The vomiting started, we knew something was coming because nursery prewarned us of the cases of children who had experienced the ‘sickness bug’.  Their utter professionalism and dedication to the children in their care made me on high alert and definitely shaped the actions I took.  Then came the temperature and we just could not settle it.  My daughter is vibrant, full of life and loves dancing.  But she just did not have any of this in her.  Then I just could not keep fluids down her and she became lethargic.  Time for some help.

The Accident & Emergency part of the hospital processed us very quickly.  Within an hour my daughter was on a drip.  I remember the nurse coming to see me after the drip was completed and say ‘well done mummy, you were brave.  A lot of mothers break at that part’.  I completely empathise. It took all my might to hold back my own tears as my daughter screamed, one from the pain and two from the unknown.  As much as you want to be that reassuring parent, sometimes you just don’t know!  I did a hypnobirthing course to prepare me for birth, and I did not realise just how powerful these techniques would be not just in birth, but the transferable methods that grounded me in a sense of calmness, which my daughter so needed.  Her blood sugars had lowered to a dangerous level and the nurse said we would have had a completely different outcome if I had not come in when I did (one I cannot bear to comprehend). 

We were then transferred to ward for the night.  I gave those awful phone calls to grandparents, who passed the message onto our loved ones and we all just had to wait this one out.  My daughter was monitored every two hours and administered the medication she needed to stabilise her blood sugars.  It was exhausting, but as mummy you find the strength to keep going.  I remember sending my husband home with a very detailed list of what to put in our overnight bag.  I am the type of person, that packs for everything.  At this point we had no idea when we would be sent home and this was something in my control.

Thankfully the medication worked, and my daughter started to heal.  We were lucky to be sent home the next day.  My daughter was diagnosed with Ketotic Hypoglycaemia.  A condition which is the result of low blood sugar (hypoglycaemia) and the presence of high levels of ketones in the blood.  It is common that children grow out of this by the time they are five years old.  We have a repeated prescription of glucose which I must have ready if she gets into this condition again.  My daughter has now gained a more relaxed mummy around eating chocolate as this is my daughter’s go to sugar.  Don’t get me wrong it is still within a balanced diet, but my daughter seems to know when she needs something to boost her.  We have been under the supervision of the hospital, and we finally got that all clear we don’t need to go anymore, and the GP will be our guide.  Unless another extreme case occurs, but so far, we have managed to live with it well. 

On reflection of this journey, it has reconnected me to the literature on Mental Toughness.  Zahariades (2020), defines Mental Toughness as ‘our durability in the face of adversity’.  He gives recognition to the fact that ‘raising children involves uncertainty and fear’ (Zahariades, 2020, p. 15), which navigating through this terrain of the unknown, sometimes uncomfortable and a profound sense of protection, being a parent absolutely encompasses the attributes of Mental Toughness.  

As Zahariades (2020), states: Raising healthy, confident, capable, self-sufficient children requires weathering times of stress, fear and guilt.  But it also embraces wholehearted love, laughter, joy and connection.  

Listen to the Deep Dive podcast that discusses this article

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Exploring Positive Psychology and Therapy over a long period makes you identify, analyse and reflect on your inner world with a greater awareness as you explore the depths of these domains.  When becoming a mum and knowing you are responsible for the physical, emotional, spiritual and mental health of your child, the impact of those early years is paramount to the development of your child across their lifespan.  We are as parents responsible for the conditioning, those inner patterns that are created and then become the foundations for their habits and subconscious drives that either become effective contributors to our children’s’ lives or ineffective.

However, before we become effective or ineffective drivers for our children, we must apply our self-awareness to scrutinise how effective or ineffective we contribute to our own lives.  What subconscious drives, our own inner patterns are we running our own lives on?  Are they helping towards creating a flourishing life or are we on groundhog day allow our inner scripts to run on autopilot in the background and feeling discontent with life?  Do we know those inner scripts?  Do we stop and take moments of reflection before we add more to our never-ending to-do list?

