In this blog I hope to explore how awareness and acceptance of the messages our emotions bring us can influence our resilience. I contrast this with our natural tendency to resist, struggle with, control or rationalise our emotional experiences.

Psychology has great difficulty in defining what we mean by emotion. In this context I am characterising it as a combination of iteratively interactive internal experiences associated with physiological changes in the body plus associated cognitions and action tendencies. Many psychological approaches distinguish between cognitions and emotions and indeed we experience our thoughts and feelings differently but in practice they are usually closely linked and hard to separate. The ideas of acceptance discussed here apply equally to feelings, thoughts and sensations.

Our information alert systems

I describe these three elements of physiological symptoms or sensations (such as anxiety “butterflies in the tummy”), emotions and cognitions as different types of messages about something in our environment that our biological, evolutionary and personal learning histories want to draw our attention to. These are our incoming data alerts, rather like different types of pop ups we might see from email, messaging, social media etc when we are working on a document. Our challenge is to decide how to relate to these messages, (which alerts have important information, which are unhelpful) and how we respond to them in a flexible and considered way that helps us live a full and meaningful life rather than being hijacked by them. What we do know about emotions is that they are generally short lived experiences that pass in their own time and they are not easily controlled by force of will, they run their own course.

Resilience

The metaphor I like best for explaining the many different definitions of resilience is that of a tree in a strong wind. Resilience is represented by the tree that can bend in the wind rather than break (resistance resilience), that bounces back quickly to its previous shape once the wind abates (recovery or normalisation resilience) and that is strengthened following the storm and continues to grow (transformation resilience).

The obvious response to a strong wind or emotional turmoil might be to resist it. The basic, immediate threat response of our evolved brain and physiological systems when faced with challenge is to resist, fight, struggle or run away or freeze. As I’ve previously discussed, this works well with physical threats but less so with emotional or social threats.

In everyday culture we tend to think of resilience skills as relating to strength, perseverance, courage, grit and endurance. But can our inclination to struggle and persist in fact hinder us sometimes? The tree that bends flexibly is the one that survives to bounceback and grow.

Experiential avoidance and the control agenda

Our evolutionary programming means when difficult emotions (and the thoughts and sensations associated with them) come up generally our first response is to get rid of them or control them. We do this in lots of creative ways; by pushing them away through distraction and denial, rationalisation and telling ourselves to think positively, opting out of the things which trigger the difficulty or using substances like sugar, alcohol, drugs etc. In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) this is known as experiential avoidance. We all do this and in moderation it can be a really useful short term strategy. The fact that it works to help us feel better temporarily reinforces this avoidance behaviour and sometimes it is even a helpful strategy in the long run as some minor problems or challenges do go away over time. Often however, this is an ineffective way of dealing with real problems in the long run as the issue typically resurfaces.

In addition the time, energy and resources involved in struggling with, and suppressing the painful feelings and associated thoughts has a psychological cost (and sometimes a practical and financial one too). I am sure we can all recognise the frustration of procrastinating about handling a task for days whilst plagued with feelings of discomfort, inadequacy and fear with accompanying thoughts of, “I can’t do it, I’m not good enough”. Only to find the task eventually takes us less time than we thought and turns out OK. Writing this blog has been an example for me!

Our culture feeds us the idea that we should be in control of our thoughts and feelings (see my previous blog on control and wellbeing

https://www.thepositivepsychologypeople.com/positive-psychology-control-and-wellbeing/) which along with our natural biological threat response exacerbates this struggle and amplifies the difficult emotions. It’s very easy to get anxiety about your anxiety, or be cross that you can’t just get on with the task. You’re then not only dealing with the original difficult emotions but all the secondary ones too.

In reality there is much in life we cannot control and hanging on rigidly to this “control agenda”, can therefore be unhelpful. Of course it is important to have good problem focused coping skills and deal with our issues in a practical way. Lots of self help programs, coaching and therapy are rightly focused around helping people find ways to define, prioritise, break down and make progress towards solutions to their problems. However, what happens when there is an issue we can’t just solve, such as a family member who has an addiction and doesn’t want to change, the death of a close friend, the issue of climate change, the conflicts in Ukraine and Gaza? When we are left with unresolvable situations, is there a better way to deal with our painful emotions than just trying to get rid of them or being controlled or paralysed by them?

Acceptance

An alternative approach is the path of acceptance. This is not about giving up but is an active, flexible way of relating and responding to emotional experiences.  Acceptance is about:

• Being able to recognise, name, acknowledge and sit with our difficult feelings without judgement and without trying to change them.
• Understanding the messages these are giving us about something that matters to us in our life (our values).
• Recognising that this challenge is an integral part of being human because the things we care about by definition have the power to cause us pain when they don’t work out as we would like (“we hurt where we care”).
• Being able to respond to our pain with self compassion rather than harsh judgement which exacerbates suffering.

The more we understand and integrate our emotions the less power they have to railroad us into unhelpful behaviour and the more they become our allies in helping us find the path to the life we truly want. In resilience terms, we can bend in the wind and use its energy to move us forward towards growth rather than keep us stuck.

