Lessons From Positive Psychology in my Life

Lessons From Positive Psychology in my Life

Positive psychology has helped me better understand my past and enabled me to see endless opportunities for learning, in myself and others. Since taking the time to reflect, I’ve felt less regretful when looking back on my life and much more hopeful when looking forward.   Learning makes people change One of the most memorable moments of my childhood was when my dad told me ‘you never stop learning’.  I’ve always been a curious individual and one of the many questions I dwelled on during childhood was what makes people change?  There are some people who seem like they never change, perhaps those who live with their parents for large parts of their lives or rarely venture outside of their hometown. On the other hand, there were people who I aspired to in school because they competed in national competitions and ventured abroad. While of course, some opportunities aren’t necessarily available to all, we not only learn from our own experiences but from other people’s too.   People don’t always need a solution Another thing I wondered about when growing up was why people came to me for advice, listened and then went away and did something completely different. It was so frustrating for me to see at the time, but now I think know why. People neither want nor need you to tell them what to do with their lives. In fact, it’s possibly one of the worst things, as it takes away their autonomy and sense of control (see Deci & Ryan’s self-determination theory). They either want you to listen (without trying to fix or solve) or...
The Liberation of Abandoning All Adjectives

The Liberation of Abandoning All Adjectives

Isn’t it nice when we get a compliment? It can give us a boost, somebody’s noticed us or noticed what we’ve done. A compliment is an expression of admiration, respect or approval and typically it leaves us feeling valued. However, my eyes were recently opened to a completely different way of thinking about this.   Ignore All Adjectives I passed on to a friend some praise that someone else had said about them. My friend gave a completely unexpected reply, she said ‘I am ignoring that, I ignore all adjectives.’ Wow, I had to know more, what did she mean ‘ignoring all adjectives,’ how does one even do that? She said for the last year she has been ignoring all adjectives that she hears about herself, the good ones and the bad ones and it has been really liberating. What an interesting concept. While receiving compliments is rewarding in the short term, it is only one person’s opinion and only their opinion at that particular time. On another day or another occasion they may say something completely different about us. They may no longer be pleased with what we are doing as it doesn’t fit with their expectation. On top of that we have to consider all the different people we come into contact with, some will show praise or respect in some way, some will be neutral and others will convey their disappointment.   Take Control If we react to everyone’s fluctuating opinion of us, we can be on an emotional rollercoaster, our mood rising with the compliments and falling with the complaints. However, by disassociating ourselves from...
When Unexpected Things Happen

When Unexpected Things Happen

Due to circumstances, and the unexpected things that have happened, I am forced to now follow the advice I usually give my clients! As the year draws to an end, this is usually a good time to reflect on everything that happened and look forward to what the future might bring us.  A good moment to stop, pause and reflect (mentioned in my previous blog) because taking a time out can sharpen our brain and make us more alert and efficient.   Forced to slow down Things can change fast. One moment I was just walking around, and the next I was unable to walk. All because of one single, small accident, I tripped my foot on an uneven tile and twisted it. Result: one broken foot that is now in plaster resulting in me being pretty immobile. I had and have no choice but to slow down. I also had to build new routines and shift my priorities. It feels a bit like the first lockdown again, I cannot leave my house, I cannot go anywhere, I am confined in my own little space. I am grounded. Unfortunately, this time the weather is not so nice, winter is coming and instead of seeing my garden blossom, like  in lockdown number one, I now see it slowing down and becoming quiet, with autumn colours fading away and leaves disappearing with the wind. The air has become dense, some days are misty from morning till evening, and others are cold and bright, showing a wonderful blue sky and pleasant sunshine (I definitely prefer the latter).   Gratitude Despite the huge...
Managing Boundaries at Christmas

Managing Boundaries at Christmas

Guess what? Disney Christmas only exists in films. If that’s a blinding glimpse of the obvious to you then you need to read no further but for those of us who struggle every year with the concept of what we’d really like to do and what we feel obliged to do, read on This week, whilst chatting on the phone, one of my friends said to me “I just can’t do Christmas dinner for 17 people again this year” (!) She meant it. It’s too much. This year she simply has too much on but regardless there is an expectation that she will continue to ‘create magic’ for the family. Some of us seem to feel the pressure to either host or join in when in truth we’d really much rather be doing something else.   How can we manage boundaries at Christmas or any other time? What is a boundary and why would we set them? What does a Christmas boundary sound like? and what should we think about when setting our boundaries?   What is a boundary? One definition of a boundary is “The emotional and physical space needed in order to be the real you without pressure from others to be something that you’re not” (like a party person, or a perfect guest)   Some people feel guilty for setting boundaries but we shouldn’t Establishing boundaries helps people to be clear about where they stand with you (and everyone likes to know where they stand) Boundaries are also a way of taking care of ourselves and we have a responsibility to look after ourselves. Setting boundaries...
Satisfy Your Soul, Not Society

Satisfy Your Soul, Not Society

Satisfy your soul, not society – I borrowed this title; it was a quote I saw on social media and it really resonated with me. I think this is not only my life’s ambition – to satisfy my soul, but it’s also why so many people are not happy and healthy in their lives. They are living from the outside in, not the inside out. They are satisfying society, rather than satisfying their soul.   Satisfying society is exhausting Every day, you are dragged this way and that way. There is always another expectation to meet. How should you talk, what should you wear, what job should you do, what should you believe, how should you think, where should you go, who should you marry, how much money should you make, what car should you drive, what direction should you take? There are as many expectations as there are people, and if you keep looking out there trying to gather them all and meet them all, you will fall to pieces. It’s too much. And it’s not actually helping you have a happy, healthy or fulfilling life. It’s just exhausting and usually breeds resentment and regret.   Satisfying your soul is energising On the other hand, if you look within and ask yourself: ‘What do I want?’ you will start to energise from within. You could even experience excitement at the prospect of living your life, the way you want to live it. Imagine not worrying about what other people on social media are doing, imagine having the confidence to stand up to your parents and say ‘no’, imagine...
Why using your local shops is good for your Mental Wellbeing

Why using your local shops is good for your Mental Wellbeing

Did you know using to your local shops may improve your wellbeing? A few years ago I made a decision to stop using the major supermarket in the town and start using the local shops instead. There were a couple of reasons for this; I felt quite strongly that suppliers were being unfairly treated by a lot of the big names, and having had to deal with a couple of big-name stores, I felt they were acting in ways which didn’t align with my core values, But the main reason was that I simply hated it. By far the worst hour of my week was the weekly shop. What distressed me most was how many people shopping looked so miserable, I lost count of how many times I was bumped into and there were long queues at check-out. Then having to try and pack my back as quickly as the stuff was coming off the conveyor as the completely uninterested looking checkout operator moved my goods over the scanner. I would barely get half the stuff in my bag before I got “that will “£103.97”, which was followed by a look which could have said “Now hurry up, can’t you see there’s a queue” Hated it! Hated it! Hated it!   The Decision to Change It was a week or so before Christmas and I’d just finished a Christmas party, and standing outside waiting for a taxi I bumped into a friend of mine, a dairy farmer, who has to be said, didn’t seem full of Christmas cheer. “ I don’t know what I am to do” he told...