If that’s a blinding glimpse of the obvious to you then you need to read no further but for those of us who struggle every year with the concept of what we’d really like to do and what we feel obliged to do, read on

This week, whilst chatting on the phone, one of my friends said to me “I just can’t do Christmas dinner for 17 people again this year” (!) She meant it. It’s too much. This year she simply has too much on but regardless there is an expectation that she will continue to ‘create magic’ for the family. Some of us seem to feel the pressure to either host or join in when in truth we’d really much rather be doing something else.

How can we manage boundaries at Christmas or any other time?

What is a boundary and why would we set them? What does a Christmas boundary sound like? and what should we think about when setting our boundaries?

What is a boundary?

One definition of a boundary is “The emotional and physical space needed in order to be the real you without pressure from others to be something that you’re not” (like a party person, or a perfect guest)

Some people feel guilty for setting boundaries but we shouldn’t

Establishing boundaries helps people to be clear about where they stand with you (and everyone likes to know where they stand) Boundaries are also a way of taking care of ourselves and we have a responsibility to look after ourselves. Setting boundaries might feel unfamiliar and awkward at first but it’s worth persevering with, practice makes perfect.  Honest and direct communication helps and in turn, we gain respect from others.

What does a Christmas boundary sound like?

·      No thank you, I won’t be joining you this time, but have fun!

·      Unfortunately, I won’t be able to do lunch for everyone this year, but perhaps another year. Would someone else like to volunteer this year? (It’s not your problem to fix)

·      Thank you, I can join you for a short while but I will need to leave at (X) o’clock.

·      Great, I would love to pop in and see you all, but I have another commitment later.

·      Yes, I’d love to join you but I won’t be staying all weekend as I also need to get some rest.

What should we think about when setting our boundaries?

We should communicate clearly when setting boundaries, clearly and assertively. Repeat your response if necessary, preferably in exactly the same words, to emphasise your decision. Be unemotional, you don’t have to explain yourself, or provide an excuse or an alternative solution for people, you just have to be clear and then make sure that you follow through. This part is really important, if you don’t follow through it will all be for nothing, act consistently when upholding your boundaries. If you want to allow for a more gradual change you might plant the seed this year that you will be doing something different next year, it makes it easier for everyone if they know what to expect.

Boundaries often arise from unhealthy beliefs, in the case of Christmas it might be something like

·      I have to hold the family together (Everyone has a responsibility to do this)

·      I can never say no to X (You always have a right to say ‘no’)

·      I would just feel too guilty if I did something on my own and left them to get on with it. (You have a right to do things that are just for you to avoid becoming over-enmeshed and to maintain your own identity)

·      Families should always spend Christmas together (Says who?)

Ask yourself where these unhealthy boundaries came from. When were they established and are they helpful or useful to you today? If not change them.

I wish you a happy, healthy, peaceful and boundaried Christmas.

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It’s important to really stop for a while and connect with what you’re thinking and feeling to try to establish just where you are. Important because once you understand where you are you can begin to take really good care of yourself or to seek help that will support you through any difficulties that you might be experiencing.

There are 5 points on the mental health spectrum, from left to right;
1) In Crisis 2) Struggling, 3) Unsettled, 4) Thriving and 5) Excelling

You may well be able to instinctively pinpoint where you are, but if not here are some descriptions of each of the areas to help you identify.

In Crisis

When you’re in this state you may well be feeling very anxious, unable to think clearly and could often be exhausted. You may well be physically ill, and have pain (there is a very close connection between psychological health and physical pain) You may not be sleeping well and this in turn will undoubtedly be affecting your day and maybe your performance at work. You may have started relying on substances like alcohol or drugs, or you may have become isolated.

Struggling

If you’re struggling you may well be tired, anxious, sad or even depressed. You may have a poor appetite or have lost weight. You may be simply unable to concentrate for significant periods of time and your self-esteem may be noticeably dropping. You could be present at work but not really engaged or performing as well as you usually do.

Unsettled

If you’re unsettled you could well be ‘on edge’, nervous, worried or irritable. Frustration levels may be higher and nearer to the surface than they usually are, and you may be feeling sad or gloomy. You may be having some difficulty sleeping and have reduced your usual levels of social activity (…do take care not to confuse this with the natural post-Covid levels of reduced social activity)

Thriving

If you’re thriving your mood will probably feel ‘normal’, you might be quite calm and be functioning well at work, going out with friends and family, eating normally and sleeping well. You should feel mostly okay and overall pretty positive.