Talking with other people whether friends, family or trained helping professionals is one way of trying to approach this. Such resources may not always be available but acceptance skills are something we can all learn for ourselves. Tuning into your emotions, if this is not something that comes easily to you, may feel odd or uncomfortable at first. But it has many psychological benefits including improved vitality, it is often not just “difficult” emotions we resist but also those such as pride and joy meaning we can’t access the full range of human experience and our wellbeing is diminished. Better emotional awareness and acceptance also tends to increase our sense of control over our behaviour and promotes good decision making, improved intuition, a sense of safety plus the fostering of good relationships. Research consistently shows that those who are able to understand, accept and flexibly respond with kindness to their own pain have better wellbeing and resilience (extensive research papers on this subject can be found at https://contextualscience.org/resources and https://self-compassion.org/the-research/).

Learning acceptance skills

So how do you start with improving these emotional intelligence skills? Next time you are aware of emotional discomfort, notice it. Instead of rushing to distract yourself in busyness, netflix or doom scrolling take a moment to pause and ask yourself:

• What am I feeling? What is this emotion or emotions? There is often more than one, can you tease them apart?
• Name them (this helps to bring the thinking part of your brain in the frontal lobes online to counteract our unconscious threat responses). Then for the most prominent emotions-
• Try and notice how the emotion is experienced in your body. Where is it, in one place or more than one? How big is it? Does it move or is it still? Is it heavy or light? Hot or cold? Really examine it like a curious scientist. Even if the emotion feels unpleasant try not to fight with it, just observe it and let it be there. Try to make room for it.
• Notice how your mind and body respond to the emotion and try to let these responses or judgements go and focus on the sensation.
• As you breathe in, imagine your breath flowing around this emotion and opening up space for it.
• Try to hold the difficult emotion kindly rather than struggle with it. Try and treat it as a small animal in distress that needs holding gently. Perhaps try placing a kind hand over the place where you feel this emotion or by visualising a warm, caring ball of light just surrounding and holding it. This is not with the intention of changing it but just because it hurts.
• Ask yourself what this emotion is trying to tell you about the things that really matter to you in life. Sadness often relates to losing something important, anger to our rights being violated and at the other end of the spectrum pride can reinforce that our efforts have been successful and joy that our life is good and precious. Is there an action moving you towards the life you want that this emotion might be motivating you to choose?
• Remind yourself that coping with painful and pleasurable emotions and those complex dialectic ones in between such as compassion or hope is an essential part of what it is to be human and something you share with everyone else on the planet.

Do go carefully and gently with yourself when exploring your emotions and start with something not too challenging. Like any skill this takes time and practice to learn. If you feel you have particular issues in this area, seek the support of a trained mental health professional. Meditative exercises to help you access and improve your emotional flexibility can be found on free platforms such as Insight Timer as well as at: https://self-compassion.org/guided-self-compassion-meditations-mp3-2/ https://thehappinesstrap.com/

Conclusion

I suggest our humanity resides in mindfully embracing the full range of our emotions, making sense of their meanings and engaging these as resources aiding our valued choices, as part of ongoing growth and learning. In this endeavour, resilience is born and wellbeing flourishes. This is the work of Positive Psychology and acceptance is a key element in this journey.

Read more about Sarah Monk and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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As a coach I used to think that powerful questions were ‘clever’ questions you learn by rote, but a powerful question emerges from the relationship, from being there with the coachee, curious and genuinely interested in their story from their perspective. A question is only powerful when it is used in the right context and has been formed from the unique moment between coach and coachee during their coaching partnership.

This got me thinking about how someone in their mid-life could use this skill on themselves. In my previous posts I have suggested we spend more time reflecting and being mindful. This is not easy for everyone. We often do not listen to ourselves and like to be distracted from too much time alone with our thoughts, yet the powerful self-question in midlife might be just the wake up needed. So what might happen if we asked ourselves some powerful questions, and actually listened to the answer? Here I offer some reflective approaches to help you tune into your own powerful question.

Why midlife?

A powerful question can be profound at any stage in life but here I am thinking of those who are on their journey of discovery, have lived a life where they have (I hope) been successful but may now think that they want something different. Midlife has so much opportunity in it but we can be overcome by the changes we do not ask for- health, family dependency, or career dissatisfaction. When we ask ourselves what we do want we can push through the challenges and turn them into opportunities.

The powerful question

What do I mean by a powerful question? In coaching it is the question that a coach will ask the coachee at a particular moment in time to help the coachee go beyond their loop thinking. It brings new insights to the coachee and can dramatically shift their understanding of the topic. Just a simple ‘And what would happen if you did?’ can open up new ideas and options.

The powerful-self question

There are many, many questions you can ask yourself, and if you type into a search engine the words “powerful question” you will return many websites with a list of them. By all means take a look and get inspired by what they suggest. But as I said at the start of this post, a powerful question is not just a question learned by rote, but something that emerges in the conversation at the time when it needs to be asked. For instance, here are some popular ones:

• What would you do if you knew you could not fail?
• Who are you meant to be?
• What are you avoiding?
• What one thing can you do today to be you?

A coach will be tuned into the coachee and ask the question, but when you are self-questioning then you have to spot that question all by yourself. This can be done using an informal reflective approach, or a more formal approach.

