A new kind of normal

COVID caused and in some places is very sadly still causing, separation from family and friends and a lack of any kind of social contact. Even though life for many of us is beginning to look like it did before, nothing is the same as it was. So many people have suffered huge hardships, anxiety, loneliness, and loss. In Israel, where I now live, COVID is almost gone, and life is almost back to what we might think as ‘normal’. Except it isn’t the normal we knew before. I am watching the joy of people hugging parents, children, and friends again. There is an atmosphere of relief, appreciation, and a strong sense of zest for life and making the most of the moment.

Missing hugs

Larissa Meijer and colleagues’ (2021) recent study showed that touch-starved people rate touch more highly than usual, even when only viewing touch on video. Nothing makes up for hugging our friends and family. Touch and connection to others are imperative for human wellbeing and before the pandemic, we may have taken hugging our friends, children, and extended family for granted. I know I wasn’t alone on rating hugs as one of the things I missed most during lockdown, and it is wonderful to see and experience human contact happening. again, outside of cyberspace.

Managing life in lockdown

Weeks of enforced aloneness provided me with a chance to reflect on many things, but then I did not have to manage a young family and juggling a job. Yet those who did have to juggle demonstrated incredible creativity, adaptability, and resilience.  Many of us worked from home at least some of the time during the lengthy lockdowns of the pandemic, so boundaries became blurred between work time and family/social time. Mariana Toniolo-Barrios and Leyland Pitt’s (2021) recent study found that it is harder to say no to the extra tasks, when you are not commuting, and you are working from your bedroom, lounge, or kitchen table. Work/life balance, a valuable commodity even before the pandemic, for many of us, ceased to exist.

The side effects of solitude

Simultaneously, the pressure of what to do socially, having to dress up and show up, meant a welcome break for many, from meeting both our own expectations and those of others. My move abroad meant that lockdowns were incredibly challenging and as a usually sociable person, I was grateful to work in an industry where I at least got to see my work colleagues. I managed to enjoy my own company by staying connected online and working, but many peoples’ mental health suffered greatly, as a result of being confined. Solitude leaves us with fewer options to distract ourselves from difficult feelings. It will take time for people to recover from what has been an incredibly challenging period.

Moving mindfully forward

As we have come back to the rhythm of life we were used to pre-COVID, I am even more grateful for the pleasure of appreciating what you can see, when you can only walk a little way from your house or look out of the window. I am grateful for understanding that it is OK to stop and just be. Experiencing companionship, friendship, family, and connectedness again in person has given us an opportunity to become more focused on what we want to reintroduce into our lives. Things which were taken for granted, as part of the everyday act of living, have become noticeable and alongside the devastation of the virus, many experienced a renewed sense of awe and gratitude for the simplest of pleasures. Whereas before, we may just have walked on and ignored these everyday sources of beauty, whilst wrapped up in our thoughts or ‘busy-ness’, a flower, the greenness of grass against a blue sky, a butterfly, birdsong or the warmth of the sun became focal points.

I hope we can hang on to the knowledge of what we lost and value what we have had returned to us. If we can remain mindful of what we missed, maybe the gratitude and joy of having our lives back can help us to build a more meaningful future, where we make the space for what really matters, appreciate the small things and make the most of our gift of life.

References

Meijer, L. L., Hasenack, B., Kamps, J., Mahon, A., Titone, G., Dijkerman, H. C., & Keizer, A. (2021). Out of

touch: Touch deprivation and affective touch perception during the COVID-19

pandemic. PsyArXiv. June, 8.

Toniolo-Barrios, M., & Pitt, L. (2021). Mindfulness and the challenges of working from home in times of

crisis. Business Horizons, 64(2), 189-197.

Read more about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The benefits of talking in groups

One of the things many people have noticed during the pandemic is how much they miss meeting in groups. We have been fortunate that technology has helped us address this to some extent via videoconferencing platforms. Indeed, some people have found that they have connected more with family and friends because they have had to be organised about it. They even aim to continue meeting in this way when it proves impossible to synchronise everyone’s diaries for a (guideline permitted) face to face meeting. Talking with other people helps boost our sense of connectedness, allows us to reflect on what we have been doing and gain feedback and affirmation. It promotes interest and curiosity in others, widens and challenges our perspective and ultimately both builds the social relationships vital to our wellbeing and encourages personal growth, as we learn vicariously from the experiences of others. We are social creatures and we learn and thrive from being with one another.

Life’s big questions

Another related gift of the pandemic has, perhaps, also been a shakeup of our values and engagement with meaning. When we can’t see people, we notice we miss them. When people are dying and our lives disrupted we tend to ask questions like; “what really matters?”, “who do I value more, my delivery driver or my accountant?”, “how do I balance physical health risk to myself and others with mental health needs?” These touch on life’s big questions, what’s it all about, why are we here, what kind of society do we want to live in, what do I want to do with my life? Even apparently straightforward questions such as “what makes me happy?” are not as easy to answer as you might first think.

The topics of happiness, meaning, purpose, values, authenticity and compassion are key subjects in PP. Talking with others about these issues is invaluable in helping us find our own answers. Modern culture does not provide many opportunities to contemplate these issues. Many people are disengaged from religion and politics, which are the traditional arenas for such discussions. I would argue that PP offers a great forum for engaging with these issues and a variety of means to interact with others in exploring them. PP research also has interesting and sometimes counterintuitive findings which can help promote exploration. So whatever your background, if you are seeking to understand the world and your place in it better, here are some PP based suggestions for your journey.

