Leaving education, parenthood, empty nesting, redundancy, divorce, menopause, bereavement… these experiences can all leave you pondering the big questions: Who am I now? What should I do next? What matters to me?

When our old story no longer fits us, or we are no longer willing to bend ourselves to fit it, it might feel disorientating rather than liberating at first. Uncertainty and unfamiliarity are uncomfortable!

Most of us don’t like big change like this, but they offer a catalyst for transformational growth if we are brave enough to step out of the bubble of who we thought we were. When things are unknown and the way ahead is unclear, we can use this jolt as an opportunity to pause and look within. It’s there that we can find the answers to help us with our next steps.

We Are Made of Stories

Narrative therapy can be a helpful starting point to sort through some of this confusion. It’s a simple concept that can have a deep impact: we make sense of our lives through stories. We look for meaning in what happens to us and around us. These stories shape how we see ourselves and what we believe we are capable of. They create the ‘instruction manual’ for how we respond to life’s adversities.

Growing up, certain narratives can become dominant until they feel like facts rather than interpretations. They aren’t even our own stories sometimes! They might come from a parent, an older sibling, a teacher, or perhaps are based on an event that didn’t go so well, which, over time, we add to with other examples of events that fit that storyline. This is how we create limiting stories and beliefs.

How Can Positive Psychology Help?

With positive psychology, we accept that difficult things happen and that we, and our lives, aren’t perfect. This recognition helps us to step back to allow a wider perspective. We focus on what is good and useful within us, to find meaning in what’s happened. And with this new understanding we can grow past, around and over these old stories. We have the chance to write new ones, consciously shaped and grounded in our true strengths, values, and hope.

Rediscovering Our Identity

During transitions, it is common for us to feel uncertain of who we are. Who are we if the roles that once defined us change or disappear? If we aren’t the parent, wife, employee or friend anymore.

This disruption to our identity gives us the opportunity to make new meaning for ourselves, and as adults, we’re in a much better position to build a truer identity, based on the things that are important to us.

Narrative therapy calls this an opportunity for re-authoring. Rather than asking ‘What’s wrong with me?’, the focus shifts to ‘What story have I been telling about myself, and does it still serve me?’

Remember, you are not the problem; the problem is the problem! When we accept this, it helps to externalise the situation, and we can stop blaming ourselves for everything. Drop the self-criticism and allow some space for change.

Change Needs Self-Compassion

To build our resilience and flexibility in our responses, we need a healthy dose of self-compassion. Not only to support ourselves but also to recognise that we aren’t always at the centre of events, to change our thinking from ‘this always happens to me’ to accept some things just happen. Wellbeing is strongly linked to how people interpret and respond to life events, not simply to the events themselves.

Take a New Path

With this self-knowledge, we can stop responding to life using old story lines and instead choose a new template.

Our stories can feel so true because they are so well-known to us. They are as familiar as an old shoe. In our old default mode, we might tell ourselves:

• ‘I don’t cope with things well’
• ‘I never could do anything with maths.’
• ‘I’m a terrible driver.’

These narratives often make themselves known in times of stress and, if we let them, can narrow down our future possibilities.

Re-authoring is not about forced positivity or rewriting the past with rose-tinted glasses. It’s about broadening the story to get the fuller picture. Noticing the skills and strengths that we often bleach out because they don’t fit with the limited vision we have of ourselves. But we are often much more capable than we give ourselves credit for.

Taking the wider view on who we are lends us greater clarity, motivation, and importantly, hope; hope that there is a way forward, a new path, something that matters for us to do that will give us satisfaction and purpose once more.

How to Begin Re-Authoring

Don’t wait until you feel you have everything worked out before you start turning that page on a new chapter. Start moving forward in small steps now. Reflect as you go so you can build your confidence. Prove to yourself that you are capable and leave space to course correct when needed.

Start by reflecting on:

• Your story so far: What labels or assumptions have you absorbed about yourself over the years?
• Seek out the exceptions: When have you acted in ways that contradict the limiting story, even if it was briefly?
• Values: What still feels important?
• Strengths: Which of your personal qualities helped you get through past difficulties?
• Build a picture of the future you want: A future where you are guided by your values rather than fear or habit.

Reflecting, journalling and conversations with trusted friends can all help build your insights and self-knowledge. Create a truer, more compassionate narrative of who you are.

Moving Forward with Intention

Rewriting your story doesn’t mean trying to be rigid or trying to control everything. It means choosing how you relate to change and how you describe yourself within that.

If you are at a crossroads and questioning who you are becoming, your next chapter does not need to be a bold step or perfectly executed. The most important thing is it needs to be yours.

Set aside time this week to reflect on one question: What kind of story do I want to be living a year from now, and what is one small step towards it?

Image courtesy of Pixabay

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Being authentic is about knowing who you are, what’s important to you and what you stand for. Then, choosing how you show up in the world. The important word here is ‘choice’.

As Walt Whitman pointed out, we contain multitudes. We are complex, and we can decide what to bring to the fore on particular occasions.

What Is Authenticity?

We get to know our authentic self by,

• discovering our values
• understanding what gives us meaning, and
• recognising who we are when we are being our best selves.

Authenticity helps us understand why we behave in certain ways and why we believe the things we do.  It isn’t ego. Ego is more about what we project, the façade, not the reality of who we are.

It can be difficult to distinguish the two, though. Sometimes what we call our authentic self is just another distortion. One we aren’t yet self-aware enough to recognise!

Keeping a clear and consistent sense of self is especially hard when we are young. We are still working things out. There might be conflicts between our authentic self and our culture, family, schools or workplaces. We may not be aware of this conflict only of the discomfort it causes us.

Authenticity Is Multi Layered

Who we are and how we fit in the world isn’t always clear-cut. We are many things to many people. How we behave adjusts as we shift between our many selves: a parent, a friend, a partner, a colleague, a son or daughter.