Reflective approaches

Informal – Find a quiet space where you can be undisturbed. Take a few deep breaths and focus inwards. Notice how you are feeling, notice your thoughts. Don’t try and control them. Allow the thoughts and feelings to drift around. After a few minutes, think about the topic you want to learn more about. Planning for your future? Dealing with a current issue? Bring that to your mind and allow questions to arise within you. It may take a while or you may notice lots of questions and not always find them helpful. Don’t jump on the first one that appears. Keep focusing on your breath and remain relaxed and you will know when a powerful one turns up. It will feel right and you will be curious.

Using images – If thinking about the question isn’t working, try using images or objects. Look through a magazine, or a book, or look online. Try to remain in a relaxed state and allow the images to draw you in. Or look for objects around your house and spend time with any that you want to pick up and look at more closely. Allow your mind to wander and relax and any questions that appear to be heard. Why that image or object? What do you need to know?

Formal – there are a number of techniques that train you into being more reflective, and often come with a partner to help you develop the skill. Coaching of course, but there are also books which discuss well tested techniques such as ‘More Time to Think’ (2015) by Nancy Kline, or ‘Focusing’ (2003) by Eugene Gendlin. These do need a bit more formal training or you can find someone who uses these techniques in their coaching or counselling work. These are ways to develop your meta-cognition or thinking about your own thinking.

Whether you start with just some informal moments of sitting with yourself, or you dive into something more formal, you will find that developing the skill of being with yourself and listening to those powerful questions can make a big difference in the choices that you make.

Dealing with distress

If the process at any point becomes ruminative or strong emotions occur, stop. Be kind to yourself and do something else to move your thinking away from the too difficult feelings. Sometimes it is a good idea to try again another time as the most useful questions can feel uncomfortable at first. But you will know if what you are feeling can be worked through or not. If not don’t put yourself in any risk situation and seek help. For most people you will eventually gain some deeper understanding of yourself which you can use to make informed decisions about your life.

So give it a go. Just stop, breathe, listen, and learn.

References

Gendlin, E. (2003). Focusing; How to gain direct access to your body’s knowledge. Rider

Kline, N. (2015). More Time to Think: The power of independent thinking. Cassell

Read more about Lisa Jones and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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In my recent work with a sports team, I taught them how to use self-compassion to develop deeper connection as a team, as well as developing personal resources to deal with stresses such as competition anxiety or fear of failure.

Self-Kindness

Encouraging the athletes to be kind to themselves and not harshly judge themselves, helps to reduce fear and anxiety. Encouraging them to treat themselves as they would treat a friend is a valuable tool because we are often harder on ourselves than we are on others.

Common Humanity

Helping the athletes to accept that it is normal to experience fear, and that failure is a crucial part of becoming a successful team because you can learn from it. This helps to dampen the stress response and allows the athlete to fully focus on their game.

Mindfulness

Guiding the athletes to acknowledge and turn towards their painful emotions such as fear, anxiety or shame which can arise when reliving a missed shot or poor pass. This helps them to make an intentional act to stay with these negative emotions and to use them as a basis of constructive action.

Courage

Practising self-compassion helps athletes to stop avoiding those situations that bring up negative emotions where they feel vulnerable such as trying a new skill or playing against a much better team. Instead, they develop the courage to face experiences with a more positive mindset. It also reduces choking which is sub-optimal sporting performance, which can happen when the athlete is under pressure such as taking a game-deciding shot. Amy Baltzell (2019) describes how practising self-compassion can cultivate courage by helping the athlete to tolerate negative thoughts. This in turn strengthens their ability to accept what is occurring. This means that the athletes stop avoidance tactics such as giving up or playing for a team below their level. The athletes gain more experience of being in situations where negative emotions are likely and they become used to responding constructively which Baltzell (2019) considers to be an act of courage.

Field of Impact

Self-compassion has been used to improve performance in many sports including basketball, tennis, football, hockey, cross country, skiing, swimming, golf and running. It can be used to tackle many difficulties such as competitive anxiety and fear of failure, both of which can result in a freeze behaviour. It can also be used to help athletes who are returning to their sport after injury. Often these athletes can be impatient to get back to the level they were at before their injury and this means they run the risk of pushing themselves too hard too soon, which reduces the likelihood of a swift recovery.

Self-compassion can benefit us all whether we play sport or not. Give yourself the gift of self-compassion and let me know what a difference it makes in your life.

References

Baltzell, Amy & Röthlin, Philipp & Kenttä, Göran. (2019). Self-compassion in Sport for Courage and Performance. 10.4324/9780429435232-17.

Neff, K. (2011). Self Compassion. London: Hodder &Stoughton Ltd.

Read more about Bryony Shaw and her other articles HERE 

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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10 years old

To celebrate the 10-year birthday, Bucks New University’s annual symposium returned, after a break due to Covid. I gave a talk at Bucks first ever symposium based on my dissertation which researched practical ways to bring Growth Mindset into the sixth form curriculum. At that time the symposium was a relatively small affair with a single talk being given at one time and running for just one day. Now it has grown into a 2-day event with parallel sessions being held, and researchers from different universities giving talking and running workshops.

Far-reaching impact

It was inspiring to see other students from later cohorts and witness their enthusiasm and hear about the positive impact of taking Positive Psychology out into their own specialist fields. This meant it was hard to decide which talks and workshops to attend as they were so compelling. The themes were varied and topical including talks on the impact of Covid and the role of Positive Psychology post-pandemic. It was wonderful to witness the way that Positive Psychology was being integrated into many diverse fields such as start-ups, poetry, education, neurodiversity, the armed forces, leadership and of course, coaching.