Take a course

There are loads of courses in PP, from full-on Masters courses which require committed academic study and assessment through to short workshops. PP is crucially not considered to be a spectator sport, learning about it involves working on trying interventions on yourself before you look at applying them to help others, so all such courses tend to include personal growth and reflection elements.

I’m a part-time associate lecturer on the Buckinghamshire New University MSc in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) course. One of the things that comes out of research into people’s experiences of MAPP courses, is the value placed on interacting with like-minded people. It is certainly my experience that students learn hugely from one another and I (and my fellow tutors) feel we are continuously developing from the new ideas, experiences and perspectives that different people bring to talking about wellbeing and the questions of what makes a good life. Most courses include elements of both large and small group discussion as part of the learning process. The pandemic has accelerated the provision of full distance learning so that many courses can now be accessed by people across the world. Although there is likely to be a move towards face-to-face teaching elements as this becomes permitted again, I think the core online teaching forums for many courses will persist and this has to be good for cross-cultural inclusion.

Many shorter PP courses, from a variety of providers, at different levels, are available online, in person or as blended learning. Whatever your level of interest, interface preference, available time and financial resources, there is likely to be something to suit you. There are even some free courses! Try and make sure the course you choose matches what you want to get out of it, be it personal and/or professional development. These websites provide some ideas, although there are lots of other choices https://positivepsychologyonlinecourses.com/ https://ppnetwork.org/

Join a discussion group

If you don’t want to study but want to engage informally with looking at how PP ideas can help you in your life, then a great place to look is Action For Happiness (https://www.actionforhappiness.org/). This is a UK based charity (with some international branches) committed to building a happier, more caring society. They organise small groups, which are currently online, known as 10 keys to happier living groups. These are run by volunteers and supported by Action for Happiness. They provide an excellent means for connecting with others and exploring ideas around wellbeing. The website also has lots of free resources to download and practical ideas to try and again all of it is based on the science of PP.

Join a community of practice

PP as a discipline has expanded rapidly since its inception in the late 1990s. There are now many practitioners using PP approaches as part of their work in coaching, counselling, therapy, fitness, sport, teams, businesses, schools and organisations. Partly because PP spans so many diverse areas of intervention, it’s not easy for those who primarily identify as PP practitioners to find a professional home. This is important because, while PP Practitioners are not currently a regulated profession, it is necessary and integral to the philosophy behind PP, for practitioners to engage in continuing professional development.

As with other professions, this involves facilitating ethical, reflective practice and ongoing growth in terms of updating and extending knowledge and skills. The Positive Psychology Guild (https://ppnetwork.org/) is a not for profit organisation that aims to provide this home for PP professionals. It offers benefits including networking, insurance, publications and professional practice guidelines, as well as affiliate membership for those who use PP in their work in allied areas. I’ve recently joined the PP Guild team, part-time, in the role of setting up Communities of Practice. This initiative aims to provide small groups to facilitate peer learning, networking and support for PP Practitioners. This aims to encourage individual development, promote professional, ethical practice standards and further the standing of the discipline as a whole. Even for those highly qualified and experienced in PP, ongoing peer interaction is vital for growth.

Conclusion

From beginner to qualified practitioner, connecting with groups of people to explore your understanding of the big questions in life looked at in PP research, theory and practice is a great way to foster personal and professional development. I hope I’ve given you something to think about, wherever you are on your journey. If we want PP research, knowledge, techniques and principles to be able to really change our world for the better, as advocated in third-wave PP, such communities need to develop and connect to create a network for change at every level of society.

Read more about Sarah Monk and her other articles HERE

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Sh*t happens

In 2004 I was offered the chance to run my own business and it went really well. By year 4 I had ambitious plans to expand, everything felt right, I was building a team that had plenty of happy customers, and so I drew up a series of goals for the business and what I was going to do with the money I was going to make. What could possibly go wrong? I don’t think anyone saw the bank crash coming. Overnight my company went from big profit to big loss, we had to re-evaluate everything and the goals I had set up were quickly set aside. A few years later my marriage broke down and with it all my personal goals.

Ten years later my life had turned around, my business and personal life was going well, I had a whole lot of new goals and defined pathways to reach them. This time there would be nothing to hold me back, I’d put in place contingencies for another bank crash, I had a degree under my belt and was ready for new opportunities. Who would have thought that the whole world would come to a standstill because of a virus? I never saw that coming. It was like every one of the pathways to my goals had “road closed” barriers put in front of them. We were now in a very uncertain time with no idea how the world would be going forward. It was a very anxious time for me, I even went into denial and convinced myself it was all just a hoax, everything I was working towards was now up in the air.

But it’s not always been bad news.

The joy of reaching a goal

I have over the years accomplished many things and hit quite a large number of my goals. Hitting a goal has always brought some joy and a sense of achievement. However, there are two things I began to realise, first it somehow never quite felt as I imagined it. Yes, I was pleased with myself, but I often thought I would be more pleased than I actually was. The second was that there was a feeling of emptiness, the goal had been reached so what do I do now? I have heard about this from a lot of pop starts and sports stars who have achieved great things and reached the top of their profession. They have nothing else to achieve so they end up depressed and, in some case, turn to drink or drugs. I never quite got to that stage, but I was missing something when the goal was achieved, I no longer had hope.

