Can we define kind?

Although kindness is valued across cultures and religious traditions it is not that easy to define. It is considered a strength in the VIA taxonomy, part of the virtue of humanity and the term is often used interchangeably with that of altruism or prosociality. A kind act is considered to be one that has a perceived benefit for the receiver of the act usually coupled with a perceived cost for the actor. Both greater benefits and greater costs tend to mean acts are rated as “kinder”. Kindness as a trait or characteristic is seen as the tendency to frequently and reliably perform kind acts. As you can see there is a lot of potential interpretation going on in these definitions. How are costs and benefits evaluated and by whom? How can you really know the intention of the actor and does this matter? How often constitutes frequently/reliably? Does context and culture make a difference? At an individual level kindness could be considered as performing acts intended to benefit others, but we all know how our good intentions can sometimes backfire. Are these acts kind or not? Is intention or outcome more important? You might also ask how kindness relates to my favourite topic of compassion. There is a lot of overlap. However, compassion necessitates awareness of suffering in another and the motivation to respond by action. It is possible to be kind to anyone regardless of whether they are suffering or not.

Evolution and kindness

Why are we kind? Researchers have looked at the role of evolution in selecting kindness traits. Humans are a social species and our survival and development has relied on us being able to co-operate and function in groups. Therefore certain types of kindness evidenced in the research literature can be understood in terms of the benefits they bring for survival and reproduction:

• Kin altruism: We are more likely to be kind to those related to us as this increases the likelihood of our genes being passed on.
• Mutualism: People are more likely to be kind to those in their groups and communities as such cooperation promotes group protection, loyalty and commitment (sometimes at the expense of other groups).
• Reciprocal altruism: People tend to be kind to those who might be in the position to return the favour hence improving survival or status chances for the future.
• Competitive altruism: Kind acts which impress others and enhance social status or make the actor more attractive to potential mates also confer a survival advantage.

Altruistic or kind behaviour has subsequently become embedded in social, cultural and spiritual norms as desirable and is thus shaped and reinforced by these systems to the extent and in the ways it is valued.

What is the impact of kindness?

Kindness is a popular topic in PP due to the research suggesting that prosocial behaviour has benefits for the actor as well as the recipient of kindness. A range of research has suggested that acting kindly is associated with increased happiness, decreased stress and mental ill health, improved immunity, reduced blood pressure and other positive health markers. The idea of carrying out random acts of kindness as an intervention to address a range of social problems has been somewhat oversold in “pop psychology”. Much of the research is based on correlational studies which don’t help us understand the causal relationship between kindness and its health effects. However, recent reviews suggest there is a genuine small to moderate impact on the wellbeing of the actor in cross-sectional, longitudinal, experience sampling, diary and experimental studies of kindness behaviour (Curry et al. 2018, Hui et al. 2020). As is often the case with psychological studies, problems with research methodology limit what we can meaningfully say about kindness in terms of helpful detail and thus masks our understanding of when, how and for whom kindness-based interventions might be the most useful.

What does seem to be emerging is that kindness activities (Curry et al. 2018, Hui et al. 2020);

• Are related to positive psychological functioning for the actor more strongly than effects on mental ill health or physical health markers.
• Have a greater impact on eudaimonic than hedonic wellbeing.
• Show stronger impacts when helping is informal (or mixed) rather than formal. This, however, could be an artefact of sustainable happiness factors, whereby regular volunteers adapt to their ongoing helping behaviour and no longer experience some or all of the benefits (see below). Perhaps this begs the question, what can charities and voluntary organisations do to counteract this effect?
• May vary in their impacts depending on demographic factors such as; 1. Age: Younger people report more psychological impact and older people more physical health effects. This could be due to certain types of well-being being valued or noticed more at different ages. 2. Gender: Being female was associated with increased benefits, which could relate to values around gender stereotypes. Some studies show different results on these factors.
• May have differential effects depending on intention. Helping others rather than engaging in kindness activities to promote one’s own wellbeing was associated with greater influences on outcomes in some studies. Social and cultural factors are likely to influence this. More work needs to be done to understand these effects (Shin et al. 2020).
• May lead to differential effects for the actor depending on context including who the recipient of the kindness is.
• Are not well understood in terms of their long-term effects.
• Have a reciprocal interaction effect with wellbeing. Kindness leads to greater wellbeing, which increases the tendency to be kind. When the impact of (successful) kindness on the recipient of the kind act is also considered, this constitutes a potentially powerful upward spiral effect.

How might kindness promote wellbeing?

