For those of you who have read my previous blogs, you will know my calling to help people to increase the amount of positive emotions they experience. This is because there are so many healthy consequences that result from increasing the amount of positive emotions such as joy, happiness, hope and inspiration. One healthy consequence is that increasing the frequency and intensity of positive emotions we experience, creates a protective, buffering effect for those difficult times that lie ahead of us.

Summer

This includes those times when we are relaxed or when we are immersed in a pleasurable experience such as swimming in the sea, having a bbq with friends or watching a beautiful sunset. These are the times when it is easy to cultivate and savour positive emotions.

Autumn

We can’t all stay on a high forever. Our moods level out and this can be compared to the transition to autumn. Gone are the long sunny days, however, the gentle wonder of the changing seasons is present, providing us with less intense positive emotions.

Winter

This is when then things go wrong in our life, or things are spiralling out of control, and we can be flooded with negative emotions such as fear, despair or worry. They can be over powering and bring us to a standstill. These are difficult days to get through.

Spring

Here, we are recovering from the hardship of the difficult times we have just experience in a winter of our life. Just like plants that burst from the ground, we are beginning to recover and rise our head above the trauma, the shock or stress we have experienced. We are now strong enough to look around and assess our situation and take stock. This is a time of putting down roots and putting on growth.

Harvest Time

So we can see the changing nature of our emotions and if you look back on your life you might find that they follow a similar cycle to the seasons. Winter is inevitable, we will all experience difficult times, it is part of life. However, knowing this will happen and knowing that winters do not last, gives us the agency to prepare ourselves by reflecting on what action we can take to shorten the winter and lessen the impact of negative emotions.

Barbara Fredrickson’s broaden and build theory of positive emotions has shown that positive emotions act as a buffer to negative emotions, reducing their intensity and longevity. Therefore, taking time to deliberately create and experience positive emotions and to harvest (by savouring) these positive emotions helps increase our resilience in the difficult times ahead.  So take time to cultivate positive emotions such as joy, inspiration, gratitude and serenity. Draw up a plan of activities you would like to do that you will find enjoyable. They might be small things like finding time to savour a coffee every day. The positive experiences all add up and add to our resilience armour.

Read more about Bryony Shaw and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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What is false positivity?

False positivity is a sticky plaster we put on things when they’re broken. It is a cover we put on our painful feelings. It’s the glitter we sprinkle on our negative thoughts. Key signs of false positivity are avoidance, dishonesty and naivety. We tend to use false positivity to avoid a painful truth or to pretend that we’re fine when we’re not. We also use it often unconsciously, to mentally and emotionally detach from what might be a very serious situation that needs properly addressing.

When we use false positivity we don’t really believe the positive words we say to ourselves e.g. “it’ll be fine” or “it’ll all work out in the end”. I’m not saying it won’t be fine or, that it won’t work out in the end but, I am suggesting that most people are just paying lip service when they say things like this. They don’t really believe it. In fact, what they deeply believe is probably the opposite. If your life is crumbling and all you’re doing is saying “it’ll be fine” you’re simply creating more discord within yourself. You’re out of alignment. You are not standing in truth. And truth is really important.

What is true optimism?

True optimism is about acceptance, honesty and complexity of thought. It’s about facing where you currently stand. No matter how much of a mess you think you’re in, you first face it without needing to cover it up or immediately fix it. And then, you employ sophisticated thinking to help move you towards where you really want to be. True optimism goes way beyond “it’ll be fine”.

I’ve come up with 3 P’s that can help you cultivate true optimism.

1.     Presence

Stand fully in the truth of where you are. Be present with it, accept it and allow it all to be without trying to fix it or fight it. No matter how bad it is, be honest about it. Speak it out, write it out, observe it and feel it. If you read my blog on ‘How to lose emotional weight’ you can learn a process that helps you become totally present with how you feel. Radical honesty is an important foundation for true optimism. It’s about making space for the very real pain and challenge you may be facing and not trying to run away from it or pretend it’s not there – which is often what happens with false positivity.

2.     Perspective

Now that we’ve opened our arms and welcomed in our current problems, rather than trying to sugar coat them, we’re going to look more closely at them and balance our perspective. We’re going to deconstruct some of the negative thinking myths that we fall into in times of trouble:

• Myth 1: What we’re experiencing is pervasive – it affects all areas of our life.
• Myth 2: What we’re experiencing is permanent – it will never go away.
• Myth 3: What we’re experiencing is personal – life has targeted us with this challenge.

Take a look at your problem and list all the ways you can see that it’s not pervasive, permanent or personal.

For example, if you’ve lost your job, there are likely other things in your life which are still intact – family, health and some hobbies for example. You could go further – the Earth still spins, the sun still shines, air is still abundant, the birds still fly and the rain still falls. Take it as far as you wish! Really show yourself how there are many areas of your life that are still intact and thus this problem is not pervasive. The entirety of your world has not come crashing down.

In this scenario about losing a job, we can also see that millions of people around the world are losing jobs right now, millions have lost them in the past and will lose them in the future. This is not personal, at all. You are not a target. It’s happening to many of us. Remember, true optimism isn’t about belittling you or your problems, it’s just about being honest about what’s really going on. And what’s going on is not personal.

Keeping with this example, we can dispel the last myth of permanency. Job loss is many difficult things but, it’s unlikely to be permanent. Even people in the most destitute situations have managed to get a job again. Some have had to try for a really long time but they did get there. Maybe you’ve been there before yourself too. This problem does not last forever. Nothing lasts forever in this life.

Using this perspective-shifting exercise I hope you can see that true optimism is not about flipping your negative situation on its head with throwaway positive comments, it’s about deeply understanding and embracing the multiple perspectives that surround a problem. It’s about seeing the true reality, not the small, limited version of reality that your mind has created. Doing this little bit of mental gymnastics helps to open your field of vision and it takes you out of the narrow tunnel vision which negative experiences can often throw us into.