Time to smell the roses

As the pandemic went on, things in my life started to change. Once I had come to terms with having to spend time alone, I began to get involved in activities I hadn’t been involved with before. I took a keen interest in my garden, starting growing plants form seed, learnt to cook, volunteered for a charity, and supported local businesses where I could. These were not goals as such, I had no pathway, although I did have agency, but they were very enjoyable. I loved watching my garden grow, my cooking was delicious with lots of new flavours, I made some people very happy with my charity work, and made friends with some local shopkeepers.

I discovered that by following hope theory I had missed so much. I live in a beautiful part of the world and yet a lot of my goals were based around visiting other places. The volunteering was based around dog walking, and in walking dogs, I started to discover just how beautiful my hometown is. I walked up local hills, walked to the local beach, found places in the town that I never knew existed.

Whilst doing these activities I often got into a state of flow, where I was enjoying the moment so much, I lost all track of time. I also found myself getting to know my neighbours better and had many a good chat over the garden fence. I also met people when out dog walking and even saw people I knew but had not seen for a while and enjoyed our socially distanced chats.

There is only Now

According to Eckhart Tolle there is only now, the past has gone, and future is yet to be written. Whilst I’d read the book, I don’t think I ever practised it until the future became so uncertain. What I found myself doing was living in the “Now”. Each day I would get up and look forward to doing just the simplest things and a year or so after the start of the lockdown I discovered something, I felt happier and more content. I appreciated my friends, my home, my garden and local area more, and noticed things around me.
Coming out of lockdown

So, what happens when everything opens up again, I can set new goals and the pathways will be there, but will the agency be there? I have been forced to slow down and appreciate what I have and found new skills I never knew I had. I am looking forward to being able to spend more time with my friends and family and being able to hug them again, and I have a feeling I will appreciate them more and be happy to spend quality time with them.

I have read so much about how good it feels to live in the moment, but it is probably something I would never had done until I was forced to do so. My life has taken on a whole new meaning.

Read more about Steve Emery and his other articles HERE

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Keep talking

Talk to your team more than you think you need to. Teams that talk less experience increased feelings of isolation and anxiety. Obviously tell your team about any company changes and updates, inform them about any changes to your flexible working policies and what the implications are. Help your team to prioritise their workload and understand where the ‘give’ is in your team’s agenda. Support a culture of teamwork and collaboration. Give feedback in a timely manner. Develop a culture of praise, use appreciate enquiry where you can [1]

Be available for your team as much as possible.

Be vulnerable

If you can be vulnerable with the team or individuals about your own wellbeing it will build trust. Being open helps us to develop and deepen relationships. Be sure to only share what you feel comfortable with sharing there is no obligation for you or others to ‘over share’ [2]

Check-in with each other

Don’t view it as yet another Zoom meeting…checking in with individuals and teams is critical, do it regularly and with commitment. It’s not always easy to tell if someone is struggling, especially remotely. You can start with ‘How are you?’ but don’t end there…really listen and understand the response, ask follow up questions that show that you’re listening and really care. Make it a proper conversation. If you think that someone is struggling be compassionate, let them share what they want to. Sometimes just to talk is enough other times you may need to ‘signpost’ them to other specialists. The important thing to know is that a) Being heard is very powerful and b) You don’t need to know all of the answers, get help with signposting if you need it.

Be flexible

Keep an open mind about what your team members need, they’re all individuals and will have different needs at different times. Some may be feeling that they can’t ‘switch off and others may be experiencing difficulties with the team dynamics. Be as flexible and accommodating as you can, this doesn’t necessarily mean lowering your standards. Flexibility is often highly valued and when people feel valued they can thrive. Ask your team members what they need, you may be surprised by the results. Promote a culture of open dialogue and involve employees in decisions about how the team is run and how they do their job. Setting this example in your team won’t be forgotten and supports a culture of flexibility and common humanity. [3]

Role model the behaviours you’d like to see

When you role model healthy behaviours it sends a strong message to the team. Managing your own wellbeing allows them to manage theirs, setting your own boundaries allows them to set theirs (not working weekends for example) Don’t forget the impact that your behaviour will have. Let people know that you’re logging off at 5.30 pm or that you will be at the gym from 1-2 pm. Encourage staff to work reasonable hours, take a lunch break, keep fit, take annual leave, rest and recuperate after busy periods, sickness absence will reduce as a result. Role modelling is powerful (and it ensures that you are taking care of yourself too).

Send a clear message to your staff that their wellbeing matters. See whether you can action some of the ideas from the 5 steps above. Adapt them to suit your own team’s needs. You might just create a culture that is open, healthy, trusting and really supportive of the wellbeing of your team.

[1] Appreciative enquiry

https://positivepsychology.com/appreciative-inquiry-process/

[2] Vulnerability Brene Brown – The power of vulnerability

https://www.ted.com/talks/brene_brown_the_power_of_vulnerability?language=en

[3] Common humanity. Dr Kristen Neff

https://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/

Read more about Janette Kirk-Willis and her other articles HERE

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Even before the pandemic, I don’t know anyone who has come through life without facing their own personal challenges and crises and sometimes, it is useful to start with taking a step back and observing our own situation in a more detached way. Mindfulness researcher Jon Kabat-Zinn (2012) reminds us that the events we have experienced until now have already happened to us; we can’t change them, but we can change the way we react to and overcome stressful situations. The ways we find to manage life will be unique to each of us; what works for some may not work for others but here are a few ideas about remaining grounded and resilient, no matter what is going on around us.

