Becoming self-employed this year has highlighted this for me. I no longer have a contract with set work hours, annual leave quotas or sick leave and carers leave allowances. So I find I am in need of a new balance, one that I have to create myself. 

Knowing the ideal isn’t easy, but we can recognise when we are veering off course;

• The feeling of being ‘stressed’ doesn’t lessen after a stressful event has passed. 
• We feel frazzled, short-tempered, tired. 
• Our good routines around sleep, food and exercise go out the window. 
• We lose our ‘mojo’ and the fun seems to have seeped out of life. 

When you start to feel like this, getting through the essentials of life is all you have energy for. Keeping all your balls in the air becomes harder and harder!

What Works For You? Finding Your Equilibrium

When you don’t have a good work-life balance, it can feel like one area of life is taking over the other. It becomes overwhelming trying to meet all the roles we, and others, expect of us. The downtime we allow ourselves for relaxation and fun are often the first casualties. 

It’s more complicated than ‘work’ and ‘life’ though. We fulfil many roles inside and outside of work. We are parent, partner, carer, volunteer, friend, manager, employee, mentor, colleague. And then there is time for hobbies, keeping healthy or simply doing nothing, just ‘being’.

Balance is about getting this mix right for you. 

Do A Life Balance Inventory

Spend some time thinking about what you have in your life and what’s missing. There are lots of tools on line you can use. They will help you reflect on how you are doing in the different areas of your life. Google ‘Life Pie Balance’ for some exercises to help you pin down the areas that are overwhelming you and the ones that aren’t getting enough time.

Think about all the roles you play. Which areas are important to you, which keep you well? What brings you happiness, what energises you and gives you purpose and meaning? If you are working on a project or life throws you a curve ball, you might have to put some of these areas on hold. But knowing what they are will make you more conscious of this and make some changes if you feel your wellbeing is starting to suffer.

Make Time For You Priorities 

The basics for all of us are pretty much the same; eat well, get enough sleep and do some gentle exercise. When it all feels too much, prioritise these, keeping that time as sacred as you can. Maybe commit to getting to bed at a good time or keeping one healthy activity going for yourself like a daily walk or a run. Remember this is basic self-care, it is not selfish to make this time for yourself. 

Notice what activities and people energise you most, the activities that fill you back up when you are running on empty. Is it time on your own, time to reflect, date nights, friends, a hobby? Notice how you feel after different activities. Once you get to know your own essentials, you will notice more easily when they are starting to slide. 

Boundaries 

With priorities established, you may need to set some boundaries. These might be external, with others, and internal, with yourself, because we can be our own downfall when it comes to balance. Be honest with yourself about this, who is it that is keeping you from the activities you know keep you well? 

If you are feeling exhausted by the end of the day, any motivation for positive self-care is tough. Watch for those easy, go to, addictive activities that sap time and energy. Be kind to yourself here, you may need some of this down time, but numbing activities are easy to get lost in, so if it is becoming ‘every night’ try setting yourself limits on screen time, wine time, etc.. 

Use a friend for accountability if that helps, but finding something you really do want to do instead is the best solution. So check if the activities you think you want to do really are the ones you need right now to support you. If you are struggling to exercise, is it the right exercise, at the right time of day? Would doing something with others make it more fun?

The best things for us may take some effort and are not always instantaneously rewarding. With things like eating well, volunteering or exercise, it can take time before you feel the benefits. Honing in on your real goals and why you want them can build the motivation you need.

Relationships

If it is external boundaries you need to work on then remember it is OK to say no! Think where you could delegate tasks or ask for help. Is there give and take in your relationships or does it feel more one-sided?

Of course, not all relationships are simple. Parental and caring responsibilities require a lot of give, but check you are getting the support you need. 

If you work with the public you may end the day in need of quiet time but if this is making you pull back from time with friends and family then look at how you can get more balance. We are social animals and time to connect with others is important. Time with family or with a group doing something you enjoy, with people who share your interests or passions are great ways to get grounded and feel more like you again. 

Stay Flexible

As you put boundaries in place for yourself you may need to be more protective of a daily routine for a while but try not to set yourself a strict regime or it can quickly become another to-do list. Check-in with yourself, ask ‘what do I need today?’ You won’t always be achieving your desired balance and that’s okay. Remember, be kind to yourself.

Read more about Tracy Bevan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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In recent years, it feels as though the world has become increasingly divided. We see it in politics, in social issues, and even in our personal relationships. The lines between right and wrong, love and hate, for and against have become so sharply drawn that it often seems like there’s no room for anything in between. The middle ground, the shades of grey where we see nuance and understanding, is fading away.

This growing polarization isn’t just a perception—it’s a reality fueled by several factors, with social media playing a significant role. Platforms that were once designed to connect us now often serve to divide us. Algorithms feed us content that aligns with our existing beliefs, reinforcing our personal viewpoints. We get locked in our own opinion-bubble and become less tolerant of those who think differently. 

But this black-and-white thinking is dangerous. It oversimplifies complex issues, strips us of empathy, and drives us further apart. When we refuse to really listen to other viewpoints or try to understand them, we lose the opportunity to learn and grow. Even worse, we begin to dehumanize those who think differently, seeing them as adversaries rather than fellow human beings with their own experiences, struggles, and hopes.

This trend towards polarization makes our world colder and more hostile. And yet, there is a way to counter it—a way to bring back the shades of grey, to foster understanding and connection.  What we need is more kindness and mildness in our interactions with others.

The power of kindness

Kindness is often dismissed as a soft skill, but I see it as a powerful skill. It requires strength and courage to show kindness in a world that seems to reward aggression and divisiveness. Kindness isn’t about agreeing with everyone or avoiding difficult conversations. It’s about approaching others with empathy, even when we don’t see eye to eye. It’s about recognizing that everyone is fighting their own battles and that their perspectives are shaped by their unique experiences.

Choosing kindness creates space for dialogue. Instead of immediately dismissing someone else’s viewpoint, we can approach it with curiosity and a willingness to understand. This doesn’t mean we have to agree, but it does mean that we acknowledge the complexity of their perspective. By doing so, we create an environment where it’s safe to explore ideas, ask questions, and engage in meaningful conversations.