Taking action changes lives.

The one thing I have noticed is that I know a lot of stuff about self-development and psycho-emotional development.  I have a Character Strength when completing the Values in Action (VIA) survey of a ‘Love of Learning’, so learning is an important part of my life.  I have the knowledge and at times I apply this knowledge as knowledge alone does not create transformation.  Taking action changes lives.  Before I was a mum, I was inconsistent with the application of transformation.  I wanted change, my emotional body was definitely giving me the internal messages of change, but I would start and stop the approaches that I wanted to do.  Becoming a mum has been my biggest motivator to take ACTION.

The biggest obstacle I have had to overcome in my lifetime is negative thinking.  My self-talk.  I know I am not alone on this journey as I have had the privilege of sharing this self-discovery with others who too embark on the transformation of their inner world.  During my childhood I experienced a very messy divorce of my parents.  Being the eldest child meant a huge responsibility fell on me.  The darkness of this messy divorce left a lot of inner turmoil.  My friends say I have a lot of inner strength and resilience, which I don’t always see, but has come through this experience.

The effects of my parents’ divorce did not fully explode until many years later, in fact 23 years later when my aunt died unexpectedly.  The helplessness and hopelessness of my aunt’s death opened the floodgates to the helplessness and hopelessness I felt as a teenager when my parents divorced.  It was an immense emotional release that was painful.  I was in the middle of my Applied Positive Psychology Masters feeling anything but positive.  I was grieving my aunt’s departure from this world and dealing with the teenage girl inside me that hadn’t had the time to process the divorce and the impact it had on me because I went straight into caring for my younger siblings.  The biggest lesson I learnt here was to be authentic, be honest and trust the process of this inner awakening.

Be Proactive.

When exploring the work of Stephen R. Covey and reflecting on the inner avalanche of emotions that transpired during my aunt’s death, I was proactive and not reactive.  The reactive version would be to blame my parents for divorcing in the first place, but we were all suffering with our own versions of pain in the breakdown of this marriage and it would not have given me the healing I needed. Convey (2013), explains being proactive as being value-driven.  Carefully thinking and selecting the values you want in your life and internalising them.  The proactive approach is to change from the inside out.  It is this approach I want to apply to being a mother.  This is the gift I want to give to my daughter – be value-driven and live by her principles.

References:

Covey, S.R. (2013). The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People. Simon & Schuster. New York. USA

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While my baby daughter grows, each milestone is important and embeds the foundation of her emotional, psychological, physical and spiritual health. Seligman, the founder of Positive Psychology stated when he searched what parents want the most for their child, their response was happiness (Seligman, 2011). This helped formed his concept for Positive Education. This is also such a big
question for all parents – How do we create the foundation for happiness for our children? What is happiness? Howcan we sustain happiness? All these questions plus the juggling of the day-to-day activities. In reflection I thought I would start by looking at how the habits in our lives create happiness or despair. Also, how can I as a mother, use this information to help create healthy patterns for my daughter, so she doesn’t have to spend her adulthood unpicking stuff that just gets in the way. Is this even possible?

What is a habit?

‘A habit is a routine or behaviour that is performed regularly – and, in many cases automatically’ (Clear, 2018, p. 6). My daughter is currently building her habits like brushes her teeth every day, going to bed at a set time (on most days) and so forth. She is at the stage where observing her environment is key to her developmental learning and is a prime time to implement habits that will empower her. These habits
at the moment are eating healthy, this does not mean avoid all those ‘treats’, but to install balance. I gave up my gym membership when I was pregnant and returned to working out at home like I did during the COVID lockdowns. I allow my daughter to join in, she may just sit on my yoga mat and watch me or get involved in her own little way. But she sees me do this regularly. This has made me more motivated to
keep up with the weekly exercise schedule because I know it not only benefits me but also grows a subconscious pattern for my daughter that exercise is important. We have also focused on books and she is at the stage where she can turn the pages herself and tell us a story in her own words as she is still yet to develop her speech, however she does know how to say the word ‘NO’. She also enjoys us reading to her and will now pick the book she wants read. These seem so simple, but when looked over time, the power of loving reading will assist her motivation for studying later in life or simply being emerged in a book for pleasure and activating a more mindful approach. The exercise will not only keep her body healthy, but also her mind as exercise creates endorphins, which help relieve pain, reduce stress and improve well-being.