Mindfully observing the ‘movie’ of our own lives

Practising mindfulness can help us switch off panic and anxiety and begin to think differently. Stopping to watch how our own life movie is unfolding, without judging it or trying to fix what we don’t like, can help us to detach from being ‘in’ our experience. Mindful pauses can help us break stressful patterns of thought and find clarity and even for just a few minutes a day, mindfulness practice can slow our heart rate and positively refocus our attention.

How many of us are actively holding our breath, or holding stress and tension in our bodies, when this serves no purpose apart from perpetuating the anxiety cycle? I know I have caught myself responding this way to stress.  Changing this behaviour can be achieved through some easy mindfulness practice and kinder self-talk.  A simple trigger word like ‘relax’, as a reminder to self to release tension we are holding and taking a couple of minutes for focused deep breathing can really help with changing your state of mind. There are many mindfulness and meditation apps which with just a few minutes a day, can help us build a habit that research has shown can lead to increased ability to cope with both expected and unexpected life events.

Grounded in gratitude

Many people have expressed to me that gratitude is really difficult to experience when in the middle of a challenging life event. For many, negative emotions like anger and fear, can be all-consuming for a period of time. Yet this is when we might need gratitude more than ever. The most grateful people I know are those who are able to appreciate life’s little miracles, despite their circumstances. Gratitude is a behavioural trait, with some people possessing a natural tendency to be grateful, but it is also a practice that we can all learn. A recent study by Cousin et.al., (2020), suggests that practicing gratitude may literally help heal a broken heart, by changing our biomarkers for heart disease.

So how can we become more grateful? Again, start small. Notice little things during your day which make you smile and actively think about and appreciate them for a few moments. Then start writing about them at the end of the day, even just a few of them for a few minutes. It can be anything; a sunset, a flower, a conversation with a friend, anything which makes your heart sing. Even over a short time period of a couple of weeks, gratitude journaling can have a positive effect on mindset and set up a habit for keeping us open to the great things in our lives that might get lost in the noise of living.

Our thoughts are not things

As conscious beings, we all have thousands of thoughts a day, as part of our own unique lived experience. But whether our thoughts are good or bad, they are simply thoughts. We may experience many feelings based on our thoughts, but our thinking is not our permanent reality. Sidney Banks’ work on The Three Principles considers wellbeing and mental health from the psychospiritual perspective that we are all innately resilient and mentally healthy, no matter what is happening around us.

Pransky and Kelly’s (2014) study discussed working with the Three Principles in various therapeutic settings, suggested that participants experienced a shift in consciousness towards a more resilient way of being, despite particularly challenging circumstances. If you have never come across Sidney Banks’ work on The Three Principles, it is worth exploring this simple yet profound understanding.

Small changes for big results

As we move on with life, through an ever-changing path of discovery and while are no right or wrong ways to manage the challenges in our lives, working on even small changes can help us remain resilient and ready for our next challenges. Small shifts in our behaviours can have a long-lasting impact, enabling us to continue to embrace and grow from our experiences so that we can thrive, now and in the future.

References

Cousin, L., Redwine, L., Bricker, C., Kip, K., & Buck, H. (2020). Effect of gratitude on cardiovascular health outcomes: a state-of-the-science review. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 1-8.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2012). Mindfulness for beginners: Reclaiming the present moment—and your life. Sounds True.

Pransky, J., & Kelley, T. M. (2014). Three principles for realizing mental health: A new psychospiritual view. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 9(1), 53-68.

Read more about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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I have occasional health anxiety, I know what caused it, how it gets triggered and how to manage it. The pandemic didn’t help and when I was invited for my Covid vaccination I had very mixed feelings. Of course, I was going to have it, but I wasn’t exactly looking forward to it.

It was almost impossible to avoid the international debate and concern about the Astra Zenica Oxford vaccination and this worried me, perhaps I’d be offered a different type of vaccination and the side effects would be negligible…

On the dreaded Tuesday, I went along to the vaccination centre. We live in the country and the local exhibition space most often used for agricultural shows had been transformed. There were over 200 people in the queue when I got there and we waited outside for a while next to a shed that said ‘Sheep Shearing’ (We moved out of London 7 years ago, I’m a townie at heart, these things still amuse me). As I stood in the immaculately organised, quiet queue I reflected on the conversations with 3 different friends who had rung to describe to me a variation on the theme of ‘actually I’ve been quite ill, but don’t let that put you off’.

Having the vaccination really felt counterintuitive. (I know, I know, I understand the science but the feeling remains) When my anxiety started to rise and I began sentences with ‘What if…” my husband would always respond with “Sweetheart, it’s going to be absolutely fine”

Holistic preparation, safety behaviours or adaptive coping strategies?…

I’d been ‘preparing’ for the last week, with various practices and habits, which, depending on your view might be classed as either ‘holistic preparation’, ‘safety behaviours’ or ‘adaptive coping strategies’ [1]

Daily, nutrient-packed Smoothies, Yoga, to open up my body, my Gratitude practice (grateful that there is a vaccine, grateful that we have it here and that it’s free)

Positive visualisation (I also made up an ‘I am healthy’ song which I’d sing to myself)

All of this along with a growing sense of Social Responsibility  (this really isn’t just about me…) It’s the same feeling that I had when I did jury service, it’s a civic responsibility….

