The pandemic has created a seismic shift in the way in which people work.

Both employers and staff are in a difficult period of fear and uncertainty.

For employers, there is a lack of clarity on whether to embrace remote working or to stand firm and call people back to their expensive offices. They are also experiencing huge problems in recruitment and retention.

In the USA it has been called the great resignation with 4 million employees a month on average putting their jobs.  The availability of staff is significantly reduced as is their desire to return to commuting to their previous 9 to 5 existence.  Employers are now realising that they can no longer buy the presence of office staff with swivel chairs, fruit bowls and a coffee machine.

Staff have experienced, overwork, overwhelm and overcommitment throughout Covid,T hey have had to cope with a barrage of communications and online meetings at home, with little opportunity to switch off.  They have also had an opportunity to reflect on what is important to them and decide on a different rhythm of working in the future.

Remote working has kept the world ticking over but Zoom and telephone are a poor substitute for raw, messy human interaction where we can touch, smell and feel. We are social animals, and we need healthy interaction with others outside of our immediate family.

Work is often the epicentre of people’s worlds outside of the home and gives them money, purpose, status, fulfilment, and social contact. It gets them out of the house and allows them to experience a bigger picture.  It allows people to expand their comfort zone rather than it shrinking when they are stuck in one safe space.

Remote working may be efficient but there are many things that people miss out on:

• Social interaction with their colleagues
• A relief from home and preventing work and home coalescing into one long day
• Closer supervision and support
• Engagement with the organisation
• The emotional engagement with work, rather than a purely transactional one
• Those random face to face conversations that can brighten the day
• Feeling part of a team
• Opportunities to learn and develop
• The energy that is created when people are working together to a shared purpose

Relationships at work create culture and culture creates success.  To nourish relationships across the organisation, where there is a mix of remote, hybrid and face to face workers, employers need to be very creative and take the following steps in each of the six elements of The Relationship Paradigm:

Communication

• Have regular, at least, weekly 121’s between staff and manager to explore what is working well and what could be even better.
• Ask the feeling question; ‘How are you feeling right now’ and pause. This could unlock a lot of hidden truths.
• Be open and vulnerable about how you are feeling
• Give regular updates on how the organisation is doing
• Encourage informal communication within and across teams by WhatsApp or some other sharing platform

Connection

• Have multiple points of contact with each member of staff, in different ways and with different people in the organisation
• Do what you can to make them feel part of an organisation with a big purpose, even when their office is the dining room and their window on the world is Zoom
• Handwritten letters or cards of appreciation can create a relationship resonance for months

Commitment

• Clarify the ‘Why’ of the organisation, what their purpose is and ensure that employees understand this and are emotionally aligned with it.
• Show that you are investing in the development of employees
• Design a compelling hybrid employee experience
• Give the flexibility to choose the days worked remotely
• Have clear expectations for availability when working remotely

Fun

It is all too easy for remote working to become transactional.  Fun is hugely important so find creative ways of unleashing the inner child and laughing together.  Ways of doing this could include:

• Giving someone the role, for one week of being ‘Minister of Fun’
• Dressing up days
• Sharing, on Zoom etc funny memories from childhood
• Setting each other weird and wonderful tasks to complete
• Competitions

Growth

Each individual needs to feel that they are being nurtured and developed. They also need to feel part of an organisation that is growing.

This can include:

• A compelling career development programme
• Giving employees support in developing their own ideas, such as a monthly ‘FedEx day’ where they develop their innovative ideas and share them with the group.
• Sabbaticals
• Opportunity to work in different functions and regions
• Being part of cross-functional teams to develop the organisation

Trust

Trust is hugely important. If an employee feels out of the loop or is fearful of what is happening in the organisation, their commitment and productivity will fall, and they will either leave or become an internal terrorist.

To prevent this and organisation needs to:

• Be very open and honest in its communications
• Ensure staff are told what they need to know and more
• Have the opportunity to ask any questions and erase doubts through an MD drop-in day or an anonymised Q&A portal
• Deal with any concerns quickly and openly
• All management to live the stated values.

Post pandemic remote working is a huge challenge for employers. It is also a wonderful opportunity for organisations to be creative, throw out old habits and stand out from the crowd. If they put relationships at the centre of what they do, a great culture and success will follow.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Attachment theory says that for their social and emotional development, children need to form a relationship with at least one primary caregiver.  This attachment normally develops through four stages from about 6 months up until the age of about 3.

Dependent on the child’s experience with their parents, they will fall into one of four attachment styles:

Secure; where there is a positive view of themselves and others. This will come from a caregiver who is emotionally available and responsive.

Anxious; a negative view of self and a positive view of others. This will come from a caregiver who is unpredictable and critical.

Avoidant; a positive view of self and a negative view of others. This will come from a caregiver who has not met their emotional needs

Anxious – Avoidant; An unstable view of self and others. The caregiver is unpredictable or frightening.

