In my recent work with a sports team, I taught them how to use self-compassion to develop deeper connection as a team, as well as developing personal resources to deal with stresses such as competition anxiety or fear of failure.

Self-Kindness

Encouraging the athletes to be kind to themselves and not harshly judge themselves, helps to reduce fear and anxiety. Encouraging them to treat themselves as they would treat a friend is a valuable tool because we are often harder on ourselves than we are on others.

Common Humanity

Helping the athletes to accept that it is normal to experience fear, and that failure is a crucial part of becoming a successful team because you can learn from it. This helps to dampen the stress response and allows the athlete to fully focus on their game.

Mindfulness

Guiding the athletes to acknowledge and turn towards their painful emotions such as fear, anxiety or shame which can arise when reliving a missed shot or poor pass. This helps them to make an intentional act to stay with these negative emotions and to use them as a basis of constructive action.

Courage

Practising self-compassion helps athletes to stop avoiding those situations that bring up negative emotions where they feel vulnerable such as trying a new skill or playing against a much better team. Instead, they develop the courage to face experiences with a more positive mindset. It also reduces choking which is sub-optimal sporting performance, which can happen when the athlete is under pressure such as taking a game-deciding shot. Amy Baltzell (2019) describes how practising self-compassion can cultivate courage by helping the athlete to tolerate negative thoughts. This in turn strengthens their ability to accept what is occurring. This means that the athletes stop avoidance tactics such as giving up or playing for a team below their level. The athletes gain more experience of being in situations where negative emotions are likely and they become used to responding constructively which Baltzell (2019) considers to be an act of courage.

Field of Impact

Self-compassion has been used to improve performance in many sports including basketball, tennis, football, hockey, cross country, skiing, swimming, golf and running. It can be used to tackle many difficulties such as competitive anxiety and fear of failure, both of which can result in a freeze behaviour. It can also be used to help athletes who are returning to their sport after injury. Often these athletes can be impatient to get back to the level they were at before their injury and this means they run the risk of pushing themselves too hard too soon, which reduces the likelihood of a swift recovery.

Self-compassion can benefit us all whether we play sport or not. Give yourself the gift of self-compassion and let me know what a difference it makes in your life.

References

Baltzell, Amy & Röthlin, Philipp & Kenttä, Göran. (2019). Self-compassion in Sport for Courage and Performance. 10.4324/9780429435232-17.

Neff, K. (2011). Self Compassion. London: Hodder &Stoughton Ltd.

Read more about Bryony Shaw and her other articles HERE 

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Self-Compassion Cultivates Courage in Athletes appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Sometimes it can seem that there is that unspoken requirement that everything needs to be perfect at Christmas; presents chosen carefully, delicious food, feelings of connection and bonhomie. That is a lot to expect, and a lot to take responsibility for.

Therefore I suggest you give yourself a gift, the gift of self-compassion.

Covid Christmas

In more ‘normal’ times this would be a precious gift, but in these times of the additional stresses due to Covid-19, it is even more valuable. We may find we are unable to see loved ones, or unable to give the presents we have planned and saved for, we may need to care for those who can’t be physically with us and this can all add to our stress levels. However, this can also provide us with the opportunity to be more inventive and you never know we may enjoy Christmas in a way we didn’t think possible.

Self-Compassion

Kristen Neff, who is one of the world’s leading researchers of self-compassion proposes that to be self-compassionate there are three elements we should consider which are kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. I have found that each one of these is powerful, however the combination of the three together has a dramatic positive impact on well-being.

Kindness

Christmas can be a time of ‘shoulds’, ‘ought tos’ and ‘musts’ and we can use these to judge ourselves. We ‘should’ have sent this present off by now, we ‘ought’ to make time to see ‘Auntie Cara’ even if on Zoom, we ‘must’ make sure the day is even more special than normal this year.  This is all a form of judgement that we subject ourselves to.

However, Kristen Neff suggests that we should practice self-kindness instead of self-judgement. We can practice acknowledging and appreciating what we have done and recognising the constraints on us. If we find this difficult to do, we can imagine we are talking to a good friend who is in the same position and is feeling overwhelmed. What would we say to them? Say this to yourself, be kind to yourself.

Common Humanity

This is recognising that all people suffer at times. They may not suffer in the same way or about the same things, but all people suffer. Suffering is part of being human. That said, this year there is a shared cause of suffering that can bring us together. Covid-19 will have affected each family differently and to different extents, but one thing we can be sure of is that it has affected us all. When we recognise that suffering is universal it brings a sense of connection and diminishes feelings of isolation.

Mindfulness

By pausing to notice the pressure we are under, we can mindfully observe the demands placed on us. We can see them objectively without over-identifying with them. We can say to ourselves ‘yes I have a lot to do. Some of this is achievable and some isn’t.’ Being mindful can stop us from over-identifying with the tasks that need to be completed. We are not a useless person if we don’t do everything or make everything perfect.  Mindfulness keeps self-criticism at bay.

Don’t wait until Christmas day to start using this gift. Start now, start with something small, maybe saying something kind to yourself such as ‘I’m doing my best’ or ‘I’ve done really well considering how much I had to do.’

If you notice someone else being hard on themselves, pass this gift on, share it with others.

I’d love to hear the ways in which you practice self-compassion this Christmas. Let me know below or email me.

Reference: Neff, K. (2011). Self Compassion. London: Hodder &Stoughton Ltd.

Read more about Bryony Shaw and read her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post A Christmas Gift For You – Self-Compassion appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Those who have followed my blogs will know that compassion and self-compassion (SC) are key interests of mine. Perhaps then it is not surprising that I come back to them when the world tilts sideways and we all find ourselves in lockdown facing a global pandemic. I believe that they are an essential part of the Positive Psychology response at this time and an opportunity for us, as a discipline, to show that we have assimilated “second wave” PP and gone beyond enhancing the positive. We are also about helping people embrace and balance the dialectics of living in a world where difficult and painful things happen. Suddenly, people are interested in well-being, the message we give now is important. I hope to explain why I think compassion is a fundamental part of this.