Embracing mildness

Mildness, or gentleness, is another trait that can help bridge differences. In a world where harsh words seem to dominate, mildness offers a refreshing alternative. It encourages us to soften our approach, to listen more and judge less. Mildness doesn’t mean being passive or indifferent; rather, it means approaching conflicts with a calm, measured attitude that seeks resolution rather than escalation.

When we adopt a mild approach, in which we ask open questions, we can step away from hostility and open the door to mutual respect. Instead of reacting defensively to criticism or opposing views, we can respond with patience and understanding. This can defuse tension and allow for more productive conversations.

A call for compassionate dialogue

The challenges we face as a society are complex and multifaceted. They can’t be solved through simplistic, black-and-white thinking. We need to rediscover the value of nuance, to embrace the shades of grey that allow for deeper understanding, collaboration, and connection. This starts with each of us choosing kindness and mildness in our interactions, both online and offline.

It’s time to listen, not just to respond, but to understand. We must be willing to engage in difficult conversations, not with the goal of winning an argument, but with the hope of finding common ground.

In a world that increasingly pushes us towards extremes, we need to resist the urge to see everything in black and white. Instead, let’s embrace the shades of grey, where empathy, understanding, and dialogue can flourish. Through kindness and mildness, we can challenge the polarization that threatens to tear us apart and work together to build a more connected and compassionate world.

Read more about Inge Beckers and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

Op zoek naar tinten grijs in een gepolariseerde wereld

De laatste jaren lijkt het alsof de wereld steeds meer verdeeld is geraakt. We zien het in de politiek, in maatschappelijke kwesties en zelfs in onze persoonlijke relaties. De grenzen tussen goed en fout, liefde en haat, voor en tegen zijn zo scherp getrokken dat het vaak lijkt alsof er geen ruimte is voor iets ertussenin. De middenweg, de tinten grijs waar we nuance en begrip zien, vervaagt.

Deze groeiende polarisatie is niet alleen een perceptie, het is een realiteit die wordt gevoed door verschillende factoren, waarbij sociale media een belangrijke rol spelen. Platformen die ooit waren ontworpen om ons te verbinden, dienen nu vaak om ons te verdelen. Algoritmen voeden ons met content die aansluit bij onze bestaande overtuigingen en versterken onze persoonlijke standpunten. We raken opgesloten in onze eigen meningsbubbel en worden minder tolerant tegenover mensen die anders denken.

Maar dit zwart-witdenken is gevaarlijk. Het vereenvoudigt complexe kwesties te veel, ontneemt ons empathie en drijft ons verder uit elkaar. Als we weigeren om echt naar andere standpunten te luisteren of te proberen ze te begrijpen, verliezen we de kans om te leren en te groeien. Erger nog, we beginnen degenen die anders denken te ontmenselijken, en zien hen als tegenstanders in plaats van medemensen met hun eigen ervaringen, worstelingen en hoop.

Deze trend richting polarisatie maakt onze wereld kouder en vijandiger. En toch is er een manier om dit tegen te gaan: een manier om die grijze middenzone terug te brengen, om begrip en verbinding te bevorderen. Wat we nodig hebben is meer vriendelijkheid en mildheid in onze interacties met anderen.

De kracht van vriendelijkheid

Vriendelijkheid wordt vaak afgedaan als een zachte vaardigheid, maar ik zie het als een heel krachtige vaardigheid. Het vereist kracht en moed om vriendelijkheid te tonen in een wereld die agressie en verdeeldheid lijkt te belonen. Vriendelijkheid gaat niet over het met iedereen eens zijn of het vermijden van moeilijke gesprekken. Het gaat over het benaderen van anderen met empathie, zelfs als we het niet met elkaar eens zijn. Het gaat over het erkennen dat iedereen zijn eigen strijd voert en dat hun perspectieven worden gevormd door hun unieke ervaringen.

Door vriendelijkheid te kiezen, creëren we ruimte voor dialoog. In plaats van het standpunt van iemand anders onmiddellijk af te wijzen, kunnen we onze nieuwsgierigheid gebruiken en een bereidheid om echt te begrijpen tonen. Dit betekent niet dat we het met elkaar eens moeten zijn, maar het betekent wel dat we de complexiteit van hun perspectief erkennen. Door dit te doen, creëren we een omgeving waarin het veilig is om ideeën te verkennen, vragen te stellen en zinvolle gesprekken te voeren.

Mildheid omarmen

Mildheid, of zachtaardigheid, is een andere eigenschap die kan helpen om verschillen te overbruggen. In een wereld waarin harde woorden lijken te domineren, biedt mildheid een verfrissend alternatief. Het moedigt ons aan om onze benadering te verzachten, meer te luisteren en minder te oordelen. Mildheid betekent niet passief of onverschillig zijn; het betekent eerder dat we conflicten benaderen met een kalme houding die streeft naar een oplossing in plaats van escalatie.

Wanneer we een milde benadering hanteren, waarin we open vragen stellen, kunnen we afstand nemen van vijandigheid en de deur openen naar wederzijds respect. In plaats van defensief te reageren op kritiek of tegengestelde standpunten, kunnen we reageren met geduld en begrip. Dit kan spanningen wegnemen en zorgen voor productievere gesprekken.

Een oproep tot meelevende dialoog

De uitdagingen waar we als samenleving voor staan, zijn complex en veelzijdig. Ze kunnen niet worden opgelost door simplistisch, zwart-wit denken. We moeten de waarde van nuance herontdekken en de grijstinten omarmen die dieper begrip, samenwerking en verbinding mogelijk maken. Dit kunnen we doen door te kiezen voor vriendelijkheid en mildheid in onze interacties, zowel online als offline.

Het is tijd om te luisteren, niet alleen om te reageren, maar om te begrijpen. We moeten bereid zijn om moeilijke gesprekken aan te gaan, niet met het doel om een ​​argument te winnen, maar met de hoop om een ​​gemeenschappelijke basis te vinden.