We show up in different roles, in different environments, adapting to the situation, tailoring ourselves to the context. It’s a bit of a skill.

When thinking about how much authenticity to bring to any given situation, consider this –

• Is it appropriate, e.g. if you work in a public-facing role
• Is it necessary – it can be enough to know your own stance, without sharing it.
• Is it safe?

It’s a balance that requires taking responsibility for who we are, and at times courage – to choose to be or not to be –  authentic.

Authenticity And Others

Being mindful of others doesn’t mean we have to ditch our authenticity. We can modify ourselves whilst remaining authentic when it’s a conscious decision. Think of it as bringing a particular facet of yourself to the fore. It doesn’t mean you are being ingenuous, only adapting to the context, pulling back the louder, quieter, shyer, playful, impulsive, gregarious, boisterous aspects of the self, as appropriate.

Recognising the difference between this and when we are changing ourselves to hide or blend in is key.

If the values of our workplace, friendship group or culture don’t align with us, we might find we are masking on a regular basis. There is an incongruence between who we are and who we are expected to be, and we need to be mindful of the cost of that to our confidence and sense of identity.

Authenticity And Wellbeing

Authenticity has been shown to relate positively to our well-being, psychological health, better relationships, lower rates of depression and increased confidence.

Knowing who we are gives us access to our inner guidance and provides us with a consistent sense of self. It helps us understand ourselves. We can decipher our true motives when we act in certain ways. It encourages us to behave in accordance with our core identity rather than following the herd. It helps us to recognise our feelings, trust our judgement, and identify our preferences. All great information.

Is It Still Healthy If We Are A Bit Different?

What if being yourself means you stand out more? That can feel really uncomfortable at times. We can face a conflict between wanting to belong and wanting to be ourselves. And both these things are important to wellbeing.

Research¹ suggests that finding your tribe is the answer – the places and people where you can be you! You don’t have to be fully authentic in every setting for your well-being, but being able to be authentic in some places is crucial, especially in our closest relationships.

How Can We Become More Authentic?

What if you’re not sure who your ‘real self’ is? A good starting point is to become more aware of your values. When you know these, it’s easier to spot when your choices, actions or behaviours are in conflict with your core self.

There is a quick exercise to help you uncover your key values. Get in touch if you’d like me to email you details. Otherwise, talk to a friend or mentor about the things that are important to you. You will find that people brighten and lighten when they talk about things that inspire them.

Think about what gives you meaning in life. If you hit a blank, then consider a person you admire. What did they do or achieve that inspired you?

Try journaling to develop self-awareness. Visualise a future you, living in alignment with your authentic self. Use prompts to flesh out this vision: where are you working, who with, how do you feel?

Get Comfortable Being Uncomfortable

Authentic happiness comes from living an authentic life. It isn’t always easy. It may call on us to confront some inner beliefs that perhaps were never our own. It might need us to change, and that can be uncomfortable. But it will be worth it! Once we get to know our authentic self, it is hard to stop it from pushing outwards and starting to shine.

References

1. Mengers, Abigail A., “The Benefits of Being Yourself: An Examination of Authenticity, Uniqueness, and Well-Being” (2014).Master of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) Capstone Projects. 63. http://repository.upenn.edu/mapp_capstone/63

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When I talk to a client about their strengths and how behaving in ways that puts those strengths to use makes them feel, we often get a few lightbulb moments. They notice a ‘thread’ weaving through their lives. Things they’d put down to random impulses. Things that drive their interests. They may be able to trace that thread back to happy early experiences or activities with a family member or an inspiring teacher.

What are Strengths?

In essence, they are our positive characteristics, the behaviours we find natural and satisfying.

There are 24 of them in the VIA positive psychology scheme.

Peterson and Seligman’s (2004) 24 Character Strengths 

Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence, Bravery, Creativity, Curiosity, Fairness, Forgiveness, Gratitude, Honesty, Hope, Humility, Humour, Judgement, Kindness, Leadership, Love, Love of Learning, Persistence, Perspective, Prudence, Self-Regulation, Social Intelligence, Spirituality, Teamwork and Zest.

The link to take the free test and uncover your strengths is in the references below.

We can practice any strength and improve those skills, but the ones that come to us more naturally are key to our wellbeing. This is because positive psychology isn’t about fixing what clients see as ‘broken’, instead the aim is to shift the focus to things they do well. It is a strength based approach; discovering your strengths and doing more activities that use them.

Strengths and Wellbeing

A key way of supporting your wellbeing is to make sure that you are using your strengths regularly, ideally every day. We often do this naturally when we are feeling good;

• Taking a gift to a poorly neighbour (Kindness)
• Being the instigator of adventures in your friendship group (Zest)
• Bouncing ideas off colleagues and supporting others in the team (Teamwork).

Signs you are using your strengths; they energise you, you forget time, you look forward to doing them, they make you feel happy even if they are challenging (in fact its great if they are a bit challenging). So they are great motivators and help with changing habits and developing new behaviours.

Which is all good for positive self-image, resilience, building your identity and sense of competence and confidence. They help you connect with yourself and the world around you because they are ways of being that are meaningful to you, that you value. In fact they will closely align with your values. They make you feel like you!

Sometimes, if we are going through a difficult time, we stop doing some of these things and that can deepen the spiral of negativity. When this happens we need to consciously start building back in the activities that give us the sense of self.

What does that look like in practice?

Some strengths might seem more relevant to your work and others more to your social life, but actually you can approach most activities using your key strengths. It’s who you are.

You can bring Kindness to insurance sales calls and Gratitude to your gym session. It’s the attitude rather than the activity that is important.

Humour is one of my key strengths and understanding what that meant to me, how I value being playful and connecting with people through laughter, was a game changer. It has encouraged me to find more ways to tickle that funny bone.