Covid-19 is not a good thing

I have seen lots of fantastic advice from Positive Psychologist’s about how to manage your well-being during the current crisis. Plenty of snappy acronyms have been developed encouraging us to cope well. I too have written about the benefits of gratitude, perspective, connecting with nature etc.. at the moment. But we need to be clear, the experience of a global pandemic and lockdown is not a good thing. Yes, potentially we have time to learn a new skill, spend joyful time with our family, clear out that cupboard, cook creative new dishes from ingredients found at the back of the cupboard and so on. There’s lots of great advice from PP to help people achieve these things. However, the reality for many people is that this time does not feel like a blessing. Some people are dying in horrible ways. Doctors and nurses are having to make life and death decisions. Some people have lost their businesses and don’t have the energy to play with their children. For some staying home does not mean staying safe and for many, there is a sense of isolation, anxiety and loneliness. It is hard, there is suffering but this is relevant to PP because what we need is compassion. Compassion for ourselves and for others.

What is compassion?

Compassion involves the recognition of suffering and it’s universality as part of the human experience. It necessitates the ability to empathise with distress and tolerate the associated unpleasant feelings. Crucially, it also comprises the motivation to act to reduce that suffering.

Compassion can be directed towards others, received from others or directed towards ourselves (SC). Evolutionarily, compassion is rooted in the mammalian caregiving and soothing system which developed to enable us to bond with our young, form attachments and ultimately become a social species. Activation of this soothing system occurs when we feel safe and connected. It involves a physiological response including parasympathetic nervous system activity and boosts of opioids and oxytocin. This system helps to balance our two other underlying evolved psychophysiological systems, the threat /defence system (flight, fright or freeze response), which acts to protect us from harm and the drive/reward system which helps us seek out and achieve the things we need to survive and thrive. Thus compassion and the associated caregiving system are important for emotional regulation.

Why is it so important now?

The current situation represents a challenge to our emotional regulation. Our threat system is stimulated, as it needs to be, we are under attack and we need to respond appropriately by seeking out the correct information and taking the necessary action to reduce the threat. For many people this means staying home in relative or actual isolation. However, feeling excessively anxious and experiencing ongoing stress is counterproductive. Likewise, our drive/reward system may also be disturbed. Key Workers may be under excessive pressure to perform, while others may be furloughed so their effort and rewards are disconnected and still others are faced with unemployment and barriers to their normal means of achieving and providing. So our threat and drive systems are out of balance and at a time when we really need our caregiving soothing system to kick in, we are in lock down which means it’s hard for us to connect to people in the ways we normally do. That connection, aside from being a fundamental human need, is the primary way our soothing system is activated.

What can we do?

Compassion and SC training programmes have techniques which can help to promote emotional regulation through helping to boost our care giving /soothing system. These approaches aim to help people:

• Be mindfully aware of their feelings without being overwhelmed by them.
• Promote a sense of common humanity and connection rather than isolation in the face of this challenge. Although our situations vary, the whole of humanity is facing this threat together.
• Encourage kindness rather than judgement for self and others in response to this truly difficult time.

In the current crisis, we need to enable people to acknowledge that life may be difficult and to recognise when others are struggling. We need to help people acknowledge that many of us are feeling pain and may be showing it in different, often annoying or unhelpful, ways but we all have a right to have our suffering recognised and to want to be free of it. At the same time we need to enable a response of kindness to ourselves and others that serves to make things better rather than create divides by judging others actions (and I have seen a lot of that on social media).

My top tips to boost your soothing system and sense of compassion

• Acknowledge and kindly accept your feelings, they are indicators aimed at helping you adapt and cope.
• Reach out and genuinely engage at an emotional level with people as much as you are able to, using whatever technology you have available.
• Savour physical touch and warmth. Hug if it’s safe for you to hug those you live with. If not hug your Teddy or duvet or yourself or put your hand on your heart and feel the warmth. Physical touch is an important stimulator for your soothing system. That is why skin on skin contact between mothers and babies is recommended to promote attachment. If this all sounds a bit too, weird stroke your cat or spend time focusing on rubbing hand cream into your skin. I can guarantee it needs it after all the hand washing.
• Practice loving-kindness meditation to promote a sense of connection, compassion, positive emotions and well-being. There are many free examples on-line. Try a few different ones and then regularly practice one that you like.
• Use the self compassion break when you feel overwhelmed : This is essentially going through the stages discussed above; 1) notice and acknowledge your suffering (this is really hard I feel anxious/depressed /angry/frustrated etc), 2) connect to common humanity (I wonder how many other parents have shouted at their bored children today?), 3) be kind to yourself and others rather than criticise (what do I/they need to help now?).

These techniques and many other useful compassion focused strategies can be found in more detail on Kristen Neff’s website https://self-compassion.org

Conclusion

Promoting compassion in these difficult times is as vital as promoting positivity. It’s good for our individual wellbeing and also what our society needs. Undoubtedly, there will be personal growth following the coronavirus storm and hopefully there will be many silver linings and lessons learned at individual, societal and species levels but in the eye of the storm I believe compassion is key.

About the Author: Sarah Monk

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Compassion in the time of Coronavirus appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Never before have we had to draw on our collective human strengths and resources more than now.  The country is divided, we are all suffering from Brexit burnout, it seems as if community spirit is dwindling and I sense people feel angry and disempowered.

I have felt for a while now that Positive Psychology has a huge part to play in helping to empower us to feel in control, not just of our own lives, but of our environment and our communities.

Recently, as I have been trying to affect change in people’s lives, many people have said to me that I can’t really affect anything without a change in government.  In response I tell them the starfish story and how I approach challenges with this story in mind – many of you will know it – but it has never seemed more relevant to me than in the times we find ourselves.

