I know, not what you might expect from a positive psychologist but sometimes we need to step back to get a broader perspective. Whilst I love that the science of wellbeing has become increasingly mainstream, this does leave it at risk of over-simplification which can easily sink into generic concepts that don’t help, or worse, might have a negative impact.
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Life Is For Living Not For Hacking
Quick fixes and concepts broken down to three basic steps is the bread and butter of social media and the self-help industry but when something is stripped to the bone the meat is quickly lost.
Positive emotions are subtle and hard to grasp. When we push towards them they bob away from us like an inflatable ball on the water. When we actively strive for happiness it can, ironically, move further out of reach because we focus so much on what we lack that it becomes even more front and centre to us.
What Gives Meaning and Purpose Is As Individual As We Are
Happiness is not a one size fits all commodity. Yes, there are generalities like ‘getting outdoors will boost endorphins’. Most of us will derive some benefit from being out in nature, but the greater magic lies in our personal preferences; the way we, as individuals, most enjoy experiencing the outdoors.
For some, feel good vibes will be best taken from a restful afternoon reading in the garden, another will want the thrill of hanging from a rockface, and there are a myriad of options in between.
Knowing your signature strengths1 can help with understanding the best way to maximise the benefits of being in nature for you. If Appreciation of Nature and Excellence floats your boat, then just getting out there will be great. But if you have Zest high in your profile then outdoor adventure sport would boost the effect. If you are high in Social Intelligence then a walk with friends would maximise benefits, especially if you are working from home and lacking interaction elsewhere in your day.
You Don’t Have To Be Grateful Everyday
My advice is don’t seek off the shelf solutions. They will only make you feel bad if they don’t work.
Take gratitude for example. Practicing gratitude is another common way we are advised to increase our happiness and yes, it is a fantastic way to be more satisfied with life. Grateful people, those who are naturally high in that strength, have a head start with being happy, optimistic souls. But if, like me, you struggle with it, please don’t be hard on yourself.
Gratitude is low in my Strengths profile and although I can (and do) work on building it, I have found that this is best done when I am already feeling OK about life. It’s like accumulating savings in your bank once you have got yourself in credit! When you are feeling in deficit in life, focus on your own key strengths first.
I tried a gratitude journal and the ‘three grateful things’2 exercise years ago and became bored and frustrated. Once I knew more about positive psychology and discovered my signature strengths I tried doing the ‘three funny things’3 exercise instead and this had way more impact because humour is my lead strength. It energises me to see the silliness in things, it helps me value my quirky brain. Simply put, making myself and others smile is good for my soul.
We Are Made For Stress
See positive psychology is not about being happy. Don’t get me wrong, happiness comes in to it, but it is more of a wonderful side product.
The reality is that stressful and sad things will happen. Yes, they are difficult but they are also a part of life, to fight against that only causes further unhappiness as we deny the reality of our situation. No one wants bad things to happen, but by rejecting them with thoughts like ‘this shouldn’t’ be happening to me’ or ‘It’s not fair’ we only add another layer of judgement. It increases the negative impact of the situation and the feelings will often stick around longer too.
What’s more, a negative event is often the instigator from which we create meaning and purpose. It is often these difficult experiences that push us forward and promote our emotional and spiritual development.
A Final Take Away
When we look back over our lives, it is often the hardships that have played a large part in who we have become. When we take meaning from our negative experiences we can find purpose too, by using our hard won wisdom to support ourselves and others to thrive. This is where we can truly start to flourish. And sometimes that will make us happy too.
References
1. Go to https://www.viacharacter.org/ to take the test and discover your signature strengths
2. You can read about this exercise here Identify ‘Three Good Things’ daily to boost happiness – UCHealth Today
3. You can read about this exercise here Three Funny Things | Practice | Greater Good in Action (berkeley.edu)
Image: Ball Beach Happy – Free photo on Pixabay – Pixabay