Focus on the System

While exploring the literature on habits, this quote stood out ‘Goals are good for setting a direction. Systems are best for making progress (Clear, 2018, p. 24). I knew this before I read this quote, but it was like I was reading with fresh eyes, a heightened awareness of some sort. Clear suggests that focusing on the end result – ‘the goal’ doesn’t help towards an embedded approach to habits. Following this method is the easiest way to revert back to your original pattern and not sustaining your habit over time because once your goal is achieved then the
momentum to continue can reduce. However, if you focus on following a system then the momentum to continue the habit is stronger and exceed after the goal is achieved. This all depends on the intended change, sometimes you may need to continue a habit over time for example exercising and eating healthy. But if the habit is a one off goal, you may not need to continue the habit or the intensity of the habit.
So why has this aspect obtained emphasis? In teaching my daughter about habits, I need to be more engaged with the system of implementing and embedding habits rather than goals with an end result. System focus allows for less disappointment
because it is the process. The exploration of this was drawing parallel concepts to Dweck’s Mindset theory (2012), where the effort should be commended and not just the attainment to develop a growth mindset. I am a crucial person in helping my daughter build her habits and the greater awareness I have, the greater impact I can have.

References:
Clear, J. (2018). Atomic Habits. Penguin Publishing Group.
Dweck, C. (2012). Mindset: How you can fulfil your potential. London Robinson.
Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: A visionary new understanding of happiness
and well-being. Atria Paperback.

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I have said in a previous blog, I had my daughter at 42, so she is a great blessing because I overcame fertility issues.  In her presence, I daily journey with her in great wonderment as she learns, develops, and grows in this world of ours.  I feel a calling to share my experience of motherhood for reasons I am still uncovering, but in this, I give the intention to hope it touches, inspires, or helps others because words are a powerful tool for transformation, connection, and compassion.

While at home with my daughter on maternity leave, which I was very lucky to have the first year off with her.  When she took her naps, I became accustomed to the YouTube app on my TV.  One of my Character Strengths from working with Values in Action (VIA) on the MAPP is ‘love of learning’, which comes under the virtue of wisdom (Linley, 2008).  This strength has been the driver of my chosen career as a teacher and the journey into mediumship in my thirties and I only connected the dots during the strengths-based development and engagement module on the MAPP.  I knew I needed to keep this Character Strength nurtured otherwise it affects my energy levels and there is one thing a new mum needs and that is energy.  While nurturing this virtue, I watched the teaching of Gabor Maté.  I had come across his work by reading ‘When the Body Says No: The Cost of Hidden Stress’ (Gabor Maté, 2019).  I find his insight and knowledge about brain development fascinating.

Neurons that fire together, wire together.

The most profound message, which I already knew due to my extensive training in mental health and Positive Psychology was the “Neurons that fire together, wire together.”  Here I was with the responsibility of laying the foundations into the habit patterns that will shape my daughter for the trajectory of her lifespan.  A very powerful and meaningful role and one I am going to do consciously and intentionally.  I am not deluded, I am aware that subconscious drivers will play their part and there will be many moments of imperfection, but there are things I want to ensure my daughter has to equip her in her life.

Laughter Yoga

The first one is ‘laughter’.  I practice Laughter Yoga, which is prolonged voluntary laughter with my daughter daily.  This came from the work of our lovely co-founder of The Positive Psychology People – Lesley Lyle.  We were meant to have a session with Lesley on the MAPP, however, she actually could not make the session and our lecturers at the time Matthew Smith and Piers Worth conducted it.  The profound lesson I learnt is I wait for something funny to make me laugh and I wait a very long time.

