Are the mid-life theories outdated?

There is certainly a great deal which has changed since the time many of the theories were developed, which is anywhere from the 1950s to 1980s. Much of this research is based upon men as the traditional breadwinner and women as the homemaker. Although some of the research has expanded to include career women the research is of its time and focuses mainly on men.

Erikson (1950s) created more stages of development for childhood than in adulthood, although this did cover mid-life but not in as much detail as Levinson (1978) who looked specifically at adult development.

Levinson’s work identified transitions in the adult life span where big decisions are often made as we move from one decade to the next.

Vaillant (2002) who was involved in a longitudinal study lasting over 80 years which mapped the development of a group of mostly men through their childhood through to old age (often called the Harvard Study). He identified mature defences in coping with adversity such as humour and altruism, often present when we reach middle age when we have developed more mature responses to life.

A theory I am fond of and I’m also using in my own research is by Robert Kegan (1983). Called the Constructive-Developmental Theory, it takes a different approach to many others. In Kegan’s theory, he sees adult development as a transformation of how we think. This is one of the few theories that do not tie us down to the expectation that at a certain age, we will be a certain way. We all develop at different rates and that’s normal. Importantly, it means it refrains from comparing people with each other and instead focuses on understanding where a person is in their own developmental trajectory.

But whichever theory is applied, they each offer something helpful about the patterns of development within the twenty-first century.

What about mid-life?

Infurna et al. (2020) argue that despite decades of research into adult development we still don’t know that much about mid-life development. Instead, we hold stereotypes as fact. For instance, it has become a standing joke that everyone has a mid-life crisis. This idea of a crisis has been extolled for decades and often paints this time in a person’s life as going downhill, acting like children and trying to reclaim their youth in embarrassing ways! Yet mid-life can and should be about growth and opportunity.

The Mid-life in the United States (MIDUS) study was developed to build a clearer picture of mid-life and is a big contributor to understanding what it is to be middle-aged. Studies such as these, are helping to dispel the myths and inform policy of what mid-life is really like. This takes a more serious look at mid-life, including when mental health is affected by the change in caring roles and concerns with employment and physical health. Adjusting to these changes can be hard but can also be an opportunity.

Fitting mid-life into the 21st century

Arnett et al. (2020) points out that the ‘stages’ of change that the earlier theorists propose have shifted. Young adults tend to stay at home longer and marry later. The use of technology has changed the face of relationships and working life. Caring for children is no longer the central role of the family, and careers can exist alongside raising a family. People have children later in life or not at all, and mid-life is not necessarily the mid-point in life anymore. We are living longer. We work longer and enjoy better health. Societies which are affluent enable those who live within them to make more choices than ever before.

Applying Kegan’s theory, it argues that a large proportion of the population will be in an evolutionary phase (called order of consciousness) that is focused on fitting into society for most of their adult life. This is when we want to blend in and be part of the community and occurs around early adulthood and lasts right up and beyond our mid-life. This is a good thing, especially in young adulthood when we need to shape our careers and families and be part of society. When we reach mid-life some people (but not all) start to differentiate themselves from the social group and develop more complex thinking (which is moving to the next order of consciousness). They can disagree and be comfortable with not fitting in all the time. This does not mean they reject and isolate themselves from the group, but they are able to speak their minds without fear of rejection.

Developing ourselves to be able to stand up for our own needs rather than always putting others first is a key part of the mid-life transition. Rather than mid-life being a ‘crisis’ it can be the opportunity to reflect, learn from what has been experienced, and to shape your life by doing something that brings you reward and enjoyment. This might be retiring early, having more time to support family and communities, or doing work that is more about the reward than the big salary. So how do we maximise our opportunity at this time in our life to grow and develop and see this time and our future as full of promise and opportunity?

Is Mid-life a time to give back and nurture?