How might being kind lead to improved wellbeing effects? Possible suggestions are:

• Kindness can lead to a boost of positive emotions which, in line with the Broaden and Build Theory (Fredrickson 2004), promotes widened attention, increased openness, improved creativity, problem-solving, psychological perspective and flexibility. These in turn build downstream resilience resources.
• Kindness increases a sense of connection and relatedness and promotes social bonds and integration. Strengthening social bonds increases our access to resources to support our wellbeing in an ongoing way.
• Kindness may influence how others see us in a positive way. It is considered one of the most desirable qualities in a partner. This feeds into relationship building.
• Mediated by the above kindness signals increased safety and reduced threat resulting in a positive impact on physiological markers of stress.
• Kindness promotes a sense of meaning, purpose and authenticity in life which are independently associated with wellbeing. This could operate even if a kindness act backfires as long as the actor feels connected to their values despite the outcome.
• Kindness promotes a sense of perceived competence in oneself and improved confidence and self-evaluation. Our kind actions may also enhance a sense of agency and environmental mastery.
• Kindness helps widen our perspective and focuses us on others rather than ourselves thus decreasing the potential impact of our own issues.
• Kindness promotes upward spirals as described, resulting in positive ripples across groups and communities. A small action can have a big impact at a wider level.

The bigger picture

The pay it forward or ripple effect of kindness is perhaps the most important factor which can impact wellbeing not just at an individual but a societal level. This is why the news from the world happiness report gives me hope and brings me back to the question of evolution.

I would argue that there is a potentially more important, higher level of abstraction to the evolutionary considerations discussed above; radical connectedness. My understanding of this is “I can’t truly be well if the other people, species and ecosystems of the planet that I am inextricably linked to, are not also OK”. Unless we are able to get our head around this idea, I fear humans may become an example of extinction due to a lack of adaptability and our tendency to destroy our own habitat in the service of individualistic advancement. We have learnt to cooperate to live in groups and to dominate the earth as a species, perhaps we now need to learn to expand our concept of kindness and cooperation to another level? Small acts of kindness can potentially have far-reaching effects. How can you be kind today? If you need some inspiration search Youtube or check out https://www.randomactsofkindness.org/

References

Curry, O. S., Rowland, L. A., Van Lissa, C. J., Zlotowitz, S., McAlaney, J., & Whitehouse, H. (2018). Happy to help? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the effects of performing acts of kindness on the well-being of the actor. Journal of Experimental Social Psychology, 76, 320–329. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.jesp.2018.02.014

Fredrickson, B. L. (2004). The broaden–and–build theory of positive emotions. Philosophical transactions of the royal society of London. Series B: Biological Sciences, 359(1449), 1367-1377.

Hui, B. P. H., Ng, J. C. K., Berzaghi, E., Cunningham-Amos, L. A., & Kogan, A. (2020). Rewards of kindness? A meta-analysis of the link between prosociality and well-being. Psychological Bulletin, 146(12), 1084–1116. https://doi.org/10.1037/bul0000298

Shin ,L.J, Layous ,K., Choi ,I.,Na, S. & Lyubomirsky, S. (2020)  Good for self or good for others? The well-being benefits of kindness in two cultures depend on how the kindness is framed, The Journal of Positive Psychology, 15,6, 795-805, DOI: 10.1080/17439760.2019.1651894

Read more about Sarah Monk and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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As an associate lecturer at Buckinghamshire New University one of my favourite parts of the job is marking one of the first assignments on the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology course. Students are instructed to choose a topic from within Positive Psychology related to Happiness and wellbeing, and then to investigate that subject by trying out one or more positive psychology interventions on themselves over the course of 5-6 weeks. In their marked assignment, they write about what they did and what they found, relating their experiences back to existing theories.

It’s always fascinating to see the variety of subjects picked by different students and also heart-warming to read about their positive experiences and what they have learnt during the process.  Students might choose to write gratitude diaries, try meditation, wean themselves off social media, take walks in nature – or any of a number of different activities that have been shown to increase happiness and wellbeing when consciously practised. One of the topics that regularly comes up is practising Kindness to others.

Being kind to others makes us happy

There is plenty of research in Positive Psychology literature about how being kind to others makes us happy. When we do something for another person, seeing or imagining their reaction can really give us a buzz, we feel good about ourselves and more connected to others, in addition to the benefit experienced by the other person. In one piece of research, participants were given a small sum of money (about £5 -£10) and told to spend it on a treat. Half the participants were told to treat themselves, and the other half were told to use the money to treat another. Researchers found that the group who spent money on others rated their enjoyment higher than the group who were told to treat themselves.

Reading our students’ assignments about kindness, it’s always interesting to hear about their creative approaches. Flowers have been bought and left anonymously for strangers, cups of coffee paid for the next person in the coffee shop queue, money donated to charity, and food given to homeless people. Students report back that they enjoyed helping others and felt happier as a result. It might seem obvious that being kind to a friend or colleague could strengthen a friendship and have a positive effect, but helping strangers can also beneficial to both parties, creating a sense of connection and shared humanity. Being kind to others makes us feel good.