These patterns are likely to continue into adulthood unless there is a significant self-exploration to help people understand their patterns and want to change.

If you want to check your attachment style click here.

How it Affects our Relationships

We all have baggage from our childhood. We cannot change what happened, but we can change how we allow it to affect us in the future.

A relationship is built on 3 main characters, You, Me and Us.   For it to be a strong relationship, each needs to be built on strong foundations and to exist independently rather than co-dependently.

People with secure attachment normally have more satisfying and longer-lasting relationships than those with other attachment styles. They have a positive view of themselves, their attachments and their relationships.

Anxious styles seek intimacy and approval and may become clinging and over-dependent on their partner.

Avoidant types will be independent and avoid closeness and attachment. They are likely to hide their feelings.

Someone who is Anxious-Avoidant is likely to be unhappy expressing affection and will be uncomfortable with emotional closeness. Their emotions may be unpredictable.

Another impact is that if we had a difficult childhood and are fearful or anxious, we may feel a victim from our childhood and might seek a rescuer who can give us the love and security that we didn’t get in childhood. This may become an unbalanced and unsustainable relationship unless we are able to move out of victimhood.

Understanding our Partner

We are the product of our experiences; it is what we do with those that decide who we are going to be and how healthy our relationships will be.  Do we want to be the prisoners of the past or to drive our own destiny?

To have a great relationship we need to truly understand ourselves as well as to understand our partner and their map of the world.

Everyone is unique. To have some ways of understanding them better is important but to pigeonhole people can be limiting.  There are many different dimensions that can be measured, such as Jungian personality types, IQ, EQ, birth signs, favourite football team, music, films and colours.  How many of these are helpful and how many might be distractions?

Understanding our upbringing and that of our partner, or prospective partner, is really important as that may have a big impact on who we are.  If our parents were loving and supportive, that gives us a great foundation for a secure relationship.   If our parents did not give that, it is possible that we might still be anxious or avoidant. If we are, that will place a burden on us or our relationship.  It is interesting to know that, but this is only helpful if we do something with that knowledge to improve our relationships in the future.

If we know each other’s stories and understand their maps of the world then we will be much better equipped. We will be able to understand why they respond to situations in the way they do as well as our impact on them.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post The Four Different Attachment Types in Relationships. appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Our rubbish says something very deep and symbolic about our society.

I am very fortunate to have come back from a month in France.  A whole month sailing, walking, and cycling in Brittany and the Vendee.  In all that time I saw 3 pieces of rubbish, all single cans of energy drinks squashed by the roadside.

In 10 minutes yesterday, on a short walk along the well-heeled streets of Lymington, I counted 103 pieces of rubbish, including face masks, plastic packaging, beer cans, paper.  This made me feel very sad that I am living in a community where too many do not care.

What is the difference that makes the difference?  We both live in beautiful parts of the world with similar demographics and income levels.  We are both countries of intelligent and caring people. Is it provision of bins? In France, litter bins were very rare, on many pristine beaches, there were none.

Was it about signage, exhorting people to keep the place clean?  I saw none in France. Maybe it was about regulation, but I saw no evidence of threatening fines to litter louts. Was it about supervision? Police and officials in high vis jackets were noticeably absent.

So what is it that enables the French to have a day on a beautiful beach without leaving it looking like a rubbish tip?

Maybe it is about attitude, inculcated down through generations, that we have shared responsibility for keeping our part of the world clean and beautiful so that we can all enjoy it.

·      Maybe it is because they believe that they brought it so they should take it back with them.

·      Maybe they realise that the effort taken to remove their rubbish is infinitesimal

What is it about the English that makes them think that rubbish is not their responsibility and that someone else can pick it up if they want?

·      Why is it considered acceptable to carry bags of food and drink to the beach and only carry back what is in their stomach.

·      Why is it OK to throw food wrappers and containers out of the window of their cars?

·      Why is it acceptable to destroy beauty spots with broken fridges and used settees

·      Why do we think that litter should only be picked up by public servants?

How can we take responsibility for the future of the planet if we cannot even take responsibility for the can of Red Bull that has just been drunk?

What is the solution?

·      Signage, bins, threats and regulations are not working.  You will only have to look at the pictures of Bournemouth beach after a Bank holiday weekend to see the evidence of that.

·      Wonderfully public-spirited people who spend their free time picking up litter in their locality are creating a clean space, with only a short shelf life until, once again, it is desecrated by litter.

·      What can we do, as individuals, to model the appropriate behaviour?

·      Can we call out those who are destroying the beauty of our places?

This is fundamentally about relationships, with ourselves, our communities and our planet.  It only takes a small relationship ripple from many people to create a tidal wave of change.

Leave only your footprints behind you.

The post Why Are we Rubbish? appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

What is a Tweakment?

