Kindness 2.0: going beyond the feel-good factor to true compassion.
As an associate lecturer at Buckinghamshire New University one of my favourite parts of the job is marking one of the first assignments on the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology course. Students are instructed to choose a topic from within Positive Psychology related to Happiness and wellbeing, and then to investigate that subject by trying out one or more positive psychology interventions on themselves over the course of 5-6 weeks. In their marked assignment, they write about what they did and what they found, relating their experiences back to existing theories.
It’s always fascinating to see the variety of subjects picked by different students and also heart-warming to read about their positive experiences and what they have learnt during the process. Students might choose to write gratitude diaries, try meditation, wean themselves off social media, take walks in nature – or any of a number of different activities that have been shown to increase happiness and wellbeing when consciously practised. One of the topics that regularly comes up is practising Kindness to others.
Being kind to others makes us happy
There is plenty of research in Positive Psychology literature about how being kind to others makes us happy. When we do something for another person, seeing or imagining their reaction can really give us a buzz, we feel good about ourselves and more connected to others, in addition to the benefit experienced by the other person. In one piece of research, participants were given a small sum of money (about £5 -£10) and told to spend it on a treat. Half the participants were told to treat themselves, and the other half were told to use the money to treat another. Researchers found that the group who spent money on others rated their enjoyment higher than the group who were told to treat themselves.
Reading our students’ assignments about kindness, it’s always interesting to hear about their creative approaches. Flowers have been bought and left anonymously for strangers, cups of coffee paid for the next person in the coffee shop queue, money donated to charity, and food given to homeless people. Students report back that they enjoyed helping others and felt happier as a result. It might seem obvious that being kind to a friend or colleague could strengthen a friendship and have a positive effect, but helping strangers can also beneficial to both parties, creating a sense of connection and shared humanity. Being kind to others makes us feel good.
Maximising the happiness effects of kindness
One of the lovely things about kindness is that it is catching! So in an experiment where someone left money at a coffee shop to pay for a drink for the next person, that person chose to pass that gift on – and so did the next – the gift and the feel-good factor of both receiving and giving a gift passed right down the line. Again, this makes sense, if someone is kind to us, we feel better about the world in general and are more likely to pass on kindness to others.
Research also shows that like anything else we do regularly that makes us happy, the positive effect may become muted after a while – an effect that is called hedonic adaptation. So to keep up the positive effect, we need to mix it up, be creative and try something different or keep it fresh in some way. Research has shown that rather than deciding to do something every day, it might be better to focus your efforts once a week, performing several acts of kindness in one day for a maximum happiness-boosting effect.
Are there any downsides to kindness?
One of the downsides of kindness is that because it makes us feel good, it can be easy to lose sight of whether we really are benefitting the recipient of our kindness, and it can potentially backfire.
Two factors that are important for our psychological wellbeing are a sense of autonomy (the ability to make our own choices) and environmental mastery (having control over our environment). If we do something that undermines another’s sense of autonomy or control over their environment, then we aren’t being as helpful as we think.
For example, if someone is physically struggling to do something (maybe due to old age or some other health condition) it’s easy to jump in and do it for them – but maybe it is more psychologically beneficial for them to be able to do it themselves? So it’s always prudent to ask if help is required, not just jump in and take over. This can be really tough if our idea of what is good for them is different to theirs – my fiercely independent father-in-law lived for years on his own, struggling to cope, but resisted almost all efforts from his family to help, apart from on his terms. Our kindness to him was to try to help as much as possible whilst respecting his wishes to live a life that we wouldn’t choose for him. When pushing him to accept help, we had to ask ourselves – is this really what he wants, or are we pushing this because it would make us feel better? To do the best for someone else, it’s important to be aware of our own motivations – are we trying to help them, or change a situation that we find distressing for us?