A girl was throwing starfish that had been washed up on the beach, back into the sea to save their lives…a man approaches and says scornfully that she cannot possibly make a difference to the thousands and thousands laying helplessly dying on the dry beach…to which the girl pauses and bends down to pick up the next one,  which she flings back into the sea and replies “I made a difference to that one”.

I believe we can make a huge difference to peoples’ lives by taking individual and collective action.    As Margaret Mead said:

“Never doubt a small group of thoughtful, committed citizens can change the world.  Indeed it is the only thing that ever has”.

Building Strength in Communities

Over the last couple of years I have been using Positive Psychology principles to empower local people to take collective action to improve health and wellbeing in their communities.   I used Positive Psychology principles and a method called Asset Based Community Development where we build on the strengths in communities rather than a focus on fixing deficit.   This has produced some interesting results.

For instance, one community sometimes known as being ‘deprived’ is now seen as trailblazing for developing community spirit and using collective action to achieve change.   They did this by harnessing individuals’ strengths and empowering people to take collective action.  The community is now going from strength to strength via a resident-led charity which is running a local social supermarket, helping local people to access food, tackling social isolation, all volunteers, totally driven by passion and kindness.

In terms of starfish they are furiously chucking loads back into the sea.  

The Ripples of Hope

I have recently become involved with supporting an impressive new Chester group Rise up with the Homeless, which aim to empower homeless people to tell their stories through creative activities such as photography, music and art.   One of the leaders of this group, Alison Golds describes how their approach has led to significant changes:

“By noticing people’s strengths and empowering them to use them, powerful things come into being.  We have started having conversations with homeless people about what they think works and what doesn’t work within detoxes and the services.

By empowering them and listening to their ideas, I notice that they are interested in being involved in building something with us, they have begun to believe it can happen, and there is a belief in them growing and with this belief comes a seed, a seed of transformation.

If we encourage creativity then creativity begins to blossom, it blossoms out and other people begin to notice also, and with this noticing comes a spark of hope which ignites all. 

  I have noticed that within the homeless community, there are people who I remember seeing walking with heads down, shoulders slumped, in despair of the daily grind of homelessness, who begin to come alive again with the ripples of hope”

Alison beautifully sums up how the group use Positive Psychology principles such as meaning, purpose, creativity, hope, strengths to create powerful co-created collective action.1.

Five Ideas For Taking Community Action

You may not have the government you want in power but here are a few ideas about how to use individual and collective action to take back control in these uncertain times:

1. Connect with yourself. Ask yourself who you are, what are your greatest strengths, what are you passionate about?  What do you REALLY want to do?   Notice what energises and inspires you.  If you are happy, engaged, motivated STOP and notice what you are doing.  Use those strengths to take action towards the change you want to see in the world. As Marianne Williamson said: “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us”

2. Use coaching and listening skills more in your interactions rather than advising and telling people what to do. You may be surprised at how often you advise rather than listen – I catch myself all the time.  Ask positive questions, encourage people, instil hope and talk to people about how something be achieved.

3, Notice people’s unique strengths and talents. Help people to uncover passions and strengths that they didn’t know they had.   Listen really closely.  Watch for body language, interest in people’s eyes, see what people connect with, see when they come alive and encourage that inspiration.  See what complementary strengths and passions you have and see if you can work together.

4. Start a group about what you are passionate about if there is not a local one or gather people to campaign for change. It could start really small – a handful of people in a coffee shop.

5. Research the principles of Positive Psychology and see how you can apply them. Keywords to search online are; happiness, wellbeing, strengths, resilience, hope, positive emotions and flourishing.  Starter for Ten:

New Economics Foundation Five Ways to Wellbeing –actions to build wellbeing
Martin Seligman’s work on strengths – survey to identify your strengths
Corey Keyes, a wellbeing expert explains concepts of flourishing

A Positive Psychology Movement

Together I believe we can start a strengths and kindness movement, with ripple effects where communities of kind strong people create environments where people flourish, instilling hope, meaning and purpose.   We do have choice and collectively we are much stronger

Take Action!

For me, the song that sums up how I feel in the face of adversity and which I listen to, to inspire me is Labi Siffre’s ‘Something Inside So Strong;.  It makes me feel more powerful and hopeful by listening to the lyrics… Especially the lines

 “Brothers and sisters, when they insist that we’re not good enough, when we know better, we look them in the eyes and say “we’re gonna do it anyway, we’re going to do it anyway….”.

Do it anyway!

About the author: Georgina Clarke MAPP is one of three Directors working for Ascent Wellbeing, which builds mental health strategies for businesses, universities, communities and schools, offering coaching, training and consultancy and Strengthscope strengths profiling. Georgina volunteers for Live Laugh Lache, a local resident group and supports Rise up with the Homeless, a Chester Facebook page and group.

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post The Power of Individual and Collective Action appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

“No one is born hating another person because of the colour of his skin, or his background, or his religion. People must learn to hate, and if they can learn to hate, they can be taught to love, for love comes more naturally to the human heart than its opposite” -Nelson Mandela

Why do people hate?

There has been a lot in the news recently about so called hate crimes, the most serious being mass shootings in America. So, what drives people to hate another person? As far as we know humans developed the notion of hate to protect their own property and possessions. A neighbouring tribe would be seen as a threat and so hatred towards another tribe would reaffirm the bonds within your own tribe. In recent times hatred has been used in many scenarios, people hate others from a different background, skin colour, politics, and even different football team.

According to Simon Lancaster in his book “You are not human” he looks at the words used to describe people who we choose to disassociate with. By labelling them with a different name we can effectively dehumanise them. By giving someone from a different ethnic group a derogatory name we can effectively see them as inferior to us and in extreme cases this has led to violence and war.