In een wereld die ons steeds meer naar extremen drijft, moeten we de drang weerstaan ​​om alles in zwart-wit te zien. Laten we in plaats daarvan de alle tinten grijs omarmen, waar empathie, begrip en dialoog kunnen floreren. Door vriendelijkheid en mildheid kunnen we de polarisatie die ons dreigt uit elkaar te scheuren, uitdagen en samenwerken om een ​​meer verbonden en meelevende wereld te bouwen.

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Personally, the older I get the more I feel a need to slow down and embrace simplicity. And I think I am not alone. I can see that more and more people see the art of slowing down as a necessity, not just a luxury.

Research shows that if you go too fast, you overload your cognitive abilities, and they degrade. One of the leading experts on this topic, G. Claxton, analysed what happens to a person’s focus if they engage in deliberately slow practices like yoga and mindfulness. He is very clear in this: slowness nurtures attention, speed shatters it.

So, how can we create simplicity in our lives and savour the beauty of a slower, more deliberate existence? These are things that work for me:

1. Disconnect to reconnect. In a world dominated by smartphones and social media, taking a break from screens can be incredibly rejuvenating. I discovered the Focus button on my phone, and it is very helpful to designate specific times during the day and especially in the evening to disconnect from my device. Instead, I choose to read a book, take a walk, or simply sit in silence and observe my surroundings. This intentional disconnection can open the door to a more profound connection with yourself and your loved ones.

2. Identify the essential. When we stop, pause, and reflect on what really matters in our life it is much easier to say no to tasks and events that don’t contribute positively to our life. Focusing on what truly resonates with my values helps me to simplify my life and create space for what truly matters.

3. Practice mindfulness. I must admit, in the beginning of this year I postponed my mindfulness sessions because I was too busy. Health issues forced me to slow down, and I rediscovered the value of incorporating mindfulness again in my life. I started with short sessions, and I am slowly building them up again. And again, the research shows clearly it improves focus and calmness and reduces stress and anxiety.

4. Embrace slow living. Slow living is about savouring the simple things and appreciating quality over quantity. Activities like gardening, cooking new dishes, painting, have allowed me to reduce my stress and be more mindful. We all know the saying less is more, a phrase adopted by minimalist architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. It might be a cliché, but I think it is true. Focusing on fewer tasks and having less in the way can give us more time and more freedom in our lives. And having more time causes less stress and frustration. A technique that has been very helpful for me is using the question:” Do I have to do this now?” and then change the emphasis in the question. Do I have to do this now? Do I have to do this now? Do I have to do this now? It turns out most of the time I don’t have to do it now

I also learned that in a world that glorifies speed and constant activity, slowing down and embracing simplicity is simply an act of self-care. It is about reclaiming your time, energy, and attention for the things that truly matter. It also makes your life more meaningful and fulfilling. So, take a deep breath, step back, and savour the beauty of a slower, simpler life. You deserve it!

Read more about Inge Beckers and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

Het Omarmem Van Eenvoud
Heb jij soms ook het gevoel dat we in een wereld leven waar meer gelijk staat aan beter? Meer geld, meer kleding, meer gadgets, meer productiviteit, meer groei, … Het lijkt alsof een groot deel van ons leven zich in de fast-forward-modus bevindt.
We raken verstrikt in het web van voortdurende meldingen, hectische schema's en de druk om het steeds sneller toenemende tempo van het leven bij te houden. We hebben het allemaal erg druk en voor veel mensen staat ‘het druk hebben’ gelijk aan ‘succesvol zijn’. Maar is dat waar?

Hoe ouder ik word, hoe meer ik de behoefte voel om het rustiger aan te doen en de eenvoud te omarmen. En ik denk dat ik niet de enige ben. Ik zie dat steeds meer mensen de kunst van het vertragen zien als een noodzaak, en niet alleen als een luxe.

Uit onderzoek blijkt dat als je te snel gaat, je cognitieve vaardigheden overbelast raken, en dat ze achteruitgaan. Een van de toonaangevende experts op dit gebied, G. Claxton, analyseerde wat er met de focus van een persoon gebeurt als hij zich bewust bezighoudt met langzame praktijken zoals yoga en mindfulness. Hij is daar heel duidelijk in: traagheid voedt de aandacht, snelheid verbrijzelt ze.

Hoe kunnen we eenvoud in ons leven creëren en genieten van de schoonheid van een langzamer, bewuster bestaan?

Dit zijn 4 dingen die voor mij werken:

1. Deconnecteren om te connecteren.
In een wereld die wordt gedomineerd door smartphones en sociale media, kan een pauze nemen van schermen ongelooflijk deugd doen. Ik heb de Focus-knop op mijn telefoon ontdekt en het is heel handig om overdag en vooral 's avonds
specifieke tijden aan te wijzen waarop ik de verbinding met mijn apparaat kan verbreken. In plaats daarvan kies ik ervoor om een boek te lezen, een wandeling te maken of gewoon in stilte te zitten en mijn omgeving te observeren. Deze opzettelijke ontkoppeling kan de deur openen naar een diepere verbinding met jezelf en je dierbaren.

2. Identificeer het essentiële.                                                                                                                                                                      Wanneer we stoppen, pauzeren en nadenken over wat er echt toe doet in ons leven, is het veel gemakkelijker om nee te zeggen tegen taken en gebeurtenissen die geen positieve bijdrage leveren aan ons leven. Door te focussen op wat echt
resoneert met mijn waarden, kan ik mijn leven vereenvoudigen en ruimte creëren voor wat er echt toe doet.

3. Mindfulness.
Ik moet toegeven dat ik begin dit jaar mijn mindfulnesssessies heb uitgesteld omdat ik het te druk had. Gezondheidsproblemen dwongen me om het rustiger aan te doen, en ik herontdekte de waarde van het opnieuw integreren van mindfulness in mijn leven. Ik ben begonnen met korte sessies, en die bouw ik nu langzaam weer op. En ja, ook hier is de wetenschap duidelijk: mindfulnes verbetert de focus en kalmte en vermindert stress en angst.