Maximising the happiness effects of kindness

One of the lovely things about kindness is that it is catching! So in an experiment where someone left money at a coffee shop to pay for a drink for the next person, that person chose to pass that gift on – and so did the next – the gift and the feel-good factor of both receiving and giving a gift passed right down the line.  Again, this makes sense, if someone is kind to us, we feel better about the world in general and are more likely to pass on kindness to others.

Research also shows that like anything else we do regularly that makes us happy, the positive effect may become muted after a while – an effect that is called hedonic adaptation. So to keep up the positive effect, we need to mix it up, be creative and try something different or keep it fresh in some way. Research has shown that rather than deciding to do something every day, it might be better to focus your efforts once a week, performing several acts of kindness in one day for a maximum happiness-boosting effect.

Are there any downsides to kindness?

One of the downsides of kindness is that because it makes us feel good, it can be easy to lose sight of whether we really are benefitting the recipient of our kindness, and it can potentially backfire.

Two factors that are important for our psychological wellbeing are a sense of autonomy (the ability to make our own choices) and environmental mastery (having control over our environment). If we do something that undermines another’s sense of autonomy or control over their environment, then we aren’t being as helpful as we think.

For example, if someone is physically struggling to do something (maybe due to old age or some other health condition) it’s easy to jump in and do it for them – but maybe it is more psychologically beneficial for them to be able to do it themselves? So it’s always prudent to ask if help is required, not just jump in and take over. This can be really tough if our idea of what is good for them is different to theirs – my fiercely independent father-in-law lived for years on his own, struggling to cope, but resisted almost all efforts from his family to help, apart from on his terms. Our kindness to him was to try to help as much as possible whilst respecting his wishes to live a life that we wouldn’t choose for him. When pushing him to accept help, we had to ask ourselves – is this really what he wants, or are we pushing this because it would make us feel better? To do the best for someone else, it’s important to be aware of our own motivations – are we trying to help them, or change a situation that we find distressing for us?

Another downside – expecting a ‘thankyou’ and the problem of indebtedness

Another potential downside of being kind to someone else is the expectation that they will feel grateful for our help, and if they don’t respond as we expect, it can lead to resentment for what we have done for them.  If this happens, this may be a pointer to the fact that we are being more motivated by how we feel than the benefit to them and we may have misjudged their real needs. So again, we have to be honest with ourselves. Are we really giving a gift, with no expectations apart from the warm feeling that we have helped, or are we expecting something in return – loyalty, a ‘thank you’, or a return favour.  This isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with those warm pro-social feelings when we are kind,  we don’t have to suffer to do good, we just have to give it a bit of thought.

There are also cultural differences in the giving and receiving of favours, in some cultures saying ‘thankyou’ may not be the appropriate response, or doing something for someone else might create a feeling of indebtedness, so we need to be aware of those differences too. Even within a Western culture, there is also the potential problem of indebtedness, if the recipient feels that they ‘owe’ you something in exchange for what you have done for them. In an ideal world, the kindness bestowed will come with no strings attached, so any feeling of a debt needing to be repaid is more likely to be focussed on ‘paying it forward’ and extending the chain of kindness, as in the example of the free coffee already mentioned.

The problem of being led by our hearts and not our heads

When donating money or time, we are often led by our hearts, choosing causes that have personal meaning to us, such as medical charities that support research in an illness that has affected a loved one, or a charity close to home. There are lots of worthwhile charities that we could support, but also take a moment to consider which are the causes where your money can be used to best effect. I am a long-time supporter of Oxfam and other charities working in the developing world because it seems to me that where basic needs are unmet, a small amount of money can go a long way to improve people’s lives, so my money is best spent in that way. I’m not saying don’t support your favourite charity close to home, it’s great to be involved in a local cause with a sense of community, but also think about the impact that you have, check that your chosen charity spends money well, and consider stretching your compassion to people that are further away, or you might not so easily relate to.

Maximising the benefits of kindness – moving on to true compassion

The world would undoubtedly be a better place if we were all a little kinder to one another, but for the maximum benefit for both parties, we need to use our brains as well as our hearts. Before you act, consider the following:

• Kindness doesn’t need to be a big, expensive gesture, that expects a big response. Smile at someone. Listen to them. Don’t judge people, instead, try to understand why they are saying or doing whatever it is that you don’t agree with.
• Before you do something for someone, consider their point of view. Do they want help? Ask if help is wanted before you jump in – sometimes the offer of help is the kindest part, knowing that someone would help us, even if we want to do something ourselves.
• The best kindness has no strings attached. So offer kindness freely – don’t expect a “Thankyou”, but appreciate it if you get one.
• Don’t bankrupt your kindness store. You don’t have to suffer to be kind. Generally speaking, being kind will make you feel happy and replenish that store of goodwill. But you also need to be kind to yourself and recognise your needs, so don’t stretch yourself beyond what you can freely give, practically or psychologically.
• Use your brain and not just your heart when choosing causes to support. Helping with a local cause can make you feel part of the local community, but supporting international charities might be more cost-effective and make you feel part of a wider community too. Ideally, do both!