Plus, on a more selfish note, the talk of a vaccination travel passport made for a very compelling argument. I knew that I should do it, it just wasn’t an easy thing to do.

Everyone’s just doing the best they can…

Meanwhile, back in the queue, I had started my breathing techniques, with a bit of yoga thrown in, focusing on slowing my breath, in for a count of 4 and out for a count of 4, breathing in ‘calm’ breathing out ‘peace’ and whilst my coping strategies possibly weren’t that visible, other peoples were. Employing distraction [2] by using a mobile phone was, unsurprisingly a favourite, and there was a man in the queue next to mine who was actually pacing but to adhere to the social distancing measures he was pacing sideways, 3 steps, turn and back. 3 steps, turn and back. Everyone managing the best they could. I don’t want to ‘transfer’ [3] onto everyone who was there that day, it is of course perfectly possible that for some people getting the vaccine was simply an activity that they’d squeezed into their busy day, but for others it wasn’t. It felt to me like a very serious business.

‘I’m not on my own in this’ (Common humanity) and there is some humour in it.

I got to the front of one stage of the queue where a volunteer was quietly managing the allocation of people to the next line. We started a conversation. I asked her how it was volunteering here. “Great she said, I love getting out of the house every day, it’s nice helping people, you’d be surprised how many people get emotional” (Oh THANK GOD!…I’m not on my own it’s not just me that’s feeling slightly overwhelmed by this process) [4]

Did the lovely volunteer see something in me that she recognized or was she simply chatting about her day? Could she have recognized that behind the face-covering and what I hope are vaguely ‘on-trend’ frames albeit now holding a varifocal lens that I too was emotional?

Did she spot it in the body that I was consciously trying to relax?

Another queue and possibly 10 minutes later I finally reached the desk where I was informed that the vaccination being used was the AZ Oxford one and whilst I was registering that and my media biased view on it I was asked quite a few questions, one of which was “Could you possibly be pregnant?” I’m 57, my ovaries now resemble shriveled walnuts, I’ve seen them on a scan, I started to laugh, but it’s difficult to portray lightheartedness through, nerves, a face covering and a perspex screen so I just said ‘”no” for the easiest. [5]

Dr Kate and the 6 wise words…

Having answered all of the questions to what must have been a satisfactory degree, I was allowed forward to see the woman wielding the needle, and what a lovely woman she was. Dr Kate. At a superficial level I liked her immediately because, quite simply, she looked like me. [6] Middle aged with grey curly hair. Except she was a doctor, very clearly volunteering well below her pay grade to give vaccinations. I wondered about her motivation to do this work and what that did to her sense of ‘meaning and purpose’ the sense of psychological purpose and fulfilment [7] She was kind, empathetic and gently humorous (“nobody wants my stickers”) in short she was lovely, and then she said what for me personally were the 6 most profound words of this entire experience “Which arm did you choose today?”

And there it was…My choice in this whole global pandemic.[8]

I got to choose which arm I had the vaccination in.

I found myself imagining a group of psychologists in a zoom meeting carefully phrasing this sentence to ensure that people felt they had a choice, some degree of control. Was the effect of those words debated?  Or was it Dr. Kates depth of experience, highly developed interpersonal skills and emotional intelligence that came to the fore?

“Which arm did you choose today?”

Not only was I ‘all in’, I wore my sticker for the rest of the day.

[1] Holistic preparation, safety behaviours or adaptive coping strategies?

https://www.researchgate.net/profile/Richard-Thwaites-3/publication/231971376_Safety-Seeking_Behaviours_Fact_or_Function_How_Can_We_Clinically_Differentiate_Between_Safety_Behaviours_and_Adaptive_Coping_Strategies_Across_Anxiety_Disorders/links/0a85e52fa821591dd0000000/Safety-Seeking-Behaviours-Fact-or-Function-How-Can-We-Clinically-Differentiate-Between-Safety-Behaviours-and-Adaptive-Coping-Strategies-Across-Anxiety-Disorders.pdf

[2] Using distraction for coping with emotions and PTSD https://www.verywellmind.com/coping-with-emotions-with-distraction-2797606

[3] Psychological transference https://thepsychpractice.com/plog/2017/9/13/what-is-transference

[4] ‘I’m not on my own in this’ – Common humanity.  Dr Kristen Neff

Embracing Our Common Humanity With Self-Compassion

[5] Use of humour increases skills of Resilience https://positivepsychology.com/humor-psychology/

[6] Seeing ourselves reflected https://medium.com/owntrail-blog/the-importance-of-seeing-people-that-look-like-us-in-the-places-we-aspire-to-438c2d17cc71

[7] Psychological purpose and fulfilment

The Psychology of Purpose

[8] The importance of choice

The Power of Choice

Read more about Janette Kirk-Willis and her other articles HERE

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A number of my family members and friends have birthdays near the beginning of the year. The usually joyful question of; “What are you doing for your birthday this year?” has recently been met with; “Well we can’t really do anything can we?” In the UK we are in our third Covid-19 lockdown so, admittedly, opportunities are not as abundant as usual. An exercise I often use with coaching clients, called A Beautiful Day (adapted from Proyer et al. 2016) might provide some help, not just for the big days but when you need an unbirthday pick-me-up too. I hope to explain this exercise, talk about what insights it can bring and outline some of the science behind it.