Humour is in the Virtue of Transcendence so it is important in helping me feel connected to other people. It takes me out of myself when I am lost in my head! I use Humour in so many of my interactions with people. It may not be ‘laugh out loud’ humour but my quirky way of seeing the world or the way I look to make difficult conversations easier and bring people together.

It gives me so much in return, the same value other people get from offering acts of Kindness or Gratitude. Everyone’s a winner. I make someone happier by making them smile, I make myself happier by using my top strength.

Using Strengths To Achieve Your Goals

An area of personal development I’ve been working on for about a year now is public speaking it’s something that I find very anxiety provoking but it is necessary for my work.

How can I use my strengths to support me? Well if you do a Venn Diagram of public speaking and Humour stand-up comedy will be in the intersection! Stand-up is essentially acting, everything is pretty much pre scripted, just like with a lecture or a talk. So I’ve used the motivation I get from practicing my strength of Humour to support my public speaking by doing stand-up. It has got me standing on stage and talking in front of 250 people. It has helped me to associate the adrenaline with excitement rather than fear!

How Are You Going To Use Your Strengths To Boost Motivation?

You might need to think outside the box a little.

Love the outdoors (Appreciation of Beauty and Excellence) and want to improve your Leadership skills? Try volunteering with an outward bound organisation. Want to make more friends but find it hard to start conversations? Tap into your Curiosity to come up with interesting questions.

Once you become more aware of how you play to your strengths you can build in more ways to practice.

Can you think of ways to put your strengths to work to achieve your goals? Not sure how? Get in touch to brainstorm some suggestions together.

References

Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification (Vol. 1). Oxford University Press.

Discover your strengths – take the free test  https://www.viacharacter.org

Feature image curtesy of Pixabay

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Wrong! Positive psychology is much more than a ‘happyology’. It is about
focusing on the good in yourself, in the work you do and in the
community around you. It is the scientific study of what makes life
worth living, focusing on our strengths, values, and wellbeing.

The key study areas in positive psychology all support confidence:

– Self-Awareness – helps us notice our skills and the good in ourselves
and others,

– Strengths – helps us better understand ourselves and our best
qualities,

– Values – supports our understanding of what is important to us,

– Positive Emotions – focuses attention on the positive and helps
correct cognitive biases,

– Motivation – building a growth mindset through action and practice,

– Self-compassion – because you aren’t going to get it right first time!

Positive psychology will support you to build your confidence in so many
ways. It gives you an optimistic but realistic view on who you are, and
nurtures a trust in yourself and your abilities.

What is confidence and why is it important?

Confidence is key to our mental wellbeing, increasing our resilience,
supporting goal attainment and building better relationships. It isn’t
about being successful, happy or good. Those things come and go. It is
about trusting in your abilities.

When you ‘have your own back’, you are more willing to give something a
go because the risk isn’t as great should things not go exactly to plan.
We will be kind to ourselves, making us more willing to try again, and
so, gradually expanding our abilities. As EE Cummings tells us,

‘Once we believe in ourselves we can risk curiosity, wonder, spontaneous
delight’.

Confidence as a Skill, Not a Trait

When you see confidence as a skill that can be learnt, rather than a
trait we either have or don’t have, it’s a game changer. Because
confidence is built from the inside. It isn’t in the money you earn or
the degrees you achieve, but in recognising the ability within yourself
to achieve those things! That way it can’t be taken from you.

Start to recognise and value your abilities

Confidence is a feeling of certainty or a belief that you can rely on
something, and when it comes to self-confidence – that thing you can
rely on? well it’s you! You trust your ability, your judgement. You
recognise you have the skills to either do what is needed, find out how
to do what is needed or find the right person to help you. You are
capable.

When you are confident you think, feel, talk and act differently as a
result.

It is a positive spiral, because when you are more willing to take
action, you are more likely to get positive experiences of success and
more likely to take the next step, and then the next!

Are some people more naturally confident?

Some people start out in life more confident, perhaps due to the
positive support from parents or teachers, or because they are more
naturally optimistic. As we get older we internalise these ‘supporters’
as an encouraging inner guide.

If you didn’t have supporting relationships in your formative years then
developing this inner guide may need more conscious effort but with
attention, encouragement and practice you can build that internal belief
in your own abilities. By challenging yourself you stack up the evidence
of your successes.

For me walking was the thing started out my confidence building journey.
It created a trust in myself that I could keep at something. I was
already good at persevering in work situations but when it came to my
own personal goals, especially my health goals, I would let myself down.
Fads would quickly come and go. Establishing a regular walking practice
was a first step in changing that and so much has grown from there, way
beyond my health.

That self-confidence has spread to running my own business, showing up
on social media, public speaking, standup comedy. Now, if something is
important to me, I’m prepared to give it a go!

How do you build confidence?

Practice – and then, practice some more. A single workshop on public
speaking won’t make you a proficient speaker, you have to keep building
on what you have learnt.

Review – we have a tendency to gloss over our achievements, jump
straight into the next thing without a pause to notice and congratulate
ourselves. Don’t play down your successes, especially not to yourself.
Own it! Keep a list of all the things you do, big or small, towards your
goals.

Be Aware – Notice what needs work. Be honest about your strengths and
your weaknesses, without judgement. Confidence grows when you know and
accept yourself. How can you improve in the areas you want to develop?

Pick the right goals – Make sure they are your goals, not someone
else’s! Having goals that mean something to you is the best motivation,
and have some fun ones too, things you want to achieve simply because
you enjoy them.

Mind your language – Watch out for negative self-talk and gently correct
yourself when you need to. If you find it hard to spot the negative talk
then try writing things down or saying them out loud. It will help you
notice your inner voice.

Remember ‘Whether you think you can, or whether you think you can’t,
you’re right.’