Throughout history there have been many instances whereby people who have lived together in relative peace suddenly develop a deep hatred for one another which ends up in conflict. In recent times we have seen such conflicts in places such as Rwanda and the former Yugoslavia. In these cases, people on the opposite side were labelled in a way that they could dehumanised. The reason this is done, according to Simon Lancaster, is because it is easier to hate and ultimately hurt someone if you can be made to see them as non-human. The problem comes when you add a label to a group of people then everyone who belongs to that group has to effectively wear that label.

Whilst the killings we have seen through extreme violence are the most extreme forms of hate, this kind of labelling and subsequent hatred is often witnessed in every day non-violent interactions.

Taking it personally

A few years ago, I was sitting in a bar a long way from home and I ended up doing what many people in bars do, I struck up a conversation with the guy next to me. The gentleman in question was from a different country not too far from my own, but we obviously had a lot in common because we were engaged in a very interesting conversation about life in general. A friend of his came over to us and I was introduced as “Steve from England” His friend immediately came back with “I hate the English!”

This guy had never met me before, had absolutely no idea who I was, my background, my beliefs and yet I had been labelled and this guy professed to hate anything that had that label attached.

I was furious that someone would instantly make a remark like that down to a label I had that determined my place of birth. I began to question why someone would hate another person without ever knowing their human side.

Israel loves Iran

In March 2012 an Israeli graphic designer named Ronny Edry asked that very same question. Tensions were growing between Israel and Iran. This was nothing new as there had been tensions between the two countries for ten years or more. On this occasion there was talk of armed conflict between the two countries. It could be said that the two countries hated each other.

Ronny decided to do something quite different. He got hold of a picture that had been taken of him holding his young daughter who happened to be holding an Israeli flag. He then created a poster by superimposing the words “Iranians; we will never bomb your country; we love you” He copied this poster onto his Facebook page along with a letter to the Iranian people and went to bed. Sometime in the night he got up and happened to walk past his computer. In almost disbelief there was a sea of red dots on his Facebook page. People he didn’t know from all over Israel had sent messages of support for his poster along with further messages of support from Iran.

The next day his wife, Michal Tamir, asked if she could have a poster made too. He then asked his friends if anyone else would like a poster and in no time, there was a whole group of friends with posters on Facebook with the message “Iranians; we will never bomb your country; we love you”

It didn’t stop there. People from all over Israel started sending Ronny photographs requesting he make them a poster too. So many that he had to ask friends and colleagues to help him get through the backlog. Not only were that posters appearing on Facebook from people all over Israel, posters began appearing from Iran with the message “Israelis; we will never bomb your country; we love you” Within days of his first poster the whole thing was starting to go viral. At its peak his page was receiving 2 million hits a week and over 80,000 likes from people all over the world!

It didn’t stop there; online communities were starting to form with Israelis communicating with Iranians. In quite a number of cases this didn’t stop at just online communities, people travelled to neutral countries so they could meet face to face, share a coffee and just talk about life.

These were people who from birth had been taught to hate each other because they wore a particular label, but without any provocation they chose to show a human side. They decided to show love over hate.

“To the Iranian people. To, all the fathers, mothers, children, brothers and sisters.

For there to be a war between us, first we must be afraid of each other, we must hate.

I’m not afraid of you, I don’t hate you, I don’t even know you.

No Iranian ever did me no harm. I never even met an Iranian…

Just one in Paris in a museum. Nice dude.

I see sometime here, on the TV, an Iranian.

He is talking about war.

I’m sure he does not represent all the people of Iran.

If you see someone on your TV talking about bombing you, be sure he does not represent all of us. I’m not an official representative of my country. I’m a father and a teacher.

I know the streets of my town, I talk with my neighbours, my family, my students, my friends and in the name of all these people, we love you. We mean you no harm.

On the contrary, we want to meet, have some coffee and talk about sports.

To all those who feel the same, share this message and help it reach the Iranian people” Ronnie Edry

 

Further details of “Israel loves Iran”

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Choosing Love appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Cancer Research UK has recently decided to lead an awareness campaign highlighting the risk of obesity to certain types of cancer.

They have in fact, plastered amongst other places, London Underground with their message, written to look like a cigarette packet. And, this is sponsored by Slimming World.  If writing health warnings on cigarette packets worked then, well, most people would not smoke.  If commercial diets worked, then there would be no campaign needed.

Will it work?

I wish, that all we had to do to change our behaviour was to read a risk message and stop. We all know that this is not how it works, for most people, most of the time.

I am not going to get into whether this campaign is fat shaming or not… however, it will, if we are to believe the plethora of previous research, increase the feelings of shame in those who identify as being obese, resulting in more of what the campaign is trying to have less of.

Causes

We know that the causes of obesity are multi-factorial.  We know that for most people, diets don’t result in long term behavioural change and in fact, tend to make the situation worse.

And, when we explore the many underlying reasons for obesity, very few of them have anything to do with poor nutritional knowledge or the need for someone to tell you what to eat.  So, surely, we need to be asking ourselves, why, with all our knowledge, research and understanding of human behaviour,are we still looking at obesity through the wrong end of the lens?

The research clearly shows that regardless of the reasons many became obese in the first place, ultimately the continued shame and low self-worth fuelled by chronic dieting, fat shaming and poor behaviour change interventions actually become part of the problem not the solution.

Health Awareness

This suggests that the present health awareness message is unlikely to do anything other than make the present situation worse. What is even more frustrating, is that if someone was to read the poster and be motivated to change, the very best they will get offered is a diet and exercise programme.  It will be same old, same old.

Time for change

Surely, we need to stop spending time and money on interventions that are not working and instead, become more innovative and creative in our response.