Tweakments are non-surgical or ‘aesthetic’ procedures such as Botox and fillers to smooth wrinkles, soften skin and create subtle changes to the face and head.

Here are five important questions to answer.

1, Should couples have ‘tweakments’ together?

The important questions that they both need to ask are:

How do we feel about ourselves as individuals? If we are significantly lacking in self-belief, then this is unlikely to be the sHow strong is our relationship? If it is weak, then again, there are more important things that we should be doing first.Is this something we both really want, or is one going along with some reluctance? If so, it may create an unhealthy imbalance. What is the outcome we each want and are these coherent and compatible? Is this a one-off or will this become a never-ending journey of improvement? Is this driven by our own internal feelings or are we seeking external validation?

2. How does ageing impact someone’s mental health?

Couples are on different journeys of ageing and at different speeds.  A female will be affected by the life stages of lack of fertility, menopause and change of purpose if they have children who leave home.  A male may be affected by a mid-life crisis, wondering why they have worked hard and feeling unfulfilled.

Their lives will also be impacted by life events, traumas, work, and home changes making them realise their dreams have been interrupted or turned into dust.  All of these may make them see the future with concern and the past with disappointment.

How we feel about ourselves comes from within. What we see in the mirror is just a manifestation of the symptoms. If we are feeling confident and good about ourselves, we will be focusing on the happiness in our eyes and the glow of great experiences. If we are unhappy, we are likely to focus on the worry lines and the deep disappointment under the surface.

Ageing ultimately leads to reduced memory, mental faculties and even dementia.  The most significant factors leading up to that are whether we are in a loving relationship, whether we feel fulfilled in our life, and if we are living positively and with purpose.  Are we enjoying what we do have and looking forward to the future or are we looking backwards and saying, ‘if only’?

3, If one person in a couple starts ageing more noticeably, could this cause possible issues in a relationship?

Ageing is not just about wrinkles on the face. It is about zest for life, physical abilities, and mental awareness.

If there is an increasing gulf between the desires of each then it can create conflict and resentment. If one wants to carry on rock climbing and the other is ready to hang up their climbing shoes, buy a beige cardigan and join the bowls club, that could be problematic. If one wants to continue an exciting sex life and the other just wants another hour watching Countdown, then there could be a growing problem.

There are many examples of couples being able to continue or even strengthen a loving relationship even after significant trauma such as disabilities or life changing injuries.  What matters most is the strength of the underlying love for each other and the ability to embrace what is positive, now and in the future.

4, Are people of a certain age group being more preoccupied with tweakments and alterations?

There are two important groups most likely to participate in Tweakments:

The Instagram generation, in the 20’s and 30’s where they are judged on superficial appearance, often by strangers who can only see the avatar on social media. Here, there is strong peer pressure to be liked by others and to follow the trends set by ‘influencers’. Tweakments and surgical enhancements are publicised and pored over by the microscope of social media.  There is no shame in having work done, it is a badge of pride and of success.

The second group is older ladies who are menopausal or post-menopausal. Their children, if they have any, have left home and they may be feeling that their purpose of having children and bringing them up has disappeared.  Now, with more time to look in the mirror, they may be feeling the need to be more sexually attractive to their partner or others as well as feeling more acceptable to friends and acquaintances.  The long pondering in the mirror may see unattractive details that a little treatment could eradicate and all at less than the cost of some really expensive face cream!

5, Is it healthy for couples to do things like this together?

It is healthy for couples to have a strong ‘us’ and also a strong ‘me’ and ‘you.’  It is very unlikely that two individuals would have the same body image and to both want the same tweakment at the same time.

There is no reality, there is only perception.  For one the lines on the forehead may look like a sign of a full life, the other might see them as an imperfection. It is most likely that, if one wants tweakments, the other will feel coerced into this and, at best, be reluctant and at worst to be resentful.  If they both went down this path and one wanted to stop then this would put pressure on the other to stop too, which might feel unfair.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The boulders

So why then, does love often seem so hard, so painful, so difficult? Because of your boulders. Your conditions. The boulders of ‘I can’t love you unless you give me something in return’. These boulders cause big splashes and dangerous waves in the river of love. They make the path of love longer and more treacherous than it needs to be because it must go around these obstacles, these conditions.

True love is unconditional and painless. When you make it conditional you will feel ‘bad’, sad and blocked. You’ll feel lack, struggle and pain. Love feels hard now. But it’s not the love that’s hard. It’s the boulder you’ve placed in love’s way, the condition you’ve put on the love – that’s what causes the pain. That’s what makes it hard.

How many conditions and boulders do you have in any given relationship?

“You must do this”

“You must say that”

“Give me this”

“Be like that”

“Achieve this”

“Look like that”

“…and now I can love you.”

