What is Toxic Positivity and why is it bad for you?

Toxic positivity can be defined as portraying a positive attitude or excessive confidence in a way which denies the negative aspects associated with a situation. It is an insistence to “stay positive!” at all costs, ignoring any negative emotions that we are feeling.

Have you ever had anyone say to you:

“Cheer up, it may never happen!”
“Every cloud has a silver lining.”
“Think positive!”
“Other people in the world are worse off than you…”

Whereas there may be some truth in those words, if you say that to someone who is struggling (or to yourself), you are effectively telling them to ignore their negative emotions and focus only on the positive. We might be well-meaning, but allowing ourselves to feel negative emotions is as important to our wellbeing as allowing ourselves to be happy. And by putting pressure on ourselves or others, we may add to feelings of shame or inadequacy – that we “should” stay positive and be happy in every situation. This can be extremely damaging to someone who is really struggling with a bad situation or suffering from depression.

Can experiencing ‘negative’ emotions be ‘positive’?

There is an argument that says there are no real ‘negative’ emotions, as all emotions have a purpose, but undoubtedly some emotions feel uncomfortable, and if we act without thinking, this can have negative consequences.

For example, anger can make us unreasonable, lashing out at loved ones or strangers with dire consequences. But feeling angry at injustice, although it feels uncomfortable, can cause us to stand up for ourselves or others and demand change in the world.

But what about sadness?

Sadness is a tough emotion to value. When we lose someone we love or something we truly value, we can feel overwhelmed with sadness. But if we believe that all emotions are useful, they are trying to affect us for a reason, what’s the point of sadness?

Sadness tells us the importance of what we have lost, and with our quietness, withdrawal and tears, we signal to those around us that we need comfort and support. It also leads us to withdraw for a while, and that may be because we need time to assimilate our loss cognitively. If, for example, we have lost a close family member, our emotional landscape has suddenly changed, and we need time to assimilate those changes and find a new path through life without that person by our side. This may feel impossibly hard, particularly if the loss was unexpected or feels unfair to us. We are unlikely to be unable to fully adjust without allowing ourselves ample time to feel sad and mourn our loss.

But isn’t a positive attitude a good thing?

Yes, a positive attitude can increase resilience and help you through difficult times, but the key to positivity is to accept all your emotions but hold them lightly if you can. If you feel sad, angry or any other negative emotion, allow yourself time and space to feel that emotion, but don’t get caught up in ruminating and exacerbating that feeling. A good way to do this is to use mindfulness – accept the emotion, identify it (giving it a name helps us to deal with it), and then allow yourself to see how it feels within your body whilst treating yourself with kindness and self-compassion. To find out more about this approach, try listening to Kristen Neff describing how to work with difficult emotions on YouTube, or listen to her guided meditation on Insight timer – I have used this meditation in the past and found it helpful.

Once you have dealt with that emotion, then you can start to use positivity to see a way forward, maybe see those silver linings, and start to feel a sense of hope again. I have often found when I’m upset that allowing myself space to have a good cry on my own seems to help me process my emotions, after which I feel more able to deal with the world.

How to avoid ‘pushing’ positivity onto others?

So, having talked about how to deal with your own negative emotions, how do we deal with it when someone else feels sad or down, and why do we so often get it wrong?

In an ideal world, when someone else is struggling, we should listen with compassion and truly ‘hear’ what they have to say. Phrases like “It sounds like you’re dealing with a lot right now” or “I’m really sorry to hear you are feeling like this”, will help them feel supported and heard whilst validating their emotions.

So why do we so often leap into problem-solving mode? “Have you tried this?”  “Maybe you should…” Or shut them down with false positivity and tell them to “Cheer up”, or “Stay positive”.

I have realised over the years that we often respond like this to the people that are closest to us, or when we are out of depth and have not experienced the situation that the other person is going through. Listening to their distress causes us distress or uncomfortable feelings. We want to fix it, make it better, so we offer solutions which make us feel better. Or we try to shut them down with toxic positivity, trying to change the subject: “It could always be worse, look on the bright side”.

