As we go through big life transitions – and we all do – it can seem like the very foundations of our identity are shaken. Especially when a few changes come at once – and they do!
Leaving education, parenthood, empty nesting, redundancy, divorce, menopause, bereavement… these experiences can all leave you pondering the big questions: Who am I now? What should I do next? What matters to me?
When our old story no longer fits us, or we are no longer willing to bend ourselves to fit it, it might feel disorientating rather than liberating at first. Uncertainty and unfamiliarity are uncomfortable!
Most of us don’t like big change like this, but they offer a catalyst for transformational growth if we are brave enough to step out of the bubble of who we thought we were. When things are unknown and the way ahead is unclear, we can use this jolt as an opportunity to pause and look within. It’s there that we can find the answers to help us with our next steps.
We Are Made of Stories
Narrative therapy can be a helpful starting point to sort through some of this confusion. It’s a simple concept that can have a deep impact: we make sense of our lives through stories. We look for meaning in what happens to us and around us. These stories shape how we see ourselves and what we believe we are capable of. They create the ‘instruction manual’ for how we respond to life’s adversities.
Growing up, certain narratives can become dominant until they feel like facts rather than interpretations. They aren’t even our own stories sometimes! They might come from a parent, an older sibling, a teacher, or perhaps are based on an event that didn’t go so well, which, over time, we add to with other examples of events that fit that storyline. This is how we create limiting stories and beliefs.
How Can Positive Psychology Help?
With positive psychology, we accept that difficult things happen and that we, and our lives, aren’t perfect. This recognition helps us to step back to allow a wider perspective. We focus on what is good and useful within us, to find meaning in what’s happened. And with this new understanding we can grow past, around and over these old stories. We have the chance to write new ones, consciously shaped and grounded in our true strengths, values, and hope.
Rediscovering Our Identity
During transitions, it is common for us to feel uncertain of who we are. Who are we if the roles that once defined us change or disappear? If we aren’t the parent, wife, employee or friend anymore.
This disruption to our identity gives us the opportunity to make new meaning for ourselves, and as adults, we’re in a much better position to build a truer identity, based on the things that are important to us.
Narrative therapy calls this an opportunity for re-authoring. Rather than asking ‘What’s wrong with me?’, the focus shifts to ‘What story have I been telling about myself, and does it still serve me?’
Remember, you are not the problem; the problem is the problem! When we accept this, it helps to externalise the situation, and we can stop blaming ourselves for everything. Drop the self-criticism and allow some space for change.
Change Needs Self-Compassion
To build our resilience and flexibility in our responses, we need a healthy dose of self-compassion. Not only to support ourselves but also to recognise that we aren’t always at the centre of events, to change our thinking from ‘this always happens to me’ to accept some things just happen. Wellbeing is strongly linked to how people interpret and respond to life events, not simply to the events themselves.
Take a New Path
With this self-knowledge, we can stop responding to life using old story lines and instead choose a new template.
Our stories can feel so true because they are so well-known to us. They are as familiar as an old shoe. In our old default mode, we might tell ourselves:
- ‘I don’t cope with things well’
- ‘I never could do anything with maths.’
- ‘I’m a terrible driver.’
These narratives often make themselves known in times of stress and, if we let them, can narrow down our future possibilities.
Re-authoring is not about forced positivity or rewriting the past with rose-tinted glasses. It’s about broadening the story to get the fuller picture. Noticing the skills and strengths that we often bleach out because they don’t fit with the limited vision we have of ourselves. But we are often much more capable than we give ourselves credit for.
Taking the wider view on who we are lends us greater clarity, motivation, and importantly, hope; hope that there is a way forward, a new path, something that matters for us to do that will give us satisfaction and purpose once more.
How to Begin Re-Authoring
Don’t wait until you feel you have everything worked out before you start turning that page on a new chapter. Start moving forward in small steps now. Reflect as you go so you can build your confidence. Prove to yourself that you are capable and leave space to course correct when needed.
Start by reflecting on:
- Your story so far: What labels or assumptions have you absorbed about yourself over the years?
- Seek out the exceptions: When have you acted in ways that contradict the limiting story, even if it was briefly?
- Values: What still feels important?
- Strengths: Which of your personal qualities helped you get through past difficulties?
- Build a picture of the future you want: A future where you are guided by your values rather than fear or habit.
Reflecting, journalling and conversations with trusted friends can all help build your insights and self-knowledge. Create a truer, more compassionate narrative of who you are.
Moving Forward with Intention
Rewriting your story doesn’t mean trying to be rigid or trying to control everything. It means choosing how you relate to change and how you describe yourself within that.
If you are at a crossroads and questioning who you are becoming, your next chapter does not need to be a bold step or perfectly executed. The most important thing is it needs to be yours.
Set aside time this week to reflect on one question: What kind of story do I want to be living a year from now, and what is one small step towards it?
Image courtesy of Pixabay
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