Excelling

When you’re excelling you’ll feel a higher level of energy, you may well be very solution focused and be performing really well at work. You will probably feel if not joyful, then a distinct cheerfulness. You will be naturally sleeping well and building in time to recover by  doing things that you love, that bring you joy and really help you to ‘switch off’ (It’s only by
doing this that we can recover and build our resilience) You may well recognise a feeling of ‘Flow’ – being so absorbed in your activity that you lose all sense of time and other things that are going on around you – this is a good thing, it gives our minds a chance to rest and helps us to recover.

What to do next

Once you have identified where you sit on the mental health spectrum you can decide whether or not you need to take action to take care of yourself, and what that might look like, whether you need to seek help from friends, family or professionals. Understanding what worries, tensions or concerns you might have can really help you to have a deeper connection to yourself, to be more in touch with yourself.

Wherever you’re at try to seek your own personal joy, whatever form that might take, it really doesn’t matter what it is, as long as it brings you joy, however fleeting. Keep finding your joy and your state will change. You can also research evidence based, positive psychology interventions that will build resilience and improve mental health. They will
help.

Our minds are always moving…from the positive to the negative to the positive again. If you are able to, try to change your mindset, it will make all the difference as we manage ourselves towards a life where we flourish.

References

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi “Flow’

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We have so many positive psychology interventions to choose from, so why would we choose appreciative Inquiry (AI)? Positive psychology has a close relationship with AI, both start at a positive standpoint and look at the positive over negative, the potential of an individual rather than their weaknesses or areas for development and it’s forward-thinking – it really focusses on the future rather than dwelling on and revisiting the past.

What is AI?

AI was developed in the United States by David Cooperrider, originally as a change methodology for organisations going through transformational change.

AI was then ‘adopted’ by the Positive Psychology movement as a tool for individual development because AI helps people to create an image of the future that will help to ‘pull’ them towards a new, preferred way of living. The position that AI comes from is that every situation offers the opportunity for learning, development, and personal happiness.

AI is a person-centered approach to change, and a form of ‘positive questioning’, focused on the individual, they are actively involved in their ‘change process’ from the very start. The process of positive questioning enables them to reframe their personal narrative and grow as a person through their current challenges.

AI and strengths

AI is a process that looks at life through a strengths lens. Strengths are defined as qualities that we have and use such as creativity, curiosity, wisdom, compassion, persistence, love, tenacity, perseverance, courage and kindness (as opposed to a skill like using Excel or being good at woodwork)

We know that when we use our strengths, we are more engaged in what we’re doing (Flow) we’re often much happier and almost always more productive.

When to use AI in Coaching

We often use AI in coaching when someone is ‘stuck’ or a bit lost. It helps them to develop an idea or vision of where they want to be, to get a view of their ideal future and build in the pieces that are really important to them and also to create goals and action plans in order to move toward their preferred way of living or being.

The AI Model

There are 4 stages to the AI model and these stages can take vastly different amounts of time to work through depending on where the client is and what else is happening in their lives. The stages are as follows;

Discovery – ‘What’s currently happening’?

Dream – ‘What is it that you’d like to happen’?

Design – ‘What does your preferred lifestyle look like’?

Destiny – ‘How do you want to refine and maintain this plan’?

Discovery stage

This stage can take a while as the coachee articulates their areas of concern and what’s currently going on for them. Sometimes there are multi-faceted, complex issues that need to be processed and all manner of other issues might come up like appropriately managing boundaries, being assertive and utilising appropriate levels of self-care and compassion. Questions that might help at this stage are;

•       What do you most value about yourself?

•       Tell me about something that you’d like more of in your life?

•       Who are your role models?

Dream stage

The Dream stage of the AI process can be a challenge for some coachees as often they come to coaching with a sense of what they don’t want but not necessarily of what they do want. It can take a while to explore this in the sessions and through invitations to experiment with ideas outside of the sessions. Questions that might help at this stage are;

•       What do you see when you imagine yourself in the next couple of years?

•       What ‘best bits’ do you want to carry from now into the future?

•       Who is around you in this new picture?

Design

The design stage is about experimenting with different ways of being, really thinking through how the future might be and what the coachee wants in there. Questions that might help at this stage are;

•       What would bring your dream alive for you?

•       Who can you trust to support you through this transition?

•       Which smaller fun elements of your dream could you begin to experiment with?

Destiny

The destiny stage is about refining and maintaining the plan as its being lived or experimented with. Questions that might help at this stage are;

•       What’s the thing that you love the most about your life now?

•       What strengths do you have that are useful and that you are most grateful for?

•       What purpose do you most want to fulfill now?