I always get a little confused when we talk about obesity as a “disease” instead of a change in body weight resulting from our behaviours around food.  Some of those behaviours and outcomes, may be genetic, some as a result of living in an obesogenic society and our environment.  However much of the behaviour is a response to chronic stress, trauma and shame. Some of the reason for these responses are learnt and some are neuro-biological.

Stop dieting & start nourishing

What is needed are programmes that stop making it all about the food…no one needs a better relationship with food… what is needed are more nurturing and nourishing relationships with self.  We need to address stress, shame and trauma. Apart from the behaviours attached to the feeling of shame, Brene Brown’s research clearly demonstrates that “it corrodes the very part of us that believes we are capable of change.

Moving forward

Positive Psychology has at its core, the motivation to research and provide interventions that enable more people to live their good life, to flourish and thrive.  So many wonderful learnings are being gleamed and shared about our health and well-being, psychological wealth and how to live a purposeful and fulfilling life.

The world doesn’t need another diet, it needs to dip into the very best of what we know and create interventions that address the real issues.   Interventions which are focused on practices that reduce stress and create calm, change self-criticism to kindness and teach people that being fat does not equal being unworthy.

Stop shaming and be thankful instead

For instance, what would it be like, if when you look at yourself in the mirror you offered each part of your uniquely extraordinary body, gratitude and acceptance?  A simple, yet powerful thank you, especially to the parts of your body you have been most mean to. And what if you said sorry for being mean, and began to treat your body with care?

Being Resilient

What if, instead of beating yourself up for all the food you wish you hadn’t eaten and the normal internal shaming that goes on, you thanked the part of you that has used food in all the ways it has… and begun to see how resilient that is.  You may wish to explore how to nourish yourself with more kindness and at the same time acknowledging that all our behaviour comes with a positive intention.  It may be counter intuitive…just say thank you.

What actually does work

We know that the practices of self-compassion and shame resilience stand down the stress response, weaken the pathway between body shame and fat talk as well as increase motivation for self-care and health promoting behaviours.   There is evidence that the practices enable feelings of contentment, safety and connection.

For starters

What if you decided, right now, that enough was enough and you began for instance to:

·      awaken with the intention of nourishing yourself with kindness

·      to pay attention to how you are feeling and begin to explore how to be with those feelings.

·      to listen to how you are talking to yourself and when necessary be kinder.

·      to know that your safety and worth are not conditional on the numbers in your clothes, on your scales or eating the “right” foods.

·      stop all fat talk, change the conversation with friends when they begin to talk about the latest diet or “being good”.

I am suggesting that the key to an optimal life is to become a much better friend to yourself, accepting your imperfect self along with all humanity…knowing you are worthy of love and belonging regardless of weight or body size.

About the author: Helen Golstein

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Kindness is a Much Healthier Option appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

What is self-esteem?

Broadly speaking self-esteem refers to the way we see ourselves, how we have assessed our performance, what we look like, do and be and is linked to how much we appreciate and like ourselves. When we are deemed to have high self-esteem, we are expected to be more confident and have a stronger belief in our ability to achieve our goals and become more successful.

How do we achieve our self-esteem?

If our levels of self-esteem are created by continual assessment, what and how are we being assessed against? Mostly we are being measured by how we or others experience us or our performance against either a known or unknown benchmark. An expected behaviour, an exam grade, how others are doing or have done before you, what you look like, what you weigh, how fit and healthy you are, your work, your income and how brilliantly you navigate your amazingly perfect life, as measured against what society has set as a standard you are supposed to be able to reach.  We also now have social media which has insidiously and with such elegance upped our social comparison default to a whole new level, with so many measuring their “ordinary lives” against those highly filtered and curated moments of others.

The Obvious Problem

If the appraisals that are happening throughout our lives are precarious, subjective and comparative, then it would seem that achieving and maintaining high levels of self-esteem necessarily needs us to be constantly on alert to make sure we are always showing up in ways that are acceptable to whatever is being measured.

It can encourage us to need to feel more important or better than others to feel good about ourselves instead of striving to live an authentic life underpinned with purpose and meaning. It is argued that at its extreme it can encourage narcissistic tendencies and envy.

We also generate high levels of self-criticism, being harsh with our- selves for not doing, being or achieving high enough results, not being good enough and thereby creating a stress response which tends to be diametrically opposed to being curious and creative. How do we achieve congruent and authentic change, feeling safe to make mistakes and fail when it feels as if our sense of self and worth is so conditional?  It can so easily feel as everyone else has it sussed and it’s just us struggling with being good enough.

What instead then?

We need to be able to disentangle our sense of worth and value from our performance, how we look, what we weigh, what we do, be and have.

Becoming curious about what it would be like to know that regardless of what you weigh, look like, earn, do, be or have… you are worthy of love and belonging.  Your worth is not conditional on you showing up any particular way.

Self-Compassion may provide the answer.

The practice of self-compassion as described by leading self-compassion researcher Kristin Neff as comprising of three inter-connected parts: self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness. Self-kindness is to be caring towards the self, offering support and unconditional acceptance instead of being self-critical; a sense of common humanity, an understanding that all humans struggle with their imperfections, failures and mistakes and finally mindfulness is necessary in developing an awareness of suffering, allowing the present experience without either ignoring or exaggerating the pain.

Self-Compassion helps us know its ok to make mistakes.

Self-compassion enables us to have positive self-regard, importantly allowing for feeling safe, accepted and secure, allowing for the acceptance of all human imperfection and suffering. Professor Paul Gilbert proposes that “Self-compassion promotes well-being through helping individuals feel cared for, connected, and emotionally calm”. The practice of self-compassion complements Barbra Fredickson’s Broaden and Build Theory, which suggests that the experience of positive emotions in the present, also lead to enhanced personal resources in the long term. Research has also found that practicing self-compassion produced positive affect and personal responsibility following negative events and imagined failures.

