Recently online, I’ve noticed lots of talk about “Toxic Positivity” – so what is it, why is it bad for you, and how do we avoid it?
What is Toxic Positivity and why is it bad for you?
Toxic positivity can be defined as portraying a positive attitude or excessive confidence in a way which denies the negative aspects associated with a situation. It is an insistence to “stay positive!” at all costs, ignoring any negative emotions that we are feeling.
Have you ever had anyone say to you:
“Cheer up, it may never happen!”
“Every cloud has a silver lining.”
“Think positive!”
“Other people in the world are worse off than you…”
Whereas there may be some truth in those words, if you say that to someone who is struggling (or to yourself), you are effectively telling them to ignore their negative emotions and focus only on the positive. We might be well-meaning, but allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions is as important to our wellbeing as allowing ourselves to be happy. And by putting pressure on ourselves or others, we may add to feelings of shame or inadequacy – that we “should” stay positive and be happy in every situation. This can be extremely damaging to someone who is really struggling with a bad situation or suffering from depression.
Can experiencing ‘negative’ emotions be ‘positive’?
There is an argument that says there are no real ‘negative’ emotions, as all emotions have a purpose, but undoubtedly some emotions feel uncomfortable, and if we act without thinking, this can have negative consequences.
For example, anger can make us unreasonable, lashing out at loved ones or strangers with dire consequences. But feeling angry at injustice, although it feels uncomfortable, can cause us to stand up for ourselves or others and demand change in the world.
But what about sadness?
Sadness is a tough emotion to value. When we lose someone we love or something we truly value, we can feel overwhelmed with sadness. But if we believe that all emotions are useful, they are trying to affect us for a reason, what’s the point of sadness?
Sadness tells us the importance of what we have lost, and with our quietness, withdrawal and tears, we signal to those around us that we need comfort and support. It also leads us to withdraw for a while, and that may be because we need time to assimilate our loss cognitively. If, for example, we have lost a close family member, our emotional landscape has suddenly changed, and we need time to assimilate those changes and find a new path through life without that person by our side. This may feel impossibly hard, particularly if the loss was unexpected or feels unfair to us. We are unlikely to be unable to fully adjust without allowing ourselves ample time to feel sad and mourn our loss.
But isn’t a positive attitude a good thing?
Yes, a positive attitude can increase resilience and help you through difficult times, but the key to positivity is to accept all your emotions but hold them lightly if you can. If you feel sad, angry or any other negative emotion, allow yourself time and space to feel that emotion, but don’t get caught up in ruminating and exacerbating that feeling. A good way to do this is to use mindfulness – accept the emotion, identify it (giving it a name helps us to deal with it), and then allow yourself to see how it feels within your body whilst treating yourself with kindness and self-compassion. To find out more about this approach, try listening to Kristen Neff describing how to work with difficult emotions on YouTube, or listen to her guided meditation on Insight timer – I have used this meditation in the past and found it helpful.
Once you have dealt with that emotion, then you can start to use positivity to see a way forward, maybe see those silver linings, and start to feel a sense of hope again. I have often found when I’m upset that allowing myself space to have a good cry on my own seems to help me process my emotions, after which I feel more able to deal with the world.
How to avoid ‘pushing’ positivity onto others?
So, having talked about how to deal with your own negative emotions, how do we deal with it when someone else feels sad or down, and why do we so often get it wrong?
In an ideal world, when someone else is struggling, we should listen with compassion and truly ‘hear’ what they have to say. Phrases like “It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now” or “I’m really sorry to hear you are feeling like this”, will help them feel supported and heard whilst validating their emotions.
So why do we so often leap into problem-solving mode? “Have you tried this?” “Maybe you should…” Or shut them down with false positivity and tell them to “Cheer up”, or “Stay positive”.
I have realised over the years that we often respond like this to the people that are closest to us, or when we are out of depth and have not experienced the situation that the other person is going through. Listening to their distress causes us distress or uncomfortable feelings. We want to fix it, make it better, so we offer solutions which make us feel better. Or we try to shut them down with toxic positivity, trying to change the subject: “It could always be worse, look on the bright side”.
Recently, my husband was feeling worried about something and tried to share his worries with me. It was a situation that also worried me, but at that point I was feeling calm about it and didn’t want to go down the worry rabbit hole with him. Despite being self-aware of what I was doing, I found myself trying to minimise the situation “It’s not as bad as you think” and offering solutions “Why don’t you try this?”. I did at least have the capacity to say: “your feelings are perfectly valid”, but I know I didn’t do a good job at listening properly to his concerns and letting him share them with me. But with self-awareness as to how I was responding, I did at least say some of the right things at the time, and later, after I’d dealt with my own difficult emotions, was able to apologise for not being a better listener.
The takeaway – there is a place for positivity, but don’t overdo it.
· All emotions are valid, if we accept them and hold them lightly using a mindful approach, we can embrace the whole spectrum of human emotion and experience which will increase our wellbeing.
· When you post some inspiring quote on social media or try to cheer a friend with something like “it will be OK”, just pause and think whether you are actually offering support and encouragement, or whether you are denying their feelings of distress and actually hindering rather than helping.
· When dealing with others be self-aware: Are you responding to help others? Or are you protecting your own feelings of distress?
· Don’t be too hard on yourself – either when you are down (There is no “should” in happiness), or when you haven’t listened well to someone else (We’re all human, apologise and try to be better at listening next time.)
· Once you have dealt with the negative, then let the light in. Be kind to yourself. Lean on your friends or family. Have a hug and a cup of tea. Go for a walk in nature. Allow yourself hope for the future. And soon a realistic positivity will return.
Listen to the audio version of this article
Image. Courtesy of Pixlebay