AI is a really useful coaching tool that helps us to positively tackle problems differently. It’s a practice that’s entirely focused on the individual and their preferences. It also

shows us how our growth rarely can take place without other people and gives us a recognition of the contribution that others make to our lives and work and how important relationships are in our growth and development.

References

Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi. The Psychology of Optimal Experience.
David Cooperrider. The Appreciative Inquiry Handbook:

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What is psychological safety?

“Psychological safety is being able to’ be yourself’ without fear of negative consequences to your own self-image, your status or your career. In psychologically safe teams, team members feel accepted and respected”

What does psychological safety feel like?

Psychological safety feels comfortable. It feels like acceptance, regardless of your viewpoint or experience. It feels like this is a place where you can express yourself without being concerned about any repercussions.

How do you create psychological safety?

It’s a leader’s responsibility to create a safe team, one where the team can easily and without ‘fear of retribution’ say ‘I don’t know what I’m doing’, ‘I don’t understand’ or ‘I made a mistake’ They know that they can say this and they will not be ridiculed or reprimanded.

Lead by example

When creating a psychologically safe space it’s really important that leaders ‘lead by example’ by being approachable, listening to the views of others with an open mind, encouraging questions and acknowledging their own mistakes. They also need to ensure that feedback works both ways downwards as well as upwards. Once the team sees, hears and experiences this they are much more likely to follow suit.

Communicate well

Creating some ground rules on how the teamwork together and communicate will also help, for example, simple things like
not interrupting anyone when they’re speaking, being open to ideas from the entire group, encouraging the quieter members of the team to speak and allowing them time and space to do so. Encouraging the team to be really creative with their suggestions (A diverse team will solve problems creatively and faster) Summarizing what’s been said by reflecting back and checking understanding, and perhaps most importantly discouraging any form of blame culture.

Encouraging the team to keep an open mindset

Keeping and encouraging an open mindset is key to psychological safety, practice rejecting black-and-white thinking. Aim to actively understand the views of others, ask lots of questions and listen closely to the answers. Safely challenge boundaries wherever possible in your work.

Why is psychological safety important?

Psychological safety is critical to ensure that you have a healthy company culture where people feel able to contribute their ideas and be themselves. If people don’t feel psychologically safe they won’t perform at their best and productivity and profitability will suffer. If staff feel psychologically unsafe they may withhold improvement ideas or suggestions that would help the organization achieve its goals. The leadership team will almost certainly know and understand less about what’s happening in their business because their people simply won’t tell them.

You may also see an increase in sickness absence, citing stress as the cause. You might also expect higher staff turnover at huge cost to the organization, (it costs on average 30-50% of base salary to recruit a new member of staff,) but more significantly than high staff turnover, it can cause you an ‘organisational reputation’ problem where talent becomes less interested in joining your business.
Alan Mulally from Ford Motor Co exemplified psychological safety with this statement to staff;

“You are not the problem; you have a problem. Tell us what it is and we’ll fix it together”

Podcast Version

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Keep talking

Talk to your team more than you think you need to. Teams that talk less experience increased feelings of isolation and anxiety. Obviously tell your team about any company changes and updates, inform them about any changes to your flexible working policies and what the implications are. Help your team to prioritise their workload and understand where the ‘give’ is in your team’s agenda. Support a culture of teamwork and collaboration. Give feedback in a timely manner. Develop a culture of praise, use appreciate enquiry where you can [1]

Be available for your team as much as possible.

Be vulnerable

If you can be vulnerable with the team or individuals about your own wellbeing it will build trust. Being open helps us to develop and deepen relationships. Be sure to only share what you feel comfortable with sharing there is no obligation for you or others to ‘over share’ [2]

Check-in with each other

Don’t view it as yet another Zoom meeting…checking in with individuals and teams is critical, do it regularly and with commitment. It’s not always easy to tell if someone is struggling, especially remotely. You can start with ‘How are you?’ but don’t end there…really listen and understand the response, ask follow up questions that show that you’re listening and really care. Make it a proper conversation. If you think that someone is struggling be compassionate, let them share what they want to. Sometimes just to talk is enough other times you may need to ‘signpost’ them to other specialists. The important thing to know is that a) Being heard is very powerful and b) You don’t need to know all of the answers, get help with signposting if you need it.

