by Neil Wilkie | February, 2021 | Neil Wilkie, Relationships
Dreams have become deeper and more vivid during lockdown. These are being called ‘Quarandreams’ Dreams are the natural and safe way that our brain uses to process thoughts, memories and possibilities to make sense of them. The brain can then let the detail fade away and focus in on what is important. Once the dream is over, the brain has done its job and it can be forgotten. The reasons for the changes in dream patterns during lockdown are: · Being woken up naturally rather than the alarm clock · The stress and uncertainty of lockdown · Fluctuation in hormones · Being trapped indoors with less natural light · Different work and sleep patterns · Heightened emotional states with more for our brains to process Broken sleep and waking naturally, rather than by the alarm, means that we are more likely to recall our dreams and, if we wake during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, the dream is likely to be stranger and more bizarre. Your dreams can give you an insight into your relationship and what is buried in your subconscious or unspoken and unresolved. Here are some dreams that people are having about relationships, what they might mean and how to deal with them: Taking revenge on your ex Why? If your last relationship did not end well or you feel that you were treated unfairly by your ex, then there may be buried resentment that might surface in vivid dreams. How to deal with this? Resentment is like drinking the poison yourself and hoping the other person will die. It may be helpful to...
by Neil Wilkie | January, 2021 | Neil Wilkie, Relationships
A relationship can be the most wonderful thing in the world. It can start magically but it requires a significant investment of time and energy to keep it vibrant. Here are 12 major challenges for you to address. 1. Communication Many couples drift apart because they are not communicating well with each other, they expect their partner to read their mind and they get locked into battles over blame about ‘stuff’. Resentment can then start to grow. Find time and space to talk about how you are both feeling. Maybe once a week set aside an hour to share what are three things that have gone well in the relationship in the last week and one thing that needs to be dealt with. Do this from the perspective of ‘I feel’. 2. Connection The Visceral connection that may have been there when you first got together may fade quickly; the passion, hours making love, kisses, gifts, hours talking may get swamped by dull routine. You may look back at a forgotten time and look forward with a sense of ‘is this all it is’. Create moments of intimacy where you connect, and it is as if the world stops and nothing else matters. It can just be a few seconds; a real hug or meaningful kiss on leaving or returning from work. Or it can be just time where you are together, free from distractions and just be with each other. 3. Commitment As a couple get used to each other and make the transition from ‘being in love’ to loving each other’ the magic can...
by Neil Wilkie | December, 2020 | Emotions, Neil Wilkie, Relationships
Lockdown is a time where the disrupted world will unleash a whole range of emotions. These are likely to be heightened by the continuing uncertainty and lack of control. Lockdown 2.0 is worse in many ways than the first because the novelty has worn off, the days are darker and colder and the uncertainty over money and employment is increasing. Here are twelve key emotions, the impact they can have on your relationship and how to deal with them. The first 8 are negative emotions as these will be more likely. I have also listed 4 positive emotions that can be a wonderful antidote: 1. Scared This is one of the fundamental emotions that is really strong and visceral. We may be scared that: we or our loved ones will get ill and even die we may lose our jobs and not find another one we will run out of money and may even become homeless our basic physiological and safety needs are under threat life in the future will be very different This is likely to trigger the primeval fight, flight or freeze response. Our body will become flooded with adrenaline to get us ready to cope with the threat. Longer-term this can create significant physical and mental side effects. How will this impact on our relationship? You may go within ourselves, freeze in our internal comfort zone and be unwilling to be vulnerable, to share feelings or be intimate. This could make your partner feel excluded and rejected and create a downward spiral. How to manage this? Share your feelings and get support from your partner....
by Neil Wilkie | November, 2020 | Neil Wilkie, Sex
Questions that Couples rarely ask each other are: How good is our sex life? Give an honest calibration out of 10 for quality and quantity. What am I not doing that you would like me to do? What am I doing that you would like more of? What am I doing that you would like less of? Sex is part of the fundamental connection between a couple that is one of the key elements of a great relationship. Sex life is so important that I am amazed at how few are able to talk about what they would like. It is often a significant source of unspoken frustration and resentment and becomes the elephant in the room. 1. Talk about what you would like The starting point is to have a conversation about your current sex life and what you would like to be different in the future. Without having an open and honest conversation you both may be trapped in a future of misunderstanding and frustration. This is really important to both of you, so be brave and open the door to a future of sexual satisfaction by: Creating the time and space where you can have an intimate conversation free of interruptions; maybe going out for a walk, having a romantic donner or just sitting in a beautiful space. Take a deep breath and tell your partner that you would like to talk about your sex life and how to make it even better (if that is possible) Focus on feelings and remove blame from the conversation Tell them that you love them (if you do!)...
by Neil Wilkie | October, 2020 | Addiction, Neil Wilkie, Relationships
We have a clear understanding of what an affair is and this normally involves sex. Emotional affairs do not involve sex but can be even more damaging. What is an Emotional Affair? An emotional affair between two people is a relationship with the closeness and emotional intimacy of a romantic relationship without the sex. It often starts with an innocent friendship and grows into intimacy and emotional attachment. There is normally sharing of intimate aspects of themselves, their relationships and subjects they wouldn’t talk about with their partners. Emotional affairs are on the increase. Social Media and dating sites make it much easier to connect with strangers. The fact that it is slightly disconnected, and boundaries can be lower means that platonic relationships can slowly morph into deep emotional friendships. Even when such affairs do not cross the line by becoming physical, the impact can be just as damaging and puts your relationship in the danger zone. Some partners see an emotional affair as more of a betrayal than ‘just’ sex because of the depth of emotional connection and the sharing of intimate knowledge. Are you having an Emotional Affair? Here are ten signs that indicate you probably are: You are feeling increasingly disconnected from your partner. The good times of connection fade into history and the negatives start to grow You start to lie to your partner or keep secrets. You compare your partner to them and get more critical of your partner. Your partner gets less of your thoughts, affection and time while they get more. You frequently communicate with this person and at unusual hours. You discuss very personal...
