What happens when we do things we don’t value?

If we define values as things that are most meaningful and important to us, then being out of alignment with them would simply mean spending lots of time, effort and energy focussing on things that are not meaningful or important to us. This might manifest as working 80 hours a week when what you value most is time with your kids. Or, sitting in accounts all day when what you value most is art and creativity. Or, being a stay at home parent when what you value most is your career. It may manifest as being in a relationship with the wrong person, living in the wrong place, hanging out with the wrong social group. Anything that creates a discord deep inside you is usually something that is not aligned to who you truly are and what you truly value.

This discord, this misalignment, may be experienced as feelings of dissatisfaction, lethargy, confusion, restriction, hopelessness, unfulfillment, boredom and resentment – just to name a few! The longer we stay in these states, the longer we wake up each day and force ourselves to do things that have little meaning to us the more out of sync with our core selves we become. The more out of sync we become, the more stressed we become because, we’re not meant to live out of alignment with our truth. We are here to express our unique and authentic nature otherwise, why aren’t we all built as carbon copies of each other? We are different and we value different things. That is to be celebrated, honoured and lived.

When we experience chronic stress caused by chronic negation of our values, we become governed by the most primitive part of our brain that elicits anger and resentment, anxiety and escapism, depression and avoidance. The pain of ignoring our own values not only makes us miserable, but it makes us rigid, closed and resistant. This is the opposite of the openness and adaptability that signifies resilience.

What happens when we do things that we do value?

When you are living authentically, when you are doing what is truly important to you, you reduce the inner turmoil and discord mentioned above. Therefore, you also reduce the chronic stress. When your brain is no longer in a state of chronic stress, the primitive part of your brain that was in control can now relax, opening your mind up to activate much more advanced cerebral faculties.

These faculties governed by the prefrontal cortex enable you to do many of the things that resilient people do such as being creative, hopeful, flexible and optimistic. You can come up with new ideas, solve problems, plan and think strategically. You can regulate your emotions and you can respond to life in new, considered and expansive ways. These are all skills and behaviours that are essential in bouncing back from life’s challenges, adapting to change and being resilient. You physically and mentally cannot access these sophisticated capabilities when you’re in a state of chronic stress.

Living to your values might not be easy but, it’s worth it

I can imagine many people reading this might be thinking: ‘Well, just because I value travel and exploration, that doesn’t mean I can quit my job and go and do that full time, I’ve got bills to pay!’. Or, ‘I value my career but, my partner will be unhappy if I don’t stay at home with the kids!’. And such similar thoughts.

I get that. Totally. I come from a strict, traditional Indian family who expect a million and one things from me that I have not, and will not adhere to because, those things don’t align with my values. It’s not easy to go against the grain, to switch up the game. To live to your values, you may have to break some rules, upset some people, face ridicule and judgement from others. You may feel guilty and ashamed. You may have to face change and upheaval, loss and fear. You might not win straight away, in fact, you may fall flat on your face a few times! I know I have. The path of living to our values is not always lined with roses. It’s a warrior’s journey and it’s up to you if you want to take it.

One thing I can attest to though, from my own experience and observation is that as soon as you begin to take this journey, you will start unleashing the resilience required to get through such a brave move. You will start to find an inner strength and adaptability that enables you to handle the negative judgement or rejection by others and, overcome the fear and challenges that come your way. When you step off the path of extrinsic values – things that other people made you think are important – and step onto the path of your own intrinsic values, you are developing deep courage. You are putting yourself in sync with something very powerful – your soul, your spirit, your true nature. And now, life starts to open up, almost as if by magic. Your mind, body and soul become fortified and you realise you can do things that you previously thought impossible; because, you are now much more resilient. Furthermore, you experience greater wellbeing and happiness, you experience flow instead of force, energy instead of lethargy, inspiration rather than desperation. It’s a beautiful place to be!

The catch 22 however, is that you won’t see proof of any of that unless you take the first and often scary step to do what’s important to you, say what’s important to you and choose what’s important to you. But as the old adage goes, a journey of a thousand miles begins with a single step. I hope you take that step today.

About the author: Pinky Jangra

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Unknown waters

In leadership you sometimes have to lead into unknown waters if you want things to continue to grow. Therefore, you need to feel comfortable in what is not yet to be seen and trust the flow of experience to bring you exactly at the right destination as well as guide the people you are leading. In your uncertainty you need to still provide the confidence, faith and trust as you stand in your authenticity.