Take it one step at a time – Thinking too far down the line can leave
you overwhelmed. Want to run a marathon? Start working towards your
first 5K. Break down goals into to small steps and stack up your
progress, recognising your successes as you go. Keep checking back and
noticing how far you’ve come.

Self-Compassion – Remember progress is not linear, there will be hiccups
and setbacks. Keep going. Being compassionate with yourself as your
stretch your comfort zone is a gentler and more successful way to move
forward.

Pick your support team – surround yourself with supportive people, chose
some who are on the same path as you so you can encourage and give each
other useful feedback.

Use Your strengths – lean into your character strengths to motivate and
support you.

Believing in yourself is your greatest asset

Recognise the agency within yourself. Be prepared to take action. And
practice, because that is how confidence is built – through action and
practice.

You’ve got this!

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When positive psychology first arrived on the scene its mission statement was to help the average person move beyond ‘getting by’ and support them to actually flourish. But 25 years later, if my work as a Positive Psychology Coach is anything to go by, more and more people are seeking out positive psychology as a solution to their ongoing low (and not so low) levels of mental distress.

Anxiety and stress are increasingly common conditions with 40 % of the population experiencing medium or high levels of anxiety.

Experiences of stress are even higher, with 74% of people feeling so stressed they were overwhelmed or unable to cope. And that figure is greater in younger people.

It seems the ‘average person’ needs support with managing these conditions.

Positive psychology can, and should be, taking up this challenge. It provides people with evidence-based strategies that support them to regain balance and rebuild their resilience.

What is Stress?

We all experience stress to some degree and how we manage that can make a big difference to our overall wellbeing.

Occasional stress is natural and useful as a motivator. But what happens if stress continues for too long? Or when our mind and body don’t ‘get the message’ that the stressful event has passed?

When a stressor pushes us into fight or flight mode the body diverts blood from less urgent functions in order to pump more around the body. Hormones like cortisol and adrenaline are released. We jump into survival mode and activities like digestion, sleep and planning take a back seat.

That can be really useful for getting things done but we run into problems when we get stuck in action mode and forget to come back down.

Is It Stress or Anxiety?

Stress is the body’s response to external pressures, things like work deadlines or running late for a meeting. Anxiety is more of an internal state of apprehension or fear, sometimes without any clear cause or trigger.​

They are closely linked; being stressed for a long time can cause anxiety and being anxious can cause stress.

Both are normal human reactions but we can get stuck in those states for too long and then they can start to interfere with our ability to manage our lives.

The Body Keeps The Score

There is a toll on our mental, physical and emotional health which can lead to…

• Increased irritability
• Difficulty concentrating
• Forgetfulness
• Lower productivity
• Pain in the body such as headaches, tight jaw, upset stomach, muscle tension
• Disrupted sleep
• Changed appetite
• Worsen existing health problems  
• Weakened immune system
• Decreased sociability
• High blood pressure
• Chest pain
• Increased use of substances (legal and illegal) as a coping mechanism.

When stress and anxiety become chronic, they start to reduce our ability to function effectively and can contribute to serious health issues like heart disease and depression.

How Can Positive Psychology Help?

Positive psychology can support us to manage life more effectively. It builds resilience, by focusing our attention on our strengths, and boosts wellbeing.​

It helps us cultivate practical skills to manage stress and gives us a greater sense of control over how we deal with life events. When you feel you have the resources to cope with whatever life throws your way, you don’t have to be in ‘ready’ mode waiting for the next thing to come at you. You remember to set down the defences and relax.

Find what works for you to reset and rebalance. It might be a run, walking, dancing, meditation, grounding yourself, taking a shower.

Do the activity consciously. Say to yourself ‘I am now letting go of that event, it has passed.’ Feel your stomach drop and relax, your breathing slow and deepen. Your body acknowledges the shift in pace. It gets the message it is okay to rest now.

Quick, regular actions are the key. A few minutes each day is more useful and achievable than trying to find big chunks of time in your week.

Here’s some suggestions to try.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is about paying attention to the present moment in a non-judgemental way. Simple but not easy! Try techniques like meditation or focusing on your breath. These help bring you back into the now. Develop the habit of stopping to notice how you are feeling at points through your day. Watch what thoughts that come up, how does that feel in your body?

Focus On Positive Emotions

Spend time doing the things that bring you joy and satisfaction. Take time to reflect on things you’re thankful for and have achieved. Give yourself permission to do that. This broadens our perspective and that is a critical resource in managing life’s bumps in the road.

Honour Your Boundaries

When you have a lot on your plate, avoid the people and news that stress you wherever you can. Practice self-care around your boundaries so you give yourself the time and space to wind down.

Maintain Good Social Connections

Supportive relationships are a source of emotional support and give us a sense of belonging. These are crucial for our mental wellbeing. Prioritise time with friends and family so you don’t feel you are just squeezing them in around a hectic schedule.

Get Active

Doing some kind of physical activity that you enjoy is fantastic for burning off that stress response. Otherwise that energy can fuel stress and anxiety symptoms. Exercise releases mood lifting endorphins too, so what’s not to love!

Don’t Compare Yourself 

We all react differently to situations. Something that causes one person stress won’t bother someone else, so don’t waste your time comparing yourself.

Ask For Help

Talk with a friend of professional if you need support. Telling people what’s going on in your head is like releasing a pressure valve. Don’t keep it in! If you don’t want to do that with friends, family or your workplace manager then find somewhere else – a support group, a therapist or coach.

Develop a Regular Routine

Build in a regular routine around the basics; your sleep, healthy meals, drinking enough water, moving your body and connecting with others.

And Remember…

Stress and anxiety are normal and natural responses, in our minds and our bodies, to events happening in and around us.

Many of the things that cause us stress are external to us but managing stress is something that is something we can get better at.

