I’ve spent far too many years putting on a facade, doing things to please others, submissive behaviour, experiencing marriage break up, affair, affair ending (don’t judge ha ha!),leaving the Army, moving house (again!),depression, bereavements, alcohol and low self esteem has all played a part over the years and its been exhausting trying to cover it all up with a bravado exterior.

So, over the last 5 months or so I’ve been trying to find out who the ‘real me’ is. Going for walks, new places to visit, trying new things, different lifestyle, health, fitness, AF for 700 days and mindfulness has all played a major part in my recovery.

I like your explanation about the Art gallery where you experienced something new without being influenced. I do most things on my own at the moment because I don’t want to be influenced by others on ‘what to do at the weekend’ or ‘what shall we eat tonight’, ‘how was your day’- too much pressure for me at present. Any people in my life at the moment is too crowded, because I need to fully understand me but also because I find it difficult to find love for others even when they worship me! I like being alone, but I’m not lonely. Maybe I should get a dog…

Having done the NHS CBT course in May, it opened my eyes to a large amount of behaviours that I wasn’t aware of (and had). I found out that I was passive, ruminating about past events and worrying about the future or decisions I made (or were previously afraid to make). This course was amazing and I found it inspiring – I am on the road to recovery. One step, then the next. Slowly, no point rushing.

I recently found out that I suffer from hypothyroidism, which in a nutshell makes me feel completely shattered all of the time. Not just tired, but exhausted, aching muscles and joints. This, coupled with my previous low moods has taken a toll on my mental and physical health over the last 18 months. But as said earlier, I am getting better. I am more carefree, living for today and not worrying or over thinking about anything.

One of the things I get benefit from is slowing down. I try not to rush anymore – to work, in work or at home. No point, waste of energy. If I dont complete a task, then it can wait until another day.
I also like to regularly sit with my patio door open or in my garden and do nothing. No TV, no phone, no music, no meditating. Nothing but just look at my garden and listen to the sounds around me (mainly traffic and sirens!).
Reading articles like yours has inspired me, also a number of books I plan to read (Catrina Davies Homesick, Gary Barlow A better me and IKIGAI the Japanese secret to be long and happy life). @calm too – hopefully for 365 days.
So, thank you for your articles, they are very good.
I apologise for going on a little and my over use of brackets and inverted commas.
Andy