Many of the adult development theories include generativity which is when a person begins to think about the generations behind them and offer their wisdom and support. Mid-life is the ideal time to think about how our activities and behaviours impact other people. And we don’t need to do big things if we have little time. Talking to younger generations and sharing some of your skills. Setting a good example in your community by litter picking or planting wildflowers for the bees. It all adds up!

Mid-life opportunities

Have there been things in your life or directions that you would like to have taken but didn’t? It may have been out of reach or just not right at that time. Mid-life is often the time when we have the resources to be able to revisit those missed opportunities. This could be just about anything from hobbies, new jobs, going back to education for the hell of it, or moving to a new location. What is that thing that you never did get around to doing that might just be the ticket to put some new interest into your life? Who do you want to be in your mid-life and beyond?  What strengths have you underused for too long?

Mid-life planning

It might be for you that to turn your mid-life into an opportunity is to stop doing something rather than start doing something. Have you developed a bit of a routine that you wonder why you keep doing it? Are there things that can be stopped to make your life more satisfying? We clearly do not want to cause harm by stopping doing something important, but if it’s something that does not serve you and is not going to cause harm then consider whether it is worth continuing with. So ask yourself what you want to still be doing in ten years’ time, and what do you not want to still be doing?

Before you rush in, reflect

Often we have not had the time to really think about what we would like to be doing. We may have work and families that take up our time. We might just try and push through even though something is calling to us. Find the time to stop and reflect each week, to really listen to what your inner messenger is telling you. What small thing can you feel bursting out of you that you just want to do? It doesn’t have to be anything life-transforming, just something small that reminds you that you have choices and the right to live your life your way.

References:

Arnett, et al. (2020). Rethinking Adult Development: Introduction to the special issue. American Psychologist, 75 (4). 425-430. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/amp0000633

Kegan, R. (1983). The Evolving Self: Problem and Process in Human Development. Harvard University Press.

Levinson, D.J. (1978). The Season of a Man’s Life. Ballantine Books.

MIDUS website https://www.nia.nih.gov/research/resource/midlife-united-states

Stevens, R. (2008). Erik Erikson Shaper of Identity. Palgrave MacMillan.

Vaillant, G.E. (2002). Aging Well. Little, Brown and Company.

Read more about Lisa Jones and her other articles HERE

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This is of course, a sliding scale based on culture, location, values, and other demographics. The term ‘illness’ is something experts are working toward changing, since it isn’t exactly true of everyone who lives on a spectrum of mental health. Think about the “Big Five”. Openness, Conscientiousness, Extroversion, Agreeableness, and Neuroticism. 

Our mental health is as much on a sliding scale as our physical health. No two of us are exactly alike, so why shouldn’t we apply what we know in our positive psychology to the categorized ‘illnesses’, which in some cases, are simply states of being? 

Adaptation of the term “Illness” 

No two individuals experience the world in the same way. This is true of those who live in abundance and those who live in a depletion of resources. There are times when higher levels of neuroticism is simply a cultural trait, rather than an individual red flag. 

The same is true for a lack of openness, or a mindset that is more collective, rather than individualistic. 

Experiencing traumatic events over time, as an environmental event, can skew our perception by tricking our brain into thinking that we need to be on high alert much more often than we actually do. 

Applied Perception of Mental Illness  

I imagine that there is a great deal of proactive, determined, grit filled thinking going on right now in the citizens of countries in war. Will they have an optimistic, positive thought filled day? Perhaps. But then, perhaps not. 

Does that make them any less positively proactive? No. Will positivity be called for? It depends on the person. I try to put myself in their shoes. How can we? How can we possibly know the carnage, fear and chaos that is laying the foundation for chronic post traumatic stress disorder? 

Our reality is not an illness as much as it is our reality. It is how we live our life, how we think and how we behave. Some of us have experienced hardships that are unspeakable.

Applied Psychology

We all chose this field for one reason or another. Rarely is our choice an impersonal decision, and it’s certainly not one for those who have never experienced any sort of suffering. 