Think consciously about decompressing; shifting your state from stressed to calm. Recognise when it is time to down tools and return to your rest and digest mode.

If you need help to discover the ways to do that then talk to someone who can support you. If you are finding that hard then get in touch. A Positive Psychology Coach can help you do just that!

References

1. Anxiety: statistics | Mental Health Foundation
2. Stress: statistics | Mental Health Foundation

Image By Pixabay

The following is a Deep Dive podcast that discusses the issues raised in this article

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How Does Being Kind Benefit You?

We generally think of kindness as something we offer to other people but there is growing evidence to show that, in fact, there are benefits to you as well. Being kind has a positive impact on the ‘giver’ too. Even witnessing acts of kindness can have a positive impact. How is that?

The Science of Kindness

Dr David Hamilton is an expert in kindness. His research shows that offering acts of kindness can trigger the release of oxytocin within us. Oxytocin has a number of health benefits such as reducing blood pressure and cortisol¹ as well as giving us a sense of connection and affiliation to people around us. These findings are supported by further research².

Other beneficial chemicals such as dopamine, endorphins and serotonin can also be triggered when we are kind. These affect us positively in different ways; dopamine gives us feelings of reward and motivation, serotonin helps us with mood and emotions and endorphins give us a rush of pleasure and act as a natural pain killer.

All these mechanisms boost our desire to do good acts which is great because we know kindness strengthens important relationships, helps us to build new relationships and also gives us a sense of belonging.

Kindness As a Strength

In positive psychology, Kindness is one of 24 Character Strengths identified by Seligman and Peterson³. As a Strength, it is defined as being ‘caring, compassionate, nurturing, friendly and altruistic’. Acts of Kindness may involve helping others or offering gifts, kind words or affection all without expecting anything in return. It is this altruistic element that separates it from pro-social behaviours that we might do for more selfish reasons like seeking approval, financial gain, improve our position or out of duty.

Enacting a strength that features high in your profile offers satisfaction in and of itself, so there is an added benefit to being kind for those strong in Kindness. Helping others, whether they are family, friends or strangers, is rewarding for those high in Kindness. They have a natural respect for other people and a desire to help them. Offering care, compassion or generosity comes naturally because they are orientated toward the other; they are looking outwards to see where they can support and nurture others.

Shifting Your Focus Outwards

For me, it is this orientation towards the other, the looking outwards, suggests one reason why being kind can improve anyone’s wellbeing, even if you aren’t high in this strength. Being kind builds our connection with others. It helps us recognise our common humanity and gives us a focus outside of ourselves. All of which create perspective and give us meaning.

And of course acts of kindness go beyond those to fellow humans to include all creatures, plants and the planet itself. So even if it not a top strength for you, by practicing Kindness and developing that aspect of yourself you will see some positive benefits.

Ways To Practice

From small acts; a smile, a compliment or holding a door, to larger offerings such as volunteering, a surprise gift or donating money, blood or clothing, it all adds up.

Find the ways you enjoy being kind. I’m not great at buying presents, I worry too much whether people will like them or not, but I do enjoy cooking a meal for someone. You may not have the money to treat a friend but your time and attention is the greatest gift you can offer anyone – bar a kidney of course. That is, if they need a kidney and you have one to spare.

A classic positive psychology exercise is Three Kind Things. It works like this, make a note last thing at night or first thing in the morning of three kind things that happened that day. These might be things you did, or kind acts you saw or read about that touched you. Do this for a fortnight or build it in to a regular practice that you do once or twice a week.

Try different ways of being kind, be imaginative. You might find some suit you more than others but the variety keeps the feeling novel and keeps those feel good hormones circulating.

Savouring

As with many positive psychology interventions, you can deepen the impact by reflecting on and savouring the kindnesses you do, witness or receive. How did it make you feel, what value did you bring to another’s day, or they to yours? These little (and big) things add up and build our sense of our purpose and the value we bring to our families, communities and the world.

By giving your attention to the good things that have happened you are providing an antidote to our brain’s natural bias towards the negative.

Don’t Forget Yourself

People with Kindness high in their strength profile can, at times, feel they have given too much. This is often because they have forgotten one thing, kindness must include yourself.

Kindness connects us to others but as with any relationship, if that giving is all one sided then you can let yourself be drained. Kind people are like wells of goodness that others want to be near and tap into so make sure your roots go deep and keep yourself nourished. When you remember to keep your own cup full you can maintain that caring, nurturing part of yourself.

Kindness is not self-sacrifice, it is not putting yourself last. You are part of humanity so treat yourself with the same respect you offer to others. When you respect your boundaries this way people are better at recognising and appreciating the special magic you bring and you also become an excellent role model. Everyone benefits in the end.

Trigger Some Positive Neurotransmitters Today

The cherry on top of any positive psychology practice is being aware of the positive impact it is having on you. When you realise that being kind makes you happier you will get an added bonus each time you recognise that you have proactively generated the release of a feel good hormone within you. You recognise that you have a role to play in how you feel, that you can support a more positive mindset and you are able to regulate your emotions.

So give it a go, see how you feel and notice the benefits.

References

1. Hamilton, D. R. (2021). The five side effects of kindness: This book will make you feel better, be happier & live longer. Hay House, Inc.
2. Curry, O. S., Rowland, L. A., Van Lissa, C. J., Zlotowitz, S., McAlaney, J., & Whitehouse, H. (2018). Happy to help? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the effects of performing acts of kindness on the well-being of the actor. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 76, 320-329
3. Peterson, C., & Seligman, M. E. (2004). Character strengths and virtues: A handbook and classification(Vol. 1). Oxford university press.

Photo:   Easter Egg Lego – Pixabay

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I often get asked what is Positive Psychology actually about? My go to response; rather than trying to ‘fix the bad’, Positive Psychology focuses on the good, building on that to make the most of our personal resources.