Be flexible

Keep an open mind about what your team members need, they’re all individuals and will have different needs at different times. Some may be feeling that they can’t ‘switch off and others may be experiencing difficulties with the team dynamics. Be as flexible and accommodating as you can, this doesn’t necessarily mean lowering your standards. Flexibility is often highly valued and when people feel valued they can thrive. Ask your team members what they need, you may be surprised by the results. Promote a culture of open dialogue and involve employees in decisions about how the team is run and how they do their job. Setting this example in your team won’t be forgotten and supports a culture of flexibility and common humanity. [3]

Role model the behaviours you’d like to see

When you role model healthy behaviours it sends a strong message to the team. Managing your own wellbeing allows them to manage theirs, setting your own boundaries allows them to set theirs (not working weekends for example) Don’t forget the impact that your behaviour will have. Let people know that you’re logging off at 5.30 pm or that you will be at the gym from 1-2 pm. Encourage staff to work reasonable hours, take a lunch break, keep fit, take annual leave, rest and recuperate after busy periods, sickness absence will reduce as a result. Role modelling is powerful (and it ensures that you are taking care of yourself too).

Send a clear message to your staff that their wellbeing matters. See whether you can action some of the ideas from the 5 steps above. Adapt them to suit your own team’s needs. You might just create a culture that is open, healthy, trusting and really supportive of the wellbeing of your team.

[1] Appreciative enquiry

https://positivepsychology.com/appreciative-inquiry-process/

[2] Vulnerability Brene Brown – The power of vulnerability

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

[3] Common humanity. Dr Kristen Neff

https://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/

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I have occasional health anxiety, I know what caused it, how it gets triggered and how to manage it. The pandemic didn’t help and when I was invited for my Covid vaccination I had very mixed feelings. Of course, I was going to have it, but I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.

It was almost impossible to avoid the international debate and concern about the Astra Zenica Oxford vaccination and this worried me, perhaps I’d be offered a different type of vaccination and the side effects would be negligible…

On the dreaded Tuesday, I went along to the vaccination centre. We live in the country and the local exhibition space most often used for agricultural shows had been transformed. There were over 200 people in the queue when I got there and we waited outside for a while next to a shed that said ‘Sheep Shearing’ (We moved out of London 7 years ago, I’m a townie at heart, these things still amuse me). As I stood in the immaculately organised, quiet queue I reflected on the conversations with 3 different friends who had rung to describe to me a variation on the theme of ‘actually I’ve been quite ill, but don’t let that put you off’.

Having the vaccination really felt counterintuitive. (I know, I know, I understand the science but the feeling remains) When my anxiety started to rise and I began sentences with ‘What if…” my husband would always respond with “Sweetheart, it’s going to be absolutely fine”

Holistic preparation, safety behaviours or adaptive coping strategies?…

I’d been ‘preparing’ for the last week, with various practices and habits, which, depending on your view might be classed as either ‘holistic preparation’, ‘safety behaviours’ or ‘adaptive coping strategies’ [1]

Daily, nutrient-packed Smoothies, Yoga, to open up my body, my Gratitude practice (grateful that there is a vaccine, grateful that we have it here and that it’s free)

Positive visualisation (I also made up an ‘I am healthy’ song which I’d sing to myself)

All of this along with a growing sense of Social Responsibility  (this really isn’t just about me…) It’s the same feeling that I had when I did jury service, it’s a civic responsibility….

Plus, on a more selfish note, the talk of a vaccination travel passport made for a very compelling argument. I knew that I should do it, it just wasn’t an easy thing to do.

Everyone’s just doing the best they can…

Meanwhile, back in the queue, I had started my breathing techniques, with a bit of yoga thrown in, focusing on slowing my breath, in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 4, breathing in ‘calm’ breathing out ‘peace’ and whilst my coping strategies possibly weren’t that visible, other peoples were. Employing distraction [2] by using a mobile phone was, unsurprisingly a favourite, and there was a man in the queue next to mine who was actually pacing but to adhere to the social distancing measures he was pacing sideways, 3 steps, turn and back. 3 steps, turn and back. Everyone managing the best they could. I don’t want to ‘transfer’ [3] onto everyone who was there that day, it is of course perfectly possible that for some people getting the vaccine was simply an activity that they’d squeezed into their busy day, but for others it wasn’t. It felt to me like a very serious business.

‘I’m not on my own in this’ (Common humanity) and there is some humour in it.

I got to the front of one stage of the queue where a volunteer was quietly managing the allocation of people to the next line. We started a conversation. I asked her how it was volunteering here. “Great she said, I love getting out of the house every day, it’s nice helping people, you’d be surprised how many people get emotional” (Oh THANK GOD!…I’m not on my own it’s not just me that’s feeling slightly overwhelmed by this process) [4]

Did the lovely volunteer see something in me that she recognized or was she simply chatting about her day? Could she have recognized that behind the face-covering and what I hope are vaguely ‘on-trend’ frames albeit now holding a varifocal lens that I too was emotional?