Recently, my husband was feeling worried about something and tried to share his worries with me. It was a situation that also worried me, but at that point I was feeling calm about it and didn’t want to go down the worry rabbit hole with him. Despite being self-aware of what I was doing, I found myself trying to minimise the situation “It’s not as bad as you think” and offering solutions “Why don’t you try this?”.  I did at least have the capacity to say: “your feelings are perfectly valid”, but I know I didn’t do a good job at listening properly to his concerns and letting him share them with me. But with self-awareness as to how I was responding, I did at least say some of the right things at the time, and later, after I’d dealt with my own difficult emotions, was able to apologise for not being a better listener.

The takeaway – there is a place for positivity, but don’t overdo it.

·      All emotions are valid, if we accept them and hold them lightly using a mindful approach, we can embrace the whole spectrum of human emotion and experience which will increase our wellbeing.

·      When you post some inspiring quote on social media or try to cheer a friend with something like “it will be OK”, just pause and think whether you are actually offering support and encouragement, or whether you are denying their feelings of distress and actually hindering rather than helping.

·      When dealing with others be self-aware: Are you responding to help others? Or are you protecting your own feelings of distress?

·      Don’t be too hard on yourself – either when you are down (There is no “should” in happiness), or when you haven’t listened well to someone else (We’re all human, apologise and try to be better at listening next time.)

·      Once you have dealt with the negative, then let the light in. Be kind to yourself. Lean on your friends or family. Have a hug and a cup of tea. Go for a walk in nature. Allow yourself hope for the future. And soon a realistic positivity will return.

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When I gave birth to my twins some 25 years ago, I told my husband “I want at least a year off before I think about going back to work”, and somehow that one year stretched into three. Then my third child arrived and the “going back to work” in any serious capacity was put on permanent hold as I made the most of being a stay-at-home Mum. Having had problems conceiving and the twins being born as the result of IVF treatment,  I was happy to be able to focus on raising the family I’d longed for, and we were lucky in that we could manage financially with me not working.

However, being at home with small people did have its challenges as well as benefits, so it was important for me to do something outside of the bubble of family life. As soon as my youngest started at school, I started volunteering at our local Oxfam charity shop, sorting and pricing clothes that had been donated, ready for them to sell.

I chose Oxfam because I have long supported charities that address needs in the developing world. It makes sense to me that I should give my time and money where the needs for basics that we take for granted are often unmet. Also, I like shops! Whilst I was at university, my parents bought a wool shop, and the first summer that my mother opened it, I really enjoyed helping out in the shop as her assistant.

First impressions

The first thing I noticed at Oxfam was the benefit of being appreciated. Every time I finished a shift, as I left my manager always said “Thanks for what you’ve done this morning, Sarah!”. At the time, the value of that simple ‘thankyou’ was huge.  At home, I was busy most of the day looking after everyone else’s needs, and it’s not that it was unappreciated, but it was rare to get a “thankyou” from a busy husband, or small children who were used to fish fingers appearing as if by magic at tea time – after all, that’s what Mums are for, isn’t it???

I really enjoyed doing something that wasn’t connected to family, school and children. It allowed me a view of the wider world again. And the other volunteers were lovely – Oxfam is a real community and one of the things I love about our shop is that the volunteers range from 14 – 80, so there’s a real mix of different people working towards a common goal. One the things that I love observing in the youngsters, is their confidence growing as they work with volunteers old enough to be parents or grannies. They are used to being treated as children or pupils, but here they are equals – part of the team- and they love it!

Over the years I have continued to volunteer in Oxfam (16 years and still counting!) and have also had shorter bouts of volunteering at other local charities including a community pantry. I have found it to be beneficial to my psychological wellbeing in a number of  ways, and looking at the research on volunteering supports those findings.

Self-determination theory

Ryan and Deci’s Self-Determination Theory (SDT) suggests that everyone has three basic psychological needs of autonomy, competence and relatedness which when met will lead to psychological growth and development (Ryan & Deci, 2000). They also state that these needs are best met when our motivation is intrinsic rather than extrinsic. Intrinsic motivation is when we enjoy an activity for its own sake, the motivation is internal to us and may be driven by our values and the things we enjoy, whereas extrinsic rewards are external to us, for example, money or a feeling of success compared to others.