This is what I help people do and it is an excellent strategy for creating a more positive mindset, a mindset that focuses on ability and skills rather than the areas where we feel we fall short.

Of course Positive Psychology was developed to benefit us not only at the individual level but the organisational and societal level too. So how does this approach of ‘building on the good’ play out in the workplace?

To answer that, let’s look at some of the key pillars of Positive Psychology in turn.

Strengths

Identifying employees’ strengths is a great starting place for building positive teams.

Employees are expected to meet the specifications of their job description but what about additional skills and talents they could be bringing to the table? If we ignore these we miss out on individual abilities and interests that have the potential to add much to the business as well being a source of satisfaction and motivation to the employee.

Because, when we play to our strengths, work is easier and less stressful. Whilst tasks outside our comfort zone will generate stress, even once they are practiced, and will slip to the bottom of our to do lists when we are busy.

Tapping into an individual’s natural abilities builds confidence and, if there is potential to specialise with some tasks, allows employees to play to their strengths.

Carrying out a strengths inventory of the whole team builds recognition and appreciation for each other’s abilities.

Values

Learning my values was a game changer for me. It changed how I thought about my work because it helped me understand my drivers, and I could tap into those for motivation. There are further knock on benefits too because when I recognise I am doing work that is in alignment with my values it increases the satisfaction I take from it.

Imagine amplifying these benefits by discovering  these motivators for all of your team members and from there recognising how these fit within the values of the organisation as a whole.

Values can motivate us to tackle difficult tasks. Perhaps you dislike confrontation but know that team work is a key value for you. This knowledge can push us to start a difficult conversation that will help clear the air.

As with our strengths, knowing our values helps us recognise potential sources of stress because work that doesn’t align is harder for us, and we can use this awareness to better manage the situation.

Resilience

Finding out about your teams strengths and values is essentially a ‘stock take’ of your human resources. These activities in turn build resilience because self-knowledge and the opportunity this offers for self-reflection helps generate confidence in our ability to achieve goals.

Resilient people are optimistic and future focused, they review outcomes and acknowledge their achievements. They put this knowledge into their planning for how they move forward. They recover quicker from setbacks because they reflect on the causes and what can be learnt from this and accept that some things are out of their control.

These are all behaviours that can be learnt and developed. Team meetings are opportunities for a regular practice of acknowledging successes and reflecting on setbacks, understanding the actions and skills involved to create an informed, ‘can do’ attitude.

Positive Emotions

Positive emotions include feelings like joy, gratitude, awe, inspiration and playfulness. They may not seem an obvious focus for the workplace but positive emotions are a sure antidote for stress. And the benefits of a happy workplace are significant. Positivity increases creativity, builds psychological safety, shifts mindsets and creates a workplace to be proud of, one that employees want to be a part of.

As with resilience, creating a regular practice of acknowledging what we have achieved at the end of the week can quietly bed in a positive culture. Recognising not just the work focused tasks but also some of the ‘softer skills’ team members have demonstrated such as the practical or emotional support of a colleague or an insightful conversation.

Positive emotions have been shown to broaden perspectives and they make us more creative and receptive to new ideas. They build a flexible mindset so it is easier to learn new skills and practice new behaviours. All of which improve psychological strength, promote good mental habits, make us more resilient, help us to forge social connections and keep us mentally and physically healthy (Garland, Fredrickson et al 2010.). So are definitely worth promoting in the workplace!

Motivation and Mindset

When we bring this understanding of strengths, values and positive emotions together we build resilience and promote a shift in mindset. Motivation increases, both for the individual and a wider motivation to act to support the team and its overall efforts.

It offers the language to promote honest conversations around performance and self-awareness and confidence to ask for the support.

A workplace where employees feel understood and confident to speak up is a workplace built on psychological safety, where they feel a part of the organisation and its culture.

Resources

Learn about your unique differences can help you bring out the best in your team.

Find out more about your team’s communication styles and strengths with Satori People Development Emotional Intelligence | Satori People Development | England

Outdoor team building has been shown to benefit creative solutions by widening our perspectives so try taking time away from the office in nature with facilitators like Elevate With Ellie www.elevatewithellie.co.uk/Team Coaching

References

Garland, E. L., Fredrickson, B., Kring, A. M., Johnson, D. P., Meyer, P. S., & Penn, D. L. (2010). Upward spirals of positive emotions counter downward spirals of negativity: Insights from the broaden-and-build theory and affective neuroscience on the treatment of emotion dysfunctions and deficits in psychopathology. Clinical psychology review, 30(7), 849-864. 

Image curtesy of Pixabay

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Becoming self-employed this year has highlighted this for me. I no longer have a contract with set work hours, annual leave quotas or sick leave and carers leave allowances. So I find I am in need of a new balance, one that I have to create myself. 

Knowing the ideal isn’t easy, but we can recognise when we are veering off course;

• The feeling of being ‘stressed’ doesn’t lessen after a stressful event has passed. 
• We feel frazzled, short-tempered, tired. 
• Our good routines around sleep, food and exercise go out the window. 
• We lose our ‘mojo’ and the fun seems to have seeped out of life. 

When you start to feel like this, getting through the essentials of life is all you have energy for. Keeping all your balls in the air becomes harder and harder!

What Works For You? Finding Your Equilibrium

When you don’t have a good work-life balance, it can feel like one area of life is taking over the other. It becomes overwhelming trying to meet all the roles we, and others, expect of us. The downtime we allow ourselves for relaxation and fun are often the first casualties. 

It’s more complicated than ‘work’ and ‘life’ though. We fulfil many roles inside and outside of work. We are parent, partner, carer, volunteer, friend, manager, employee, mentor, colleague. And then there is time for hobbies, keeping healthy or simply doing nothing, just ‘being’.

Balance is about getting this mix right for you. 