Respectfully adapt

One of the things that I love about Positive Psychology at Bucks New University is the way that researchers challenge existing theories. Remembering back to my time studying on the MAPP, a great deal of time was spent discussing the theories and how well they could be applied to life. When limitations were revealed, they were held with an appreciation of what this told us. Should some part of the theory be adapted? Or could the theory be applied in only certain situations? It was growth mindset in action, ‘what can I learn from this?.’

Adapting Positive Psychology

It is exciting to see the way that Positive Psychology is adapting as a discipline. The diverse research areas shared at the symposium showssvgfdg how Positive Psychology is being applied to the new challenges that we face as a society such as living in a post-pandemic world. It is also being applied to help people with their individual circumstances such as being neurodiverse or working in a particular sector.

Join me with a sense of anticipation, to look forward to seeing what new topics will be reported on in 10 years’ time, at the 20th Positive Psychology symposium.

Read more about Bryony Shaw and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The Common Myth

Society has a tendency to generalise a great deal. We often forget that the variation in people is far broader than the ‘average’ that we rely on as a measure of behaviour. The concept of introverts and extroverts was first presented by Carl Gustav Jung in the early 1900s. In very simple terms, Jung differentiated the types into those who tend to engage with the outside world in an active way (extroverts) and those that were more often engaged in the internal world of reflection (introverts).

However, as the concept of personality was developed it became more and more defined as those who are outgoing and sociable (extroverts) and those who are inhibited and shy (introverts). This starts to put value judgements onto the traits as through the lens of sociability. Being an introvert myself I take umbradge at this! I am a sociable person and can be quite outgoing at times. True I am not the life and soul of the party and actually prefer a quiet walk in the countryside to loud, busy environments, but I am not inhibited or shy. I need time with other people like anyone else, but I also need time alone.

For some time it was thought that the need for time alone, which is most often attributed to introverts, was due to high social anxiety, but recent studies have not found this to be the case. And extroverts can just as easily be socially anxious. Therefore, simplifying labelling people who are introverts and extroverts as avoidant or sociable is not helpful.

The Role of Self-Determination

There is a whole area of research into self-determination which I will not cover here. However, a key part of a person’s enjoyment of time alone or of being sociable is having the autonomy to make your own choices, to have a level of freedom. When this choice is taken away difficulties ensue. This is what Averill and Sunderarajan (2014) call ‘psuedo’ solitude, which is experienced without choice, and often leads to lonelines and separation from others.

Some people actively seek out solitude. Sometimes it is to get away from the busyness of life. This is a common way for introverts to recharge and recalibrate themseles ready to get back out there again. It would, however, not be helpful if the only time anyone sought out solitude was to get away from others. It has been found that intentionally spending quality time alone has many beneficial qualities (Coplan & Bowker, 2014). In cultures where there is little opportunity to spend time alone, it has been found that loneliness is high (Heu et al., 2021). This might seen like a paradox, but recent research is finding that loneliness is often felt when there is too much interaction and busyness, especially when there is little opportunity to escape.

Benefits of Time Alone

It’s important to distinguish between decisions that are avoidant and ones that are positively felt. Spending time alone is beneficial when it is a choice that is done for its own sake. As an introvert you may need time away from others, and your preference may be to spend time alone rather than interacting, but this isn’t through fear, or a dislike of people or social situations. Many people, introverts and extroverts alike, simply enjoy time alone (Coplan et al., 2015).

In a recent preprint, meaning the study has yet to be peer reviewed, Nguyen et al. (2018) found that personality types such as introversion did not correlate with preference for time alone, concluding that personality had little to do with the self-determined action of solitude. They found that people who rated themselves has high in spending time alone did so out of enjoyment, found it easy to resist social pressures in favour of caring for themselves, and used the time to self-regulate their emotions and behaviours, and learn about themselves.

The benefits of intentionally spending some time alone is to create a contemplative space for reflection and calming the noise of daily demands. This is called ‘inner directed’ solitude and is a valuable space for creative pursuits (Averill & Sunderarajan, 2014). Spiritually it can be used to conteplate the meaning of life, to feel spiritually connected (Ost Mor et al., 2021). In short, there are many positive ways of using time alone, and I would argue this is the missing factor that is valuble for personal growth and development.

What Both Introverts and Extroverts Should Do

Ok, as a coach using the word ‘should’ raises eyebrows! But I’m using it here to encourage you, whatever your personality trait, or your preferences, to give time alone a chance. Find out for yourself how much it helps you refocus, problem solve, imagine and shape each day. It only needs a few minutes of focused and intentional time to be alone. This doesn’t have to be in a place where there is physically no one around for miles. If finding space to be physcially alone is challenging, it can be at your desk with your work colleagues around you. Being alone is being with yourself, in your space, and imagining yourself in a calm and quiet space. Let your imagination take you there.

I’ll leave you with a message from the wonderful late Thich Nhat Hanh. In his book ‘Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World full of Noise’ (2015) he speaks of ‘radio non-stop thinking’. I would add to that with non-stop doing. I invite you to spend just a little time not doing and not thinking about the future, about the past, and just let yourselve be. Silence doesn’t have to company solitude of course, but by learning about the stillness of silence, we are better able to tune into ourselves.