4. Omarm een langzaam leven.
Langzamer leven gaat over het genieten van de simpele dingen en het waarderen van kwaliteit boven kwantiteit. Door activiteiten als tuinieren, nieuwe gerechten koken en schilderen heb ik mijn stress kunnen verminderen en bewuster kunnen zijn. We kennen allemaal het gezegde ‘less is more’, een uitdrukking die vaak werd gebruikt door de minimalistische architect Ludwig Mies van der Rohe. Het is
misschien een cliché, maar ik denk dat het waar is. Door ons op minder taken te concentreren en minder dingen in de weg te hebben, kunnen we meer tijd en meer vrijheid in ons leven krijgen. En meer tijd hebben zorgt voor minder stress en frustratie. Een techniek die voor mij erg behulpzaam is geweest, is het gebruik van de vraag: “Moet ik dit nu doen?” en dan de nadruk in de vraag veranderen. Moet ik dit nu doen? Moet ik dit nu doen? Moet ik dit nu doen? Heel vaak blijkt dat ik het nu niet hoef te doen!

Ik heb ook geleerd dat in een wereld die snelheid en constante activiteit verheerlijkt, het vertragen en het omarmen van eenvoud gewoonweg een daad van zelfzorg is. Het gaat erom dat je je tijd, energie en aandacht terugwint voor de dingen die er echt toe doen. Het maakt je leven ook betekenisvoller en vervullender. Dus haal diep adem, doe een stap achteruit en geniet van de schoonheid van een langzamer, eenvoudiger leven. Je verdient het.

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How to feel alive

“I don’t think [the meaning of life] is what we’re seeking. I think [it’s] an experience of being alive so that our life experiences on the purely physical plane will have resonances within our own innermost being and reality so that we actually feel the rapture of being alive.” Joseph Campbell

The above quote is attributed to Joseph Campbell from the 1980s American series ‘The Power of Myth’. Campbell was a writer who studied mythology and religious texts for most of his life. He became an expert at understanding the patterns within stories which can be found across the many cultures and societies we humans have created for millennia.

Campbell argues that despite the belief that we are all searching for some sort of meaning in our lives, what we really want and need is what he calls the “rapture of being alive”. This is when you feel fully alive, and all your senses are piqued and firing. It is when you know that you are in the world, on your own path of existence, and you are part of life. For Campbell, the rapture of being alive is the adventure that we are all seeking, and once we understand what is alive within us, and what we need to do to spark that life, we can fully live. So even when times are tough we can still appreciate our life, especially if we have taken the time to tune into ourselves and find our bliss, the path which leads us towards feeling rapture.

Mid-life Transitions

In some ways, the mid-life adult has overcome many of the obstacles of life. We have usually settled into our careers, have settled down with a family, and life ticks along. Yet it is at mid-life that there is often a change which may come within or be thrown at us from outside. The outside might be a change in the family dynamics of children or spouses leaving, or parents becoming more dependent. Other times it is an inner change when you realise that you are no longer in tune with the life path you have been on. You might crave a career change or simply do something that you have always wanted to do (sky-dive anyone!). Many people try to ignore the feeling. They may fear the change that answering that call might create. Will they be able to cope with disrupting their lives? There’s no need to rush into big decisions (something I pointed out in my last post), but there are things you can do to reach that feeling of being alive.

Ways to feel alive

I would suggest the first thing you do is create what Joseph Campbell terms your ‘sacred place’. This is half an hour or so in the day, where you can go to a specific place and be with yourself. It is a place to be away from external pressures and demands and to be tuned into you. If you don’t stop and spend time with yourself you will not be able to really listen to your inner voice.

When you have cultivated some time to be with yourself, you can soon start to work out what will give you moments of rapture. It might be listening to music, reading a book, walking in your favourite location, taking up a craft, or joining a choir. What are those little things you just don’t give yourself the time to do that bring you joy? Unless you are paying attention to the things that wake up your senses you might miss the opportunities to feel rapture. This is all the more important when things are tough. Give yourself some moments of amusement and shake off the demands, even for five minutes. You cannot manufacture the feeling of rapture, but you can be present for it.

As you start to cultivate more alive moments, make sure you continue to tune into your inner voice. This will offer you more information on feeling alive. There are a number of ways to do this. You can engage in regular:

Mindfulness- A way to being fully present and noticing what you are doing, and how you are feeling. If you are dancing to some favourite music, notice how it feels to be swaying. What are the emotions you are feeling? Be fully present.

Savouring – Similar to mindfulness, but about really appreciating the experience or memory. Savouring can be for something in the past of present. Explore the moment by really looking deep into the feelings, sensations, and thoughts.

Gratitude-Thinking about how good it is that you have given yourself this moment. Thank yourself and anyone else who has enabled this moment to take place. Your family maybe, or friends, or simply thank the universe for the moment you are experiencing.

Awe-If you go for a walk and see a fabulous sunset or rainbow, stop and really let that feeling of awe soak in. Or if you are listening to music and you feel a chill down your spine because it moves you so much, hold that feeling and be with it.

You’ll notice that the suggestions, and previous posts I’ve written, tend to include moments of solitude, being present, and noticing what is. Throughout my time as a researcher, these are the things that seem to be the core of what it is to be alive. It’s not focusing on the doing and achieving, but the stopping and being. So I invite you to do something to feel alive!

Reference

Campbell, J. (1990). The Hero’s Journey: Joseph Campbell on his life and works. New World Library, USA

Podcast Version

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Being connected to something greater

Fortunately, we are not alone, as these needs can be explained with Developmental Psychology. Erik Erikson outlines 8 stages of psychosocial development and specifically as we enter the mid-stage of our lives, we all have a hope to be connected to something bigger and nurture future generations. This is a likely reason people start to question the meaning of life, their legacy or whether it’s too late to have children. Knowing the meaning of life is extremely complex and subjective, which makes us feel uncertain and sense a lack of control. I want you to know that these feelings are completely normal and felt by us all, but they are also what makes life worth living. After all, a predictable future would take the element of surprise and excitement out of our lives.