3.     Possibility

Now that you’ve got your juices flowing with some optimistic truths about this problem you’re having, it’s time to look at the possibilities.

Some would say that we live in a universe of infinite possibility. I know for sure that in my own life, possibilities have occurred that I didn’t even know were possible! So, let’s expand our awareness further into the realms of true optimism: list all the possible outcomes and paths of progress that could arise in your current situation.

Sticking with the job example, you could get a job through a friend, you could start your own business, you could get a virtual job in another country, you could get an unexpected opportunity through social media, you could get a physical job in another country, you could move into a totally new industry, you could start contracting, you could take on one or more part-time jobs to tide you over, you could freelance, you could go into a partnership with someone, you might carve out a new role in a firm, maybe you can afford to not work for a little longer and it could be time to learn a new skill or, it could be a much-needed rest and time to reflect. What else? Don’t just think about you, think about what has happened to other people. Remember, problems aren’t personal and thus solutions aren’t either. If it can happen to someone else, it can happen to you.

Getting into the details of these perspectives and possibilities is not only going to expand your awareness and give you hope and courage, it also helps you generate ideas and actions you can take to progress. Such hope, ideas and actions rarely arise from false positivity where all you can muster up is “it’ll be fine”! I hope you’ll try out my 3Ps for true optimism, do let me know how it goes.

Read about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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An old man says to his grandson:” There’s a fight going on inside me. It’s a terrible fight between two wolves. One is evil-angry, greedy, jealous, arrogant, and cowardly. The other is good-peaceful, loving, modest, generous, honest, and trustworthy. 

The boy asks, “Which wolf will win?”

The old man replies, “The one you feed.”

Meeting the angry wolf

Imagine walking down the street and being confronted by an angry wolf. He stands in front of you, feet planted firmly on the ground, the hair on the back of his neck standing up, he’s showing his teeth and growling at you.

What would you do?

You would no doubt go in to fight or flight mode, you may decide to fight the wolf, but it’s more likely you will back off, cross to the other side of the street, run as fast and as far away from the wolf as you can.

How do you feel?

Your heart will probably be racing, you will be sweating, and full of adrenaline.

Maybe you will feel afraid, and angry because this wolf is allowed to prowl the streets. Where is the protection from this wolf, where are the police who are meant to patrol these streets? This fear and anger may be with you for the rest of the day, and even into night-time. You may go to bed and not be able to sleep, continually thinking about your confrontation with the wolf, and thinking about all the different scenarios that could have happened. What if he had attacked you, and hurt you physically as well as mentally?

From now on you may be afraid to walk that street again, afraid of another encounter with the wolf.

Meeting the peaceful wolf

Now imagine walking down that same street, and a kind peaceful wolf was to come along and walk beside you. Imagine you decided to sit on a bench and this wolf came up and rested his head on your lap. He licks your hand, and you start to stroke him in return. As you scratch behind his ear, he tilts his head and pushes it further into your hand. He looks at you kindly and you genuinely believe he is smiling at you.

What would you do?

The chances are you would be relishing this moment, both you and the wolf would be interacting with each other. The more the wolf moves his head, the more you will stroke it.

How do you feel?

You may well start to feel a connection with the wolf, you may begin to feel compassionate towards him, a sense of joy, maybe even a sense of love towards the wolf.

It may be hard to leave the wolf, but the feelings from this encounter may stay with you for the rest of the day. When you go to bed you will sleep soundly, the compassion from the wolf still with you.

The following day you may walk that street looking for another encounter with the wolf and may even walk the streets many times and have many encounters with him, each one as enjoyable as the first.

Imagine you are the wolf?

Now imagine you are the angry wolf, snarling at everyone you meet, feeling hatred towards the people around you. How do you think that anger within you will affect other people you meet?

It is said that the anger within you is likely to affect other people you come into contact with. Those people carry that anger and pass it on to other people they meet. It is believed that the emotions you pass on to people around you will in turn be passed on to others and could be carried through three degrees of separation. This means your anger may be passed on to people you don’t know or have never met, Your anger could result in a complete stranger having a bad day, or even in extreme cases committing a crime.

It is likely that people may avoid you, not want to be friends with you. The people you are likely to attract are other angry wolves, all pooling their anger together.

But what if you were the peaceful wolf instead? You smiled at people around you, were friendly in your interactions with people, maybe even striking up a conversation with someone.

Just like anger, kindness also affects others around you. when you are kind to someone, they are more likely to be kind to someone too. As with anger, kindness can go through three degrees of separation. Your kindness could help a total stranger, someone you don’t know or have never met, to have a wonderful experience. In extreme cases, it could turn someone’s life around.

Studies have shown that kind people attract others towards them, they build stronger, more loving relationships with family, friends and work colleagues.

Summing up

Of course, as the grandfather said, there will be two wolves inside of us all. There are times when the angry wolf will be stronger and other times the kind peaceful wolf. We all have good days and bad days, happy times and sad. But imagine right now you had a choice; –

Which wolf would you feed?

Read more about Steve Emery and read his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Elevation is the emotion elicited when you see someone do something morally beautiful, such as helping someone in need. Try and think about the last time you experienced this. Perhaps it was seeing a video about a hard-working caregiver going above and beyond the call of duty during the Covid-19 crisis, or the work of rescuers during a natural disaster or on a smaller level someone going out of their way to help an elderly neighbour clear snow from their path?

How did you feel? What impact did it have on you? I hope to review what science tells us about this emotion and why it could be important to cultivate it.