There is no negative thinking or positive thinking when you also live with a mental health issue. It means your brain is wired differently, which means you are wired differently.

To know the strengths of character, the science of our subjective well-being and our institutional health, is to know our mental health on a continuum. We chose to be here so that we can help others align their social and cultural reality to one of living their best lives. 

We have to also honor our own realization of our biases and use of the terminology around this idea of mental health on a continuum.

In peace and defining mental health,

KH

Author: k.  Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card.

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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This is something I’ve been contemplating for several years now. While working with people who were truly suffering, I attempted to apply positive psychology. I was in a place where the focus was on the pathology intertwined with agency policy over people.

It didn’t go well. In the immortal words of Marty Seligman, on the state of psychology,  “It’s good, but not good enough”.

That statement stuck with me for the past thirteen years. When I worked for that agency, they were still using the same model of pathology under the same supervision of someone who had never professionally left her position for twenty years. The agency reflected the leadership. I knew I had to leave. The worldview would never be eye to eye.

Darkness

The challenge was, “Can we make miserable people less miserable?”. Beyond the pathology, there is another option. This was the seed planted in 1998. In today’s world, many of us have suffered loss in unbelievable ways. The darkness of the global pandemic turned us toward each other. The virtual world. 

The indelible lightness of being one with hope continues to hold on to those who believe the power of the mind. Something that has been tested and challenged for most of us. 

The more struggle and hardship someone has, the harder it is to buckle down on seeing the good in people. Those determined to rise above will already have a set mindset. Others have the opportunity to change their mindset. With work. 

For those who’ve lived in suffering, the challenge will be more of a struggle than for those who have never had a significant hardship. Great loss, financial crises, or violent crimes change us.

Balance with Light 

Culture, age, race, community status, familial patterns, and linguistic comprehension are all valid components of how our work will be received.  If we’re not mindful of what we say to whom, we can create a counter culture that will double down on an opposite effect. 

‘At any given moment, we can have a completely different life’, only applies to those whose basic needs are met. For others who have home, safety, or family insecurity, that whimsical advice, though perhaps well meaning, is more fuel for the toxic fire. 

Respecting one’s audience seems a best practice policy we can all easily adapt to. 

Perhaps, the darkness of our times is a call to action on how we adapt our field to meet the needs of those we seem to leave behind in our research. 

In the words of Albert Einstein, 

“If you judge a fish by its ability to climb a tree, it will live it’s whole life believing it is stupid” 

We, the positive psychology people, are challenged to go where the people are, to learn about their culture, and then, adapt to their strengths.  

Humans are adaptable, organic beings, capable of anything they set their minds too. Darkness when in balance, sheds light in a new and different way. One we can all embrace. 

Author: k.  Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card.

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So? Are we all languishing these days, or is it that we were inundated with this idea that we are? 

Languishing? 

This feeling of emptiness, or apathy as we see wave after wave of bad to horrible news is a very real concern today. In 2002, a scholar at Emory University  published an article about languishing compared to flourishing. It was in the early days of positive psychology, when we were all so excited to finally speak out loud about the good things in the world. Keyes work has followed us into the other side of despair. 

We want to flourish, of course, but today, twenty years later and two years into living in a global pandemic, I have to ask, is languishing really such a bad thing? 

Flourishing

Flourishing means that we are productive, joyful, engaged, and love all the parts of our lives. For the most part, if we are flourishing, we are also emotionally strengthened by our own sense of purpose. 

However, what happens to those who only focus on being productive, flourishing and engaging? Will they have the strength to bounce back from a longer period of languishing? Will they know how? 

For those of us who experienced terrible life events prior to the pandemic, there seems to have been a push for outward joy. We encourage productivity, community engagement online and a sense of dedicated purpose to create the pivot toward happiness.

Why are we ignoring our blah? Why not embrace it? 

