Ever felt that bone-tired exhaustion after a long day dealing with customers or supporting a family member in crisis? The emotional effort we exert with these tasks can be as draining as a full body workout but because it is ‘invisible’ we may not recognise the effort involved or give ourselves the time to recover.

Emotional, mental and physical effort sap our energy and need replenishing in different ways.

We know the post-workout tiredness of physical effort and the brain fog after the mental effort of a long training course but what is emotional effort?

Emotional Effort

Study of emotional effort, or ‘emotional labour’ (Hochschild, 1983) began in those public-facing work roles, where you might need to hold back and manage your own emotions in order to present a calm or neutral front.

It happens outside the workplace too, wherever one person is meeting the needs of another emotional effort is at play. Managing your family, and supporting friends; these things take an emotional toll that we don’t always account for.

But What If It’s My Job?

In caring roles or emergency services, being a stable, calm and resilient presence for a distressed member of the public can be rewarding work. And at home, supporting our children as they learn to negotiate life is a crucial part of parenting.

Suppressing your own needs and emotions is fine for a limited time, as long as we recognise it, understand why we are doing it and take time afterwards to decompress. We need to replenish this part of us or we can end up in emotional burnout or compassion fatigue.

Emotional Recovery

Emotional recovery is about reconnecting with yourself after emotional effort. Nothing too complicated but if we don’t notice our efforts we can miss our mounting emotional exhaustion (Van Dijk & Brown, 2006).

Emotional effort can often result in physical tiredness or physical symptoms too which can make it so much harder to take care of yourself if you try and push through without giving yourself time to recover.

So as we go about our everyday activities; work, listening to friends, helping the kids, visiting parents, or the effort we put into getting a project we are emotionally invested in off the ground, remember what you are drawing on.

Tasks Outside of Our Core Strengths or Values

When we do things out of our comfort zone we are also exerting more emotional effort. Things like leadership, networking, managing staff, planning or perseverance – if they aren’t our key strengths they will take more energy. They get easier as your skill increases, but if tasks don’t sit well with your values that discomfort may never ease and will take its toll.

This kind of dissonance can’t always be avoided, so remember to take extra care if you are in this position. Knowing what your values are will help you understand why some things leave you feeling uncomfortable and exhausted and can support you in managing the situation.

Self-awareness is key.

Keeping an Emotional Inventory

To support yourself you need to know the activities and people you find draining. Think of a fuel tank that needs watching so you don’t run out of petrol. Which tasks take more energy? Who, what and where helps you refuel?

Exhaustion can show in many ways;

• Practical – missing deadlines, lacking motivation,
• Physical – poor eating habits, illness, tiredness that doesn’t lift after a good sleep,
• Social – changed habits; not going out or going out all the time,
• Psychological – crying easily, not focusing, irritable, detached, tired but can’t sleep,
• Emotional – feeling hopeless, wanting to escape, finding it hard to care for others.

It doesn’t mean you need to cut out the people or jobs that drain you, it is about being aware of the toll they take and sharing the load or giving yourself the downtime afterwards.

What can help you recover?

• Check where you are with your wellbeing basics; sleep, food and gentle exercise.
• Make rest a priority. This is more than just sleep, it is relaxing, breathing, staying in the present, not being dragged into worries for tomorrow.
• Set boundaries with your time, your thoughts and with the people who need you.
• Honour those boundaries!
• Try doing a Circles of Influence, Concern and Control¹ exercise to help you focus on the things you can control.
• Do something creative, something that takes you out of yourself and reminds you you are more than your job or a parent or a carer.
• Take time for yourself, especially if you are an introvert who works with people.
• Consider how you give emotional effort. Try practising compassionate support rather than overidentifying and getting lost in empathy for the other.
• Spend time with the people who build you up. Work out who they are. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to in your own life then find a professional.
• Let yourself be looked after.

Your inventory might make you realise that things need to change, but giving yourself the chance to talk and rest might be enough; recognising your effort and the value you get from helping someone.

Acknowledge that value. Caring is often invisible but it matters.

Don’t wait until you are worn out, practice a nightly inventory. Focus on what you brought to the day, what bits were tough. Don’t judge yourself by other people’s standards, what’s easy for them may be hard for you.

Put yourself first when you need to because you are just as important.

Conclusion

Emotional effort is a vital part of our humanity. We don’t want to avoid it, only recognise, acknowledge and account for it. You wouldn’t run a marathon and expect your body to do it all over the next day. So don’t treat your emotional resources as a bottomless well. Don’t feel you just need to try more or work harder.

Keeping ourselves healthy is so much easier than recovery so be kind to yourself and step in to offer yourself care when it is needed. Honouring your emotional resources and how you use them to support others.

 

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References

1. Understanding the Circles of Influence, Concern, and Control (positivepsychology.com)

Hochschild, A. (1983). 1983 The managed heart. Berkeley: University of California Press.

Van Dijk, P. A., & Brown, A. K. (2006). Emotional labour and negative job outcomes: An evaluation of the mediating role of emotional dissonance. Journal of Management & Organization, 12(2), 101-115.

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