A new emotion

Elevation or moral elevation, as it is sometimes known, was first described in the scientific literature as a distinct emotion as recently as 2000 by Jonathan Haidt. However, I’m sure we all recognise it has been around for much longer than that. Haidt (2000) characterised elevation as the emotion felt on witnessing the good and admirable deeds of others. This is experienced as a warmth in the chest accompanied by feeling uplifted and inspired, a sense of optimism about humanity and a motivation to behave more altruistically.

He argues that this is different from awe as it does not involve a sense of vastness and power and separate from inspiration in that it is always associated with a moral outcome rather than just excellence of achievement. Haidt (2000) suggests that elevation is the opposite of disgust, but like disgust has important functions in regulating our thoughts, feelings and behaviours.

What does science tell us about elevation?

A recent review of the literature on elevation (Thomson & Siegel 2017), looks at the research evidence. They suggest experiencing elevation:

●      Is associated with physiological responses such as increased heart rate, the release of oxytocin and simultaneous activation of sympathetic and parasympathetic nervous systems.

●      Promotes feelings of connection with, and optimism about, humanity.

●      Increases desire to be a better person and to pursue eudaimonic motives.

●      Encourages a sense of transcendence and spirituality, diminishing the value of material goals.

●      Increases openness in common with other positive emotions, as described in Fredrickson’s (1998) Broaden and Build theory.

●      Increases actual helping behaviour at an individual level.

●      Can promote more inclusive attitudes at a group level.

●      Can have a positive impact even in those who are depressed.

So, elevation gives you an injection of the feel-good cuddle hormone, helps you be more open, feel connected to others and hopeful about humanity, care less about stuff and more about meaning, reduces bias (racism, homophobia) and makes you more likely to help people.

OK I have overstated the evidence a little here, but this seems like an emotion that now, more than ever, we need to cultivate. As Thomson & Siegel (2017) suggest, there is a lot more research that needs to be done and studies need to be replicated and carried out across more diverse groups (although elevation does appear to be a cross-cultural phenomenon).

Dialectics and elevation

A particular gap in the research that I find interesting is the suggestion that elevation is not a purely positive emotion. One study reported by Thomson & Siegel (2017) found an increased experience of sadness accompanied the other emotions. This fits with some of my personal experiences of elevation. In extreme cases, moral acts result in the death of the person showing the helping behaviour. Think of teachers protecting children in school shootings, the valiant firefighters of New York City on 9/11 and the emotions which always come to me on Remembrance Sunday when I think of those (including my uncle) who gave their lives in conflict so that we might live in freedom.

I think elevation is a dialectic emotion and in many ways is indicative of what I believe Second Wave and indeed Third Wave Positive Psychology to be about. Honouring, striving for and promoting the best of what humanity can be, whilst acknowledging and building on the reality of pain and sacrifice in the pursuit of a better world. I am watching with interest the developing literature on elevation and what more the research can tell us about this complex and important emotion and how it might be harnessed in Positive Psychology Interventions to  have a role in healing some of humanity’s current problems.

A challenge to the media

We know that the media like bad news stories because they sell newspapers (clicks, advertising revenue or whatever the 21st Century equivalent is!). Our evolutionary pre-programmed negativity bias means we give more attention to negative than positive things as this helped us survive in cases of immediate physical threat. However, this natural hangover in the way our brain responds does not always serve us well in our complex modern world where threat is less immediate and physical but more social and existential.

The media sometimes does publish good news stories which promote elevation such as, in the UK, the 100th birthday walk of Captain Tom Moore, who raised over £30 million for the NHS. I suggest they have a responsibility to do more of this. It may not be what we think we want or what sells, but it is perhaps what humanity needs particularly during the dark days of the global pandemic. If we have hope in humanity and feel connected to others through elevation we can each take the small behavioural steps needed to show kindness and inspire others in a virtuous circle moving us towards a better world.

References:
Fredrickson, B.L. (1998). What Good are Positive Emotions? Review of General Psychology 2(3), 300-319.

Haidt, J. (2000). The positive emotion of elevation. Prevention & Treatment, 3, 1-5.

Thomson, A.L. & Siegel, J.T.  (2017) Elevation: A review of scholarship on a moral and other-praising emotion, The Journal of Positive Psychology, 12, 6, 628-638, DOI: 10.1080/17439760.2016.1269184

Read more about Sarah Monk and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Lockdown 2.0 is worse in many ways than the first because the novelty has worn off, the days are darker and colder and the uncertainty over money and employment is increasing.

Here are twelve key emotions, the impact they can have on your relationship and how to deal with them. The first 8 are negative emotions as these will be more likely. I have also listed 4 positive emotions that can be a wonderful antidote:

1.     Scared

This is one of the fundamental emotions that is really strong and visceral.

We may be scared that:

we or our loved ones will get ill and even die

we may lose our jobs and not find another one

we will run out of money and may even become homeless

our basic physiological and safety needs are under threat

life in the future will be very different

This is likely to trigger the primeval fight, flight or freeze response.  Our body will become flooded with adrenaline to get us ready to cope with the threat. Longer-term this can create significant physical and mental side effects.

How will this impact on our relationship?

You may go within ourselves, freeze in our internal comfort zone and be unwilling to be vulnerable, to share feelings or be intimate.  This could make your partner feel excluded and rejected and create a downward spiral.

How to manage this?

Share your feelings and get support from your partner. Physical contact and hugs are hugely important. Together you will be stronger.

2.     Helpless

This is where we feel impotent and out of control; being taken by the tide with no escape.  We can either focus on what we can change or feel that we are a victim of the circumstances.  We may catastrophise and focus on the negatives.  The glass may not even be half full; it may have disappeared

How will this impact on our relationship?

If your partner has similar emotions, you can end up dragging each other under. If they are being positive, you may find the mis-matching irritating and it could drive a wedge between you.