All these boulders lie between you and the one you are trying to love, whether a child, a friend, a spouse or a stranger. Yes, you can love a stranger. If you really understand this love I speak of you will realise that you can love a stranger. If anything, it’s almost easier to love a stranger than someone you know because you carry no history, attachment or expectation of a stranger – and hence there are no boulders in the way. You don’t want or need anything from a stranger so love can flow free more than ever. To experience love for a stranger is beautiful. This is true oneness. True ascension of consciousness. That bliss that enlightened people talk about? I think this is it.

Stop ‘trying’ to love

There is no ‘try’ in love. It’s energy of a high frequency. It’s already here. You just need to get out of its way. Stop needing, wanting, expecting and controlling, stop loving because you want from people and start loving because you want for people. What do you want for people?

Their happiness.

Their peace.

Their greatness.

Their heart.

Their wellbeing.

Their success.

Their health.

Their joy.

Their flourishing.

If you struggle to connect with this notion of loving ‘for’ someone, I hope there has been some time in your life where you have experienced this – perhaps when your baby was born or, with a pet or other animals. You wanted nothing in return from them, you simply love them. You see, true love isn’t even about you. It’s not about you, it is you. It’s not what you do, it’s who you are. It’s your essence.

What if they don’t want your love?

It doesn’t matter. Love is energy, you can give it anyway. Nothing ill can come from giving pure love or should I say ‘being’ pure love. It only gets messy when you put conditions in the way, when you want something in return and the other person hasn’t engaged in this bargain with you. Now you feel pain and they feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Not because of the love but, because of your conditions. You were doing a transaction not giving love. Love is not a transaction.

I hope by now you’ve cottoned on that the kind of love I’m talking about is not romantic love, it’s not needy love, attachment love, physical love, co-dependent love, controlling love – no, these are merely psychological experiences. They are manipulations. They do not come from the true heart, the seat of the soul. True love is a pure, non-discriminatory, magnetic, high frequency energy. It is the force of all creation. It is powerful. It has nothing to do with ‘relationships’. It sees beyond the ‘human’ and sees directly to the soul.

You choose love

You can choose to go out there with your full, beautiful heart and overflow with love. Pour it on everyone you meet with a smile, a hug, a kind word, a gentle knowing, a little time and mostly, with your state of being, your energy and your presence. You can choose to see people’s greatness, their soul, their heart, their truth, gifts and talents rather than focussing on what you need from them or what you think they are lacking. Choosing love is not hard. What’s hard is removing the conditions you’ve placed on it.

Challenge yourself to do this in every relationship.

List all the boulders and conditions you have put up in each relationship and be honest about it. Do you need your children to get good grades to love them? Then, that’s not true love. Do you need your spouse to tell you you’re beautiful every day otherwise you will start to hate them? Then, that’s not true love.

Ask yourself– why do you need them to be a certain way to feel better, to feel love?

How sustainable is this idea that a person must meet all your needs – which probably change over time – in order to be loved by you? How many shapes must they contort themselves into? And how many tick boxes are you going to make for them? Is this love, or a job interview? Is this love, or an MOT?

Is there a step by step process to inviting in more love?

I wish I could give you step by step instructions on how to experience true love and invite its abundant flow into your life. I am still working on it every day, learning more about it, challenging myself to do it whenever I see myself putting boulders in its way. This is a journey of spiritual growth and expansion of consciousness. An experience of oneness with all that lives. I have no step by step because this isn’t an analytical, mechanical experience or process. It’s a state of being. I can’t box that up for you I’m afraid.

But, one last tip I will give you is this: the love you seek out there is already within you.

You may like to find that first. You may like to work on filling your own cup and then you will experience the truth of these words: “my cup runneth over” (Psalm 23:5). You’ll experience the ‘endless, flowing river of love’. You’ll experience what I mean when I say ‘you are love’ and, you’ll realise that nothing outside of you needs to change for you to have this experience. You’ll realise, even if only for a second, that:

You were racing around out there to find what was already within.

You were chasing other people to give you what you already had.

You were trying to acquire what you never lacked.

It’s as if a big cosmic joke has been played on humans! The thing we most dearly seek is what we already are. What a puzzle! But, history and wise teachers did leave us clues…

“The kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21

“Love is not an emotion, it’s your very existence.” Rumi

“To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something – and it is only such love that can know freedom.” J. Krishnamurti

Don’t seek love. Be it.

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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If you are looking to start a new one, here are some thoughts contrasts with the animal world and the whole dating process laid out simply.

We have been in and out of lockdown and uncertainty for the last 16 months. Fear and frustration have been building up and dating has been difficult. We are now almost free and can burst out into the sunshine to perform our mating rituals.

Potential partners will be wanting to find someone too and there will be a flurry of activity, so the sooner you are ready to date the better, as the best will be going fast.

The ancient belief was that the purpose of dating is to find your ideal partner, procreate and ensure the survival of the human race. Maybe now we are higher up Maslow’s hierarchy of needs and are looking for self-actualisation. Are we wanting to have a loving and fulfilling relationship and have fun and great sex along the way?