For those who faltered after too many deaths, or financial hardship, languishing became survivor mode. The apathy in some cases, actually helped the human brain to cope with the sense of hope. The Feeling of being unproductive created a mental health crisis that led to aggression. 

People who had never experienced sadness and that sense of feeling stuck developed for some, into more anxiety and/or depression. Flourishing itself became irritating to those who were not mastering new languages, or fitness, or even picking up new skills. 

All that happiness online began to irritate people. 

We knew that if we paid attention to the apathy, we’d be able to neurologically develop a sense of deep appreciation for the stagnation. After all, the majority of world renowned classic artists that we cherish, have suffered a mental health crisis across centuries. 

If Van Gogh had not suffered as he did, would we be as appreciative of his sunflowers? 

There is something quite poetic and lovely in the languishing of a slower life, free of the pressure to flourish at every waking moment. 

Our emotions are not to be feared, but instead, savored as a part of the whole of being human. Embracing one’s self while blue, we paint our world with indigo light. 

To all who languish, be not afraid of the night, for there, you will more clearly see the stars. 

KH

Author: k.  Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card.

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I called myself a “positive psychology practitioner” long before anyone decided to make that an official title, with a certificate program.

I was in constant contact with people in the field by lending my voice to the ‘movement’ where I interacted with some of the now, biggest names in the field. I almost became a MAPP myself, before my life imploded. Implode it did. Though, I don’t share that story here, I’m not shy about what happened.

Story Telling

When we share our personal accounts of life events, or life lessons, we become vulnerable to the judgment of others. The things that were once valuable, become worthless while the things we never noticed, become a glaring awakening to our personal development.

Sharing my story turned me into a bit of an outcast in the field. In my personal life, I lost everything within a very short period of time. I almost lost my daughter to a brutal experience on top of everything else. In telling the world my story, I was met with some shocking truths about some of the individuals I knew in our field.

Two core truths:

1. Not everyone had the bandwidth or interest in hearing about grief or loss in relation to a positive psychology
2. I was also met with a great deal of rejection when I didn’t pull out of the grief that followed my loss.

Today, I think back to that time as one of great pain, and a great awakening. We learn the most about ourselves when we also go through immense human suffering.

Personal Truth

As much as I grieved the loss of so much all at one time, followed by further loss as if everything in life was a domino, I also walked through the darkest time in my life. This darkness held onto one singular truth from all that I had learned and taught in positive psychology.

Stay focused on hope. A belief that not just wishful thinking, but actual, faith driven trust in the universe that there will be something better on the other side. I am not full of sunshine and rainbows, but then, I never was.

But, I am an experienced guide through grief, having walked through it alone. Very few people wanted to travel that journey with me. Those who did, did so authentically.

When we survive trauma, grief, or hardship that others will never quite understand, we also tend to learn a deeper sense of purpose, meaning and compassion that others may never fully embrace. Today, empathy, compassion and a realistic understanding of both happiness and sadness are part of my lexicon.

Today, more and more of you are also focused on applying the positive core values toward the meaning of suffering.

I know without a shadow of doubt, that it is the responsibility of the survivors to reach back, to help guide others through to the light.

Here’s to your personal journey through the light life.

KH 

Author: k.  Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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Humans are disconnecting from each other through our labels, categories, and fundamental belief systems. We are forgetting that neurologically, we are all connected.

Each of us is a reflection of where we focus, yet with social media, it’s become more evident that we are also in a psychological deficit.

“We live in a society that disconnects from generations” ~ Dr. Gabor Mate

Connection is … 

Our connection to the whole person experience of being alive is the only way for us to fully embrace the existential exploration of this time in our lives. Our meaningful experiences are fueled by neurological connection to all that we absorb. 

When we allow technology to do our critical thinking, we are giving up a piece of our humanity. Why then, are we so addicted to the technological life line that brings us all knowledge? 