Did she spot it in the body that I was consciously trying to relax?

Another queue and possibly 10 minutes later I finally reached the desk where I was informed that the vaccination being used was the AZ Oxford one and whilst I was registering that and my media biased view on it I was asked quite a few questions, one of which was “Could you possibly be pregnant?” I’m 57, my ovaries now resemble shriveled walnuts, I’ve seen them on a scan, I started to laugh, but it’s difficult to portray lightheartedness through, nerves, a face covering and a perspex screen so I just said ‘”no” for the easiest. [5]

Dr Kate and the 6 wise words…

Having answered all of the questions to what must have been a satisfactory degree, I was allowed forward to see the woman wielding the needle, and what a lovely woman she was. Dr Kate. At a superficial level I liked her immediately because, quite simply, she looked like me. [6] Middle aged with grey curly hair. Except she was a doctor, very clearly volunteering well below her pay grade to give vaccinations. I wondered about her motivation to do this work and what that did to her sense of ‘meaning and purpose’ the sense of psychological purpose and fulfilment [7] She was kind, empathetic and gently humorous (“nobody wants my stickers”) in short she was lovely, and then she said what for me personally were the 6 most profound words of this entire experience “Which arm did you choose today?”

And there it was…My choice in this whole global pandemic.[8]

I got to choose which arm I had the vaccination in.

I found myself imagining a group of psychologists in a zoom meeting carefully phrasing this sentence to ensure that people felt they had a choice, some degree of control. Was the effect of those words debated?  Or was it Dr. Kates depth of experience, highly developed interpersonal skills and emotional intelligence that came to the fore?

“Which arm did you choose today?”

Not only was I ‘all in’, I wore my sticker for the rest of the day.

[1] Holistic preparation, safety behaviours or adaptive coping strategies?

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Richard-Thwaites-3/publication/231971376_Safety-Seeking_Behaviours_Fact_or_Function_How_Can_We_Clinically_Differentiate_Between_Safety_Behaviours_and_Adaptive_Coping_Strategies_Across_Anxiety_Disorders/links/0a85e52fa821591dd0000000/Safety-Seeking-Behaviours-Fact-or-Function-How-Can-We-Clinically-Differentiate-Between-Safety-Behaviours-and-Adaptive-Coping-Strategies-Across-Anxiety-Disorders.pdf

[2] Using distraction for coping with emotions and PTSD https://www.verywellmind.com/coping-with-emotions-with-distraction-2797606

[3] Psychological transference https://thepsychpractice.com/plog/2017/9/13/what-is-transference

[4] ‘I’m not on my own in this’ – Common humanity.  Dr Kristen Neff

Embracing Our Common Humanity With Self-Compassion

[5] Use of humour increases skills of Resilience https://positivepsychology.com/humor-psychology/

[6] Seeing ourselves reflected https://medium.com/owntrail-blog/the-importance-of-seeing-people-that-look-like-us-in-the-places-we-aspire-to-438c2d17cc71

[7] Psychological purpose and fulfilment

The Psychology of Purpose

[8] The importance of choice

The Power of Choice

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Mental health and the pandemic

The burden of mental health disorders following disasters and previous viral outbreaks is well documented. A recent report for mentalhealth.org.uk  [1] looked at the effect of the pandemic on our mental health;

‘Resilience enables us as individuals, communities, nations and as a country, to cope with the stress of the coronavirus pandemic. Whilst 64% of people say that they are coping well with the stress of the pandemic of those who have experienced stress almost nine out of ten 87% are using at least one coping strategy. People have used a wide range of strategies to cope; these most often included going for a walk, spending time in green spaces, and staying connected with others whilst some people are resorting to potentially harmful ways of coping, including increased alcohol consumption, substance misuse, and over-eating, putting their mental and physical health at greater risk’

The Health Foundation’s findings [2] show that when you take into account the effects of social isolation, job and financial losses, housing insecurity and reduced access to Mental Health services you can begin to imagine the sheer numbers of people that are potentially affected.

What can we do to stay psychologically well?

Well, one of the best things that we can do is to manage our emotions. Managing our emotions during this pandemic will increase our resilience. The RQi Resilience Model developed by Dr Matthew Critchlow at the University of Westminster [3] shows that managing our emotions is crucial.