How our actions influence others

One last point about kindness: Don’t feel that you have to hide your light under a bushel. It’s sometimes seen as bragging to talk about the good things that we have done, and there is a (false) narrative that says to be truly altruistic we have to do good without benefit to ourselves, but if my donation to Oxfam helps provide water in a refugee camp, I don’t suppose the refugees care about my motives when I donated. So whether you want to brag or not, you should also be aware that seeing or hearing about your positive actions can influence others to make changes too, so share your successes (maybe in a humble way) to inspire others for maximum benefit in the world.

Podcast

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Miller et al.’s (2010) study looked at the concepts of vulnerability and resilience and found that rather than being separate, there were many ways in which these concepts overlap. Those who are truly resilient are able to live in harmony with life, acknowledging their human frailty and embracing it, rather than storing an ever-growing burden of sadness, disappointment and anger. Resilient individuals learn to self-protect where necessary but remain open-hearted. So how can we retain our equilibrium and strength, bounce back from difficulties yet simultaneously stay open to life and all of its gifts?

Mentally tough, yet emotionally flexible

If we continually respond to life as though we are under extreme threat, we will eventually reach overload point, which affects both physical and mental health. Yet being able to overcome fear and self-doubt, staying soft while building our character strengths through self-development and working to achieve goals, may protect us against depression and anxiety and build resilience. Life is a constant series of ups and downs and a degree of stress is both unavoidable yet arguably useful, as a way of equipping us with the motivation to manage life’s challenges. However, the way we respond to life can make the difference between resilience and burnout.

Loving-kindness to open our hearts

Keeping our hearts open while managing the tough stuff can be a challenge, but we can learn to expand into life, rather than shrink from it when things are difficult. One of the simplest ways of learning to open our heart is through practicing loving-kindness. Barbara Fredrickson’s (2013) book, Love 2.0, is easy to read and offers exercises encouraging us to love, to stay connected, build compassion, firstly for ourselves and then for others. The benefits of this practice are manifold. Fredrickson describes love as our supreme emotion, as a means of encouraging our sense of connectedness to others. It is this connectedness, a sense of being part of the bigger picture, that can help us cultivate empathy, increase positive feelings and enable us to be OK with acknowledging our vulnerability whist also living with compassion, curiosity and openness.

Changing our focus with love

Even for a few minutes a day, focusing on offering ourselves loving-kindness can change the way we think and encourage us to soften and become excited about life, even when we might have challenges to manage. Once we can start to focus outwards, offering thought of loving-kindness to others, to the person we meet in the street, to our neighbours, our communities and as far as we want to reach, we develop a constant sense of open-heartedness. Our humanity is expressed through our ability to experience a multitude of emotions and our strength does not come from being brittle and hard, but from yielding to the flow of life’s ups and downs. Like many other species in nature, we can be both soft and strong.

References

Fredrickson, B. (2013). Love 2.0: How our supreme emotion affects everything we feel, think, do, and become. Avery.

Miller, F., Osbahr, H., Boyd, E., Thomalla, F., Bharwani, S., Ziervogel, G., … & Hinkel, J. (2010). Resilience and vulnerability: complementary or conflicting concepts?. Ecology and Society, 15(3).

About the author: Monique Zahavi

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Lately, with my new found self-reflection skill learned on the MAPP course, I am slowly beginning to understand the pros and cons of living a life with a ‘everything is a challenge’ mentality. Whilst the ability to tackle challenges is sometimes a blessing in disguise, helping me through many pressure-filled periods of time it is ultimately not conducive to my happiness and life satisfaction. It is instead a symptom of a low level of self-acceptance that is now becoming obvious to me in that by taking on constant challenges I am in a cycle of constantly demonstrating my worth to myself and others.

Cultivating self-acc’Wea eptance over self-improvement

‘We As I did, many people can fall into the trap of thinking they have a good level of self-acceptance when in reality what they are doing is self-improvement. There’s nothing wrong in wanting to improve oneself but living a life on beliefs such as ‘when I achieve this I will be happy’ or ‘when this happens I will be happy’ are aimed at feeling good enough in the future and are not self-acceptance. As long as we are focusing on improving ourselves in this way we can never reach true life satisfaction due to the dependency on external goals. In order to feel good enough in the present rather than hoping for it at some point in the future we must start by increasing self-acceptance for who we are now. In that way self-improvement becomes what it should be, a journey of personal growth rather than an exercise in proving our worth to ourselves and the world.