Our connection to the world has become increasingly harder. In tandem with our younger generations, being disconnected from forming healthy long lasting human interactions, we are trading difficult emotional connection with technological connection.

Will this mean that our next generation won’t know how to cope with hard experiences? 

Can love be experienced as a balm to soothe our soul as we navigate the global stressors we’ve been under? 

Love is … 

What is love to the extent that we are focused on the way we experience it? Love is what motivates us to want to make the world a better place. Our emotional understanding is, the connection we make to life itself.

With the emotion of love, we feel good about feeling good. It is an emotional response to all things, be it our lover, our friend, our love of learning, our pets and our careers. 

We can love art, with a deep appreciation for both the intangible and the artist themselves. Why then, do we say that artists are ‘tortured souls’?

Is it because they pour their soul onto their work, for all the world to see?

The courage to be creative in a world disconnected from passion takes a great deal of love and vulnerability.

The Budha said, “Without the many there cannot be the one and without the one, there cannot be the many” 

Love, connection, curiosity, courage, vulnerability, passion, meaning, all entangled in this art of being human, allow us the clarity to live in a time when humans are determined to stand out, instead of standing in. 

When we care about others, we are showing ourselves that we care about our species. Without the connection to the plight of others, we are voluntarily losing our humanity, our compassion and our empathy. 

To express ourselves as unique individuals, fighting to be heard over the cacophony of noise, while wanting simply to be loved, is an act of rebellious sense of self. 

In peace with love,
Aren

Author: K. Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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Our cognitive ability to consciously manifest our lives is a cornerstone in CBT and ACT. The whole person approach to living our lives leaning toward the positive, involves an ability to believe in ourselves. To trust ourselves to recalibrate our internal pattern of thinking. It’s not magic. It’s alchemy. 

Light Life 

By focusing on our positive thoughts, actions and feelings in tandem with beliefs, we are able to cultivate a space of healing that allows us to engage in a more balanced, happier, healthier life. 

So why then, isn’t everyone living in this positive energy field of active love of life? One that would render the need for helping or healing professionals? 

We are thrown off by the energy of others in that, some of us are strongly influenced by the singular need to be in power. Others still are unsure of their own emotions so they rely on the emotional influence of others. And then, there are some who mimic the formula of success, so that they too, can become successful, regardless of their own influence on others.

Holistic Healing Speaks volumes

I’ve seen very successful people promote positivity, yet, when speaking to them, they come off as greedy, selfish, and rude. Their energy doesn’t lie, even if they are engaged in a high volume sales pitch of their positivity program.

We’ve all met someone who feels, ‘off’. That’s something that comes from our intuitive knowing about that person’s intentions. 

I stopped practicing Reiki when I knew that my trauma was interfering with my own sense of wellbeing and health. I didn’t want my dark energy (negative thinking) to get in the way of active listening or authentic intuitive healing of the client. When we listen to our core values and beliefs while also being sincere with our clients, we are working at our highest ethical standard of practice. 

It’s not easy to be honest with ourselves when we want to believe something to be true, but when we are not energetically aligned with our own truth, we are not going to be our very best self. 

Meditation is another form of holistic healing, but the scientific crowd doesn’t want to call it that when they are also doubling down with disagreeing with how energy work heals. The same can be said for our religious values. 

I’ve had people tell me that Reiki is sent from a dark force. Others have laughed at the religions of others, as if their belief system is a part of the energy healing process. 

In truth? 

Energy Healing is a tap into the raw internal truth of one’s thoughts, feelings and ability to be purely honest with oneself. It may in part, be part of a belief system. But so is quantum physics. Not everyone believes in the electrical impulses our brains create to keep our heart pumping either. And yet, the evidence proves all of these things to be valid and real. 

In light and the power of life altering discoveries.

k. Aren 

Author: K. Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. Her doctoral dissertation was in subjective wellbeing and organizational membership. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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The parts of ourselves that were rattled with grief, remain pain points for us to focus our healing. 