You realize the deep meaning of being alone when you are established firmly in the here and
now, and you are aware of what is happening in the present moment. You use your mindfulness to become aware of every feeling, every perception you have. You’re aware of what’s happening around you, but you also stay fully present within yourself; you don’t lose yourself to the surrounding conditions. That is real solitude. (Thich Nhat Hanh, p. 41, 2015)

References

Averill, J. R., & Sunderarajan, L. (2014). Experiences of solitude: Issues of Assessment, Theory and Culture. In R.J. Coplan & J.C. Bowker (Eds.), The Handbook of Solitude: Psychological Perspectives on Social Isolation, social withdrawal and being alone (pp. 90–109). John Wiley & Sons.

Coplan, R.J., & Bowker, J. C. (2014). All alone: Multiple perspectives on the study of solitude. In The Handbook of Solitude: Psychological Perspectives on Social Isolation, Social Withdrawal and Being Alone. Wiley Blackwell.

Coplan, Robert J., Ooi, L. L., & Nocita, G. (2015). When One Is Company and Two Is a Crowd: Why Some Children Prefer Solitude. Child Development Perspectives, 9(3), 133–137. https://doi.org/10.1111/cdep.12131

Heu, L. C., Hansen, N., van Zomeren, M., Levy, A., Ivanova, T. T., Gangadhar, A., & Radwan, M. (2021). Loneliness across cultures with different levels of social embeddedness: A qualitative study. Personal Relationships, 28(2), 379–405. https://doi.org/10.1111/pere.12367

Nguyen, T. T., Weinstein, N., & Ryan, R. (2018, August 20). Who Enjoys Solitude? Autonomous Functioning (But Not Introversion) Predicts Self-Determined Motivation (But Not Preference) for Solitude. https://doi.org/10.31234/osf.io/sjcwg

Ost Mor, S., Palgi, Y., & Segel-Karpas, D. (2021). The Definition and Categories of Positive Solitude: Older and Younger Adults’ Perspectives on Spending Time by Themselves. International Journal of Aging and Human Development, 93(4), 943–962. https://doi.org/10.1177/0091415020957379

Read more about Lisa Jones and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive People’

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I felt quite strongly that suppliers were being unfairly treated by a lot of the big names, and having had to deal with a couple of big-name stores, I felt they were acting in ways which didn’t align with my core values,

But the main reason was that I simply hated it. By far the worst hour of my week was the weekly shop. What distressed me most was how many people shopping looked so miserable, I lost count of how many times I was bumped into and there were long queues at check-out. Then having to try and pack my back as quickly as the stuff was coming off the conveyor as the completely uninterested looking checkout operator moved my goods over the scanner. I would barely get half the stuff in my bag before I got “that will “£103.97”, which was followed by a look which could have said “Now hurry up, can’t you see there’s a queue”

Hated it! Hated it! Hated it!

The Decision to Change

It was a week or so before Christmas and I’d just finished a Christmas party, and standing outside waiting for a taxi I bumped into a friend of mine, a dairy farmer, who has to be said, didn’t seem full of Christmas cheer.

“ I don’t know what I am to do” he told me “ the supermarket which buys my milk has screwed me so much I don’t have enough money to buy presents for my kids” He told me he was getting out of farming and in the new Year was getting rid of his herd and moving on.

I told him I would support him by boycotting the supermarket. I know the money they wouldn’t notice at all the paltry sum that I spent every week, but there was now a principle at stake and it was my money so it was up to me how I spent it.

Local shops

Having wandered along the local high street, I worked out that I could get around 90% of what I needed from local shops and deli’s. The other 10% I could either live without or get from the local convenience store. So, one Saturday morning I ventured in to town to do my weekly shop.

I soon found out why the overwhelming majority of the population shopped at the supermarket. The first challenge was parking the car. The supermarket had a big free car park with plenty of spaces, whereas the town centre has a couple of small crowded car parks which I had to pay for the privilege of using.

The other advantage of supermarket shopping was the convenience of having everything under one roof. By the time I’d visited the 2nd High Street shop out of at least 5, I had to make a trip back to the car to drop off some bags, and then go back to finish my shop. In total, I made 3 trips to the car and back.

Finally there was the time issue, the supermarket shop would be done in under an hour but shopping on the high street was at least double that. Needless to say, I was starting to seriously doubt my decision.

The Change

Despite all the inconvenience I decided to continue with my High Street experiment. I would give it a month and then go back to my old shopping habit, at least I will have deprived the supermarket of a month’s worth of my money ( I checked the share price and my stance hadn’t made the slightest difference as the shares had actually gone up).

Sometime around week three or four, something I wasn’t quite expecting happened. I really started to enjoy it. For one thing, I was enjoying the food a lot more, as much of it was locally sourced or just better quality than what I was used to. I was eating seasonal vegetables from local farms, locally produced cheese, and some very interesting jams and pickles. I actually started to feel that I was eating healthier. I’d also cut out a lot of the snacks and biscuits etc (especially the 2 for 1 offers which were making me eat twice as much as I needed to). Was it this that was making my mood change or something else?