My parents had a messy divorce, so happiness and laughter were always short-lived.  Laughter increases endorphins, which are the happy hormones in the brain.  My daughter and I have been doing daily Laughter Yoga since she began to laugh. Now she is older, we do it more than once a day and I join in every time she laughs.  It not only wires those neurons, but it also increases our positive connection as we share laughter together.  It is also rewiring my neurons from waiting for something to make me laugh to giving myself permission to laugh for absolutely no reason.  So, getting back to Maté, brain development in the first three years is fundamental to the development of the brain and the internal messages we send ourselves throughout our lives.  Some of the programming this early can still be deeply ingrained and affect us as adults.

Therefore, I know this journey of Laughter Yoga with Ava (my daughter) will create and cultivate core positive foundations that she will now have in her psychological and emotional toolbox that we will continue to develop together.  My main message for Ava is that we do not need to wait for something funny to laugh.  We can laugh without a reason because it makes us feel better.  It lifts our spirits, and it promotes happiness.

References:

Linley, A. (2008). Average to A+ : realising strengths in yourself and others. Capp Press.

Kern, M. L., & Wehmeyer, M. L. (2021). The Palgrave handbook of positive education. Palgrave Macmillan.

Maté, G (2019). When the body says no: the cost of hidden stress. Vermilion.

Norrish, J., & Seligman, M. E. P. (2015). Positive Education: the Geelong Grammar School journey. Oxford University Press.

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Bella entered our home in 2010.  A cute kitten, full of energy and love.  The decision to become a pet owner was due to my burnout experience months before.  During my recovery, I knew I had to change my lifestyle.  The classic I am a teacher and the system broke me.  I wanted a reason, that when I returned home from work, I had something else to focus on rather than trying to use that time to complete a never-ending to do list, that I had no hope of ever fulfilling.  Someone suggested having a cat.

So, the journey of Bella and I began.

How does Positive Psychology apply?

If we take the PERMA model that underpins Positive Psychology, having pets really activates each component.

Positive Emotions: The happiness, the laughter, the compassion and the love that exist between a pet and its owner is flourishing in its abundance.  I am talking about owners who have unconditional love for their pets.  The action of caring for your pet produces Oxytocin, the ‘love drug’ within the brain. All those cuddles produce a steady stream of Oxytocin, that helps combat stress and depression.  Obviously, when they depart this world for the next, the loss is incredibly painful due to the fact you loved them so much.

Positive Engagement: This component requires you to be present in the moment.  Your mind is not wandering onto other things other than what you are doing right at that specific moment of time.  I found this one difficult at first as multi-tasking was a key attribute in how I managed my life.  When you give yourself permission to enter what is known as the flow state it has a positive effect on your mental health.  This can be fully present while feeding your pet, playing, cuddling and so on.

Positive Relationships: If you have a relationship based on love and compassion with clear and healthy boundaries you have positive relationships.  Bella use to greet me when I returned home.  She would either sit at the front window or she would run across our extension and jump down and sit herself on our front garden wall.  When my now husband moved in with Bella and me, if he was home before me, he would know when I was due home as Bella would tell him.  This is something I missed so much when she passed.  What a moment to create a smile in you, when someone is happy you are home.

Positive Meaning: I believe there is nothing more meaningful in life than being the light for someone else and they ignite the light within you simply based on sharing this life together.

Positive Accomplishment: The accomplishment was that I created 11 happy years for Bella.  She was very poorly in the end and I decided to bring her home so we could say goodbye.  Her death occurred during Covid and I would not have had the opportunity to kiss her goodbye due to all the restrictions put in place.  My husband and I are mediums, so I knew I had made the right decision to bring her home.  She had another 17 days with us.  The night she died I felt compelled to read the bible, so as she sat without much life left, I read her the bible while stroking her fur.  She gave me this very loud cry.  In the morning when I woke, she had passed and she looked so peaceful.  Just as in her life she knew the tremendous love I had for her, which was mirrored in helping her travel over that rainbow bridge.