Planning a beautiful day

To plan a beautiful day for yourself, you start by thinking about what things really bring you pleasure. I know many of the people and things we love may be out of reach at present, so it’s important to stick within the realms of what is possible. If I had a magic wand I would miraculously be able to fit into a size 8 swimming costume and be teleported to a beach in Mauritius where I would swim in the crystal clear ocean and eat the most delicious seafood with all my close family and best friends. But this exercise is not about wishful thinking, it is about realistically interrogating the who, what, how and why of what brings us joy in our everyday life. We are actually not always good at predicting this, but I invite you to think about it and test it out. Write down all the things you feel you really love doing, seeing, experiencing. Try to think about engaging all your senses and be creative. Make a plan for a day that incorporates as many of these elements as possible and try it out.

If you’re feeling stuck here are some ideas based on my views or things clients have told me. Focus on things you can do, not on things you can’t.

• I love candles and fairy lights, I have them in my home but rarely light them/ turn them on.
• Sitting by an open fire with my favourite drink and watching the flames.
• Reading my book in a bubble bath.
• Dressing up and wearing my favourite jewellery.
• Playing a board game with my family rather than scrolling social media.
• My daily walk often feels like a chore to tick off the list but I live in a beautiful place and love to watch the ducks.
• I love lasagne and I haven’t made it for ages.
• My sister always makes me laugh, but we are always in a rush when we speak.
• Lying on the sofa in the dark listening to Pink Floyd (substitute favourite music).
• I love playing my piano/ reading poetry/ drawing/ baking but I never get round to it.
• I haven’t made popcorn and watched “The Princess Bride” (substitute favourite film) in years.
• Putting clean sheets on my bed then having an early night with a good book/ box set/ or even partner!

Once you have decided the realistic elements of your beautiful day and got buy in from other people, where necessary, set a date and go for it.

What can this exercise teach us?

After you have had your beautiful day, it’s important to reflect on it. How did you feel? What were the things you enjoyed most? Was there anything you didn’t enjoy as much as you thought you would? What would you do differently if you did it again? The idea is to learn as much as you can about the nature of the things that help you to experience positive emotions and also perhaps the things which may block or sabotage these experiences. This will be different for everyone but insight into your actual experience, rather than what you predict might happen, is a key starting point. If you can understand the things that help you experience positive emotions you can find ways to incorporate these activities into your life more systematically.

What is the science?

Why might this exercise help wellbeing from a scientific point of view? Psychologically there are probably three key factors underlying the benefits. Firstly, we are bringing and directing our attention to be mindful of our experience. We encourage ourselves to be present in what we are doing rather than mindlessly going about our day on autopilot. This quality of attention is good for our wellbeing as well as providing an opportunity to learn about ourselves and grow. Mindful awareness can change our perspective and the way we interact with the world and invites focus on and appreciation of “what is”.

Secondly, we are facilitating engagement with positive emotions. We know that positive emotions are good for us and they open us up to new ways of thinking, relating and being. They promote curiosity, creativity, playfulness and ultimately foster resilience. Positive emotions can also counteract or at least balance the impact on our mind and body of negative emotions and experiences and there have been plenty of those lately for many people.

Thirdly, planning a beautiful day sets our intention to fun, being kind to ourselves, embracing the fullness of life and giving ourselves permission to be human beings rather than human doings. Of course we all do need to get things done in life to survive and thrive but all too often we are so focused on these competitive drives that we are unable to enjoy just being. If the pandemic has taught us anything, hopefully it is to enjoy and celebrate the life we have and wholeheartedly allow ourselves to experience the beauty life has to offer us while we can.

Depending on what activities you choose, the beautiful day exercise also allows for the opportunity to connect with loved ones. Fostering relatedness is also a key foundation of wellbeing.

Mindful attention, openness to experience and setting our intentions in line with our positive values are three key mechanisms that underlie many positive psychology interventions. You can try them all out as part of this exercise. So don’t just have a nice day, have a beautiful day.

References: Proyer, R. T., Gander, F., Wellenzohn, S. & Ruch, W. (2016). Nine beautiful things: A self administered online positive psychology intervention on the beauty in nature, arts, and behaviors increases happiness and ameliorates depressive symptoms. Personality and Individual Differences, 94:189-193. DOI: https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.01.028

Read more about Sarah Monk and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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So many businesses have had the rug pulled from beneath their feet.  One such category is Sports Coaches.  Used to seeing their clients face to face and being able to monitor close progress, they suddenly found themselves unable to coach in the way that they have been doing – many for their whole careers.  I talked to two sports coaches about how they have adapted. This required some real resilience; perspective-taking, exploring possibilities and commitment to a change with an uncertain timescale.  I have also considered a wide range of other businesses and projects and this is what I have observed around me about those who have continued to thrive in a precarious environment

Major unwelcome change comes along as a threat to your livelihood and your way of life – Absorb the shock;
Start to be creative about what other opportunities might be available to you to create something different – Breathe in the possibilities;
Consider what is going to be best for you and those you support, your community and your family – Calm consideration;
Dive into your inner resources to pull out your best strengths and start making them work for you – Dig deep;
Emerge with a renewed focus, determination, strengths-based goals, positive action and gratitude –  Emerge energised!