To be a leader you need to learn the balance of when to let things go, which no longer serve a purpose, no matter how long the process has been in place with bringing in changes that are needed to move things forward. It is also knowing that not everyone you meet along your leadership journey will complete the whole journey with you. It is about having integrity and knowing that your leadership has a ripple effect into the world as you interact with each person you meet. This is about shining your light bright so each person you work with increases in their light as they work with you. When you keep your leadership authentic, honest and positive you will always be a blessing in this world, because you have encouraged and enhanced someone else’s self-worth and self-love. You become a beacon to make a positive difference in the world.

Being an authentic leader

Being an authentic leader is about having the necessary knowledge and skill and being able to apply them appropriately. It is also about being connected to your true purpose, staying true to your values and appreciating the work you do and the people you lead. It’s about knowing your fears and not armouring yourself against them as this blocks the flow of leadership and disconnects the relationships you build as your fears become the leader and not you. It is about active listening to all the people involved and balancing this with listening to your inner voice. It is like being the conductor in an orchestra where you bring harmony to all, as you create your masterpiece.

Authentic Leadership requires dedication, determination and drive. It requires you to do the inner work, the internal transformation work as understanding yourself with great clarity is essential. This is so your limiting beliefs, which will be there don’t restrict you. So, they don’t bound you in those fears. It helps you keep focused and liberates you into the greatness being a leader has. It is about understanding the potential within, so it can emerge into the external world. The more you get to know yourself, the deeper connection you have with yourself and the more empowering to others you become.

About the author: Kelly Seaward became a teacher in 2003, graduating from The Central School of Speech and Drama. She is also a qualified hypnotherapist, counsellor and psychotherapist. Currently she is a MAPP student at New Bucks University. Kelly specialises in mental health and well-being for teachers and helps teachers to reconnect to their passion for teaching.
www.positiveteachertherapy.weebly.com

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Religion and Positive Psychology

A number of prominent positive psychologists have been clear that they don’t believe in God. For me, Positive Psychology (PP) research is an affirmation of my Christian beliefs. That is not to say that I believe PP either proves or disproves the existence of God, nor should it try to. Without uncertainty there is no need for faith, which is a key element of all religions. However, psychology still seems to shy away from discussion of religion and spirituality, despite the clear evidence of their importance to well-being. There are a number of mechanisms that could explain the relationship between religiousness, spirituality and well-being and these should be explored. However, the possibility that there might just be something more going on here should not be ignored either.

But Is It Science?

Perhaps, part of the issue is Psychology’s struggle to be seen as a serious empirical subject. The physicists in my family do like to tease me that psychology is not a real science and in a way they’re right, human complexities are really hard to study with any objectivity. In the dim and distant past when I studied psychology at undergraduate level, the focus was very much on cognitive and behavioural models with virtually no mention of conceptions of humanity or values. But we cannot escape our values as they influence even the questions we ask. This means we need to be explicit about them.

The Humanistic Basis of Positive Psychology

Positive Psychology in practice is based on the fundamental assumptions of Carl Rogers’ humanistic tradition. Rogers proposed that humans have an innate tendency to know what they need and move towards this “self actualisation” or personal fulfilment. However,  ideal conditions of “unconditional positive regard” or nurturing and acceptance of the person, especially in relationships, are necessary, for this to happen. This process of growth towards “fully functioning” becomes disturbed when the social environment imposes “conditions of worth”, or conditional acceptance, on the person. Thus in order to develop we need to learn to listen to our inner voice of wisdom, and act in accordance with this resisting external pressures. This tradition is overtly not religious and is scientifically rooted, however, it is still value ladened. It is also consistent with Christianity and I have no difficulty in reconciling this position with my religious beliefs.

Know your values, live your values.

My scientific background still makes it hard for me to talk about values in psychology, why is that? Perhaps because any talk of values automatically makes us think of comparing our values to others or trying to get others to adopt our values. That is certainly not my intention. However, the more I read about PP the more convinced I become that we cannot escape our values and actually we have a responsibility to ourselves to explore what these are. This is a hard process, evolving over time and for me has been done in the context of my Christian beliefs and my psychological knowledge. My discussions with friends at church and Bible study are quite similar to MAPP weekend group explorations and both have been, and continue to be, vital for me in growing as a person.

What worries me is, if my colleague is correct and such issues are not typical conversation topics, how do people engage with understanding their values without the benefit of a MAPP course or a religious context? My fear for our society is that they don’t. The problem is that it is only when we are clear about our own values that we can try to act in accordance with them. It is when we live our values that we experience a sense of authenticity and create meaning for ourselves which allows us to flourish.

About the Author: Read more about Sarah Monk

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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