Regret of inaction

Research has shown that the regret of inaction is far greater than the potential regret of taking action. When people regret the things they didn’t do or opportunities they missed, it can leave them in a helpless state of doubt; one which can never be satisfied. On the other hand, when we choose to do something we later regret, it isn’t as bad because we would have felt some element of control in the matter.

Let’s consider the top 5 five regrets of the dying recorded by a palliative nurse (see below).

1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.
2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.
3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.
4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.
5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

Notice that most of these regrets exemplify inaction. It’s clear that those who take risks tend to be happier and more satisfied with their lives, so here are some reflective questions to ask yourself: Is inaction worth the long-term feeling of regret? What are the rewards and benefits of taking action? What’s really holding you back?

Other people’s expectations

It’s also important to be aware of external influences that may be holding us back from pursuing our passions and living our best lives. From early on in our lives, we’re told what to do and a lot of our expectations are set by our parents, for instance, which subjects to study at school. In some cases, family expectations continue to have a strong influence over the careers we pursue. Expectations of our friends can even have a hold on the way we behave. You may have heard of fight, flight, and freeze modes but there’s also one called fawn (which is a people-pleasing fear response).

What we really need to be asking ourselves is whether other people’s expectations align with our own needs and values, because when they don’t, we are likely to lose motivation and feel resentful with the consequences in the long run. It’s easy to get caught up in societal expectations, but it doesn’t mean we have to let them continue to dictate our everyday choices and actions. While set expectations aren’t easy to change, it’s never too late. Reflective questions to ask yourself: What are some healthy expectations you wish to set? Which external influences are holding you back?

Acting in alignment with your core values

What do we value most in life? It could be family, relationships, community, serenity, health, personal growth, equality…the list is endless. Our core values are the fundamental principles that drive our emotions and motivation. If seeing inequality makes your blood boil, it means you value fairness. Whether you do something about it or not is a question of whether your behaviour aligns with your values. Though we may not notice it on a daily level, over time it will leave you feeling a sense of purpose, while in its absence you will be left feeling unfulfilled. Though our careers may not be our top priority, it’s useful to remember that we spend 1/3 of our lives engaging in them, so either way, our choice of career will affect our wellbeing.

It’s not so clear cut though. Our emotions can be triggered in other ways and affect the decisions we make on the spot. When acting out of fear, we might make decisions that please overs instead of ourselves. When we make emotionally charged decisions in the moment, they are more irrational, and potentially something we will regret later.

Until we have a clear understanding of our core values, we are likely to continue doing a job we don’t care about or make decisions we later regret. Even though friends and family can negatively influence the things we value, they can also be a means of bringing you closer, as they know you better than anyone. It could be a time to step back and reflect on what is truly important. What are your core values? Did a recent decision you made align with your core values? Are you persisting with something meaningful or out of compliance?

Being part of a community

Volunteering and giving back to your community can also be a great way to find purpose during midlife. Being part of a community is being part of something greater than yourself, potentially leaving a legacy for future generations. It’s also a great way to make new connections with like-minded people and offers a range of health benefits. In fact, helping others releases endorphins and is sure to make others feel good too. Finally, it provides a sense of fulfilment and belonging, so the benefits are rather extensive. Reflective questions to ask yourself: How can you give back to your community? What volunteer opportunities align with your values?

Whatever the reason may be, it’s important to remember that finding your purpose during midlife can be a challenging but also rewarding experience. Finding your purpose is not a one-time event, but a lifelong journey that changes and evolves as we grow and learn. While we may not be in control of what others think of us, we are in control of the expectations we set. Being clear on what matters allows us to better allocate our finite mental resources and feel a greater sense of purpose in our lives.

References

https://www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2012/feb/01/top-five-regrets-of-the-dying

Read more about James McIntyre-Ure and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

Podcast Version

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And now, look at your current life…

Is it flowing? It is full of ease and grace? For many of us, the answer will be ‘no’.

Many of us are pushing, forcing and trying really hard which can lead to frustration, resentment, exhaustion and more. But, it needn’t be this way. You can create more ease and flow in your life. I speak from experience and, I’d like to share some tips with you.

The first thing is to recognise if you are living through force, rather than flow.

Are you forcing life?

See if any of these are true for you:

• You feel a lot of stress and heaviness in life
• You often feel like you are ‘pushing against’ something
• You feel overwhelmed by external situations, people and things
• You feel controlled by external situations, people and things
• You feel powerless in your own life
• You are exhausted
• You are frequently trying really hard
• You become resentful and unhappy
• You may feel like a victim
• You may get angry when things aren’t going your way
• It takes a lot of effort to achieve what you want
• When you get what you want, you often lose it again

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these, you are likely living in a state of force.

Know that you’re not doing anything ‘wrong’. You’re just doing what most humans do, which is, believing that you must push the physical world around until it takes the shape you prefer.

You believe that life is something that happens to you, and you’ve just got to do your best with it.

To have more flow in our lives we need to adopt a new premise which is:

Life happens through you

Not to you, but through you. Life happens through you. Sit with that for a minute, and see if you can really connect with the meaning of that statement.

Take nature for example. See how it blooms rather effortlessly. It’s not that nature has no challenges, but this planet has flourished successfully for billions of years. The trees continue to grow, the animals run around, new babies are born, the waters flow, the sun shines and the rain pours… this is life, and it’s happening with great ease and flow.

What is causing this to happen? Whilst I can’t know the answer for sure, I sense there is something there… I could call God, life force, consciousness or spirit… there is some kind of energy flowing through all that lives. And that includes you. For you too, a part of the natural world.

So, you too can harness this life force and experience the ease and flow that it brings to the birds and the seas, the animals and the trees. It’s there for you too.

Here’s how to tap into it and bring more ease and flow into your life:

1. Relax

I know this one is hard, especially if like me, you’ve lived a lifetime of ‘trying’. To live a life of flow, you don’t ‘try’, you don’t push. You let go. This doesn’t mean you do nothing, it’s not about being lazy. To learn more about this tip, you can read my other blog called ‘Relaxing Your Way To Success’

When we’re relaxing, we’re not resisting. We’re letting the river flow, rather than building dams in its path. We’re letting the cork float on the surface of the water, rather than holding it underneath. When we stop resisting and blocking, we release the natural flow of life that runs through every fibre of our being.