How to manage this?

You need to ask for help and get support and encouragement.  Having the sense that as a couple you can support each other through this and have something positive to look forward to and enjoy will be very powerful.

3.     Anxious

We may be worrying about the unknown future, finding it hard to sleep and worrying about what will happen next.

How will this impact on our relationship?

If you are both aligned, you could be helping each other to make mountains out of molehills.  If you are differentiated, then one may be frustrated that the other is seeing the world very differently. This could cause the relationship to start to drift apart

How to manage this?

Be open and honest about what you are both feeling and ensure that the anxiety is being listened to.  Work together to see what can be done to lessen that anxiety and bring more certainty into your lives.

4.     Overwhelmed

Our world has suddenly changed and become much more unpredictable. We may now be fulfilling the role of partner, parent, teacher, worker all in our home space. This is really hard to cope with and makes us less resilient.  The feeling of overwhelm is very likely as we no longer know which way is up and what the priorities are.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Your partner is likely to have different pressures and be responding in very different ways which could be immensely irritating!

How to manage this?

Accept that your partner is different and will be coping as best they can.

Be clear on the activities and decisions that you are jointly responsible for and agree who is doing what and what the priorities are.

Talk to each other about your own overwhelm list and see how you can support each other.

5.     Frustrated

Freedom to go out to the pub, restaurant and shops is now curtailed. Holidays are on ice and Christmas may not happen. There is nothing that we can do to change that no matter how much we curse and mutter.  We can only change how we allow this to affect us.

How will this impact on our relationship?

You may take out this frustration on each other by being bad tempered and moody. That is not good, particularly if your partner is also feeling vulnerable.

How to manage this?

Talk this through, voice your frustrations and then let them go as you jointly seek pleasure where it can be found.

6.     Irritated

Being locked in with your partner 24/7 without escape is a great opportunity to develop your relationship, free of distractions.  It can also become a living hell.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Your focus may start to be on all those things that they do that annoy you; the messy sink, shoes across the floor, inequality of effort on housework.  Little things can build to become profoundly irritating and you may take this out on each other with arguments, shouting and huffs.

How to manage this?

Raise these minor irritations before they fester.  Talk about them in the format of ‘When you leave your shoes across the floor, I feel annoyed and worried that I will trip up in the dark’ rather than ‘You are so messy and inconsiderate, clear up those shoes now.’

7.     Lonely

We may be separated from our friends and families. There is contact by phone, text and other apps but that is no substitute for physical touch. It can feel that you are adrift in this different world and just want to hide in your safe cave.

How will this impact on our relationship?

There may only be room for one in your cave, so your partner may feel excluded and unwanted.

How to manage this?

Talk about how you are feeling and what your partner can do to be alongside you and ensure the loneliness dissipates.  Hugs (at least 8 a day) and physical contact are really important.

8.     Sad

Sadness at what we have lost due to Lockdown is understandable. It is a place that can be strangely comfortable.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Sadness is a very individual emotion and, if held onto, could create a divide in your relationship

How to manage this?

Share and maybe shed some tears for what you have lost and then try and move on.

You cannot change what has happened, but you can change how you allow it to affect you in the future.

And now we move onto positive emotions that can be a great antidote to the negative ones above:

9.     Loving

One of the greatest gifts in life is a loving and fulfilling relationship.  In tough times love is hugely empowering.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Sharing love whilst navigating through tough times will make the relationship flourish and give you reassurance that together you can cope with a lot.

How to manage this?

Connect with that love you have for each other and spend time nourishing it.  Create moments of intimacy where it is as if the world has stopped and nothing else matters.

10.  Appreciated

Appreciation is hugely powerful but often fades with time in relationships. In difficult times it is particularly important as we may be feeling more vulnerable.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Knowing that your partner appreciates you can create a warm glow that lasts for hours or days. It will cause your relationship to blossom.

How to manage this?

Maybe share a list of 10 things that your partner generally does that you appreciate.

And then, regularly, say very specifically what your partner has done that day that you appreciate.

11.  Grateful

Gratitude is hugely important to our own sense of worth and purpose. In difficult times we often focus on what is wrong with our world.

How will this impact on our relationship?

Noticing the good things rather than focusing on the negatives can be uplifting to you and your relationship

How to manage this?

Every night before you go top sleep share three things with your partner that you are grateful for. It will get both of your subconscious minds into a positive frame before you go to sleep.

12.  Hopeful

The hope that all this difficulty will pass is really important and freeing.

How will this impact on our relationship?

It will help you both focus on a good future rather than being stuck in a difficult present. When the hope is shared it can blossom.

How to manage this?

Talk through the things that you are hoping for and your future dreams. Maybe draw, separately, pictures of your ideal future and share and discuss.

Read more about Neil Wilkie and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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This emotional weight is something we’ve been carrying all our lives. We’ve been packing a rucksack full of emotional rocks and carrying it on our backs for 20, 40, 60+ years. In 2020 with all the challenges we’ve faced and are still facing, we’ve taken on even more emotional weight, we’ve put even more rocks in our rucksack. Right now, it’s REALLY heavy. And that is taking its toll.

It’s time to lose that weight.

Feel it to heal it

Have you ever noticed how light you feel after a good cry? That’s because you took an emotional rock out of your rucksack. Have you noticed how relieved you feel when you have that honest conversation with someone and express your truth? That’s because you took an emotional rock out of your rucksack.

Expressing pent up emotions is healthy, natural, powerful and I’m going to teach you a way that you can do it entirely alone. Emptying your emotional rucksack is all about you and what you’re holding on to. You don’t need the object of your anger/ pain/ sadness etc. to be there with you. You don’t need anything in the outside world to ‘change’ or ‘receive’ or ‘respond to’ your emotions. You have the power to transmute it all by yourself.