It felt so nice to walk into a shop and see somebody smile at me and wish me a “Good morning”. By week 4 I was on first name terms with most of the shopkeepers, and as weeks went by I got to know more about them and they got to know me. They knew about my likes and dislikes, in many cases, I was offered samples to try and asked my opinion. As weeks went by I was building up friendships with quite a number of shopkeepers, even to the point of joining one of them for a beer in the local pub.

After a while it wasn’t just the high street, I started to discover farmers markets, buying goods straight from the source. It wasn’t just food, I discovered English wines, soaps, and beers from local craft breweries.

Wellbeing

The decision to shop local has made a huge difference to my general wellbeing, something I absolutely hated became something I really enjoyed and looked forward to. Whilst the quality of food and goods felt better, what really made the difference was the people I was dealing with.

Over the last 10 years I’ve lived mostly on my own, and whilst I do have a busy social calendar, I often miss the day to day interactions with people., so going to a local shop where I feel welcome and have a brief conversation with the shopkeeper makes a huge difference. I feel part of the community, I get to know what’s going on, I learn about local events, and I’ve made friends, not just with the shopkeeper, but other customers too.

Summing up

I know I am lucky on a number of counts, I don’t have a busy job or a family so I do have a little more time on my hands to explore the local community. I can imagine that someone with both those commitments would find it much more convenient to go to a supermarket once a week.

I also live in a town where there are a number of good local shops, with a good variety of produce. I appreciate that there are many places where there isn’t very much choice of local shops.

But being in the position I’m in and living where I do I intend to take full advantage and regard shopping as an important part of my social life.

Finally, I saw this caption recently “ when you buy from a small business, an actual person does a little happy dance” Now that has to be good.

Read more about Steve Emery and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The parts of ourselves that were rattled with grief, remain pain points for us to focus our healing. 

The unconscious became conscious on several fronts, throughout our journey. Everything about our language, our worldview and even our friendships shifted and changed. 

Those of us who live in the United States have also realized how very divided many of us are about our fundamental belief systems, and/or systemic ideals on what the world should look like. 

Be curious

• Curiosity about the thoughts or actions of others seems to be a solution. 
• Curiosity about why people got away with despicable things, while also boasting about being above all others. 
• Curiosity about our core sense of self in relation to others became more defined.

‘Why’ is a question I found myself asking, time and time again. A character on the TV show, Gray’s Anatomy had a line that I personally, felt aligned with as I defined my purpose here. 

“I lost myself for a long time.” Christina said, as she awoke from a pattern of wholeness that felt inauthentic. 

So many of us woke up to want more for ourselves. We realized how much of our decision making was based on settling just to fit in, or, nesting under the wing of the more powerful, just to survive the collective way we now work, as we nested during this pandemic. 

Ted Lasso (another TV show award winner), had a great speech when facing down a corporate powerhouse bully. 

“Be curious, not judgmental”

Ted went on to explain that his entire life, people underestimated him based on the outside. They were judgemental toward him but they were never curious. He was bullied a great deal, but while the bullies and judgemental people disregarded his abilities, he was honing his skills into becoming an outstanding human with special talents. 

For me, and perhaps you can relate, I unpacked a great deal of the last 50+ years of my life last year. It was a bit overwhelming at times, to be honest. We’re told to disclose our vulnerabilities, right? 

In theory, that’s a brilliant idea. In execution, not as much. Unless the stakeholders in your life also welcome that vulnerability. 

I did it though. I unpacked; unleashed; and even UN-learned a great deal that my blinders-on way of living told me I had to live. 

Post Traumatic Growth

I had to shift my awareness not only to how I was living my post-traumatic-growth life, but also how I was allowing others to treat me. It was not easy, but it was necessary. 

I chose to head into 2022 as a curious person, not a judgmental person. 

It is a theme in our mass media, but it is also a theme we can all benefit from in our pursuit of happiness. 

Be curious in your pursuit of positive psychology. Not judgemental. Unlearning is part of learning the purpose of our field of choice. Vulnerability is a part of that journey. 

Don’t just settle for what is being taught to you. Question it. Question everything. Then decide what your special talents are. The collective consciousness will grow because of it. 

In Peace and Light,

k. Aren

Author: k.  Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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Eat, sleep, repeat. You are what you are. You don’t even slightly resemble a butterfly. You are wonderful and unique in your own right, you are life, but you’re only ever going to crawl around on the ground.

The human as a caterpillar is the human that is yet to awaken and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with this stage, it is essential. But it’s only the start. The caterpillar stage can be encompassed in Carl Jung’s statement that we spend the first half of our lives developing a healthy ego.

What is ego?

It’s your identity. It’s who you think you are based on your childhood experiences. Your personality, the way you think the world works, how you relate to others, your belief systems. It’s limited, it’s structured, it’s fixed, it’s repetitive. You may grow a little within the bounds of your ego, but you do not drastically change or transform. You just become a bigger caterpillar.

Here’s an example of my caterpillar stage:

– I am what I achieve

– I must work hard and prove myself

– I fear rejection and abandonment

– My success is based on material gain

– I must get approval and validation from others

– I must please others and meet their expectations

– I am limited, life is limited, life is a struggle

– I must hide emotions like anger or sadness and tears

This is a tiny snippet of my caterpillar world. Whilst I spent years building my self-awareness and reflecting, you can learn so much about yourself just by asking a few introspective questions, observing your behaviour and looking at your own life. Once you get a feel for your caterpillar, don’t resist or judge it. Just become aware. It’s all OK.