The Gymnastics Coach

Paul Turner owns Northwood Gymnastics Club, a well-established successful club with thousands of children on its books.  Paul loves the sense of community that his classes foster and the role he plays in the physical and mental health of those children.  It is a well-researched phenomenon, that we are not just bodies carrying minds around or minds controlling a body; we are a whole and physical and mental health is inextricably linked.  In positive psychology terms, physical activity has been described as a ‘stellar’ intervention.  For children during the pandemic, largely deprived of their friends, social contact, games and laughter, it is no wonder that the reports of their mental health taking a nose-dive has been so prevalent.

Unable to run gymnastics classes for the children, Paul created an alternative ‘GymFit’ online.  I attended an online class to see what went on.  Firstly, the class provides a well structured workout – so that ticks the physical health box.  But further, there were some other crucial impressive elements; there was fun and there were positive messages.  Paul tells the children to watch his moves before launching into them “use your gymoculas, watch, don’t do, gymoculas” –  on Zoom a class of children are making binoculars with their hands;  as they go through the exercises Paul is coaching them “we are taking this as an opportunity; we’re coming out of this better and stronger!” “can you feel the heat – that’s you getting better and stronger!”.  The ‘chat’ doesn’t stop throughout the session, it is what Paul modestly calls his ‘waffle’ but it is all messages about having courage, building strength, having hope for the future……  At the end of the workout all the kids give a virtual high five and you can see the smiles and positive emotions beaming out of them.  And you know what they say about positive emotions.  (If you do not – here’s a clue: it’s good things).

The Ski Coach and Positive Psychologist

Derek Tate runs Parallel Dreams Coaching Academy in Chamonix, France, a business that combines skiing with positive psychology; specialising in the science of ‘Flow’.  However, much of Derek’s work is normally based on the slopes and, of course, that. Just. Stopped.

Derek took to walking to clear his mind and satisfy his love of the outdoors; this kept his mood lifted and allowed him to become clear about the best way forward in the unexpected situation.  Derek knows a lot about Flow, having specialised in it in this MAPP at Bucks New University and it came to him that now was the time to develop the link that he had identified between high performance sport with flow, enjoyment and growth.  He started walking and drafting and walking and drafting and if the next part of the project did not quite come to him, he exercised self-compassion, being patient with himself and accepting that some days would be about tinkering around the edges of his project – while other days it would be like skiing his most beautiful run, finding that sense of flow in his work.

He has found it a good opportunity to practise what he preaches, in positive psychology terms; it has required a sense of discipline and focus.  He explores the commonality between present moment focus and how this increases the likelihood of flow leading to better concentration skills.  Only this time, he didn’t have the slopes to test his theory on, it was him and a computer sharing what he has learned in order to help other people.  His book, ‘Learn, Enjoy, Grow and Flow’ is available now.

These are just two examples of people I have had the privilege of talking to about how they have fared when their business model was seriously disrupted – not only did they choose a new focus, they took their message of resilience and positivity out there in their work for others to become stronger.  It is worth taking a moment of gratitude and looking around in the community at the models of resilience and hope all around us.  Humbling.

Read more about Nicola Morgan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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‘Love, as it turns out, nourishes your body the way the right balance of sunlight, nutrient-rich soil, and water nourishes plants and allows them to flourish’  (Fredrickson, 2014, p. 4).

As the schools shut on 20th March 2020 and the teaching world embraced a new challenge of remote learning, what had been my ‘normal’ for just under two decades was turned on its head.  The routines I had in my ‘teacher identity’ had abruptly stopped and as the whole world embraced the unknown due to the Coronavirus.  The path ahead was unclear and unpredictable.

The Nourishment of Life

The ‘new normal’ of working from home had its challenges and pressures, but the reflection time gained when life had changes so much was priceless.  As the whole world slowed down, the retreat nature of lockdown opened up the internal gates to review life.  It is exactly this process that resonates with the above quote from Barbara Fredrickson.  In her book Love 2.0, Fredrickson offers her research on the positive emotion of Love. This idea of the ingredients of nourishment is what I started to pay attention to.  What does nourishment look like in my life?  And am I getting enough of it?  I feel that the nourishment of life will differ from individual to individual with some similarities on the way because it relies on our unique journey of life.  So, during this reflection time, this is what I found out.  Some I was completely aware of and some I had let fade into the background of my life.

Exercise is really important for physical and mental health.

I know this.  I had a passion for dance since a little girl and danced most of my life.  I taught dance as a secondary school teacher and I loved it.  Now it is the past tense, because I stopped teaching dance a few years ago and then I slowly stopped dance classes and before I knew it, I no longer did it as life and work got busy.  I started PE with Joe alongside thousands of people across the world to maintain my fitness.  I have a gym membership and because they were shut, I needed to find another way of exercising.  What I learnt here is that joy started returning into my fitness, because I had time for it.  I used what would be my commuter journey time to exercise.  Even though I was exercising, I was resisting it as it took time away from catching up on my teacher workload!  Teachers never catch up on workload, as one thing is complete something else replaces it.  The lockdown made me realise that I was not showing up to my exercise with positivity, I was almost resenting the time it took.  This I changed, and I now feel more joy and excitement that I have taken the time out for me.  I feel like I have released a lot of guilt that I was dedicating some time for me and a clear approach of managing my time.