Whilst the practice of self-criticism lowers our self-worth and can lead us to feel isolated and less likely to be moved to make meaningful change, self-compassion would appear to do the opposite. Kristin Neff also argues that self-compassion is needed when being mindful of our mistakes and failures as well as when dealing with painful challenges. Learning to offer warmth, support and understanding when suffering as opposed to being self-critical results in increased motivation for self-care and health promoting behaviors.

Responding as if to someone you loved.

Often, we think that if we respond to our mistakes with kindness we may not be motivated to change, and the evidence strongly suggests that the very opposite happens.  It is further complicated by the tangling up of thinking our worth is dependent on us being a certain way.  When we are able to see our worth is unconditional and separate from our desired personal and professional growth, the stakes become less high.  We are then able to develop from a place of safety as opposed to one of high threat.

When someone you love, a friend or maybe one of your children, fails, makes a mistake, puts on weight or fails an exam…what do you do? How do you respond?  Do you respond to yourself in the same way? Is your worth of them diminished and your love for them less?

What would it be like, if you awoke daily with the intention of practicing self-compassion and knowing that however the day unfolds you are worthy of love and belonging.

About the author: Helen Golstein

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
8-week online Happiness Course

The post Why I am ditching my self-esteem and embracing self-compassion appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

A year later, that same girl in the same school was in a different class with a different teacher. When the teacher asked the children to make a drawing about nature, the little girl just sat there and made no attempt to draw anything whatsoever. She just left her page empty. When the teacher came up to her she said: ‘well, what a beautiful snow landscape you have made, my dear’.

A perfect world

As kids, we are taught that a drawing is only beautiful when it is perfectly drawn, within the lines and with the right colours, so that it reflects reality. We learn to appreciate the ‘undamaged new’ more than the ‘damaged old’. In our western world we still follow the beauty ideal from the Greek era: everything needs to be perfect, symmetric and proportional. We always look at how it should be, not at how it is.

Not so in Japan. Japanese people have a fascinating word to describe the beauty of imperfection: Wabi Sabi.

This Japanese philosophy is looking at the beauty of what is, and experiencing life as it is. It is about appreciating the beauty of imperfection, so a kind of mindfulness and it means three things: nothing is perfect, nothing is forever and nothing is finished.

Letting go

Wabi sabi is also a way of life: finding the beauty in the simplicity or imperfection in your environment. It is a shift in perspective from one that chases perfection to one that just appreciates what is.

Longing for perfect symmetry and perfection is dead tiring. Letting go of that desire for perfection and appreciating the beauty of imperfection will definitely make you a happier person. It will give a sense of peace.

We need to realise that we are all imperfect and that mistakes and failures create learning and growth. Mistakes are not always bad, some famous inventions came from mistakes, such as penicillin and coca cola (it was meant to be a medicine).

Wabi sabi has a great love for nature and its associated processes such as ageing. A copper plate, for example, will oxidise over time. It will then show a beautiful turquoise colour: the beauty of ageing. So, nature is not all wabi sabi when in full bloom but when the autumn colours and the leaves fall. It is not the expensive bouquet of lilies wrapped in shiny cellophane, but the bunch of flowers from your own garden, in an old vase on your kitchen table. It is not the perfectly cropped lawn, but the garden with a shot of weeds. I actually find the latter quite convenient, my garden is definitely wabi sabi.

Respect

Wabi sabi is about being indulgent, without being sloppy because it also implies respect for things. Wires of computers and tv, for example, need to be hidden in the wall or in a cupboard. A messy kitchen or bathroom are not wabi sabi.

It is a lifestyle that no longer cultivates youth, but accepts old age. It appreciates the time, the values of being in the moment and the beauty of the imperfect. It is not about the result, but about the process, especially in the moments or places that where not intented to be beautiful.

Discovering beauty in a place where you least expect it, is the ultimate experience of wabi sabi. The more we can live like this, the easier and lighter our life will be.

About the author: Inge Beckers

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
8-week online Happiness Course

Perfecte Imperfectie

Vorig jaar hoorde ik dit verhaal over een klein meisje. Ze was zes en ging naar een plaatselijke school in de buurt van haar huis. Op een dag, in de klas, vroeg haar lerares de kinderen om een ​​tekening van een huis te maken. Het meisje maakte een tekening van een prachtig paars huis, met een geel dak, een blauwe schoorsteen en groene deuren en ramen. Toen de lerares naar haar toe kwam en naar haar tekening keek: ze zei: ‘wat is dit? Dit is niet oké, er bestaan geen paarse huizen met gele daken, dat is helemaal verkeerd!

Een jaar later was datzelfde meisje op dezelfde school in een andere klas met een andere lerares. Toen de lerares de kinderen vroeg om een ​​tekening over de natuur te maken, zat het kleine meisje daar gewoon en ze deed geen poging om wat dan ook te tekenen. Ze liet haar pagina gewoon leeg. Toen de lerares naar haar toe kwam zei ze: ‘nou, wat een prachtig sneeuwlandschap heb jij gemaakt!’.

Een perfecte wereld

Van kinds af aan wordt ons geleerd dat een tekening alleen mooi is wanneer deze perfect is getekend, binnen de lijnen en met de juiste kleuren, zodat het een perfecte weerspiegeling is van de  realiteit. We leren om meer waardering te hebben voor het ‘nieuwe, het onbeschadigde’ dan voor het ‘oude en het beschadigde.’

In onze westerse wereld volgen we nog altijd het schoonheids-ideaal uit het Griekse tijdperk: alles moet perfect, symmetrisch en proportioneel zijn. We kijken altijd naar hoe het zou moeten zijn, niet naar hoe het is.

Dat is anders in Japan. Japanse mensen hebben een fascinerend woord om de schoonheid van imperfectie te beschrijven: Wabi Sabi. Deze Japanse filosofie kijkt naar de schoonheid van wat is en ervaart het leven zoals het is. Het gaat over het waarderen van de schoonheid van imperfectie, dus een soort van mindfulness en het betekent drie dingen: niets is perfect, niets is voor eeuwig en niets is voltooid.