Am I crying while writing this – ABSOLUTELY!  A duality of sadness because she is no longer here and complete joy because she was here.  I want to thank her because I now share this love with my baby and a new cat Sapphire.  Let the love flow.  Not only within this world but between this world and the one where all our loved ones go.

References:

·      Hoare, E., Bott, D., & Robinson, J. (2017). Learn it, Live it, Teach it, Embed it: Implementing a whole school approach to foster positive mental health and wellbeing through Positive Education. International Journal of Wellbeing, 7(3), 56–71. https://doi.org/10.5502/ijw.v7i3.645

·      ‌Kristjánsson, K. (2012). Positive Psychology and Positive Education: Old Wine in New Bottles? Educational Psychologist, 47(2), 86–105. https://doi.org/10.1080/00461520.2011.610678

·      Seligman, M. E. P. (2011). Flourish: a visionary new understanding of happiness and well-being. Atria Paperback.

·      Seligman, M. E. P. (2019). Positive Psychology: A Personal History. Annual Review of Clinical Psychology, 15(1), 1–23. https://doi.org/10.1146/annurev-clinpsy-050718-095653

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The medical profession has to alert you to the risks but due to the high-risk category, there was a constant dialogue about the difficulties.  I was lucky I had a very compassionate midwife, who helped keep my thoughts positive.  During the second trimester, I experienced antenatal anxiety and using the Positive Psychology theory and interventions helped shape the remainder of my pregnancy with that sense of glow and the antenatal anxiety slowly disappeared.

If there is one thing anxiety does – it robs you of your joy and I had waited so long to be a mother, I was going to enjoy every minute of the journey.  I listened to the medical profession and the risks, but I focused on positive emotions as what I was feeling and what my baby was feeling.  It was really important for me to reduce my stress levels and add more relaxation into my life.

What Went Well:

I used the What Went Well intervention (Seligman, 2011), where you focus on three positive things that happened that day.  I wrote in a diary every night before I went to bed.  This made me consciously consider the positivity that my day consisted of.  This then enhanced positive emotions.  Once I had chosen my three things, I would then talk to baby about our day, adding to the bonding experience.  I would complete my night’s ritual by telling my baby ‘I love you, night night’.

Shortly after I delivered the midwife asked if I spoke to my baby during pregnancy.  I said every day.  She said you can tell the mothers who speak to their babies during pregnancy by their baby’s reactions.  At the time I was recovering from a complicated birth, so I cannot recall what the exact difference is between mothers who speak to their babies during pregnancy and those that do not.  But it was nice to have had it noticed.

Self-Compassion:

I have quite a critical inner critic, which is active when I enter a new aspect of my life.  This happened in the first trimester before the first scan.  Hearing my baby’s heartbeat and seeing her in the scan helped me change my perspective.  I used the Self-Compassion work by Kristin Neff, who states ‘we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend’ (Neff, 2011).  I would never speak to a friend how I speak to myself, so revisiting the work of Neff, helped me realise how easy it is to fall into the pattern of not being good to yourself.

I used ‘changing your critical self-talk’, where you reframe your self-talk with compassion.  I also used meditation to generate a more peaceful inner being.  The Self-Compassion work is very empowering and it is something I will teach my daughter.  I wish I had this knowledge as a child because it would have made my earlier years more joyful.  My parents did the best job they could, based on the knowledge they had at the time.

Studying the MAPP has opened up a new horizon of flourishing.  My parents’ generation was taught how to survive because their parents experienced the Second World War, so surviving was the optimal state as they witnessed so much death and decay.  So, their teachings were valuable, but my contribution to our generational lineage will be to navigate the pathway of flourishing as I will now pass on my knowledge and love to my daughter.

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