2. Follow your heart and soul

Most of us live through our heads. Through our beliefs, our conditioning, our fears. Any time you live from this place you will be limited and find yourself forcing things.

Flow comes from the heart, from your spirit, from your deepest life force. So, get out of your head and into your heart.

What do you love, what makes your soul sing, what feels true for you? What is your intuition guiding you towards? When you get in touch with this and follow it, things begin to flow because you are living in tune with your true nature instead of pushing against it.

3. Receive

The old myth of ‘it’s too good to be true’ can have us rejecting ease and flow. We turn down effortless manifestations and wonders in our life because we can’t receive them.

Can that person really be that amazing? Is that job really so great? Did I really win that prize? Can I really earn that much? Yes, yes and YES! Don’t shy away from these things – open your hands and receive. Stay present, aware and in innocence, not in judgement and cynicism. Life is not too good to be true, it’s both good and true!

The more you allow wonderful things to flow into your life and receive them with grace and gratitude, the more will come because you’ve opened the floodgates.

Flow goes both ways – from you, out into the world and, from the world back to you. To keep that energy moving, don’t ‘return to sender’ on your gifts!

4. Be patient

Life happens according to its own timing, not to my timing, your timing or, the timing that your parents, friends and society approve of.

When we want things to happen exactly when we want them to, we go into a state of force. This blocks our flow and actually pushes things away, making them take even longer to reach us!

Stop trying to control when things happen, just work diligently towards them and leave the rest to diving timing. Stay present and as per step 3, when it comes, receive.

Can you be in flow 100% of the time?

 As with all my teachings, I teach from my experience. And based on that, my answer is no.

There will always be times when we fall back into our old ways of force. Our fears, limitations and conditioned behaviours will always be there, and we will play them out.

So, it’s not about being 100% in flow, it’s about knowing when you are in force, and pivoting to flow. Recognise the force, pivot to flow, recognise the force, pivot to flow – rinse and repeat, over and over. That’s how it works for me.

After doing this for a while, the momentum does shift and you’ll spend more of your life in flow than in force. And that’s when magic really starts to happen. I’d love for you to experience this. But unfortunately, I can’t make it happen for you. You must choose. Choose to relax, to follow your heart and soul, to receive and be patient. Choose to let life happen through you, not to you. Choose to be in flow. And as always, let me know how it goes!

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Learning makes people change

One of the most memorable moments of my childhood was when my dad told me ‘you never stop learning’.  I’ve always been a curious individual and one of the many questions I dwelled on during childhood was what makes people change?  There are some people who seem like they never change, perhaps those who live with their parents for large parts of their lives or rarely venture outside of their hometown. On the other hand, there were people who I aspired to in school because they competed in national competitions and ventured abroad. While of course, some opportunities aren’t necessarily available to all, we not only learn from our own experiences but from other people’s too.

People don’t always need a solution

Another thing I wondered about when growing up was why people came to me for advice, listened and then went away and did something completely different. It was so frustrating for me to see at the time, but now I think know why. People neither want nor need you to tell them what to do with their lives. In fact, it’s possibly one of the worst things, as it takes away their autonomy and sense of control (see Deci & Ryan’s self-determination theory). They either want you to listen (without trying to fix or solve) or to open their mind to other perspectives. This knowledge has removed the frustration and replaced it with a useful realisation, like a magic spell!

A natural desire to nurture others

Developmental Psychology has also helped me understand why people change. Specifically, that we value certain things at different stages in our lives. I’ve always wondered why so many people have children and I think this desire stems from the sense of caring we develop during our middle-ages. People want to nurture future generations, as this provides both a sense of belonging and meaning and purpose in our lives. This doesn’t mean having a child is the only way to establish purpose, but rather a common goal for many.

Being open to experiences

For most of my twenties, I was immersed in an appreciation of beauty and excellence. I wanted to enjoy many of life’s pleasures and rarely gave a thought to my future. I was happy because I let some of my values determine my behaviour (being open to new experiences, learning about the world and personal growth). As humans, we are naturally creative, so it’s important to allow ourselves to go with the flow at times. Important events in our lives help reveal our values and for me, it was going abroad for the first time to be a soccer coach in the US.

My own Happiness Project

My interest in Positive Psychology started with reading popular self-help books, particularly Gretchen Rubin’s Happiness Project. This book is based on setting weekly or monthly goals with a motto for inspiration and motivation. I decided to set 30-day goals for each month of the year and a few of these led to some big revelations. My first was to start a happiness accountability group, where a group of like-minded people would get together in a café once a month to talk about their goals and progress. The group served as a source of motivation and support for each other. It was fascinating to observe how some people implemented change, while others stuck to old habits. I really wanted to know why, so I remained curious.

Discovering my love for writing and wellbeing

Another goal of mine was to write a book, and I’m proud to say I did this, which was a major achievement for me (being a true perfectionist). I wanted some way of remembering the useful tips I was learning from the books I was reading as well as what I was observing in my happiness group. Though the book is written, it has not yet been edited and published. My goal back then was just to get something written, to see if I enjoyed the process and I did.

One of my last goals was to enrol in a Positive Psychology course, and my curiosity led me to a course on Coursera. I stumbled across the PERMA theory of wellbeing, and it helped me identify different elements of my life that contributed to my overall wellbeing (Positive Emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment). I was so eager to learn more and this led me to complete a Diploma in Positive Psychology and become an accredited coach.

The importance of value-based goals

I wanted to understand why I had ebbs and flows with my 30-day goals. Why were some goals effortless to achieve, while others required so much effort with little gain? My tutor asked me a question that led me on a journey to find the answer ‘what does it mean to you to achieve these goals?’. Since then, I’ve searched for science to support my own theories about setting goals and achieving them, and realized that one of the fundamental building blocks is our values. When goals are aligned with our values, something clicks and what may feel like a challenge (e.g writing a book) becomes not only achievable but extremely enjoyable!