Loslaten

Wabi Sabi is ook een manier van leven: het vinden van de schoonheid in de eenvoud of imperfectie in onze omgeving. Het is een verschuiving in perspectief van een die perfectie nastreeft naar een die gewoon waardeert wat is.

Het verlangen naar perfecte symmetrie en perfectie is doodvermoeiend. Het loslaten van dat verlangen naar perfectie en het waarderen van de schoonheid van imperfectie zal je absoluut een gelukkiger persoon maken. Het geeft ook een gevoel van rust.

We moeten ons realiseren dat we allemaal onvolmaakt zijn en dat fouten en mislukkingen nuttig kunnen zijn en leiden tot leren en groei. Fouten zijn niet altijd slecht, sommige beroemde uitvindingen zijn eigenlijk per ongeluk ontdekt, zoals penicilline en coca-cola (het was bedoeld als medicijn).

Wabi Sabi heeft een grote liefde voor de natuur en de bijbehorende processen zoals veroudering. Een koperen plaat zal bijvoorbeeld na verloop van tijd oxideren. Het toont dan een prachtige turquoise kleur: de schoonheid van veroudering. Dus, de natuur is niet wabi sabi wanneer ze in volle bloei is, maar wanneer de herfstkleuren en de bladeren vallen. Het is niet het dure boeket van lelies verpakt in glanzend cellofaan, maar de bos bloemen uit je eigen tuin, in een oude vaas op je keukentafel. Het is niet het gemillimeter gazon omringd door perfecte bloemenborders, maar de tuin waar onkruid zich even goed thuis voelt. Ik vind het laatste eigenlijk best interessant, mijn tuin is zeker wabi sabi.

Respect

Wabi Sabi gaat over gemoedelijkheid, zonder slordig te zijn, want het betekent ook respect hebben voor dingen. Draden van computers en tv zijn heel storend en moeten bij voorkeur in de muur of in een kast worden verborgen. Een rommelige keuken of slaapkamer is absoluut niet wabi sabi.

Het is een levensstijl die de jeugd niet langer cultiveert, maar ouderdom aanvaardt. Het waardeert de tijd, de waarden van het zijn in het moment en de schoonheid van het onvolmaakte. Het gaat niet om het resultaat, maar om het proces, vooral op momenten en in omstandigheden die niet bedoeld waren om mooi te zijn.

Het ontdekken van schoonheid op een plek waar je die het minst verwacht, is de ultieme ervaring van wabi sabi. Hoe meer we op die manier kunnen leven, hoe makkelijker en lichter ons leven zal zijn.

The post Perfectly Imperfect appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

When actually, the only person we can ever 100% count on to ever fully answer any of those questions is in fact, our self.
We tend to accept self-criticism as the norm, for instance, ask yourself this: how often do you wake up in the morning with a thought loaded with negativity? As a young woman in the 21st century, common thoughts that occur to me following the most peaceful of nights rest include: “I look fat in this dress” “The bags underneath my eyes reach my chin” or “it’s so embarrassing that the only person who shares this bed with me is my dog” Any of these sound familiar?

If so, ask yourself how you would feel if your best friend said any of those things to you? Is it even likely you would still want that person to be your friend? If so… you need new friends and new standards of friends. More to the point, how offended would you be? How long would the impact of such comments last? So why are we so blasé about saying those things to ourselves when it would hurt to hear it others?

Research from Miraca U. M. Gross (2002) found that some of the most common expectations in friendships include: understanding, encouragement and playfulness. How then, can we begin to expect these things of ourselves, from ourselves? And how can we practice the behaviours that allow us to become our own best friend?

Now more than ever, I feel it is important for people to feel independent, self-reliant and good about themselves. It is all too easy to be swept up in the toxic wave of comparison, doubt and desire to impress others (others, who in reality, probably won’t be impacting your life in ten years’ time.)

Understanding

Take regular time to fully understand yourself. All too often our energy is put into others. The quality of relationships we share with others can affect our wellbeing. This can be a good thing when considering our most positive relationships, however if we do not take the time to become the best version of ourselves, we cannot possibly be our best for others.

I recently attended a talk from Andy Puddicombe who created the headspace app. He drew on the increasing “compassion fatigue” within the NHS. Our healthcare professionals often spend so much time looking after others, they fail to look after themselves. This can then result in the care they provide being of a lower standard. The same can happen in relationships.

Ways to understand

Get a week to view diary. At the back, write what you would have like to have achieved by the end of certain days, months, the entire year! And take steps throughout your week to ensure you are working towards those goals. When something is written down, we tend to conform to it more. For example, you want to lose 4 pounds by the end of this month? Great! Well write in the days you are planning to exercise and use your diary to meal plan.
You cannot be a good friend to yourself by letting yourself slip into irresponsibility. Understand your own goals and desires and take the time to mind-map what you need to do to get there. This isn’t a scary task- it’s exciting. It’s your future and you’re in the driving seat.

Become aware of what you look forward to, what or who makes you feel anxious?

Where do you feel safe? What makes you belly laugh? What are you doing when you get so lost in an activity you lose track of time? Whose name do you dread appearing on your phone? Why?

As humans we are great at identifying what others excel in. Take time to consider, what you love to do, how can you tailor your career to ensure you’re not walking into the office every day for financial motivation alone. Try to understand what makes you happy.

Encouragement

Those who encourage us make us feel good. This is because they show belief and faith in us by pushing us out of our comfort zones or simply supporting us. Something which if we do often enough allows us to gain new experiences and grow in confidence.