A word on avoidance strategies

‘Avoidance strategies’ are things that we do to remove ourselves from the ‘now’ and our current situation. We choose to spend time avoiding what’s happening. Avoidance strategies can be useful short term but no more than that. Avoidance strategies include Use of alcohol (Too much too often) Distraction (Watching a box set compulsively) and Venting (Lose your temper with others)

Positive strategies to manage our emotions

Acceptance.                                                                                                                                                                                                       

Our ‘contentment’ depends on radical acceptance, focusing on gratitude, and resonating with the positive. It’s really possible to improve the quality of your life with acceptance… Try an exercise in experiencing the five senses. Focus focus on your sight, what can you see around you? Really look at what is in front of you. Next, think about what you can hear what sounds are around you at this moment. What can you smell?  What can you feel? How do clothes feel against your skin?  What can you taste? This exercise will help you to really experience the present moment and focus your attention on what is really happening now.

Think of how you’d retell this event as a funny story in the future.

When something has gone badly or not as well as you would like when you’ve had a disappointment of some kind its understandable that we might struggle. In order to positively reframe your experience, try to imagine how you would describe this incident in humorous way to a group of friends in the future

Give and receive support from others.
Someone who provides you with Emotional support is able to help you to see your way through a difficulty. It’s the person that you can rely on when the chips are down. Emotional support from others is protective for health. Who do you turn to when you need to talk something through? Be open and unguarded with someone you trust and allow them to do the same.

Use humour.
Laughter – especially a hearty laugh – exercises our lungs and has been shown to benefit our circulation and muscles. Studies also show that humour helps people deal with pain and physical adversity. It can change our emotional state. When you’re in a funk watch something that makes you laugh or spend time with friends that you can laugh with and that can help you to find the humour in the situation. Try laughter yoga online or watch something that you find funny.

Four strategies to try that will help you to manage your emotions through the pandemic.

Managing our emotions is just one of the ways that we can increase our resilience.

References;

[1] Coronavirus; Mental health in the pandemic. https://www.mentalhealth.org.uk/our-work/research/coronavirus-mental-health-pandemic/

[2] The Health Foundation https://www.health.org.uk/news-and-comment/blogs/emerging-evidence-on-covid-19s-impact-on-mental-health-and-health

[3] RQi Resilience model, Dr Matthew Critchlow. https://thisisthrive.com/

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At first glance acceptance doesn’t have a great reputation does it? What often springs to mind is defeat. It feels somehow passive, perhaps resigned to settling for less that we had hoped for. It may feel unpalatable and against our every instinct. It feels like giving up.

But it’s not.

Acceptance takes a huge effort. It’s hard work to accept something as it is, especially when it’s not what we’d hoped for or have been working towards.

Definitions of acceptance

So what’s the definition of acceptance?

“It is a person’s assent to the reality of a situation, recognizing a process or condition (often a negative or uncomfortable situation) without attempting to change it or protest it.” [1]

Jon Kabat- Zinn describes acceptance as taking

“A huge amount of fortitude and motivation to accept what is — especially when you don’t like it — and then work wisely and effectively as best you possibly can with the circumstances you find yourself in and with the resources at your disposal, both inner and outer, to mitigate, heal, redirect, and change what can be changed.” [2]

So why is acceptance good for us?

Acceptance helps us to move forward. Acceptance is power.

Deepak Chopra in ‘The 7 laws of spiritual success’ says

“we might want things to be different in the future but in the present moment we need to accept them as they are…”

Whether it’s the global pandemic, questionable politics, a potential redundancy, a company reorganisation, relationship difficulties or financial worries, the outcome is the same. When we refuse to accept reality we create a suffering for ourselves on top of the pain that’s already there. It confuses us further. It’s difficult letting go, but acceptance is often the best and most logical thing to do. The world ‘is as it is’ and it’s up to us to embrace that new reality.

Denying what’s happening will simply keep us stuck and won’t change our circumstances one jot. It can take a while to get used to it, arguably a lifetime, but ask yourself; What’s possible when you let go of your ideas about what should be and embrace what is instead? What would life look like? How would it feel?

It’s important to note that you can still be an activist and work to change the world and your environment whilst practicing acceptance. The two aren’t mutually exclusive.

There’s no doubt that Acceptance requires us to develop some humility, whether our concern is global politics, our work, family or friends. With acceptance, we know that we are not in charge of everything. (… much harder if you’re used to being in a position of power or are a ‘control enthusiast’ 🙂

4 great reasons to practice acceptance

1. Acceptance supports our mental health, builds our resilience and helps us to manage our emotions more effectively.

Denial is an unhealthy place to be for any period of time. It can be physically and emotionally draining. It takes significant energy to deny and avoid. When we stop denying we have more energy and a clearer view of reality.