Discovering your values

What is a way of accessing our values you may wonder? Founder of Positive Psychology Martin Seligman co-created the VIA Character Strengths, also known as Values in Action. There is a free survey you can complete here (as a way of discovering your own). Note, the list of 24 strengths does not cover all the things people value, but starting here may give you a good insight into what you value. Then, see where your values take you and let me know.

If you enjoyed reading this and wish for support in discovering your own values, visit my website and book a FREE consultation.

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Ignore All Adjectives

I passed on to a friend some praise that someone else had said about them. My friend gave a completely unexpected reply, she said ‘I am ignoring that, I ignore all adjectives.’ Wow, I had to know more, what did she mean ‘ignoring all adjectives,’ how does one even do that? She said for the last year she has been ignoring all adjectives that she hears about herself, the good ones and the bad ones and it has been really liberating.

What an interesting concept. While receiving compliments is rewarding in the short term, it is only one person’s opinion and only their opinion at that particular time. On another day or another occasion they may say something completely different about us. They may no longer be pleased with what we are doing as it doesn’t fit with their expectation. On top of that we have to consider all the different people we come into contact with, some will show praise or respect in some way, some will be neutral and others will convey their disappointment.

Take Control

If we react to everyone’s fluctuating opinion of us, we can be on an emotional rollercoaster, our mood rising with the compliments and falling with the complaints. However, by disassociating ourselves from the adjectives people use to describe us, or describe what we do, it can give us the freedom to take control of the situation, to respond to it rather than reacting to it. It also allows us to keep a growth mindset and keep trying challenging tasks because we are not scared of what people will say if we fail. We know that failing is very informative and is a crucial component in the process of learning.

Self-Compassion

Ignoring the adjectives people use to describe us is also an act of self-compassion. We are not beating ourselves up if someone is less than satisfied with what we have done. We are taking control of the situation because we have consciously made the choice that our self-worth isn’t contingent on someone else’s opinion.

Humility

By ignoring the adjectives people use to describe us, it can also help us to keep a sense of humility. When things are going well and we are riding high, we can get caught up in the wave of our own success. While this may be enjoyable, we know it won’t last forever as we will eventually get to a task that tests the boundaries of our experience and knowledge. Ignoring the adjectives helps to keep our feet on the ground. It means that when we come off the success wave, we are not thrown by this change in state. Once again we are in control of our response.

Well I’m going to start to put this into practice and see what effect it has on me. Sure I’ll miss the compliments, but do I really need them.

Why don’t you try it out too? Let me know how you get on with it.

Read more about Bryony Shaw and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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As the year draws to an end, this is usually a good time to reflect on everything that happened and look forward to what the future might bring us.  A good moment to stop, pause and reflect (mentioned in my previous blog) because taking a time out can sharpen our brain and make us more alert and efficient.

Forced to slow down

Things can change fast. One moment I was just walking around, and the next I was unable to walk. All because of one single, small accident, I tripped my foot on an uneven tile and twisted it. Result: one broken foot that is now in plaster resulting in me being pretty immobile. I had and have no choice but to slow down. I also had to build new routines and shift my priorities.

It feels a bit like the first lockdown again, I cannot leave my house, I cannot go anywhere, I am confined in my own little space. I am grounded.

Unfortunately, this time the weather is not so nice, winter is coming and instead of seeing my garden blossom, like  in lockdown number one, I now see it slowing down and becoming quiet, with autumn colours fading away and leaves disappearing with the wind. The air has become dense, some days are misty from morning till evening, and others are cold and bright, showing a wonderful blue sky and pleasant sunshine (I definitely prefer the latter).

Gratitude

Despite the huge inconvenience and the moments of frustration, I try to tap into my strength of gratitude.

I am very grateful that this year, for the first time ever, we have put up the Christmas tree already at the end of November. I also ordered most of my Christmas presents. Not sure why I did this so early this year, but both turned out to be good decisions. When it is dark and cold outside, I can now turn on the Christmas lights, light a few candles and take a good book at the huge pile that is waiting for me. Turning my living room into a cosy nest.

I am also grateful that my bedroom and bathroom are downstairs so I can reach them by wheelchair. As I am unable to manage the stairs now, this is a huge advantage.

But I am especially grateful for the help of my children and children-in-law and my dear friends. Their support is indispensable and heartwarming. And I am already looking forward to spending Christmas with them.

Lessons learned

I have to say, being grounded sometimes feels like punishment. Every minor task I used to complete on autopilot now requires thought and effort and some of them even feel like a workout, like taking a shower or fixing lunch. I definitely have moments of frustration, exhaustion, and anxiety.

However, I am also challenged to use my strength of creativity whenever I need to move things or try to get hold of things that are just out of my wheelchair scope. Surprising how simple objects like a shopping bag can turn out to be extremely useful tools when moving around in a wheelchair.

All of this also makes me humble when considering the many people in much worse circumstances. Some of them dealing with life-threatening illnesses or permanent disabilities. Most of the time we take our health for granted without appreciating the capacities allowed by our health.

So, you might guess what I will be toasting for on New Year’s day. What about you?

Read more about Inge Beckers and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

Als er onverwachte dingen gebeuren

Nu het jaar ten einde loopt, is het zoals gewoonlijk een goed moment om eens na te denken over alles wat er is gebeurd en uit te kijken naar wat de toekomst zou kunnen brengen. Een moment om even stil te staan, te pauzeren en te reflecteren (zie mijn vorige blog) want een time-out nemen kan ons brein aanscherpen en ons alerter en efficiënter maken.

Door omstandigheden ben ik nu genoodzaakt de adviezen op te volgen die ik mijn eigen cliënten gewoonlijk geef.

Gedwongen om te vertragen

Dingen kunnen snel veranderen. Het ene moment liep ik gewoon rond, en het volgende moment kon ik helemaal niet meer lopen. Door een klein ongelukje struikelde ik met mijn voet over een ongelijke tegel en hij sloeg om. Resultaat: een gebroken voet die nu in het gips zit waardoor ik behoorlijk immobiel ben. Ik had en heb geen andere keuze dan te vertragen. En daarnaast moest ik ook heel snel nieuwe routines opbouwen en mijn prioriteiten verleggen.