Not only have I experienced this type of emotional weight loss in my own life with fantastic results, I’ve helped coaching clients to do the same and in a matter of minutes, they too are able to remove emotional rocks from their rucksack. It’s so freeing!

How not to deal with emotions

Before we get into the ‘how to’ of emotional weight loss let’s just clarify what we normally do which doesn’t work: we stuff our emotions back in. We ignore them, suppress them and we distract ourselves from them. We try to analyse them out of existence, fix them in our minds and project them onto other people and the world around us. We drown them in wine and cover them in food. We dress them up with a new handbag, a fancy car, another zero on our bank balance or another trophy for the mantlepiece. We have many creative strategies to try and ‘make ourselves feel better’ but unfortunately these strategies are useless. All they do is serve as sticky plasters which keep the pain pent up inside us, waiting for the next opportunity to rear its head.

Whilst we’re not going to get rid of our pains forevermore – and nor should we try to, emotions are part of who we are – we can handle them in a more healthy and helpful way. We can reduce their intensity and charge so that they don’t drive such dysfunctional behaviour as mentioned above.

The process for losing emotional weight

So here it is. When you’re feeling any difficult emotion, simply follow these steps:

1. Label your emotion

E.g. anger, sadness, depression, hopelessness, fear, frustration and so on.

2. Find it in the body

Scan your body and sense where this emotion is held. E.g. do you feel it in your chest? Is it in your shoulders or stomach? It could be anywhere, there is no right or wrong. Trust your bodily wisdom to tell you the answer.

3. Give it a score out of 10

How intense is this emotion out of 10? Don’t think about this, just answer intuitively.

4.  Focus all your awareness on the part of your body that houses the emotion

If you’re unsure what this means, just try it now by focussing on any part of your body – your left foot, right hand, your nose, your back. Send your awareness to that area. That’s all there is to it.

5.  Get curious about the emotion

Now that your awareness is focussed on the part of your body that holds the emotion, answer the following questions intuitively (there is no right or wrong answer and no judgement or analysis is required).

• Does your emotion have a colour, shape or size? If so, what is it?
• Is it moving?
• What if you were to touch it, what does it feel like?
• Does it have a temperature?
• Does it have a sound?

The answer to these questions could be anything at all. I’ve visualised rocks in my chest, rusty metal in my neck, heat and redness on my face. Yeah, it sounds bizarre and that might put you off – but you need to get over that if you want the gold at the end of this rainbow.

6. Just keep focussing on it. Watch it. Feel it.

7.  A few minutes later ask again:

• Is it changing? Maybe it has turned from anger to sadness. Maybe it hasn’t. That’s fine, too.
• Is it moving, has it gone to another part of your body?
• What does it look/ feel/ sound like now?
• How strong is it out of 10?

8.  Keep focussing on it. Watch it. Feel it.

You may have bodily expressions such as tears, rocking, facial expressions – this is all fine. What you resist persists so give these experiences space and allow them to be.

9.  Continue to focus and check in every few minutes with question 7.

Follow your own intuition on how often you need to ‘check-in’. Don’t do it too frequently as this can over-engage your mind and take your focus away from the body. But also, don’t leave it too long as these check-in questions help you to maintain focus on the emotion.

10.  Continue until you feel complete.

The results

This process is about pure, non-judgemental observation with no need to ‘fix’ or ‘improve’ anything about yourself. It’s very important that you do it with that pure intention in mind. If you do, the end result is this: the emotion will dissipate. You will have taken an emotional rock out of your rucksack. You will have lost some emotional weight.

It sounds simple. It is.

Tips

Many of us are not used to ‘feeling our feelings’. Part of that is conditioning from our childhood and part of it is because our brain associates pain with death so, understandably it doesn’t want us to feel it. We have to train ourselves in this process of reconnecting with our body and not running away from our pain, not running away from ourselves. You might not get your emotional intensity to zero the first time, or every time. That’s OK. Just practise being in the body. Just practise feeling.

In terms of how long it takes to go through this process, you may spend 10, 30 even 60+ minutes in one sitting. It’s personal to you but there are no shortcuts.

When you start out with this process it can help to have someone guide you through it by reading out the questions above. Soon, you will be very adept at doing it alone.

If you do try this out I’d love to hear your experiences. Leave them in the comments.

Please note: this process should not replace consultation or treatment by a trained healthcare professional.

Find out more about Pinky and read her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post How to Lose Emotional Weight appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

One criticism of Positive Psychology (PP) has been that it focuses too much on positivity and neglects the reality of suffering as part of human experience. This results from a misperception of what PP is really about. The emergence of PP was indeed a reaction to a historical overemphasis in psychological research, theory and practice on psychopathology or what goes wrong with us. However, examining and promoting what goes right with us does not mean we aim to all go around grinning like Cheshire cats all the time. That would be unrealistic and we know this kind of expectation that can hamper rather than promote happiness. The term PP does lend itself to such an image but in this blog I argue that both positive and negative emotions are an essential part of PP and that true thriving is often found is often found in the dialectical balance where they meet.

What good are negative emotions?

We need negative emotions, without them we wouldn’t have evolved and we wouldn’t survive today. Negative emotions like fear, anger and disgust are a necessary call to action. They tell us something is wrong, they marshall our attention and narrow our focus to solve the problem. They are associated with the flight or fight response of the sympathetic nervous system which produces the physical changes the body needs to respond to a threat often before we’ve cognitively assessed the challenge. These responses were developed through natural selection because those who could respond better to the threat of physical harm lived longer and reproduced.