2. Acceptance can lead to happier relationships.

Acceptance allows us to communicate our own needs, while at the same time accepting someone else’s. Acceptance of the style, approach and quirks of another, along with a healthy dose of mutual respect will undoubtedly be useful.

3. Acceptance means that old feelings are unlikely to re-emerge later on.

 We can often spend inordinate amounts of time ‘mulling over’ why things are the way they are. The first step to moving forward is acceptance of the reality of the situation. If you have resolved the concern and accepted it, it’s unlikely that you will spend time ruminating or rehashing those decisions. Acknowledging our emotions, without being overwhelmed by them or denying them, is important. Self-Compassion is key. If you haven’t seen Kristen Neff’s talk on self-compassion you can find it here [3]

4. Acceptance is good for our health.

Whether it’s in your history, the present moment or the future when we accept we are more able to let go of anger and suffering. The benefits of forgiveness are significant; Less anxiety and stress, lower blood pressure, a stronger immune system. improved heart health and improved self-esteem. What’s not to love about that Iist?

Acceptance is the key to taking power back for ourselves. Acceptance is an absolute strength.

Next steps towards acceptance

Change what you can and accept what you can’t. Some stress sources are completely unavoidable but that doesn’t make it easy to accept them. You as an individual can’t prevent things like a global pandemic, company restructure or family crisis, but what you can do is look for opportunities in your new reality and treat yourself with kindness through the process.

 “Learning to accept ourselves, warts and all, and being kinder to ourselves when things go wrong, increases our enjoyment of life, our resilience and our well-being. It also helps us accept others as they are.” [4]

References

[1] Wikipedia

[2] Jon Kabat-Zinn’s in Coming to Our Senses: Healing Ourselves and the World Through Mindfulness: 

[3] Kristen Neff Self Compassion on TED https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=11U0h0DPu7k&feature=emb_logo

[4] Action for happiness

Read more about Janette Kirk-Willis and read her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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But what do we mean by ‘managing our boundaries?’, have a look at the list below and see if you recognise any of the following;

Do you ever…

·       feel unable to say ‘no’ for fear of what others will think of you or through fear that you might be rejected from the team or group that you value?

·       Feel responsible for the happiness of others?

·       Feel that others are making the decisions in your life and feel disempowered as a result?

·       Share too much information too soon or alternatively not express your needs and wants at all?

All of these feelings and actions may be an indication of unhealthy boundaries and they certainly won’t enable you to manage your resilience going forward.

What are boundaries within relationships and why are they import Boundaries tell people where the line is…It’s the invisible line that we communicate as our limit. Boundaries can be physical, emotional, political, intellectual and time-based.

We’ve all had instances where we’ve allowed our boundaries to be pushed. The extra work with an unreasonable deadline, the family responsibility that is suddenly exclusively ours, and the dismissal of our thoughts and ideas as irrelevant. It feels uncomfortable to have our boundaries breached. If you’re unsure whether your boundary has been breached notice how you’re feeling – If you feel anger or resentment or find yourself complaining, you probably need to set a boundary.

It’s critical that we manage our boundaries effectively and communicate our views, needs and wants in our relationships. This sends a clear message to others about our views, beliefs and what we will and won’t tolerate. It also increases our self-esteem and increases the level of respect we get from others. It enables us to have more positive meaningful interactions and sets limits in our relationships in a way that is healthy.

What stops us setting boundaries…?

When we look at it logically it seems ridiculous to imagine that anyone would want their boundaries violated, so why do we allow it? Well, mostly its fear; fear of confrontation, fear of rejection, fear of not being loved by the other person anymore and fear of abandonment. Guilt also plays a huge part. ‘What if’…I don’t do this and something bad happens?

Lots of us weren’t taught about boundaries and certainly not how to maintain healthy ones, so here are some guidelines on how to do it.

How to set healthy boundaries…

·      Decide what’s important to you and what’s not negotiable.

·      Communicate that being clear, direct, firm and respectful.

·      Don’t negotiate, defend yourself or spend time explaining the detail. Your decision is final.

·      Once your boundaries are clearly communicated take action that supports them. (i.e. do not send mixed messages by apologising)

·      If it helps, enlist moral support at the start, until you get used to it.

·      Don’t give in, stay strong, remind yourself that you have a right to self-care.

Learning to set healthy boundaries takes time. It is a process. Be patient with yourself, practice until you feel more confident.

