The Art of Alone
Many people feel, and the media supports the belief that we are supposed to be part of a romantic relationship unit. Psychology has long proposed that people not in a relationship fare much less well than those in a relationship, and even lifespan has been negatively implicated in singletons.
Positive Psychology however expounds the virtue and benefit of savouring and of mindfulness and getting in the correct mind zone, all of which fare very well for being conducted alone first, and then perhaps shared with others.
Being in ‘relation’ needn’t involve being in a relationship, particularly if you are currently not your best self in relationships (which you can work on).
The benefits of relationships are tangible and widely acknowledged, but I would like to take this a more logical step and suggest that it is not necessary for this to be a relationship with a partner in the typical sense, rather it is the being in relation with self first and then with others.
This can be friends, family, neighbours, the wider community, groups and all manner of other things. The point is to be in positive relation.
A bad relationship has to be worse than no relationship, and is usually feeding something within a person that they don’t feel ready to step away from. Just like the Japanese art form of mending the broken with gold to make it more beautiful (Kintsugi), so can we use our alone time to become our best self and get to know and love ourselves.
Cultivating a love of being alone is a big step towards self love and if we don’t love self we cannot give or receive love elsewhere.
Only the person themselves can analyse this and begin to work through it, life coaching would come in later, and often a counsellor can help with this, such as a CBT therapist.
A coach might help you to create a new sense of identity in terms of who you want to be in a new relationship, help you look at what you might bring, and how you want to drive new or existing relationships.
Relationships don’t always need to end when they have hit a bad patch, they can be worked at with a coach, and single people don’t need to feel that they are missing out by being single, their are no absolutes.
Alone time can be the best time to just ‘be’, so whether single, in a couple, busy or bored, make time for a date with yourself soon!
You may enjoy this Spoken Word, ‘How to Be Alone’ by Tanya Davis
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As usual Carolyn makes sense, the art of being alone in your own company and being happy at the sometime is one which should be one of our priorities. It allows us space to think about the issues of the day and to resolve them, but also space to allow us to celebrate on the successes of the day. it is when we can do this, that we can truly be in full relationship with others. For me, I seek those times alone were my thoughts can clearly be my own, I can then turn these into appropriate action plans. when I do not get these spaces I know further by thinking becomes tainted by my emotions, or is it my emotions get tainted by my thoughts. Either way the results is the same, I become less tolerant of others and myself, so my recommendation is simple make space for yourself and allow yourself into both the pleasant and unpleasant things of the day, but keep your eye on turning the negatives into positives and developing the positives further. Thanks Carolyn, you made me think again!