Ways to encourage

When looking to encourage yourself, think about the end goal. How will you feel when you have achieved what it is you’re looking to do? Nothing in life is going to change if you never step outside of what you’re comfortable with. So remind yourself every day that life is short and too short to waste opportunities due to fear or doubt. Attempt to separate your thoughts into what is rational and what is emotional. Put the emotional side on the back burner and crack on with what is rational. The only person you can blame for not giving you an opportunity is yourself.

Think about situations where you have surprised yourself before, what it feels like to have achieved something? Compare this feeling to walking away from something you wish you had the confidence to have done? One of the best people you can ever feel proud of is yourself.

Playfulness

It is well documented that laughter predicts levels of happiness (Vlahovic., 2012) But how often do you prioritise having a good time? Letting your hair down? Or doing something fun for the sake of having fun? With family and work ties, prioritising playfulness can seem futile, however, in order to be your own best friend you need to.

Ways to Play

Just as setting goals is important, organise specific time where you know you are going to be having a good time for no other reason than taking care of yourself. Whether that be meeting every week for a drink on a Friday afternoon with a colleague, blocking out the whole of Saturday to jump in puddles with your children or organising a spontaneous holiday with your best friend. Why not? In life all we have left is our experiences, these are what we will remember and be remembered for. So take every opportunity you have, to have fun. If you’re working hard in all other areas of your life, you definitely deserve some time to let your hair down and let go. Play feels so much better when we are rewarding ourselves for the hard work and energy we have put into something.

It is important when being our own friend we do not allow ourselves to become lazy either. Would you want to watch one of your closest friends with buckets of potential pouring energy into things with no tangible outcomes for their future? Down the pub every single night? No. So save the pub for a Friday when you can share that ‘end of the week feeling’ with likeminded people and hit the gym twice a week, read a chapter of your favourite novel each night, or walk the dog with your neighbour. Produce work your proud of and reward yourself often. By having play time to look forward to, the work we produce and the way we interact with others is more positive, zestful and productive.

About the author: Amy graduated the University of Essex last year and is currently a second year MAPP student. Her dissertation on kindness and wellbeing is due to be published later this year.

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
8-week online Happiness Course

The post Being Your Own Best Friend appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Emotions not electricity

I also rarely use positive or negative when referring to emotions or feelings, because that does infer a judgement of them.  For me, emotions are a sort of barometer of what is going on, and they can be helpful, appropriate, proportionate and a whole host of other things… but not negative or positive.

Self-Compassion as core foundation

I love self-compassion… for me self-compassion forms the very foundation of positive psychology.  Self-Compassion acknowledges the full plethora of emotional experiences, the suffering, the joy and the value of kindness.

Have you thought about the role of self-compassion?

I am not sure what you think and feel about self-compassion.  You may think it sounds like something you would like to have and at the same time think you wouldn’t even know where to begin. Equally you may already be clear about what it is and how you practice it in your life.

Self-Compassion allows for authenticity

You may also wonder what it’s got to do with how we nourish ourselves, the decisions and choices we make, and how we become more curious, creative and authentic when planning and achieving our goals.

Why are we so critical?

Developing the practice of self-compassion allows us to nourish ourselves from the inside out and let go of old stories that have the themes of self-criticism and unkindness threaded all the way through them.  Professor Paul Gilbert’s work on self-compassion affords us an  understanding  of why, we are wired to  first notice criticism and threat, and how self-compassion allows us to respond differently.

The evidence is there to see

Researchers in the field of positive psychology and self-compassion  such as Kate Heffron and Kristin Neff have evidenced that self-compassion is highly connected to you having increased life satisfaction, high levels of emotional intelligence, optimism, curiosity and initiative as well as having less over-thinking, less perfectionism and a decreased fear of failure.

What is Self-Compassion?

Self-Compassion is compassion which is directed towards you.  Originating from Buddhist psychology, Kristin Neff who is a leading researcher of Self-Compassion offers us this definition

“being open to and moved by one’s own suffering, experiencing feelings of caring and kindness towards oneself, taking an understanding, non-judgemental attitude towards one’s inadequacies and failures, and recognising that one’s own experience is part of the common human experience.”

Self-Compassion can be understood as having 3 inter-connected parts:

• Self-Kindness which is to be caring towards yourself, offering support and unconditional acceptance instead of being critical.
• Common Humanity means you know that all humans struggle with their imperfections, failures and mistakes, knowing its not just you.
• Mindfulness is necessary to develop the awareness of your suffering, allowing the present experience without ignoring or exaggerating the experience.

Self-Worth

I need to say here, that I prefer to think of self-worth and self-compassion and not self-esteem.  Self-esteem tends to be performance related and as such quite fragile, it comes with conditions and also often with comparison with others.  Self-Compassion is unconditional.

Will it let you off the hook?

Often clients are concerned that by being kind to yourself you are letting yourself off the hook when you make a mistake and yet  the evidence would suggest the very opposite. It results in you taking more personal responsibility and being more motivated to learn from your mistakes and move forward.

This may be because we tend to feel safer and more connected to others when we practice self-compassion which can result in less shame responses and stress reduction.

Do you treat others with more kindness than yourself?

In a nut shell, we need to learn to be with ourselves as if with a good friend or someone we love.  My aim in life is to make things as simple as possible, the field of psychology has been great in overcomplicating just about everything… and to what end? If we are to be truly curious about living our good life, surely we need to begin with being kind.

Be Kind, Helen

About the author: Helen has run her own coaching practice for over 20 years, which includes specialising in self-compassion diet programmes, incorporating shame resilience and hope. She holds an MSc Applied Positive Psychology, BSc. Health &Education, Cert. Education, Happiness and is a Well-Being Specialist, Self-Compassion Coach & Master NLP Practitioner & Trainer selfcompassioncoaching.co.uk

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
by Lesley Lyle and Dan Collinson,
Directors of Positive Psychology Learning and authors of the
8-week online Happiness Course

The post What has Self-Compassion got to do with Positive Psychology appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.