It also used to be, incorrectly and arrogantly, claimed that Humans were the only species who had orgasms. Maybe someone should tell that to male pigs as their orgasms last, on average 30 minutes (and that is with a man in a white coat and stopwatch timing them) and as long as 90 minutes.

Here are some other aspirational examples from the animal world (With thanks to Clifton Mark). Are there any ideas there that we could model?

Adelie penguins – A stone is a Girl’s best friend

Male Adelie penguins scour the rocky beaches that they live on for smooth shiny pebbles that they can bring as a gift to woo females. If the female likes the gift, she’ll use it to line her nest, mate with the male and the two will continue building up a pebble nest to hold any eventual eggs. However, this is not an exclusive pair bond. Females will still mate with other males who show up with the right stone.

Porcupines – A yellow shower

The porcupine mating window is small: females are open to it for only about 8-12 hours per year. But when it rains, it pours. The male porcupine opens by climbing a tree and soaking the female with urine from up to seven feet away. If she likes how it smells, then she will mate with him over and over again until he’s completely exhausted. The 12-hour mating period is enough to get the female pregnant 90 per cent of the time.

Bees – Ride and die

When a drone bee has the rare chance to mate with the queen, it’s the last thing he does. He ejaculates with an explosive pop, rupturing his endophallus. He becomes paralyzed and flips over backwards. His barbed endophallus remains in the queen, ripping open his abdomen as it’s torn from the rest of his body. He dies. She holds onto his semen for later use.

Pufferfish – Come and see my etchings

A small species of pufferfish will spend seven to nine days making large ornate circle patterns on the seafloor which they decorate with shell fragments. The males flap their fins and swim around creating circles of near 2 m in diameter, even though they’re only 12 cm long. Females come to examine the finished circles and decide whether they’d like to mate with their makers. Although they’re sure the circles are important in mating, scientists are still unsure exactly what female pufferfish look for in an underwater sex lair.

Hippopotamus ritual — A literal s**t-storm

Urine and faeces are the cologne of the hippo world. To impress female hippos, males don’t just defecate and urinate near them; they use spinning tails and some of the most powerful farts on earth to fling the mess far and wide, to make sure all the females in the area can smell it. If he catches a female’s interest, she’ll raise her rear up out of the water to show she’s ready to reciprocate… by showering him in dung. Scientists call this “submissive defecation.”

Angler Fish – The clingy boyfriend

Angler fish mating begins when the male angler fish literally sinks his teeth into the female. He attaches himself permanently and lives as a parasite on the female’s larger body. However, as their bodies fuse, the male becomes completely absorbed into the female, losing any independent existence. All that remains are a pair of gonads, which the female keeps touse when she’s ready to reproduce.

Marsupial mice: Here for a good time, not a long time

Puberty hits hard for the males of these tiny Australian marsupials. When they reach sexual maturity, their testes disintegrate, and the clock starts ticking on a short but frenzied mating period. Nature gives them just a few weeks to use the sperm they’ve accumulated to ensure their posterity before they die. The boys skip sleep and run around frantically looking for mating opportunities, while their fur falls out and they develop ulcerations and gangrene. Although you might expect the males to fight during this desperate bid to reproduce, they’re actually quite friendly with each other.

What is the dating lifecycle for humans?

The fairytale is simple. Boy meets girl (or non-binary person meets non-binary person). They fall in love and live happily ever after. The end.

The reality is that we are dating to fill an unmet need. To have fun and often hoping this could lead to something wonderful and permanent. Couples dating are going through a buying process that has six main stages:

1. Awareness
We realise that we have an unmet need for love, romance or fun and that there might be people out there who could fulfil that need.

2. Interest
We start to be more open to possibilities and start to look for someone. Maybe we sign up for a dating apps, hang around in bars or wheel a trolley, full of meals for one, very slowly around the supermarket in the evenings.

3. Evaluation
We look at profiles and come up with short lists. Maybe we have online conversations to filter out the no thanks.

4. Trial
We have some dates and see where it goes. This may involve testing them out in different situations, see if they can hold a knife and fork properly and introduce them to family and friends.

5. Adoption
They become an item; maybe even a Facebook ‘in a relationship with.’ Moving in together, shopping at Ikea for cushions, getting engaged, married and pension plans beckon.

6. Loyalty
This is when life becomes real and you realise that the previously hidden downsides (f*rt*ng in bed, leaving hair on the sink and shoes artistically paced a la Tracy Emin) are significantly outweighed by the positives. You are able to communicate, connect, commit, have fun, grow and build trust and they are with you until death do you part (or not?). If not, like 42% of the UK couples you separate, divorce and start all over again.