Do A Life Balance Inventory

Spend some time thinking about what you have in your life and what’s missing. There are lots of tools on line you can use. They will help you reflect on how you are doing in the different areas of your life. Google ‘Life Pie Balance’ for some exercises to help you pin down the areas that are overwhelming you and the ones that aren’t getting enough time.

Think about all the roles you play. Which areas are important to you, which keep you well? What brings you happiness, what energises you and gives you purpose and meaning? If you are working on a project or life throws you a curve ball, you might have to put some of these areas on hold. But knowing what they are will make you more conscious of this and make some changes if you feel your wellbeing is starting to suffer.

Make Time For You Priorities 

The basics for all of us are pretty much the same; eat well, get enough sleep and do some gentle exercise. When it all feels too much, prioritise these, keeping that time as sacred as you can. Maybe commit to getting to bed at a good time or keeping one healthy activity going for yourself like a daily walk or a run. Remember this is basic self-care, it is not selfish to make this time for yourself. 

Notice what activities and people energise you most, the activities that fill you back up when you are running on empty. Is it time on your own, time to reflect, date nights, friends, a hobby? Notice how you feel after different activities. Once you get to know your own essentials, you will notice more easily when they are starting to slide. 

Boundaries 

With priorities established, you may need to set some boundaries. These might be external, with others, and internal, with yourself, because we can be our own downfall when it comes to balance. Be honest with yourself about this, who is it that is keeping you from the activities you know keep you well? 

If you are feeling exhausted by the end of the day, any motivation for positive self-care is tough. Watch for those easy, go to, addictive activities that sap time and energy. Be kind to yourself here, you may need some of this down time, but numbing activities are easy to get lost in, so if it is becoming ‘every night’ try setting yourself limits on screen time, wine time, etc.. 

Use a friend for accountability if that helps, but finding something you really do want to do instead is the best solution. So check if the activities you think you want to do really are the ones you need right now to support you. If you are struggling to exercise, is it the right exercise, at the right time of day? Would doing something with others make it more fun?

The best things for us may take some effort and are not always instantaneously rewarding. With things like eating well, volunteering or exercise, it can take time before you feel the benefits. Honing in on your real goals and why you want them can build the motivation you need.

Relationships

If it is external boundaries you need to work on then remember it is OK to say no! Think where you could delegate tasks or ask for help. Is there give and take in your relationships or does it feel more one-sided?

Of course, not all relationships are simple. Parental and caring responsibilities require a lot of give, but check you are getting the support you need. 

If you work with the public you may end the day in need of quiet time but if this is making you pull back from time with friends and family then look at how you can get more balance. We are social animals and time to connect with others is important. Time with family or with a group doing something you enjoy, with people who share your interests or passions are great ways to get grounded and feel more like you again. 

Stay Flexible

As you put boundaries in place for yourself you may need to be more protective of a daily routine for a while but try not to set yourself a strict regime or it can quickly become another to-do list. Check-in with yourself, ask ‘what do I need today?’ You won’t always be achieving your desired balance and that’s okay. Remember, be kind to yourself.

Read more about Tracy Bevan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Emotional, mental and physical effort sap our energy and need replenishing in different ways.

We know the post-workout tiredness of physical effort and the brain fog after the mental effort of a long training course but what is emotional effort?

Emotional Effort

Study of emotional effort, or ‘emotional labour’ (Hochschild, 1983) began in those public-facing work roles, where you might need to hold back and manage your own emotions in order to present a calm or neutral front.

It happens outside the workplace too, wherever one person is meeting the needs of another emotional effort is at play. Managing your family, and supporting friends; these things take an emotional toll that we don’t always account for.

But What If It’s My Job?

In caring roles or emergency services, being a stable, calm and resilient presence for a distressed member of the public can be rewarding work. And at home, supporting our children as they learn to negotiate life is a crucial part of parenting.

Suppressing your own needs and emotions is fine for a limited time, as long as we recognise it, understand why we are doing it and take time afterwards to decompress. We need to replenish this part of us or we can end up in emotional burnout or compassion fatigue.

Emotional Recovery

Emotional recovery is about reconnecting with yourself after emotional effort. Nothing too complicated but if we don’t notice our efforts we can miss our mounting emotional exhaustion (Van Dijk & Brown, 2006).

Emotional effort can often result in physical tiredness or physical symptoms too which can make it so much harder to take care of yourself if you try and push through without giving yourself time to recover.

So as we go about our everyday activities; work, listening to friends, helping the kids, visiting parents, or the effort we put into getting a project we are emotionally invested in off the ground, remember what you are drawing on.

Tasks Outside of Our Core Strengths or Values

When we do things out of our comfort zone we are also exerting more emotional effort. Things like leadership, networking, managing staff, planning or perseverance – if they aren’t our key strengths they will take more energy. They get easier as your skill increases, but if tasks don’t sit well with your values that discomfort may never ease and will take its toll.

This kind of dissonance can’t always be avoided, so remember to take extra care if you are in this position. Knowing what your values are will help you understand why some things leave you feeling uncomfortable and exhausted and can support you in managing the situation.

Self-awareness is key.

Keeping an Emotional Inventory

To support yourself you need to know the activities and people you find draining. Think of a fuel tank that needs watching so you don’t run out of petrol. Which tasks take more energy? Who, what and where helps you refuel?

Exhaustion can show in many ways;

• Practical – missing deadlines, lacking motivation,
• Physical – poor eating habits, illness, tiredness that doesn’t lift after a good sleep,
• Social – changed habits; not going out or going out all the time,
• Psychological – crying easily, not focusing, irritable, detached, tired but can’t sleep,
• Emotional – feeling hopeless, wanting to escape, finding it hard to care for others.

It doesn’t mean you need to cut out the people or jobs that drain you, it is about being aware of the toll they take and sharing the load or giving yourself the downtime afterwards.