Increasing self-acceptance through kindness

I am a huge fan of kindness in life and one particular tool I’ve been learning to use to help increase my self-acceptance is self-compassion, in other words, learning to be kind to myself. Dr Kristin Neff describes self-compassion as being a tool that changes the way we relate to ourselves, therefore something which can cultivate self-acceptance. Research is finding that people who are strong in self-compassion are more protected from depression and anxiety, are less self-critical and can lead happier lives. By talking to yourself as you would a talk to a friend, by pardoning yourself for past situations you assumed were all your fault, by reflecting on how you take care of yourself and your needs you begin to act in a self-compassionate way.

Ultimately, self-compassion is achieved by simply understanding that regardless of whether we feel good or bad, we deserve to treat ourselves with wholehearted compassionate kindness in the same way we would treat others. Safety procedures on an aeroplane state you should reach for your own oxygen mask first before helping others so why do so many of us struggle with being kind to ourselves? Even by taking baby steps and starting with something as small as going for a walk to clear your mind at the end of the day, by resting when you need to and through trying to figure out how to better take care of yourself increasing your self-acceptance is possible.

In increasing my levels of self-compassion I am finding interesting changes taking place. I am starting to increase my focus on self-care, slow down and acknowledge my day to day achievements. The daily gratitude journaling I once struggled with is now an instinctive natural part of my day, when I hear myself being self-critical I am beginning to challenge such thoughts and use encouraging words to remind myself that nobody’s perfect and we are all trying to do our best.

I now look after myself in a better way and am beginning to treat myself as someone important in my life, because let’s face it we are all important. Slowly but surely I can feel my levels of self-acceptance rising and with that my instinctive need to constantly fight challenges to prove my worth is finally easing away.

Kindness for myself, as well for others is definitely the way forward.

About the author: Emma Willmer

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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An example of this was the lady who joined a fitness group because she felt she was a little overweight and unfit so needed a way to regain her vigour. However, after a few months her reasons for being in the group had changed. Whilst she was feeling a lot fitter and healthier her motivation for being in the group had changed completely to someone who wanted to help others achieve their goal.

Book of Joy

I recently bought a copy of the “Book of Joy” which chronicled a meeting between the Archbishop Tutu and His Holiness Dalai Lama. Although from different cultural backgrounds they both agreed on a number of things. The first was the concept of Joy. They described this as the ultimate form of happiness where life was lived at its absolute best. They also both agreed that this could only be accomplished through kindness and compassion to others.

They argued quite strongly that what we often consider as providing us happiness through material gain actually causes suffering though anxiety and reclusiveness. They provide examples of people who have amassed great wealth only to live quite miserable lives. In contrast they talk about examples of people who have very little but lead interesting and satisfying lives by practicing kindness and compassion.

My study seemed to back this up. I can’t recall anyone I spoke to talk about material wealth or status. The main emphasis was on how they related to others. Being around people and helping people through any particular issue they were having seemed to motivate them to do more within the group. They were quite proud of the fact that there was a very diverse mix within the groups and people could mix freely and enjoy each other’s company.

My dissertation

I decided to look back at the transcripts of my interviews for my dissertation and discovered just how much I had missed. There seemed to be a very strong emphasis on kindness ad furthermore the happier an individual claimed to be the more they talked about their kind acts. One of the reasons I didn’t pick this up is that it didn’t come across as a boast it just seemed perfectly natural to them.

Some of the comments I got were; “If someone was nervous about joining the group, I would go outside to meet them”, “We would all help a new member who seemed to be struggling”, “ It was a real thrill to see someone I introduced to the group, starting to host events”.

Kindness just seemed to come naturally, it wasn’t forced, there wasn’t a procedure to follow they just performed kind acts.

Where do we go from here?

The study I did was not based around kindness and such a small sample of people cannot be used as evidence to back up my claims. However, there is growing evidence to support the notion that kindness does improve our overall well-being. Evidence suggests that being kind helps our immune system, increases our levels of Oxytocin, helps pain reduction and even helps us to live longer. According to the Dalai Lama, kindness is our default nature, we function better when we are kind to others.

We currently live in a society that has growing problems of homelessness, child poverty, anxiety, and depression. If ever there was a time to study and practice kindness it surely has to be now. Kindness is in our nature, it’s natural for us to be kind, and best of all it makes us feel better.

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‘Be kind’ was one of the first messages or lessons taught to me growing up.

In fact, it was and remains one of the most important values taught to me as a small child.

When reflecting on my childhood, both at home and school, all around me were messages relating to the importance of being kind. I am guessing that is much the same for you.

So, if you, like me became aware of how important it is to be kind to others and how being unkind to someone would cause them a lot of pain, you are also hopefully, very skilled at ways of being kind…to others.

What about us?

But what we often did not get told was how to be kind to ourselves or why it even matters.  Without this lesson, or insight, out of our awareness there is a leaning to be self- critical and mean, without realising the impact this has on our mood and general well-being.