Het voelt eigenlijk weer een beetje als de eerste lockdown, ik kan mijn huis niet uit, ik kan nergens heen, ik zit opgesloten in mijn eigen kleine ruimte, ik heb een soort van huisarrest.

Helaas is het deze keer niet zo mooi weer, de winter komt eraan en in plaats van mijn tuin te zien bloeien, zoals in lockdown nummer één, zie ik het nu vertragen en stil worden, met herfstkleuren die vervagen en bladeren die verdwijnen met de wind. De lucht is dicht geworden, sommige dagen zijn mistig van ‘s ochtends tot’ s avonds, andere zijn koud en helder, met een prachtige blauwe lucht en een aangename zonneschijn (ik geef absoluut de voorkeur aan het laatste).

Dankbaarheid

Ondanks het enorme ongemak en de momenten van frustratie probeer ik mijn sterkte van dankbaarheid te gebruiken.

Ik ben heel dankbaar dat we dit jaar voor het eerst de kerstboom al eind november hebben neergezet. (normaal doen we dat pas nadat de Sint is geweest) Ik heb ook de meeste van mijn kerstcadeautjes besteld. Ik weet niet zeker waarom ik dit zo vroeg dit jaar deed, maar beide bleken goede beslissingen te zijn. Als het buiten donker en koud is, kan ik nu de kerstverlichting aandoen, een paar kaarsjes aansteken en een goed boek pakken van de enorme stapel die op me ligt te wachten. Zo kan ik mijn woonkamer omtoveren tot een gezellig en knus nest.

Ik ben ook dankbaar dat mijn slaapkamer en badkamer zich op de benedenverdieping bevinden zodat ik er met een rolstoel bij kan. Trappen doen is nu echt geen optie.

Maar ik ben vooral dankbaar voor de hulp van mijn kinderen en schoonkinderen en mijn lieve vrienden. Hun steun is onmisbaar en hartverwarmend. En ik kijk er nu al naar uit om Kerstmis met hen door te brengen.

Les geleerd

Ik moet toegeven dat dit alles soms als een straf voelt. Elke kleine taak die ik vroeger op automatische piloot deed, vereist nu nadenken en inspanning en sommige voelen zelfs aan als een work out, zoals douchen of de lunch klaarmaken. Ik heb best wel momenten van frustratie, uitputting en angst.

Ik word echter ook uitgedaagd om mijn creativiteit te gebruiken wanneer ik dingen moet verplaatsen of dingen moet pakken die net buiten mijn rolstoelbereik vallen. Verrassend hoe eenvoudige voorwerpen zoals een boodschappentas uiterst handige hulpmiddelen kunnen zijn als je je enkel met een rolstoel kan verplaatsen. .

Dit alles maakt me ook nederig als ik denk aan de talloze mensen die zich in veel slechtere omstandigheden bevinden. Sommigen van hen hebben te maken met levensbedreigende ziekten of blijvende handicaps. Het doet me beseffen dat ik meestal mijn gezondheid als vanzelfsprekend aanneem zonder de capaciteiten te waarderen die mijn gezondheid mogelijk maakt.

Dus je kan misschien al raden waarop ik op nieuwjaarsdag ga toosten. En jij ?

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If that’s a blinding glimpse of the obvious to you then you need to read no further but for those of us who struggle every year with the concept of what we’d really like to do and what we feel obliged to do, read on

This week, whilst chatting on the phone, one of my friends said to me “I just can’t do Christmas dinner for 17 people again this year” (!) She meant it. It’s too much. This year she simply has too much on but regardless there is an expectation that she will continue to ‘create magic’ for the family. Some of us seem to feel the pressure to either host or join in when in truth we’d really much rather be doing something else.

How can we manage boundaries at Christmas or any other time?

What is a boundary and why would we set them? What does a Christmas boundary sound like? and what should we think about when setting our boundaries?

What is a boundary?

One definition of a boundary is “The emotional and physical space needed in order to be the real you without pressure from others to be something that you’re not” (like a party person, or a perfect guest)

Some people feel guilty for setting boundaries but we shouldn’t

Establishing boundaries helps people to be clear about where they stand with you (and everyone likes to know where they stand) Boundaries are also a way of taking care of ourselves and we have a responsibility to look after ourselves. Setting boundaries might feel unfamiliar and awkward at first but it’s worth persevering with, practice makes perfect.  Honest and direct communication helps and in turn, we gain respect from others.

What does a Christmas boundary sound like?

·      No thank you, I won’t be joining you this time, but have fun!

·      Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do lunch for everyone this year, but perhaps another year. Would someone else like to volunteer this year? (It’s not your problem to fix)

·      Thank you, I can join you for a short while but I will need to leave at (X) o’clock.

·      Great, I would love to pop in and see you all, but I have another commitment later.

·      Yes, I’d love to join you but I won’t be staying all weekend as I also need to get some rest.

What should we think about when setting our boundaries?

We should communicate clearly when setting boundaries, clearly and assertively. Repeat your response if necessary, preferably in exactly the same words, to emphasise your decision. Be unemotional, you don’t have to explain yourself, or provide an excuse or an alternative solution for people, you just have to be clear and then make sure that you follow through. This part is really important, if you don’t follow through it will all be for nothing, act consistently when upholding your boundaries. If you want to allow for a more gradual change you might plant the seed this year that you will be doing something different next year, it makes it easier for everyone if they know what to expect.

Boundaries often arise from unhealthy beliefs, in the case of Christmas it might be something like

·      I have to hold the family together (Everyone has a responsibility to do this)

·      I can never say no to X (You always have a right to say ‘no’)

·      I would just feel too guilty if I did something on my own and left them to get on with it. (You have a right to do things that are just for you to avoid becoming over-enmeshed and to maintain your own identity)

·      Families should always spend Christmas together (Says who?)

Ask yourself where these unhealthy boundaries came from. When were they established and are they helpful or useful to you today? If not change them.

I wish you a happy, healthy, peaceful and boundaried Christmas.

Read more about Janette Kirk-Willis and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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