What can help you recover?

• Check where you are with your wellbeing basics; sleep, food and gentle exercise.
• Make rest a priority. This is more than just sleep, it is relaxing, breathing, staying in the present, not being dragged into worries for tomorrow.
• Set boundaries with your time, your thoughts and with the people who need you.
• Honour those boundaries!
• Try doing a Circles of Influence, Concern and Control¹ exercise to help you focus on the things you can control.
• Do something creative, something that takes you out of yourself and reminds you you are more than your job or a parent or a carer.
• Take time for yourself, especially if you are an introvert who works with people.
• Consider how you give emotional effort. Try practising compassionate support rather than overidentifying and getting lost in empathy for the other.
• Spend time with the people who build you up. Work out who they are. If you don’t have anyone you can talk to in your own life then find a professional.
• Let yourself be looked after.

Your inventory might make you realise that things need to change, but giving yourself the chance to talk and rest might be enough; recognising your effort and the value you get from helping someone.

Acknowledge that value. Caring is often invisible but it matters.

Don’t wait until you are worn out, practice a nightly inventory. Focus on what you brought to the day, what bits were tough. Don’t judge yourself by other people’s standards, what’s easy for them may be hard for you.

Put yourself first when you need to because you are just as important.

Conclusion

Emotional effort is a vital part of our humanity. We don’t want to avoid it, only recognise, acknowledge and account for it. You wouldn’t run a marathon and expect your body to do it all over the next day. So don’t treat your emotional resources as a bottomless well. Don’t feel you just need to try more or work harder.

Keeping ourselves healthy is so much easier than recovery so be kind to yourself and step in to offer yourself care when it is needed. Honouring your emotional resources and how you use them to support others.

Listen to the audio version of this article

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References

1. Understanding the Circles of Influence, Concern, and Control (positivepsychology.com)

Hochschild, A. (1983). 1983 The managed heart. Berkeley: University of California Press.

Van Dijk, P. A., & Brown, A. K. (2006). Emotional labour and negative job outcomes: An evaluation of the mediating role of emotional dissonance. Journal of Management & Organization, 12(2), 101-115.

Little Boy Window Waiting – Free photo on Pixabay – Pixabay

Read more about Tracy Bevan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Listen to the audio version of this article

Life Is For Living Not For Hacking

Quick fixes and concepts broken down to three basic steps is the bread and butter of social media and the self-help industry but when something is stripped to the bone the meat is quickly lost.

Positive emotions are subtle and hard to grasp. When we push towards them they bob away from us like an inflatable ball on the water. When we actively strive for happiness it can, ironically, move further out of reach because we focus so much on what we lack that it becomes even more front and centre to us.

What Gives Meaning and Purpose Is As Individual As We Are

Happiness is not a one size fits all commodity. Yes, there are generalities like ‘getting outdoors will boost endorphins’. Most of us will derive some benefit from being out in nature, but the greater magic lies in our personal preferences; the way we, as individuals, most enjoy experiencing the outdoors.

For some, feel good vibes will be best taken from a restful afternoon reading in the garden, another will want the thrill of hanging from a rockface, and there are a myriad of options in between.

Knowing your signature strengths1 can help with understanding the best way to maximise the benefits of being in nature for you. If Appreciation of Nature and Excellence floats your boat, then just getting out there will be great. But if you have Zest high in your profile then outdoor adventure sport would boost the effect. If you are high in Social Intelligence then a walk with friends would maximise benefits, especially if you are working from home and lacking interaction elsewhere in your day.

You Don’t Have To Be Grateful Everyday

My advice is don’t seek off the shelf solutions. They will only make you feel bad if they don’t work.

Take gratitude for example. Practicing gratitude is another common way we are advised to increase our happiness and yes, it is a fantastic way to be more satisfied with life. Grateful people, those who are naturally high in that strength, have a head start with being happy, optimistic souls. But if, like me, you struggle with it, please don’t be hard on yourself.

Gratitude is low in my Strengths profile and although I can (and do) work on building it, I have found that this is best done when I am already feeling OK about life. It’s like accumulating savings in your bank once you have got yourself in credit! When you are feeling in deficit in life, focus on your own key strengths first.

I tried a gratitude journal and the ‘three grateful things’2 exercise years ago and became bored and frustrated. Once I knew more about positive psychology and discovered my signature strengths I tried doing the ‘three funny things’3 exercise instead and this had way more impact because humour is my lead strength. It energises me to see the silliness in things, it helps me value my quirky brain. Simply put, making myself and others smile is good for my soul.

We Are Made For Stress

See positive psychology is not about being happy. Don’t get me wrong, happiness comes in to it, but it is more of a wonderful side product.

The reality is that stressful and sad things will happen. Yes, they are difficult but they are also a part of life, to fight against that only causes further unhappiness as we deny the reality of our situation. No one wants bad things to happen, but by rejecting them with thoughts like ‘this shouldn’t’ be happening to me’ or ‘It’s not fair’ we only add another layer of judgement. It increases the negative impact of the situation and the feelings will often stick around longer too.

What’s more, a negative event is often the instigator from which we create meaning and purpose. It is often these difficult experiences that push us forward and promote our emotional and spiritual development.

A Final Take Away

When we look back over our lives, it is often the hardships that have played a large part in who we have become. When we take meaning from our negative experiences we can find purpose too, by using our hard won wisdom to support ourselves and others to thrive. This is where we can truly start to flourish. And sometimes that will make us happy too.

References

1. Go to https://www.viacharacter.org/ to take the test and discover your signature strengths

2. You can read about this exercise here Identify ‘Three Good Things’ daily to boost happiness – UCHealth Today

3. You can read about this exercise here Three Funny Things | Practice | Greater Good in Action (berkeley.edu)

Image: Ball Beach Happy – Free photo on Pixabay – Pixabay

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