The unconscious became conscious on several fronts, throughout our journey. Everything about our language, our worldview and even our friendships shifted and changed. 

Those of us who live in the United States have also realized how very divided many of us are about our fundamental belief systems, and/or systemic ideals on what the world should look like. 

Be curious

• Curiosity about the thoughts or actions of others seems to be a solution. 
• Curiosity about why people got away with despicable things, while also boasting about being above all others. 
• Curiosity about our core sense of self in relation to others became more defined.

‘Why’ is a question I found myself asking, time and time again. A character on the TV show, Gray’s Anatomy had a line that I personally, felt aligned with as I defined my purpose here. 

“I lost myself for a long time.” Christina said, as she awoke from a pattern of wholeness that felt inauthentic. 

So many of us woke up to want more for ourselves. We realized how much of our decision making was based on settling just to fit in, or, nesting under the wing of the more powerful, just to survive the collective way we now work, as we nested during this pandemic. 

Ted Lasso (another TV show award winner), had a great speech when facing down a corporate powerhouse bully. 

“Be curious, not judgmental”

Ted went on to explain that his entire life, people underestimated him based on the outside. They were judgemental toward him but they were never curious. He was bullied a great deal, but while the bullies and judgemental people disregarded his abilities, he was honing his skills into becoming an outstanding human with special talents. 

For me, and perhaps you can relate, I unpacked a great deal of the last 50+ years of my life last year. It was a bit overwhelming at times, to be honest. We’re told to disclose our vulnerabilities, right? 

In theory, that’s a brilliant idea. In execution, not as much. Unless the stakeholders in your life also welcome that vulnerability. 

I did it though. I unpacked; unleashed; and even UN-learned a great deal that my blinders-on way of living told me I had to live. 

Post Traumatic Growth

I had to shift my awareness not only to how I was living my post-traumatic-growth life, but also how I was allowing others to treat me. It was not easy, but it was necessary. 

I chose to head into 2022 as a curious person, not a judgmental person. 

It is a theme in our mass media, but it is also a theme we can all benefit from in our pursuit of happiness. 

Be curious in your pursuit of positive psychology. Not judgemental. Unlearning is part of learning the purpose of our field of choice. Vulnerability is a part of that journey. 

Don’t just settle for what is being taught to you. Question it. Question everything. Then decide what your special talents are. The collective consciousness will grow because of it. 

In Peace and Light,

k. Aren

Author: k.  Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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All the challenges in the world can’t take your light from you, but they sure do try from time to time. 2021 reminded us of the darkness we all experience, some more than others. It was a tester year for millions of people around the globe. It was one of those years that gave us challenges, upstarts, grief, sadness, and in some cases, trauma.

Some people experienced post traumatic growth, and positive affirmations, but not all.

The song of our choosing

When we put together our year end playlists, we think about the whole of our lives in review. The positives and the negatives. We say goodbye to those who have left us and hello to new ideas, or adventures we wish to take in the new year.

We reflect on where we are, and where we wish to go. Who we have in our lives that ignites our passion for living our best life is intertwined with those who hold us back. We are human after all. Complete with flaws to compliment our successes, there is nobody on earth who is purely good fortune all the time. If that were true, this field of psychology would not exist.

Diamond or Star particles?

We know now that we’re all part of the star particles that emanated from the very formation of our planet all those billions of years ago. When we’re faced with the challenging years, we can always feel ourselves being pulled into the darkness of the human condition but have the option to look up into the stars.

The darkness around us invites in the stars within us.

When I started writing for The Positive Psychology People six years ago, it was a way for me to connect to people outside my own small rural place on the planet where I was isolated from a majority of others in the field. I was the only person interested in the positive psychology where I was located. I was the only person teaching it at my university and I was the only one who knew the foundational philosophy of it.

It was isolating.