Setting clear boundaries means that we focus on what’s right for us. Boundaries allow us to be in charge, choosing what we allow inside our lives and therefore helping us to become more resilient. It’s important to remember that you are not responsible for the other person’s reaction to the boundary you are setting. If it upsets them, know that it’s their problem.…. if you don’t manage your boundaries you give yourself away.

References: Boundaries: Where You End and I Begin by Anne Katherine

Read more about Janette Kirk-Willis and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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It concerns me that the focus for some organisations is on providing Mental Health First Aiders (MHFA’s) rather than ‘Wellbeing Advocates’

Mental Health First Aid is about responding to someone exhibiting signs of distress or changed behaviours. It is, by its very nature, the equivalent of offering a sticking plaster when someone is on the edge.

And how do we look after the MHFA’s?

–       Is their training thorough enough?

–       Who supports and supervises them?

–       Don’t they need an appropriate background to deal with mental health?

–       What happens if they get called outside of working hours?

–       What happens if their conversations turn into counselling, where does the professional liability lie then? And what responsibility does the organization have?

–       If your MHFA is put into a situation where they need to support someone who is struggling what can they realistically do?

If an employee is really struggling they’re often going to need more than signposting.

‘Why would we wait until this critical point’?

…why wait until someone is struggling when we know right now what actions and interventions can help individuals?

Why wouldn’t we put in place a programme where the employee takes responsibility for their own mental health and wellbeing and can follow a programme proven to support them and keep them well. This is available right now.

Small changes make a really big difference. The research shows us that these interventions can keep us healthy, enable us to live longer, build our relationships, improve our mood and even reduce the risk of depression.

What do we need to do to build our wellbeing and avoid running into mental health difficulties?

We have a wealth of research, information and interventions from the field of Positive Psychology and Coaching Psychology that can guide us through this.

There are numerous models of wellbeing but broadly they fall into the following 5 categories;

An active body

Managing our own physiology is key. Movement and exercise helps with activation, it gets us out of our heads and into our bodies, stops rumination and gets the endorphins flowing and that always feels good, (think the runner’s high and the yogi’s tranquility) The NHS guidelines on activity are that we aim for 30 mins a day 5 days a week.

What can I do?

In a nutshell, anything that gets you moving.

–       Join a gym

–       Run

–       Swim

–       Gardening

–       Walk

–       Use the stairs

An active mind

Lifelong learners are some of the healthiest, happiest people around.

Keeping an active, curious mind is important. Whether its keeping up to date with new technology, being politically curious in these turbulent times or taking a course- they all help.

What can I do?

–       Read

–       Learn to play an instrument

–       Take up Taiko

–       Take that course you’ve always wondered about doing

–       Learn a new language – the research shows that learning a new language helps us to learn other things more quickly too.

Contributing (to something bigger than ourselves)

Understand our meaning and purpose in life isn’t always easy but finding a cause to support and contribute to can be one of the most rewarding things you’ll ever do.

Volunteering and being involved connects us to something bigger than ourselves, giving us perspective, and that’s important for our psychological health. If you’re not sure what your purpose is in life start with something that simply appeals to you…

What can I do?

-Complete a charity challenge anything from walking up Kilimanjaro to helping with a local beach clean or litter pick up.

– Volunteer for a charity close to your heart.

-Offer to give someone a lift.

-Fundraise for a worthy cause.

People focus

Whether you’re an extrovert or an introvert connection with people is critical. Good relationships with friends and family can add years to our lives. From a simple coffee and a catch up to a good networking event or the party of the year, they’re all beneficial.

What can I do?

-Go networking

-Connect with different people that you meet

-Reconnect with people you’ve lost touch with.

-Plan a party

-Meet up with people for a coffee and a chat.

Being in the now

Unless you’ve been living under a rock for the last 5 years you’ll have heard of or experienced mindfulness. Mindfulness helps us to press the ‘pause’ button, slow down and gain more clarity. It’s proven to reduce our heart rate and reduce stress. It gives us chance to step back for a period and literally catch our breath.

What can I do?

-Practice mindfulness for 5 mins every day to start with.

-Really notice what’s going on around you… like you’re looking at it for the first time.

– Try meditation, either via an app or ideally with others.

-Walk in the woods if you can – ‘forest bathing’ is very rejuvenating

– Listen to music

All of these simple interventions can help us to maintain our levels of wellbeing.

Getting the balance of all of the categories above is absolutely key.

Ideally you’d measure your wellbeing levels prior to starting your programme and if you’d like to do that, look at running wellbeing workshops, and get involved with other positive psychology interventions and resilience practices do get in touch, I’d be delighted to help.

About the author: Janette Kirk-Willis

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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