“Remember, you have been criticising yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving of yourself and see what happens.”  Louise L Hay

Why being self-critical is kindness in another way

We are so often drawn to explain our behaviour through the lenses of our personal histories, which can all too often lead to a loop of more criticism and not be helpful. When we are able to understand that, because our reptilian brain is wired to pay attention to threat, coupled with the fact we probably needed that more than kindness in the cave, we are still bound to pay more attention to what could harm us. Therefore, what we experience as a threat because of the emotional responses to past experiences, can get filed away in our amygdala in case met again, i.e. making a mistake in class, being laughed at and then feeling deep shame, so making a mistake becomes a remembered threat, in much the same way as a tiger.  I then keep have to myself safe, by avoiding anything that could incur a mistake.  So, the intention of the criticism is about being kind as it is supposed to keep us safe.

The big design glitch

The kindness of the criticism fails to work because the threat system that is activated has been designed to protect us against a physical threat… not a threat to our self and identity.

What’s the impact then?

We know that the being critical of others can lead to chronic stress, anxiety, depression, poor performance at work and have a profoundly negative impact on our health and well-being … being self-critical has the same effect.

What can we do?

Conversely, practising self-kindness leads to us feeling happier, being healthier, having great relationships, feeling safer and connected and when we respond to our mistakes and failures with kindness, we acknowledge them quicker, learn from them and move on with more resilience.

Most people I know would not put up with someone being so unkind them and would certainly not talk to someone else that way.

So, why do it to yourself?  Often, it’s because you aren’t aware of it.

Most of my clients, until they come and work with me, have little awareness of how they are talking to themselves let alone the effect it is having on their mood and behaviours.

The first step is therefore becoming more mindful and self-aware.

Remember that one of the ways we learnt to be kind to others when we were little, was to have it pointed out to us when we weren’t; when the other person looked sad or began to cry we became aware of the feedback we got and changed our behaviour.

In many ways, learning to do this for yourself is a simple route to practicing a kinder and more compassionate way of being.

How to be kinder to yourself today

My invitation to you just for today is to:

1.   Pay attention to how you are talking to yourself, are you being kind or critical and mean?

2.   How are you feeling?

3.   Pause and if you notice you are being critical and mean, ask yourself “would I talk to someone I loved in this way”?

4.   If you know you wouldn’t, then take a moment and talk to yourself in the same voice, tone and volume you would to someone you loved and were being kind to.

5.   Do this at very regular intervals throughout the day and notice how you feel when you are being kinder to yourself.

Often, I am told that one of the reasons for being self-critical is to improve performance, behaviour and achieve goals… and I would ask you to imagine what it would be like, when you know it is possible to motivate yourself with kindness instead…. just a thought.

About the author: Helen Golstein

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
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What this cartoon illustrated so well is just how our emotions are transferred. One act of rudeness or aggression can have a devastating effect as it’s passed along the chain. There have even been times in history where one solitary act of aggression has led to riots and even murder somewhere down the line. It’s believed that each act will go through three degrees of separation, so it will affect people that the aggressor has never met and who presumably has no quarrel with.

In modern times it doesn’t just stop there. With social media there is an opportunity to vent anger out publicly which can potentially be read by a thousand or more people, all getting angry at something they are witnessing.

So, can the same thing happen with kindness?

Passing on kindness

According to research, there is also a ripple effect with kindness, but the difference being that instead of spreading emotions such as fear and anger, these ripple effects spread emotions such as love and compassion. I’ve noticed it myself when watching a video showing a kindly act just how it makes me feel and how much it brightens my day.

Research has shown that people who witness kind acts are often motivated to perform a kind act themselves. A video showing an act of kindness towards a homeless man may well mean that a homeless man locally will get a good breakfast bought for him.

In this circumstance we can see a number of ripples starting to form. First of all, the person in the video receiving the gesture is likely to show kindness to the next person he comes in to contact with. What is interesting is research has shown that those witnessing the act are just as likely to show kindness to others too. This means those watching it on social media are likely to spread that kindness through sharing the video or going out to try and replicate that kind act. One simple act of kindness could affect hundreds if not thousands of people in the same way as an act of aggression or anger can do.

Can Kindness change the world?

There is a saying that the best way to change the world is one person at a time, which of course means talking to an awful lot of people. But if we can set the dominoes in motion by starting a ripple of kindness then that one person we affect will go on to affect others. Before long we have numerous ripples branching out in all directions.

These acts can be as simple as paying someone a compliment, allowing someone out in front of you when driving. Smiling or chatting to some who is having a bad day can in a moment totally change the dynamic. The best thing is all these gestures are free, and yet they can summon up all the happy chemicals they make us feel good about life.

So, when faced with a choice between being kind or oppressive, that choice can have far reaching consequences, far beyond the person who it is aimed at. That means every day, every one of us has a chance to influence our world and if enough people choose kindness then it could tip the balance away from a world of continual conflict to one of mutual co-operation. We all have that power within us.