The cocoon

When the caterpillar goes into a cocoon, it turns into complete goo. Everything it was, dissolves.

In human terms, this is the dissolving of the ego, the identity, the beliefs as I shared above.

Some people call this a mid-life crisis (although it can happen at any time). You start to question your purpose in life, you may physically and mentally retreat for a while, you realise that how you’ve been doing things is not making you happy anymore. Your buried wounds and traumas are coming closer to the surface and the material world doesn’t satiate you as much as it once did. You want more. You need more. You may not know what ‘more’ is, but you yearn for it and you begin to seek.

If you embrace this period and do the inner work, you will start to break down the fragile egoic identity. You’ll start to question your own beliefs. You’ll stop doing what you used to do, you’ll question your deeper motivations, you may get coaching/ therapy as you try to navigate the ‘goo’. It can be really uncomfortable, a sort of ‘no man’s land’ where you’re not what you were but, you’ve not yet become what you’ll be.

For me, this stage includes:

– questioning my ‘people pleasing’ personality and seeing that it’s dysfunctional and harming me

– realising how I sabotage myself by feeling unworthy, insecure and allowing fear to rule me

– realising that no one out there can validate me, I must validate myself

– understanding my childhood traumas and how they’ve shaped my world

– seeing how my childhood belief systems are just ‘stories’ I’m repeating, not the ultimate truth

– looking for the real me – who am I? What is in my heart, my soul? What is my truth?

I hope this gives you a flavour of what it looks like to begin disintegrating what you thought you were. It can be like waking up from the Matrix! If you’ve seen that movie, they really depicted well how uncomfortable the process of waking up from the illusion can be. But, it can also be amazing, freeing, exciting and full of possibility!

The butterfly

Now for the reshaping.

From the goo, from the dissolved ego, you start to rebuild into who you were always destined to be. Not who the world told you to be, but who you truly are – a beautiful butterfly with wings to fly! The old beliefs of lack, limitation, people-pleasing etc. no longer apply. You start to realise what’s important to you, how you want to live, what you want to do. You see that if you want to fly you must give up the things that were weighing you down. You cannot be a caterpillar and a butterfly at the same time. You realise that you have a choice.

In this stage, you learn the truth of your own soul and you let this part of you lead. As you follow this truth, you start to grow wings and soon take flight. You may be nervous – that’s because it’s new, you’re learning, you’re being reborn, you’ve never flown before! It can be very vulnerable.

Sometimes the caterpillar and cocoon call you back to ‘safety’, where safety is the familiarity of the caterpillar or the protection of the cocoon. But your wings are also taking shape and there is an urge to fly. This is the daily battle that has been analogised in many ways – a battle between heart and head, ego and soul, lower self and higher self, devil and angel. Each time you feel this inner war, you are challenged to choose the higher.

My butterfly stage includes the following realisations:

– I am a spiritual being having a human experience

– My soul has innate gifts and a purpose to express here on Earth

– I know what I love to do, how I want to live and I must do it

– The only limits are in my own mind

– I do not have to set myself on fire to keep other people warm

– I can be unapologetically me, I am whole, there is nothing wrong with me, I’m not broken

– My soul is the master and my ego is the slave

Your butterfly journey will be unique to you – as will your caterpillar and cocoon. There are patterns and similarities across us all but your transformation is a personal experience.

The pitfalls

Sometimes we can stunt our own process of growth, here’s how:-

1. Staying as a caterpillar or in the gooey cocoon

You’ve got to keep moving, shedding and evolving. Once a wing begins to sprout you cannot change it back, once you’ve tasted flight, it’s painful to stay on the ground. But you can fall back.

What’s it going to feel like when you stop people-pleasing and start putting your needs first? Uncomfortable. When you end a relationship or job that wasn’t serving your highest good? Uncomfortable. Petrifying even! That’s called ego death or abandonment depression – and it hurts. The ‘old you’ is being put down and it won’t go quietly. So, you’ve got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Keep moving, keep growing into your new self, do not retreat.

2. Trying to get rid of ego

I know I just used the words ‘ego death’ but don’t take that too literally. A misconception in modern self-help and spirituality is that we must get rid of the ego. This is both impossible and undesirable; your ego is your mind and body – if you get rid of it, you’d be dead! You need it.

But, notice what actually happens in the cocoon – the caterpillar (ego) is disintegrated and reintegrated into the butterfly. It does not disappear and get thrown out. It is broken down and reformed. It is the raw material. Here are some examples of how your dysfunctional caterpillar ego is reintegrated in a functional, healthy butterfly:

The caterpillar says: I must put other people’s needs first.

The butterfly says: I love to support others once I fill my own cup.

The caterpillar is a high achiever collecting trinkets, trophies and accolades to feel worthy.

The butterfly is a high achiever working towards fulfilling its soul’s purpose.

3. Thinking this process only happens once

I don’t experience this as a one-time thing and I don’t think anyone does. The caterpillar to butterfly process happens multiple times. Sometimes I have big shifts in a short period, other times I have lots of little sheddings and rebirths. There are no rules. There is just continual growth and evolution. Piece by piece you disintegrate and reform different parts of you, like pieces in a jigsaw.