Another downside – expecting a ‘thankyou’ and the problem of indebtedness
Another potential downside of being kind to someone else is the expectation that they will feel grateful for our help, and if they don’t respond as we expect, it can lead to resentment for what we have done for them. If this happens, this may be a pointer to the fact that we are being more motivated by how we feel than the benefit to them and we may have misjudged their real needs. So again, we have to be honest with ourselves. Are we really giving a gift, with no expectations apart from the warm feeling that we have helped, or are we expecting something in return – loyalty, a ‘thank you’, or a return favour. This isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with those warm pro-social feelings when we are kind, we don’t have to suffer to do good, we just have to give it a bit of thought.
There are also cultural differences in the giving and receiving of favours, in some cultures saying ‘thankyou’ may not be the appropriate response, or doing something for someone else might create a feeling of indebtedness, so we need to be aware of those differences too. Even within a Western culture, there is also the potential problem of indebtedness, if the recipient feels that they ‘owe’ you something in exchange for what you have done for them. In an ideal world, the kindness bestowed will come with no strings attached, so any feeling of a debt needing to be repaid is more likely to be focussed on ‘paying it forward’ and extending the chain of kindness, as in the example of the free coffee already mentioned.
The problem of being led by our hearts and not our heads
When donating money or time, we are often led by our hearts, choosing causes that have personal meaning to us, such as medical charities that support research in an illness that has affected a loved one, or a charity close to home. There are lots of worthwhile charities that we could support, but also take a moment to consider which are the causes where your money can be used to best effect. I am a long-time supporter of Oxfam and other charities working in the developing world because it seems to me that where basic needs are unmet, a small amount of money can go a long way to improve people’s lives, so my money is best spent in that way. I’m not saying don’t support your favourite charity close to home, it’s great to be involved in a local cause with a sense of community, but also think about the impact that you have, check that your chosen charity spends money well, and consider stretching your compassion to people that are further away, or you might not so easily relate to.
Maximising the benefits of kindness – moving on to true compassion
The world would undoubtedly be a better place if we were all a little kinder to one another, but for the maximum benefit for both parties, we need to use our brains as well as our hearts. Before you act, consider the following:
- Kindness doesn’t need to be a big, expensive gesture, that expects a big response. Smile at someone. Listen to them. Don’t judge people, instead, try to understand why they are saying or doing whatever it is that you don’t agree with.
- Before you do something for someone, consider their point of view. Do they want help? Ask if help is wanted before you jump in – sometimes the offer of help is the kindest part, knowing that someone would help us, even if we want to do something ourselves.
- The best kindness has no strings attached. So offer kindness freely – don’t expect a “Thankyou”, but appreciate it if you get one.
- Don’t bankrupt your kindness store. You don’t have to suffer to be kind. Generally speaking, being kind will make you feel happy and replenish that store of goodwill. But you also need to be kind to yourself and recognise your needs, so don’t stretch yourself beyond what you can freely give, practically or psychologically.
- Use your brain and not just your heart when choosing causes to support. Helping with a local cause can make you feel part of the local community, but supporting international charities might be more cost-effective and make you feel part of a wider community too. Ideally, do both!
How our actions influence others
One last point about kindness: Don’t feel that you have to hide your light under a bushel. It’s sometimes seen as bragging to talk about the good things that we have done, and there is a (false) narrative that says to be truly altruistic we have to do good without benefit to ourselves, but if my donation to Oxfam helps provide water in a refugee camp, I don’t suppose the refugees care about my motives when I donated. So whether you want to brag or not, you should also be aware that seeing or hearing about your positive actions can influence others to make changes too, so share your successes (maybe in a humble way) to inspire others for maximum benefit in the world.
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Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE
‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’
I found it interesting and provoked some thoughts about the kindness which has been shown to me over the last two years. Many of my friends and neighbours were very positive in their help for me and most made it plain they just wanted to help and were not expecting any rewatrd.
This is great Sarah. Made me think about some friendships and how I can sometimes be disappointed by the response when I offer help or do something for others. Very helpful article! And yes you do have a Radio 4 voice!