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
8-week online Happiness Course

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What I want to say here is for those people who seem to be happy to make other people miserable: stop doing that. And, instead of judging them or trying to change the unhappy people, I will continue to focus on myself and my methods for being happy and for spreading happiness to others.

Why be kind? For this simple reason: Being kind feels good

Oh, and for another reason: It’s super easy.

I like to think of my experiences when I travel because I see so many people. Traveling to and from all over the world. Either solo or within a group. On a business trip or on a family vacation.

What I’ve observed in my hundreds of trips I’ve taken through the years (domestic and international trips) is that when I approach everyone and every situation with a smile and with excitement, I get positive vibes and treatment in return. I’m not saying that I am kind in order to get something in return The positivity and, many times, extra special treatment comes my way…simply because I was kind. I am never looking for a payback. I automatically get a payback with kindness and a smile. And, when I get a bonus of a special upgrade, an extra ounce of coffee, or someone else offering to put my carry-on in the overhead compartment, that’s just another example of people paying back in kindness.

Another positive thought to ponder

Am I having a positive experience because I exude positivity or am I exuding positivity because I am having a positive experience?

I think the answer is “Yes” to both. You see, happiness begets happiness. A smile begets a smile.

Oh, and it also helps that I love to travel! I love the excitement and newness of going to a new location. And, even if it’s someone I’ve been before, It’s always a new experience for me…New people…new event…And, afterall, no two days are ever exactly the same.

I love to observe people. I love the chance to strike up a conversation with someone I love the chance to help someone else or make someone’s day—whether by giving them a smile or helping them with their carry-on, or playing peek-a-book with their crying baby.

There’s a feeling of excitement an newness I et when I am about to embark on a new experience, challenge, or speaking engagement. I am ex cited about my life and the opportunities for fun, adventure, and meeting new people.

I can’t hide my excitement for life

And, hey…life’s meant to be enjoyed, right?Why suffer?
(And, why make others around you suffer?)

When I focus on positivity and potential, feelings of gratitude, hopefulness, and prosperous potential fill my heart.

I choose kindness, gratitude, and joy.

About the author: To find out more about Julie Ostrow, please click here.

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
8-week online Happiness Course

The post Try Kindness, It’s Fun appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

There is a mountain of research that outlines the benefits of performing acts of kindness. It improves our physical as well as our psychological health, so with anxiety and depression at an all-time high could kindness be the perfect antidote?

Escaping the depressing news cycle

Not long ago I found myself checking the BBC news website before I got out of bed in the morning. This is unusual for me and when I examined it more closely I realized that I was checking to make sure that the world hadn’t ended…. We seem to currently be in a situation where global political ‘leaders’ engage in ‘name calling’ with each other.

Remember the US, North Korean inflammatory “Rocket Man / You’re old and fat” episode? Or the seemingly constant bickering about whether we’re still friends with our European neighbours. Politicians continually undermine each other. On a daily basis. What kind of example is it for a leader to set? Is this really how we expected our chosen leaders to treat people? …Lacking isn’t it?

It’s not just the politicians either, leaders in the Corporate world are often equally inept with poor examples from the City and recently from charities too, with the very people who were paid to protect and take care of the vulnerable ending up taking advantage of them.

Is kindness perceived as weakness?

What happens when someone in power shows kindness? How are they perceived? Are they more likely to be taken advantage of?  Is it necessary to be unkind to achieve?

In organisations, leaders who practice self-awareness and managing their inner critic are able to create working environments where people can be their personal best. When people are relaxed and happier, they learn more effectively and are more resilient.  [1]

Former President Obama often spoke about treating others with kindness and respect. He is quoted as saying that “Kindness covers all of my political beliefs” [2] The Obama’s are now in talks with Netflix and considering producing shows that focus on ‘inspirational stories’. Bring it on. Let’s have some positive news for a change

 “Be the change you want to see in the world.”

I’m assuming that you don’t have the power or reach of a global politician, (if you do, all the better, this’ll work for you too!) I’m also assuming that being unkind isn’t what you wake up hoping to be on any given day, but how will being kind benefit you as the ‘provider’ of the kindness?

Why bother to be kind?

Acts of kindness accompanied by emotional warmth produce oxytocin in the brain which in turn reduces blood pressure and is consequently ‘Cardio-Protective’, so the health reasons are plentiful, but how amazing is it to be able to simply improve someone’s day? lift someone’s spirits as well as bringing yourself a little joy. We know that

kindness is cyclical – you are what you extend out to the world. Kindness is contagious – it gets passed on, it grows exponentially and it’s all positive. What’s not to love about that? What’s stopping you?

If it’s not knowing where to start here’s a list, and if you’re British and / or an introvert it’s a list of things that aren’t overly gushing, obvious, showy or extravagant.

Kindness acts to try (that aren’t too over-effusive!)

Here is my Top 10 list of ‘easily accessible’ acts of kindness that you might choose to incorporate into your day.