Walking in Nature

I live 5 minutes from a lovely canal full of lovely walks.  I have lived in my current house for 7 years and have never walked the canal!  I just did not have time.  I knew it was nearby but that was it.  I walked most days down the canal to create a boundary of the moment when I had finished work for the day, as it is some times difficult to separate work and life when you work from home.  I have kept this as a practice, not a daily one, but a weekly one.  Walking in nature is good for mental health, as it provides moments of mindfulness and it allows you get fresh air.

Sleep

Sleep is very important and feeling overwhelmed with workload sometimes disturbs my sleep as I wake up at 3am and think of all the things I need to do!!!!! I still had a lot do but it was somehow different.  As the pace of the day slowed down I found my sleep patterns improved.  When you have the required sleep for your body then your mood also improves.

Completing unfinished projects

Finishing uncomplete project helps feel productive.  The fact that we couldn’t physically see people, plus entertainment and leisure facilities were shut, this opened up time to finish D.I.Y projects.  The satisfaction in completing these things that had taken years on the do list was amazing and it meant new things can now be considered.

What ingredients do you need in your life to flourish?

Read more about Kelly Seaward – Ding and read her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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A couple of years ago, I decided to set myself a challenge of not buying anything I didn’t really need for a whole year. For me the main challenge was not buying clothes – I’m not a shopaholic, but I’m a female who likes to express myself through what I wear and will happily fall for the lure of a dress from my favourite shop or a bargain from TK Maxx.

My main reason for setting myself this challenge was environmental. According to statistics published last year by the United Nations Environmental Programme, the amount of clothing produced annually has doubled in the last 15 years, and the clothing industry globally was responsible for 10% of all carbon emissions, more than all international flights and shipping combined.

Scary statistics like this often dominate the headlines, so I was keen to set myself an environmental challenge and also explore the other side of sustainable living – could a change in lifestyle that benefits the climate also benefit me psychologically?

How did it go?

A year is a long time, but I managed to buy nothing new apart from a couple of pairs of socks. At times I missed the fun of shopping and novelty of having something new, but did I feel badly dressed? Not once!

A new attitude

‘Shopping’ became a new experience. Although I didn’t go shopping by myself anymore, I still went out sometimes with my teenage children. Now instead of wandering off to search for something for me, I spent more time talking with my children, or just taking in the general scene. On a trip to Camden Market we started talking to one stall owner who had set up his own brand of streetwear. When he was a sociable youngster, his first sales pitch in Camden Market was selling cannabis to tourists, but since then he’d turned his life around and was now running a business selling eco-friendly clothes to provide jobs for youngsters who needed a second chance. Talking to him was truly inspirational, but if I’d been in standard browsing mode, I would have missed the opportunity for that conversation.

My gratitude for my existing wardrobe increased

Faced with not buying anything new, I became more appreciative of what I had. When I got bored of wearing the same things, I dug out things I hadn’t worn for a while and tried to put things together in a new way. If I didn’t wear something during that year, then I realised I never would wear it, and off to Oxfam it went.

My birthday presents were truly exciting

Halfway through my year of not buying, my birthday felt like Christmas as a seven year old! After six months of no spending, anticipation and savouring massively increased my pleasure in a new dress from my husband and other small gifts from friends. It also increased my gratitude to them for buying me gifts that felt truly special.

A creative way of refreshing my wardrobe became a social occasion

At another point in the year I held a clothes swap evening with my friends. We all brought along three things that we didn’t want any more and after a glass or two of wine, started swapping what we had brought along. We had a great time, and we all left with something new – even my friend who doesn’t ‘do’ second-hand found a new handbag that someone had brought along. Two years later, I still often wear a necklace that I acquired from another friend on that evening, and now when I wear it, it makes me think of her and reminds me of our friendship.

Along the way I shared my experiences with my friends

During my year of not buying, I started a blog to write about my experiences. Initially I was too shy to publicise it with my friends, but when I worked up the courage to share it, I had some lovely responses from friends telling me how I had made them think and they too had made small changes to their lives to reduce their environmental impact.

At the end of the year I reviewed my experience

Lots of people asked me if I had saved money, but that wasn’t the point of the exercise. Instead of ‘buying’ I had focussed on ‘doing’ and in the process I’d had more social connection with other people, increased my appreciation and gratitude for the things I do have, taken a small step to reduce my environmental impact and encouraged others to take action too.

And now?

A couple of years down the line, just writing about my experience has allowed me to once again savour the good feelings that I felt along the way. I do shop now, but I am much more mindful about what I buy and if I really need it. I allow myself freedom to splash out in charity shops, where I can keep my carbon footprint low and have the benefit of helping others with the proceeds of my purchases.

When I set out on my challenge, I had not discovered the subject of positive psychology but I discovered the hidden benefits that living a more sustainable lifestyle could offer. Now with my positive psychology hat on, I can see my experiment increased my social connectivity, gratitude and savouring, and combined with the added challenge of blogging about my year, helped me grow and develop as a person too.

About the author: Sarah Cramoysan is currently studying the MAPP course at Buckinghamshire New University. She is also a long-time Oxfam volunteer and has an interest in climate change and environmental issues. Sarah’s blog is at fledglingproject.blogspot.com

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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