If you want a loving and fulfilling relationship; learn what you need to learn from past experiences, be clear about what you want in the future and Carpe Diem.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post What is the Dating Game? appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Relationship Ripples appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Dreams are the natural and safe way that our brain uses to process thoughts, memories and possibilities to make sense of them.  The brain can then let the detail fade away and focus in on what is important. Once the dream is over, the brain has done its job and it can be forgotten.

The reasons for the changes in dream patterns during lockdown are:

·      Being woken up naturally rather than the alarm clock

·      The stress and uncertainty of lockdown

·      Fluctuation in hormones

·      Being trapped indoors with less natural light

·      Different work and sleep patterns

·      Heightened emotional states with more for our brains to process

Broken sleep and waking naturally, rather than by the alarm, means that we are more likely to recall our dreams and, if we wake during REM (rapid eye movement) sleep, the dream is likely to be stranger and more bizarre.

Your dreams can give you an insight into your relationship and what is buried in your subconscious or unspoken and unresolved. Here are some dreams that people are having about relationships, what they might mean and how to deal with them:

Taking revenge on your ex

Why?

If your last relationship did not end well or you feel that you were treated unfairly by your ex, then there may be buried resentment that might surface in vivid dreams.

How to deal with this?

Resentment is like drinking the poison yourself and hoping the other person will die.

It may be helpful to write your ex a letter, stating what you were glad about in the relationship and what was not good.  Having written it, take it and burn it safely

Getting back with your ex

Why?

Was the breakup not your choice or was there unfinished business?

How to deal with this?

Look for the positives in your current relationship and reflect on why they were your ex.

Understand that going back rarely works.

Making love with your ex

Why?

Was love making with your ex better than with your current partner? Or are you wanting to show your ex what they are missing?

How to deal with this?

Discuss love making with your current partner and talk through what they have enjoyed and what could be even better. Express your feelings too so that you can make love with your current partner in different and more mutually fulfilling ways.

Having a blazing argument with your partner

Why?

This is likely to mean that there are issues that have been festering and that you have not been able to talk about.

How to deal with this?

Create the time and space where you can both talk about how you feel about this issue and see if there can be any resolution.

Breaking up with your partner

Why?

This might be you catastrophising. Your relationship is likely to be under stress in lockdown so you might be fearful that they will leave you, or you are fed up with them and want to be in control.

How to deal with this?

Focus on what you can do to connect with your partner and improve your relationship.

Your partner dying

Why?

About a third of dreams are about misfortunes. If you dream if your partner dying this may be anxiety of losing them, as you may have lost people that you loved in the past.  This loss may still be resonating with you.

How to deal with this?

If you are happy in this dream; that is a worrying sign!!

If you are sad and upset, focus on what you love about them and be in the moment rather than worrying about an indeterminate future.

The cheating dream; having an affair

Why?

This is a form of escape from the current difficult situation to an exciting place of fantasy.

How to deal with this?

What starts as apparently innocent fantasies can quickly become a desired reality and will cause a disconnection, physically and emotionally. Focus on what is missing in your current relationship and what needs to change. Talk to your partner about this and get their feelings. Then agree what you will both do to improve your relationship.  It might be really helpful to inject more fun and variety.

Making love with several people

Why?

Maybe this is you exploring a repressed desire or wanting to have a different perspective on love making.

How to deal with this?

If your partner is one of the people involved, you could, gently, talk to your partner about this and explore if this is something they would like.  If they are not involved and it is just strangers then enjoy the fantasy and let it go.  Then do what you can to inject more variety and challenge into your love making.

Making love in different ways with your partner

Why?

Maybe your love making has plateaued and you are bored and frustrated.

How to deal with this?

This is incredibly simple; talk to your partner about your dreams and help them to express theirs. Then agree what you are both going to do to test out those different ways.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and read his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Quarandreams appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

1. Communication

Many couples drift apart because they are not communicating well with each other, they expect their partner to read their mind and they get locked into battles over blame about ‘stuff’. Resentment can then start to grow.

Find time and space to talk about how you are both feeling. Maybe once a week set aside an hour to share what are three things that have gone well in the relationship in the last week and one thing that needs to be dealt with. Do this from the perspective of ‘I feel’.

 2. Connection

The Visceral connection that may have been there when you first got together may fade quickly; the passion, hours making love, kisses, gifts, hours talking may get swamped by dull routine.  You may look back at a forgotten time and look forward with a sense of ‘is this all it is’.

Create moments of intimacy where you connect, and it is as if the world stops and nothing else matters. It can just be a few seconds; a real hug or meaningful kiss on leaving or returning from work. Or it can be just time where you are together, free from distractions and just be with each other.

3. Commitment

As a couple get used to each other and make the transition from ‘being in love’ to loving each other’ the magic can fade and be replaced by the ordinary. I believe that one of the greatest gifts in life is a loving and fulfilling relationship with another person. We are not taught how to have a great relationship and they are hard work, because nothing stays the same.  Commitment is essential so that both see the relationship as being important and one that they are both working to improve.