In modern society we fortunately face threat to life and limb less often but negative emotional responses remain important indicators that shouldn’t be ignored. If we feel regret it can tell us we need to put right something we have done. We may need to feel anger to stand up to unfairness or frustration to make us keep trying. All emotional states have an adaptive value including “negative” ones. Problems can arise if the physical stress responses to such situations are not dissipated through action. There aren’t too many sabre toothed tigers to run away from today and most of our fears relate to how we might be perceived by others which we then ruminate on or suppress rather than resolve, when what we need to do is ascertain what the emotion is telling us, work out if an action is needed and then either act on it or allow the emotion to dissipate.

One further complication is the negativity bias. Due to the evolutionary importance of negative emotions they carry more weight in the moment than positive states do. Simply “bad is stronger than good”. If you miss one beautiful sunset it’s not the end of the world, if you miss that snake you’re about to step on it could be. So that is how we’re programmed negative emotions, evaluations, words and even smells have a bigger effect on us and draw our attention more than their positive equivalents.

The functions of positive emotions

Positive emotions are quite different from negative emotions. They arise in times of safety and rest rather than threat and are not associated with particular physiological responses or a need to act. In fact research suggests positive emotions are linked to a broadening of attentional focus rather than the narrowing associated with negative emotions. This broadening leads to a state of consciousness where individuals experience a wider than normal range of perceptions, thought and actions. In short positive emotions help us look up and out, be more creative, perceptive, open, inclusive and social. The flexibility of this momentary broadened mindset promotes the development of personal physical, social, intellectual and psychological resources over time. In the long term positive emotions help us build resilience. In the development of complex human societies, where daily survival is less of a struggle these skills became vital for evolution.

Balancing the positive and negative

So both positive and negative emotions have important functions from an evolutionary point of view and remain vital to us in negotiating our human existence. However, negative emotions have a stronger effect. Also some people don’t seem to know how to engage with positive emotions or fear that doing so will jinx them. Research suggests that we need to experience more positive than negative emotions to overcome the negativity bias and enable wellbeing. There is considerable debate about the ratio involved but it seems that being able to enhance our positive emotions when necessary and recognise, appropriately utilise and manage our negative emotions can provide a balance that promotes flourishing. There are many well developed therapeutic approaches such as cognitive behavioural therapy which can help in understanding and managing negative emotions. PP is necessary because we also need to know how and when to access and utilise our positive emotions to best effect.

Second Wave PP

Second Wave PP aims to go beyond the simplicity of “positive” and “negative” emotions. It aims to help us achieve an emotional agility which looks at what emotions are telling us in particular contexts and how to use them and manage them to help us in the circumstances we face. Indeed many emotions such as hope and compassion encompass both positive and negative elements. The reality of human experience is that we all face both joy and suffering and the full range of emotions are necessary to allow us to survive, develop, love, thrive, fail, and grow. Learning to recognise, accept and harness our emotional resources in balance to face the particular challenges of today and seek the meaning that leads us to tomorrow is the path to wellbeing in our nuanced and complex existence.

About the author: Sarah Monk

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The classic “go to” piece of advice when you find yourself worried, anxious, grieving,  broken hearted, or angry is near enough always the same: “distract yourself” or “try to take your mind off of things”. These phrases are much more easier said than done. We may find they go over our heads along with the other valuable pick me up points “things will get better”, “just try to stay positive” that our loved ones wrap us in when feeling low. We grow bored and frustrated at ourselves for feeling down, but do not have the energy or information about what to do to pick ourselves up. Which arguably, results in then feeling even worse. Welcome, the vicious cycle of negative thinking. We may be able to identify we need to change something, but when has anyone asked “when are you finding yourself in flow?”

The founder of Flow

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi is a highly respected researcher within the field of positive psychology. Interestingly, his research began following the devastation that followed World War II. Csikszentmihalyi became interested in the science of happiness and how to create more of it after witnessing so much pain and suffering. The way in which Csikszentmihalyi first came to investigate happiness I feel is particularly significant. When are we most likely to look for happiness? When we are down and when we are suffering.  Yet, when we are happy, how often do we pause to reflect on the present moments that are making us feel joy, contentment and love? Not enough. Perhaps the moments in which we find ourselves blissfully happy we should actively pay more attention to, not only to practise gratitude but to actually enable ourselves to have a greater understanding of what we are doing, who we are with, when we are happy.   Csikszentmihalyi (2000) describes “flow” as the moments in time in which we find ourselves thinking creatively and productively, stretching our minds to its limits. If you’re unsure if you have ever experienced flow have a think about the following:

Do you engage in any activities in which you enjoy so much you lose track of time?

Have you ever found yourself so immersed in a task you have completely forgotten about any troubles from earlier on that day?

What do you find rewards you and fulfils you?

What challenges you, but excites you at the same time?

What do tasks can you perform at ease, but with enjoyment?

What challenges you just enough that you enjoy it but not so much that you dread it?

These are the points in time in which you are likely to be experiencing flow. Neurologically, when we experience flow, evidence suggests there is a decrease in prefrontal cortex activity. During this down-regulation the prefrontal context may cause distortion of time and limit self-jeopardising thoughts (Dietrich.,  2003).  This allows for concentration of neurological activity within the creative parts of our brain that allow us to be creative and imaginative to become active. The state of flow has also been found to increase levels of dopamine and therefore our feelings of reward and pleasure (Dietrich., 2004).

Apartment project

This year, I have begun to battle with regular low mood. Not only did I grow tired from negative thoughts and experiencing low self-esteem, I noticed those around me were becoming frustrated too. We can pay for the most expensive therapy we can find, or hear the best advice in the world, but I strongly hold the belief that unless an individual wants to make a change themselves, it will not happen. The desire to change has to come from within an individual. I was motivated to change my mood but struggled to think of how.

