Questions that Couples rarely ask each other are:
- How good is our sex life?
- Give an honest calibration out of 10 for quality and quantity.
- What am I not doing that you would like me to do?
- What am I doing that you would like more of?
- What am I doing that you would like less of?
Sex is part of the fundamental connection between a couple that is one of the key elements of a great relationship. Sex life is so important that I am amazed at how few are able to talk about what they would like. It is often a significant source of unspoken frustration and resentment and becomes the elephant in the room.
1. Talk about what you would like
The starting point is to have a conversation about your current sex life and what you would like to be different in the future. Without having an open and honest conversation you both may be trapped in a future of misunderstanding and frustration.
This is really important to both of you, so be brave and open the door to a future of sexual satisfaction by:
- Creating the time and space where you can have an intimate conversation free of interruptions; maybe going out for a walk, having a romantic donner or just sitting in a beautiful space.
- Take a deep breath and tell your partner that you would like to talk about your sex life and how to make it even better (if that is possible)
- Focus on feelings and remove blame from the conversation
- Tell them that you love them (if you do!) and that your love life is a really important part of the relationship
- To get the barriers down and the conversation flowing; both calibrate your current sex life out of 10 (where 10 is amazing). Do this in total and then for frequency and variety. See what the differences are. If the differences are huge, then maybe one of you is not being honest or has very different needs
- Take it in turns to express ‘what is good about it’ at the moment and then ‘what would make it even better if’
- Talk through your desires and preferences and agree one thing that each of you will do that will be different in the future
- Agree to have a review once a month to check on progress and agree another new thing to try.
2. Seek new ideas
It is very easy to get stuck in the same old pattern of doing the same thing at the same time in the same way. This is an opportunity to climb out of the rut and find ideas that will help you and your sex life to grow.
Set each other the challenge of coming up with new ideas to try out. Of these 5 should be things that you think your partner would love to have done to them and 5 are things that you would love your partner to do to you. Talk through your lists and agree which ones you will do. This will give you better ideas of each other’s boundaries and hidden desires.
It is also OK to give honest feedback on how it was for both of you! Without this, you will be trying to mind read and may jump to the wrong conclusions.
3. Create the space
Whether your desires are for wild sex on the beach, a quickie in a cupboard or long, intimate love making on a bed strewn with rose petals you need to create the time and the space to allow this to happen. If your sex life is rather stale at the moment you may also need to take small, gentle steps. You can do this by creating moments of intimacy; a touch, a word, a look where it is as if time has stopped and there is nothing else in the world that matters.
Now that you have expressed your desires and have a better idea of your partner’s needs, you can either plan sex in the diary or you can create spaces where sex is more likely to happen impulsively.
Do what you can to avoid the main passion killers of:
- Being trapped in the black hole of mobile phones and social media
- TV being on, incessantly
- Children awake and nearby
- Empty stomach
- Full stomach
- Messy bedroom
- I’m too tired / too busy / too stressed
Do what you can to surprise and delight your partner by showing them that a great sex life is important to both of you. Show that you are making an effort to create the physical, time and mind space in which this is most likely to happen.
Read more about Neil Wilkie and read his other articles HERE
‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’
Find out more about positive psychology courses and training at