Once a week set aside about an hour for a ‘State of the Union’ meeting.  Reflect on what has gone well in your relationship and what could be even better.  Share appreciation of 5 positive things your partner has done and then choose one issue in your relationship that could be better.  Explain why this is important to you and what you would like.

 4. Fun

When did the two of you last have fun together? Sadly, many couples forget to have fun because they become overwhelmed by work, family, children and other responsibilities. They often come to believe that they do not deserve to have fun, or the guilt monster tells them that grown-ups are not allowed to have fun.

Unleash the child within. Make a joint list and do things, often, that will make you both smile and laugh.

 5. Growth

For a relationship to thrive there are three parts that need to grow; You, Me and Us. If there is no growth the relationship will wither.

Talk with your partner about how you would like to grow and develop and what you would like for the relationship too.  Talk about your values, what is really important for you and get your partner to do the same. Explore where you overlap, where you are different and how you can both get what you need.

6. Trust

Trust is normally assumed to be there until something happens to rock the foundation. It can be something small like your partner becoming secretive about phone messaging.

If you are uncertain and feel that something is wrong; bring this up and talk about it, otherwise it may fester and get out of proportion.

7. Sex

Sex often fades fairly quickly, and I am shocked by how few couples are able to talk about something that is really important to both of them.  There is often the belief that the other should be able to read their minds about when and how to make love and what specifically they would like.

Create the time to talk about it; a few minutes embarrassment is much better than years of frustration, disappointment and resentment. A gentle way in might be to calibrate each of your scores out of 10 for frequency and satisfaction.  Then open up the conversation to what is good and what could be even better.

8. Distractions

Social Media can be a way of unwinding after work, but the Dopamine hit of instant gratification when our phone pings to say we have a new message can also be a distraction from our partner (and children). It may make them feel less important and wonder who is that you are spending time communicating with.?

Let your partner know what you are doing and create device-free times and places where you as a couple and as a family are the priority.

 9. Different Perceptions

There is no reality, only perception. In any relationship there are at least two perceptions, often very different and equally right. You need to accept that your partner is not you.

Try and understand their ‘map of the world’ and explore how they feel about things where you have a different perception.

10. Mind Reading

When things are not going well, it is common to start blaming the other for not understanding them, not knowing what they want, not listening. We expect them to mind read us and, if they can’t then clearly, they don’t love us!

Break the myth of mind-reading. Express your needs clearly and kindly. If you are not sure what your partner really wants it is much better to seek clarification than create disappointment.

11. Fading Dreams

We often go into a relationship with big dreams about love and an amazing future. Over time the clouds of reality start to drift in and our dreams for a wonderful future fade.

We need to have dreams and work towards achieving those.  Find a big sheet of cardboard or board and put this somewhere that you both can see.  Find or draw pictures that elicit those dreams, whether it be places, things, people or feelings.  Co-create one shared dream.

12. Life Changes

Nothing stays the same, life changes, disappointments and tragedies happen. Work, children, families and communities may take us in different directions.  Is our relationship a safe harbour in the storms or is it a boat drifting at the mercy of the winds, waves and currents?

Put your relationship at the centre of everything and invest time, love and energy in it.  If it is your safe harbour, then you will both be able to cope much better with the storms.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post 12 Relationship Challenges and How to Overcome Them appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Lockdown 2.0 is worse in many ways than the first because the novelty has worn off, the days are darker and colder and the uncertainty over money and employment is increasing.

Here are twelve key emotions, the impact they can have on your relationship and how to deal with them. The first 8 are negative emotions as these will be more likely. I have also listed 4 positive emotions that can be a wonderful antidote:

1.     Scared

This is one of the fundamental emotions that is really strong and visceral.

We may be scared that:

we or our loved ones will get ill and even die

we may lose our jobs and not find another one

we will run out of money and may even become homeless

our basic physiological and safety needs are under threat

life in the future will be very different

This is likely to trigger the primeval fight, flight or freeze response.  Our body will become flooded with adrenaline to get us ready to cope with the threat. Longer-term this can create significant physical and mental side effects.

How will this impact on our relationship?

You may go within ourselves, freeze in our internal comfort zone and be unwilling to be vulnerable, to share feelings or be intimate.  This could make your partner feel excluded and rejected and create a downward spiral.

How to manage this?

Share your feelings and get support from your partner. Physical contact and hugs are hugely important. Together you will be stronger.

2.     Helpless

This is where we feel impotent and out of control; being taken by the tide with no escape.  We can either focus on what we can change or feel that we are a victim of the circumstances.  We may catastrophise and focus on the negatives.  The glass may not even be half full; it may have disappeared

How will this impact on our relationship?