Finding a new project, hobby or interest I have come to believe is key to getting over the inevitable negativities in life. I decided, I wanted to do something for myself,  that I could be proud of. So I decided to begin the process of buying my own property. Change can be good, and whilst I appreciate my ‘project’ was rather extreme, there is nothing to say trying a new sport, starting a new cooking class or getting a new pet can’t free your mind in the same way. With a new space to fill and a new chapter of my life set to begin I have channelled all my energy into colour schemes, furniture renovation and creating mood boards. I found myself looking at my phone less and the negative thoughts I was experiencing back in January… well quite simply I did not have time for.  I was meeting new people and learning new things I never had to contemplate before e.g. the role of solicitors in buying a house.  I found myself laughing again and motivated to get up in the morning. Having a new project seemed to realign my perspective and remind me of what I truly value. I was consistently experiencing, flow.

Find your own

All our problems and heartaches must be dealt with and treated correctly for us to move on. I am under no illusion they should be ignored in favour of a new project, pet or sport. Negative feelings need to be acknowledged and adhered to. However, I have come to believe the process of acknowledging those feelings is considerably easier to do when you find your own flow activity. If nothing else, flow reminds you that life continues regardless of how you may feel at the present time. I encourage anyone who is feeling a bit down to start something new and channel negative energy as soon as they can. The energy we have to be sad, angry, disappointed is arguably better channelled on something rewarding than wasted in a bottle of wine, argument or wasted week on the sof

References

Dietrich, A. (2003). Functional neuroanatomy of altered states of consciousness: the transient hypofrontality hypothesis. Consciousness and cognition, 12(2), 231-256.

Dietrich, A. (2004). Neurocognitive mechanisms underlying the experience of flow. Consciousness and Cognition, 13(4), 746-761.

Seligman, M. E., & Csikszentmihalyi, M. (2014). Positive psychology: An introduction. In Flow and the foundations of positive psychology (pp. 279-298). Springer, Dordrecht.

About the Author: Amy Poole a University of Essex graduate and currently a second year Positive Psychology Masters student with Buckinghamshire new university. Amy has several published pieces and displays a keen interest in mental wellbeing, humor and gratitude. Amy works in partnership with Wellbeing Suffolk to manage a team, whom give advice to individuals suffering work related stress and anxiety.

The post Getting your flow appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

For me, music is emotion. It really has the power to touch me in an emotional way. It can make me cry, but it can also give me energy when I feel tired, or it can bring me in a good mood when I feel a bit down. Fortunately for me, being moved to tears by music is not unusual.  A research at the University of North Carolina showed that 89,8 percent of the people in their study reported that they experienced feelings like crying by hearing music.

Music as a medicine

Music can be so much more than just some melody. It can be balm for the soul, but also promote the mental and social development of people.  We can benefit from listening to music and from making music. It mobilizes the brain and produces happy hormones. That is why many experts today don’t consider it just as a hobby, but also use it as a therapeutic tool in medicine.

Research has linked music to a number of health benefits. It can affect the entire human body. In fact, it can boost immune function and even change the heartbeat, blood pressure and muscle tension of a human being. It can actually affect the hormone balance. It seems that, depending on the type of music, various hormones are released. Fast and aggressive music release adrenalin, whereas gentle and quiet sounds release norepinephrine. The latter can reduce the release of stress hormones. I can relate to this as I experience this every time I practice yoga. The peaceful yoga music can bring me instantly in a calm state of mind. Recently, I experienced an evening of sound healing and that was incredible. The metal bowls produce a deep sound and vibrations that bring you in a complete state of relaxation and connect you with your inner world. The sounds also improve your brain waves. It was a truly wonderful experience.

The use of music in therapeutic areas has proved to be very effective, especially in psychiatry and pain therapy, as music can actually soothe pain. What is even more, music can also help to form new nerve connections, which makes it an interesting tool in the rehabilitation of stroke patients and also within geriatrics.

Music connects people

Music is a very special language, one that everyone understands and that is why it can connect people from all over the world. A proof of this is the ‘Imagine Mosul’ project that was launched in 2017 by a Belgian journalist, Rudi Vranckx. When he made a TV report about the liberation of Mosul, he found out that the music school was completely destroyed by IS, as they think that music is unholy. He gathered as much instruments as he could in Belgium and brought them to Mosul so that the music school could be rebuilt. The operation, named ‘Imagine Mosul’, after the song of John Lennon, was a huge success. That is why Rudi now has created ‘Imagine Home’, to help young refugees that had to leave everything behind and want to build a new future over here. Playing music can give them a sense of peace, a feeling of coming home. I hope it will be as successful as the first operation.

So music has many benefits, even in the medical world. Nevertheless, I don’t want to think too much about the scientific explanations, I just want to enjoy the music and when I am not on my way to work I will just cry my eyes out until the end of the song

De kracht van muziek

Herken je dat gevoel wanneer je in de auto zit te luisteren naar muziek en dan draaien ze een nummer dat je raakt, dat je herinnert aan iemand of een bepaalde situatie en wham, daar komen de tranen. Ik wel. Heel vervelend als je op weg bent naar je werk en je make-up niet wilt verknoeien. Dus dan moet ik echt van kanaal wisselen! Ik zoek dan een uptime nummer en begin gewoon mee te zingen om van mijn tranen te stoppen.

Voor mij is muziek emotie. Muziek kan mij echt op een emotionele manier raken. Het kan me doen huilen, maar het kan me ook energie geven als ik me moe voel, en het kan me in een goed humeur brengen als ik me een beetje down voel. Gelukkig voor mij is het niet ongewoon dat ik tot tranen toe geroerd ben door muziek. Een onderzoek aan de Universiteit van North Carolina toonde aan dat 89,8 procent van de mensen in hun studie meldden dat ze bij het horen van bepaalde muziek begonnen huilen. Oef.