The two halves of life

As mentioned earlier, Carl Jung said the first half of life is devoted to developing a healthy ego. He also said, the second half of life is going inward and letting go of it. That is the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. That is the process of human evolution, it’s the journey we are all on and if you embrace it willingly you will transform into a beautiful butterfly. Just like the caterpillar, it is your innate destiny to do so.

“Your time as a caterpillar is over. Your wings are ready.” – Unknown

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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I’ve been a fan and advocate, teacher and practitioner of the positive psychology movement since 2007. We have changed how the world works. We’ve watched our conversations blossom into including discussions of thriving, happiness, flow, well-being and even our character strengths. We have encouraged a revolution of whole, healthy lives that include the good life. 

The feel good mindset has tackled some of psychologies biggest challenges up until Seligman shone a light on the field as a whole. That is a monumental achievement that deserves to be honored. 

Warm Wishes 

We are glad for the shift in awareness. I am. In 2006, I was studying PTSD and I/O psychology. I had just kicked off my PhD program, a full decade after earning my master’s degree in community psychology. I felt like something was missing. The positive psychology of Chris Peterson’s article with Anacia Parks sparked the next fourteen years from me. 

The original creators of the field deserve the accolades and warm wishes. 

Happy Thoughts and Warm Fuzzies 

In the course of fourteen years however, the message has gotten a bit lost with the fuzzies of other industries that monotonized the success of talking about happiness, thriving, grit, resilience, and other assorted key terms. 

We’ve had spin off industries pop up right along with a collective of people who try to reign in the research for their own personal fortune building. The exact opposite of the original intention. Which was to share the data with the world. Until the world took the data and turned it into a toothpaste commercial (media meltdowns in general). 

We’ve packaged it up as a gift that gives us the warm fuzzies ~ or, the idea that no matter what is happening in our lives, we can achieve an optimal, good life. 

Then, it just got fuzzy. 

Today, we wage war on happiness by pointing out that there is also a lot to be sad about, or that not everyone has the luxury to live that optimal life due to war, famine, despair, global pandemics, and the other horrible things going on. 

We have dimmed the light a little 

The light life, like life itself, flickers from time to time. I wonder what the positive psychology movement will be in fourteen more years, now that it has a counter culture. 

Even in my own work in the darker side of the field, which addresses more of a novel approach to the literary world intertwined with the philosophy of what it means to be happy, I call out for a balance between the dark and light. 

The APA has 54 divisions in the USA. The ACA has 18 divisions. Our three base pillars have expanded to a multi-billion dollar business. Researchers have become very wealthy. WE have choices. 

What’s next? 

When we’ve been doing something for so long that we clearly see the season’s change as people come and go, it’s acceptance that change is the only constant that truly gives us that feeling that everything will be alright in the end. 

I look forward to seeing how our young students will create even further change. That’s what makes me truly happy ~ the warm fuzzies that something will evolve in ways we haven’t even thought of yet. 

In Peace and Light,

K. Aren

Author: K. Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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When we’re going through transitions, our routine has hiccups. My decision to create HappinessNoir.com was a call to balance out the light life but, it’s also a return to my roots in the whole of psychology.

The positive psychology movement had pure intentions to help us balance out the abundant focus on what was wrong with humanity. When Seligman boldly challenged the field in the late 90’s to also remember to focus on what was right, there was an industry wide stir that seemed, a bit dramatic.

The Beat Goes On

All transitions have a heart beat.  Since our specialty within the field took an interesting twist toward consumerism along with social media famous practitioners, we’ve been off kilter.

Finding the healthy good news as a professional focus became a tag line for many people. As new generations of practitioners began to generate new approaches to delivering content, we witnessed the monopolization of the field.

Life is skipping ahead

2020 felt like a demand that we change and change now. People made abrupt changes. We jumped on definitive band wagons or, we took the leap of faith, digging in to what brought us the most joy.

We as a collective, have seen major disruption in our daily routines. Millions of people had to say goodbye to their loved ones. Millions more, like myself, have made professional transitions that were disruptive to our lives. I myself have deconstructed my entire professional life. It’s the same, but it’s also totally different.

Change is hard. We can embrace the hard as a call to love. 

While many people are supportive of everyone in the field, bringing light and love to those who wish to shine, there is always going to be a dark side. We have people who are opportunists, greedy with the need to shine brighter and those who simply believe they are more important than others.

Not all that shines is gold. There are some blaring red flags right now. They boast loudly about their 7-figure salaries and how they are the brightest stars in the sky. Others see them for who they really are.

Humans have flaws. So do professions. Nobody is perfect.

Learning about ourselves means learning about what we love even in tough times. During transitions, it’s been helpful to turn the world off. Staying focused on what matters most to us in our career, helps us to skip over the hard transitions.

We care about our jobs because they are significant to our lives. When others in our field diminish the value of what we’re doing, we all feel it. We all live with the transition. It’s up to all of us to cultivate a consistency that is true, honest and authentic.

In the meantime ~ transitions can feel like a skip in the heartbeat of our lives ~ professionally and personally.

Author: K. Aren Henry has a masters in community psychology and an advanced graduate certificate in mental health counseling. The Light Life is part of her “happiness noir” series, copyright 2021 ©  She’s a private practitioner and researcher in the United States. Henry Healing dot com is her calling card. 

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