1.    Be kind to yourself – stop trying to be perfect- is a great place to start.

2.    Listen to someone ..really listen, not just nod and wait to speak.

3.    Give your unwanted clothes to charity.

4.    Pick up litter in your area

5.    Help a neighbour with their garden

6.    Pay someone a genuine compliment

7.    Volunteer

8.    Offer to take a photograph of a tourist

9.    Lend someone a great book

10  Chat to the checkout assistant …and really connect with them

Try anyone of them and see how it makes you feel. It’s very likely that you’ll feel more friendly, generous, considerate and inclusive. A simple act of kindness goes a long way. “By emphasizing empathy-positive norms, we may be able to leverage the power of social influence to combat apathy and conflict in new ways. And right now, when it comes to mending ideological divides and cultivating kindness, we need every strategy we can find” [3]

Let’s set the example for the politicians and leaders who’ve lost their way.

1.    Authentic Leadership Global. (Leadauthentic.com)

2.    https://www.realclearpolitics.com/video/2013/11/27/obama_kindness_covers_all_of_my_political_beliefs.html

3.    https://www.scientificamerican.com/article/kindness-contagion/ Jamil Zaki – Assistant Professor of Psychology at Stanford University

About the author: Janette Kirk-Willis is a Positive Psychology Coach and HR Consultant. She has coached in blue chip organisations for 25 years. She was recently a Wellbeing panel member at the ‘Women of the World Festival’ in her home city of Exeter. Positivelyflourishing.co

The post Be Kind – Feel Great! appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

So, what makes a random act of kindness so special and why is it good for us?

Kindness produces Serotonin

Serotonin is the chemical the brain produces to help regulate mood, social behaviour, appetite and digestion, sleep, memory and sexual desire and function. Basically, a RAOK makes you simply feel good, it boosts your body’s healing system and acts as an anti-depressant. A lack of serotonin is widely believed to be the main cause of a lot of depression and anxiety related illnesses, so a boost of Serotonin is always welcome.

But not only does a RAOK produce serotonin in the giver, it also boosts Serotonin levels in the receiver and all those people who witness it whether at the scene or through a video on social media.

Kindness causes a ripple effect.

The RAOK doesn’t just stop with the people who witness it. Studies have shown that someone who witnesses a RAOK is much more likely to perform one themselves and will commonly go through three degrees of separation. This means that friends and family will also benefit from the good mood felt through witnessing a kind act.

Kindness has been shown to build stronger family and community ties as receiving a RAOK often inspires people to replicate this act. Kindness has been known to end conflicts, build bridges and inspire people to grow. Surveys have shown that companies who are kind to their employees have greater staff retention and are more productive.

Kindness produces Endorphins

Endorphins are the bodies natural painkillers and they are 3 times more powerful than morphine. Better still endorphins are free, don’t require a prescription, and have no unpleasant side effects. Not only do endorphins block pain but they also produce pleasure. Athletes often talk about an Endorphin rush when their muscles start to ache during a tough run or a hard game. Sportsman in contact sports such as rugby often talk about how feeling pain produces an endorphin rush which numbs the pain until many hours after a game.

Kindness produces Oxytocin

Oxytocin is the love hormone, it’s what we feel when we love someone. Small bursts of oxytocin have been shown to increase social bonding, produces an immediate calming effect, increase trust and generosity, strengthens the immune system and boosts virility.

It has been often though that oxytocin is just created when in a loving relationship or having sex. However new studies have found that Oxytocin is produced whenever two people make a connection no matter how brief. Barbara Fredrickson, the psychologist best known for her work on positive emotions, uses the phrase “micro-moments of love” in which she claims that whenever two people connect with each other they experience a momentary feeling of love. This can be two complete strangers striking up a conversation or someone performing a RAOK to another person.

Kindness reduces Ageing

Kindness process twice the amount of DHEA which slows down the act of aging. Kindness also reduces cortisol, the stress hormone, by 23%. Basically, people who regularly perform RAOK not only live longer but their lives are less stressful. Sonya Lyubomirsky, a leading researcher on happiness, cites kindness as one of the key drivers to living a happier lifestyle. Her studies have shown that kind people find it easier to find and perform tasks that make them happy and appreciate their lifestyle and surroundings a lot more.

Summary

Johann Hari in his books and You tube Videos talks a lot about how addiction, depression and anxiety are often the result of people not being able to connect with each other and feelings of isolation. An act of kindness no matter how small creates a moment of connection, another human has felt that someone cares about them and in that brief moment their world has changed. In that moment they don’t feel isolated, they feel that there is another human that has taken the time to brighten their day. But it’s not just the recipient who feels this, a RAOK offers the perpetrator that moment of connection too, producing chemicals that not only feel good but offer the chance of a longer happier life. It begs the question, why do we often find it so difficult to perform a RAOK, and why are we not promoting them as a health benefit?

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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