Let’s start with a question:
If, and how well, do you know the perfectionist in you?
For many years I have worked as a coach enabling others to deepen knowledge of themselves and to make vital developmental choices fostering growth whilst developing a growing sense of fulfilment. What I have noticed in both myself and others I’ve worked with, is that when we are under pressure, feeling anxious, fearful, and frustrated, we commonly revert to a partial self. We have explored this aspect of ourselves in earlier conversations. But here, let’s acknowledge how the self to which we revert commonly demonstrates perfectionist tendencies.
In such earlier conversations how this smaller version of ourselves tends to be judging, competitive, forever needing to prove its rightness and how this version of ourselves operates generally by directing and telling. Ultimately in seeking to keep us safe and protected from what may be perceived to be a chaotic, unsafe and challenging world, this version of ourselves strives continually to be right and so perfect.
Let’s explore a few potentially revealing questions:
What drives our perfectionism, that need for a part of us to be the best, the top and perfect?
Take whatever time you need to respond from your own experience….
Such a question will often take us deeper in search of our answers. For what stirs our outward behaviours are our inner beliefs. And if you explore what the common belief is of the self to which we revert, you will likely discover that this version of ourselves experiences being ‘not enough’ – for example that we are ‘not good enough’ (despite however hard we may try).
The inner fear of ‘not being good enough’ may drive our compulsion to outwardly do more. If we overlook this inner lack, we are compelled to strive to reach for what may be an impossible goal. Notice how a lack and imperfection can compel a perfectionism and ever needing more.
I remember writing these words in an earlier book:
“Do we feed an insatiable appetite? Or do we learn to soothe the part that hungers?”
Consider your own response….
The drive to perfection is competitive and becoming the best is quite, non-relational. It is a lonely path of endless striving for more and often continuous tiring hard work, necessitating that we separate ourselves from others, as we also remain separated from the part within us that requires our attention – these are the part or parts that experience being ‘not good enough’.
If you are willing, consider the consequences of driving for perfection in our lives, witnessed in yourself and or in those around you?
Where is the result of perfectionism?
What is required of the perfectionist – to heal?
And how is that achieved?
Take whatever time you need to respond to these important questions.
Do we strive for an impossible goal – never fully feeling the value of our achievements –because our inner belief is always one of lack? Or is there point where we turn our attention inwards rather than outwards, and truly begin to attend?
Consider if there is an aspect of you that feels ‘non-good enough’ or has felt this experience before.
Firstly, imagine and contemplate who that part of you might be.
See if you can allow a picture of this aspect of you to appear in your minds-eye – giving them their rightful form and bringing them into a more conscious existence.
Explore how you might become more fully acquainted.?
Then consider, and this may take a little time….
What this aspect may want from you?
And may need of you?
And how you might fulfil this request?
Notice through these questions, how we change from the inside out – the importance of the inner work that changes how we are in the outer world.
When the part or parts of ourselves that house our belief of lack, are attended and have their needs met, we change. For if we no longer experience an inner belief that is one of lack, there is no longer a need to strive, and the goal of perfection is then recognised to be quite out of our reach. Instead, we can permit ourselves a freedom from striving and a chance at last to relax more into the present moment.
Notice how in cultivating this new awareness of who we are – the part or parts of ourselves that feels our lack – invites us to continually reflect and turn our attention inward. This takes me back to revisit the associated photograph that marries in my mind with these words. It was a perfect moment on the great lake Anari, a vast lake in Finland. Where, suddenly from the darkness, the Lights appeared. I found myself identifying with the little boat, looking in at and upon this wonderful display. What struck me about this seemingly perfect moment was the symmetry and balance that comes from contemplation. Things seem more balanced and whole – upon reflection.
This points towards the essence and practice of our work and journey – we once again – change from the inside-out – and upon reflection – if and when we are willing to give our attention to those aspects of ourselves who truly need us. The forgotten ones within us, who we are invited to come to know and to make with their acquaintance more fully, with the opportunity that through this activity, we are made whole.
Note how paradoxically a coming to know our imperfections and vulnerability is the key to ending our striving for perfection in this life. What we are left with is a growing awareness of what we may describe to be our perfect imperfection.
Questions remain:
Is my life work to be a perfectionist?
And or to embrace my perfect imperfection?
What’s your response?
May we strive for perfection less and tend to those parts of ourselves who may suffer a sense of lack. Who truly need our attention and care.
May we in letting go of our need to strive come to the know the wholeness of who we are, and that we are perfectly imperfect.
May we enable those who struggle and suffer with striving to be perfect to turn their attention inward to what may be lacking and needing. And attend within to those aspects of ourselves, that call to be remembered and truly need our attention.
Less wanting more than, and more embracing of the less than.
Podcast Version