My connections with the IPPA and the MAPP’s of the world started in 2007. You all gave me the light and encouragement to understand that we are all connected through this common theme.

If it weren’t for you diamonds shining bright in your part of the planet, others would not have found the inspiration to continue on in the pursuit of happiness or the courage to see through their darkness.

We do not only stay focused on the light, happy, sparkly diamond to live our best life. We also live through moments of painful growth. A diamond, after all, begins as a black lump of coal, sparkling only after being put through extreme pressure.

To everyone in the positive psychology field and especially to Lesley, Iain and the supporters of these pages, I wish you the very best New Year as our adventures await.

In gratitude for your support. You kept the spark alive for those of us, who needed someone else to hold the light for a while.

K. Aren

In Peace and Light,

Author: K. Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. Her doctoral dissertation focused on subjective well-being in unity with belonging. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card.

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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Eat, sleep, repeat. You are what you are. You don’t even slightly resemble a butterfly. You are wonderful and unique in your own right, you are life, but you’re only ever going to crawl around on the ground.

The human as a caterpillar is the human that is yet to awaken and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with this stage, it is essential. But it’s only the start. The caterpillar stage can be encompassed in Carl Jung’s statement that we spend the first half of our lives developing a healthy ego.

What is ego?

It’s your identity. It’s who you think you are based on your childhood experiences. Your personality, the way you think the world works, how you relate to others, your belief systems. It’s limited, it’s structured, it’s fixed, it’s repetitive. You may grow a little within the bounds of your ego, but you do not drastically change or transform. You just become a bigger caterpillar.

Here’s an example of my caterpillar stage:

– I am what I achieve

– I must work hard and prove myself

– I fear rejection and abandonment

– My success is based on material gain

– I must get approval and validation from others

– I must please others and meet their expectations

– I am limited, life is limited, life is a struggle

– I must hide emotions like anger or sadness and tears

This is a tiny snippet of my caterpillar world. Whilst I spent years building my self-awareness and reflecting, you can learn so much about yourself just by asking a few introspective questions, observing your behaviour and looking at your own life. Once you get a feel for your caterpillar, don’t resist or judge it. Just become aware. It’s all OK.

The cocoon

When the caterpillar goes into a cocoon, it turns into complete goo. Everything it was, dissolves.

In human terms, this is the dissolving of the ego, the identity, the beliefs as I shared above.

Some people call this a mid-life crisis (although it can happen at any time). You start to question your purpose in life, you may physically and mentally retreat for a while, you realise that how you’ve been doing things is not making you happy anymore. Your buried wounds and traumas are coming closer to the surface and the material world doesn’t satiate you as much as it once did. You want more. You need more. You may not know what ‘more’ is, but you yearn for it and you begin to seek.

If you embrace this period and do the inner work, you will start to break down the fragile egoic identity. You’ll start to question your own beliefs. You’ll stop doing what you used to do, you’ll question your deeper motivations, you may get coaching/ therapy as you try to navigate the ‘goo’. It can be really uncomfortable, a sort of ‘no man’s land’ where you’re not what you were but, you’ve not yet become what you’ll be.

For me, this stage includes:

– questioning my ‘people pleasing’ personality and seeing that it’s dysfunctional and harming me

– realising how I sabotage myself by feeling unworthy, insecure and allowing fear to rule me

– realising that no one out there can validate me, I must validate myself

– understanding my childhood traumas and how they’ve shaped my world

– seeing how my childhood belief systems are just ‘stories’ I’m repeating, not the ultimate truth

– looking for the real me – who am I? What is in my heart, my soul? What is my truth?

I hope this gives you a flavour of what it looks like to begin disintegrating what you thought you were. It can be like waking up from the Matrix! If you’ve seen that movie, they really depicted well how uncomfortable the process of waking up from the illusion can be. But, it can also be amazing, freeing, exciting and full of possibility!

The butterfly

Now for the reshaping.