If your partner has similar emotions, you can end up dragging each other under. If they are being positive, you may find the mis-matching irritating and it could drive a wedge between you.

How to manage this?

You need to ask for help and get support and encouragement.  Having the sense that as a couple you can support each other through this and have something positive to look forward to and enjoy will be very powerful.

3.     Anxious

We may be worrying about the unknown future, finding it hard to sleep and worrying about what will happen next.

How will this impact on our relationship?

If you are both aligned, you could be helping each other to make mountains out of molehills.  If you are differentiated, then one may be frustrated that the other is seeing the world very differently. This could cause the relationship to start to drift apart

How to manage this?

Be open and honest about what you are both feeling and ensure that the anxiety is being listened to.  Work together to see what can be done to lessen that anxiety and bring more certainty into your lives.

4.     Overwhelmed

Our world has suddenly changed and become much more unpredictable. We may now be fulfilling the role of partner, parent, teacher, worker all in our home space. This is really hard to cope with and makes us less resilient.  The feeling of overwhelm is very likely as we no longer know which way is up and what the priorities are.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Your partner is likely to have different pressures and be responding in very different ways which could be immensely irritating!

How to manage this?

Accept that your partner is different and will be coping as best they can.

Be clear on the activities and decisions that you are jointly responsible for and agree who is doing what and what the priorities are.

Talk to each other about your own overwhelm list and see how you can support each other.

5.     Frustrated

Freedom to go out to the pub, restaurant and shops is now curtailed. Holidays are on ice and Christmas may not happen. There is nothing that we can do to change that no matter how much we curse and mutter.  We can only change how we allow this to affect us.

How will this impact on our relationship?

You may take out this frustration on each other by being bad tempered and moody. That is not good, particularly if your partner is also feeling vulnerable.

How to manage this?

Talk this through, voice your frustrations and then let them go as you jointly seek pleasure where it can be found.

6.     Irritated

Being locked in with your partner 24/7 without escape is a great opportunity to develop your relationship, free of distractions.  It can also become a living hell.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Your focus may start to be on all those things that they do that annoy you; the messy sink, shoes across the floor, inequality of effort on housework.  Little things can build to become profoundly irritating and you may take this out on each other with arguments, shouting and huffs.

How to manage this?

Raise these minor irritations before they fester.  Talk about them in the format of ‘When you leave your shoes across the floor, I feel annoyed and worried that I will trip up in the dark’ rather than ‘You are so messy and inconsiderate, clear up those shoes now.’

7.     Lonely

We may be separated from our friends and families. There is contact by phone, text and other apps but that is no substitute for physical touch. It can feel that you are adrift in this different world and just want to hide in your safe cave.

How will this impact on our relationship?

There may only be room for one in your cave, so your partner may feel excluded and unwanted.

How to manage this?

Talk about how you are feeling and what your partner can do to be alongside you and ensure the loneliness dissipates.  Hugs (at least 8 a day) and physical contact are really important.

8.     Sad

Sadness at what we have lost due to Lockdown is understandable. It is a place that can be strangely comfortable.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Sadness is a very individual emotion and, if held onto, could create a divide in your relationship

How to manage this?

Share and maybe shed some tears for what you have lost and then try and move on.

You cannot change what has happened, but you can change how you allow it to affect you in the future.

And now we move onto positive emotions that can be a great antidote to the negative ones above:

9.     Loving

One of the greatest gifts in life is a loving and fulfilling relationship.  In tough times love is hugely empowering.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Sharing love whilst navigating through tough times will make the relationship flourish and give you reassurance that together you can cope with a lot.

How to manage this?

Connect with that love you have for each other and spend time nourishing it.  Create moments of intimacy where it is as if the world has stopped and nothing else matters.

10.  Appreciated

Appreciation is hugely powerful but often fades with time in relationships. In difficult times it is particularly important as we may be feeling more vulnerable.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Knowing that your partner appreciates you can create a warm glow that lasts for hours or days. It will cause your relationship to blossom.

How to manage this?

Maybe share a list of 10 things that your partner generally does that you appreciate.

And then, regularly, say very specifically what your partner has done that day that you appreciate.

11.  Grateful

Gratitude is hugely important to our own sense of worth and purpose. In difficult times we often focus on what is wrong with our world.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Noticing the good things rather than focusing on the negatives can be uplifting to you and your relationship

How to manage this?

Every night before you go top sleep share three things with your partner that you are grateful for. It will get both of your subconscious minds into a positive frame before you go to sleep.

12.  Hopeful

The hope that all this difficulty will pass is really important and freeing.

How will this impact on our relationship?

It will help you both focus on a good future rather than being stuck in a difficult present. When the hope is shared it can blossom.

How to manage this?

Talk through the things that you are hoping for and your future dreams. Maybe draw, separately, pictures of your ideal future and share and discuss.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Lockdown Emotions How They Impact Your Relationship appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.