Muziek als medicijn

Muziek kan zoveel meer zijn dan alleen maar een melodie. Het kan balsem voor de ziel zijn, maar het kan ook de mentale en sociale ontwikkeling van mensen bevorderen. Luisteren naar muziek of zelf muziek maken verhoogt onze staat van welzijn, omdat het hormonen produceert die ons gelukkig die ons gelukkig maken. Dat is de reden waarom veel experts het tegenwoordig niet alleen als een hobby beschouwen, maar het ook als een therapeutisch hulpmiddel in de geneeskunde gebruiken.

Onderzoek heeft muziek gekoppeld aan een heel aantal gezondheidsvoordelen. Het kan het hele menselijke lichaam beïnvloeden. In feite kan het de immuunfunctie versterken en zelfs de hartslag, bloeddruk en spierspanning van een mens veranderen. Het kan zelfs de hormoonbalans beïnvloeden. Het lijkt erop dat, afhankelijk van het soort muziek, verschillende hormonen vrijkomen. Snelle en agressieve muziek laat adrenaline vrij, terwijl zachte en stille geluiden norepinephrine afgeven. Dit laatste zorgt ervoor dat onze stresshormonen verminderen. Ik ervaar dit elke keer als ik yoga beoefen. De rustige yogamuziek brengt me onmiddellijk in een rustige gemoedstoestand. Onlangs maakte ik een avond van sound healing mee en dat was een ongelooflijke ervaring. De geluiden en vibraties brengen je in een complete staat van ontspanning en verbinden je met je innerlijke wereld. Blijkbaar verbeteren de geluiden ook je hersengolven. Ik had nooit kunnen vermoeden dat het horen van die trillingen zo ontspannend zou zijn.

Het gebruik van muziek in therapeutische gebieden is zeer effectief gebleken, vooral bij psychiatrie en pijntherapie, omdat muziek pijn echt kan verzachten. Wat nog meer is, het kan zelfs  helpen om nieuwe zenuwverbindingen in ons brein  te vormen, wat het een interessant hulpmiddel maakt in de revalidatie van patiënten met een beroerte en ook in geriatrie.

Muziek verbindt mensen

Muziek is een heel speciale taal, een taal die iedereen begrijpt en daarom mensen van over de hele wereld met elkaar kan verbinden. Een bewijs hiervan is het ‘Imagine Mosul’-project dat in 2017 werd gelanceerd door een Belgische journalist, Rudi Vranckx. Toen hij een tv-verslag maakte over de bevrijding van Mosul, ontdekte hij dat de muziekschool volledig was vernietigd door IS, omdat ze denken dat muziek des duivels is. Hij verzamelde zoveel mogelijk instrumenten in België en bracht ze naar Mosul zodat de muziekschool kon worden herbouwd. De operatie, genaamd ‘Imagine Mosul’, naar het lied van John Lennon, was een groot succes. Daarom heeft Rudi nu ‘Imagine Home’ gemaakt om jonge vluchtelingen te helpen die alles achter moeten laten en een nieuwe toekomst willen opbouwen. Muziek spelen kan hen een gevoel van vrede geven, een gevoel van thuiskomen. Ik hoop dat het net zo succesvol zal zijn als de eerste operatie.

Dus muziek heeft immens veel voordelen, zelfs in de medische wereld. Toch wil ik niet te veel nadenken over de wetenschappelijke verklaringen, ik wil gewoon van de muziek genieten en als ik niet op weg ben naar mijn werk, zal ik gewoon mijn tranen de vrije loop laten tot het einde van het nummer.

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What are ambivalent emotions?

The research into emotions uses different terms to study the varied feelings we have: complex, granular, diverse, and creative to name but a few. These all refer to the broad range of emotions felt at a given time or across a timeframe. It is becoming generally understood that it’s a good thing to have lots of varied emotions as this creates a richer experience and stronger cognitive reasoning. Part of this richness is ambivalent feelings: the simultaneous experience of feeling positive and negative emotions at the same time. There are however numerous studies which suggest this is a bad state to be in, as people become indecisive and focus on negative feelings to try to reduce the ambivalence.  For instance, some research states that being ambivalent makes people inflexible and disengaged from others.

But is it all bad?

Recently it has been found that if someone has empathy for another person, even when feeling ambivalent, the mixed emotions felt will strengthen the empathic behaviour. This makes sense when we look at compassion which is triggered by feeling someone else’s pain, but also feeling courageous and hopeful in helping them.  Here the paradox of feeling good and bad at the same time is the driver towards the compassionate act.

Other research posits ambivalent emotions encourages one to reflect on why the uncomfortable feelings are there, which broadens out one’s perspective. Ambivalence means paying more attention to what is happening and what is being said. In effect it creates more balanced consideration of other people and other options.  In organisations it is a precursor to accepting change and develops resilience.

Ambivalence is also a form of wisdom due to the willingness to be more open and thoughtful of other perspectives. It has been found that these ambivalent experiences enable much more accurate and fruitful decision making and judgement. Conversely, when feeling only positive or negative emotions, one’s perspective is much narrower, leading to the consideration of fewer options and less accuracy in choosing the right solution.

Welcoming in the New Year

So whatever you feel about 2019 and what’s ahead of you, remember that it’s a good thing to have mixed feelings. Use the ambivalence to open your mind to wider perspectives which could help you find an idea or solution that is more creative than one you might otherwise have come up with. And tune into your empathy (for yourself and others) as that will mean you will strengthen the positive power your ambivalence creates. Embrace the New Year with both trepidation and excitement and you might find it turns into a great year!

So I’d like to wish you an ambivalent 2019!

About the author: Lisa Jones

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
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Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
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