From the goo, from the dissolved ego, you start to rebuild into who you were always destined to be. Not who the world told you to be, but who you truly are – a beautiful butterfly with wings to fly! The old beliefs of lack, limitation, people-pleasing etc. no longer apply. You start to realise what’s important to you, how you want to live, what you want to do. You see that if you want to fly you must give up the things that were weighing you down. You cannot be a caterpillar and a butterfly at the same time. You realise that you have a choice.

In this stage, you learn the truth of your own soul and you let this part of you lead. As you follow this truth, you start to grow wings and soon take flight. You may be nervous – that’s because it’s new, you’re learning, you’re being reborn, you’ve never flown before! It can be very vulnerable.

Sometimes the caterpillar and cocoon call you back to ‘safety’, where safety is the familiarity of the caterpillar or the protection of the cocoon. But your wings are also taking shape and there is an urge to fly. This is the daily battle that has been analogised in many ways – a battle between heart and head, ego and soul, lower self and higher self, devil and angel. Each time you feel this inner war, you are challenged to choose the higher.

My butterfly stage includes the following realisations:

– I am a spiritual being having a human experience

– My soul has innate gifts and a purpose to express here on Earth

– I know what I love to do, how I want to live and I must do it

– The only limits are in my own mind

– I do not have to set myself on fire to keep other people warm

– I can be unapologetically me, I am whole, there is nothing wrong with me, I’m not broken

– My soul is the master and my ego is the slave

Your butterfly journey will be unique to you – as will your caterpillar and cocoon. There are patterns and similarities across us all but your transformation is a personal experience.

The pitfalls

Sometimes we can stunt our own process of growth, here’s how:-

1. Staying as a caterpillar or in the gooey cocoon

You’ve got to keep moving, shedding and evolving. Once a wing begins to sprout you cannot change it back, once you’ve tasted flight, it’s painful to stay on the ground. But you can fall back.

What’s it going to feel like when you stop people-pleasing and start putting your needs first? Uncomfortable. When you end a relationship or job that wasn’t serving your highest good? Uncomfortable. Petrifying even! That’s called ego death or abandonment depression – and it hurts. The ‘old you’ is being put down and it won’t go quietly. So, you’ve got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Keep moving, keep growing into your new self, do not retreat.

2. Trying to get rid of ego

I know I just used the words ‘ego death’ but don’t take that too literally. A misconception in modern self-help and spirituality is that we must get rid of the ego. This is both impossible and undesirable; your ego is your mind and body – if you get rid of it, you’d be dead! You need it.

But, notice what actually happens in the cocoon – the caterpillar (ego) is disintegrated and reintegrated into the butterfly. It does not disappear and get thrown out. It is broken down and reformed. It is the raw material. Here are some examples of how your dysfunctional caterpillar ego is reintegrated in a functional, healthy butterfly:

The caterpillar says: I must put other people’s needs first.

The butterfly says: I love to support others once I fill my own cup.

The caterpillar is a high achiever collecting trinkets, trophies and accolades to feel worthy.

The butterfly is a high achiever working towards fulfilling its soul’s purpose.

3. Thinking this process only happens once

I don’t experience this as a one-time thing and I don’t think anyone does. The caterpillar to butterfly process happens multiple times. Sometimes I have big shifts in a short period, other times I have lots of little sheddings and rebirths. There are no rules. There is just continual growth and evolution. Piece by piece you disintegrate and reform different parts of you, like pieces in a jigsaw.

The two halves of life

As mentioned earlier, Carl Jung said the first half of life is devoted to developing a healthy ego. He also said, the second half of life is going inward and letting go of it. That is the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. That is the process of human evolution, it’s the journey we are all on and if you embrace it willingly you will transform into a beautiful butterfly. Just like the caterpillar, it is your innate destiny to do so.

“Your time as a caterpillar is over. Your wings are ready.” – Unknown

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