If we find the right role in which to volunteer, we can hit all the sweet spots of SDT. Volunteering can help us develop autonomy, competency and relatedness, and if we choose the right role in the right organisation, we can find something that is intrinsically motivating which we will love doing.

Autonomy  and working according to personal values

One of the big benefits of volunteering is autonomy. You get to decide what you want to do, where you want to do it and why. You might be motivated by what an organisation is trying to achieve, or by what you actually get to do – for example if you are stuck in office all day and there is a local conservation charity you might love the chance to work outdoors with others at the weekend. But your why is yours – you can choose for your own reasons, not because it’s the best paid job, or your boss tells you to do it.  So, if you are thinking of volunteering, look for something that you think is worthwhile and you think would be fun or satisfying to do which will satisfy your need for intrinsic motivation and add to your sense of autonomy.

Developing new skills and competencies

Another great thing about volunteering is the chance to try something new or develop new skills.  At Oxfam, I’m now an expert at selling second-hand menswear – maybe not an obviously transferable skill, but there’s a lot wrapped up in that. I have learnt retail skills, such as pricing and marketing, how to deal with customers (which has improved my confidence) and how to deal with fellow volunteers (everyone has something different to add, you should always respect that). But also, I have developed a skill for just looking for what needs doing and getting on with it. Overall, my confidence and competence has grown over the years, and I can apply that sense of competency to other areas in my life.

Relatedness  – Connection to others

If I had to select a single overriding benefit to my personal volunteering experience, I would say it was connection to others and to the bigger world.  It allows me to reach out from my personal family bubble and feel connected to others in the context of values that I hold. At a practical level, when you start volunteering you meet a new bunch of likeminded people amongst your fellow volunteers and make new friends, but depending on what you choose to do, you may also connect with people that you wish to help directly or the just the general public.

At Oxfam we joke that we are part of a larger “Oxfamily”, and in many other organisations (for example if you help with Scouting or your local kids’ football team) you will become part of a local community and maybe a bigger community too. In addition, working with others on something you believe to be important, reinforces those values in yourself and signals that importance to others too. For example, if you care about climate change, joining a local group to take some small action, will reinforce your desire to make a change, and will affect others around you to influence them to make changes too. As the saying says, “be the change you want to see in the world”.

Flexibility

When thinking about the benefits of volunteering, some of these benefits also exist in paid work, but one big advantage to volunteering is flexibility. Because you are giving your time, it’s your call what you do and when you can do it. When I started volunteering at Oxfam, as my children were young, I didn’t work school holidays, also if one of them was sick, I didn’t feel so bad calling in to say I wouldn’t be able to make it after all. Now they are older I work school holidays, but I still have the flexibility to change or cancel a day if needs be.

This flexibility and lack of pressure can also make it easier to use volunteering as a stepping stone to get back into work if you have been off work long term due to mental or physical illness and find some days easier than others. Or if you are working already, you can fit your volunteering round your work life.

Or if you can’t commit to something regular, volunteer for something as a one off. Every year, hundreds of volunteers head to music festivals to work on behalf of Oxfam. They work as stewards, checking tickets, directing cars or any number of jobs that the festival organisers need doing. In return for working, they can spend their free time enjoying the festival. Oxfam provides a variety of benefits including training, some meals & refreshments – and most importantly at some festivals  – access to the crew loos and hot showers!!! The festival organiser pays Oxfam for providing the workers, Oxfam ploughs the money into its life changing projects, the workers have a great time – everyone’s a winner!

Links to other theories of wellbeing

In this article I have focussed on the connection between the benefits of volunteering and Self-Determination Theory as many of the benefits I have observed map nicely onto the three components of autonomy, competence and relatedness. However if you look at any of the other models of wellbeing you can see that the benefits discussed have strong overlap with other factors thought to contribute to wellbeing: For example, Ryff’s theory of psychological wellbeing which proposes six factors of wellbeing: autonomy, environmental mastery, personal growth, positive relations with others, purpose in life, and self-acceptance (Ryff, 1989), or Seligmann’s PERMA model (Positive emotions, Engagement, Relationships, Meaning and Accomplishment) (Butler & Kern, 2016).

In addition, there is research which links volunteering to reduced depression, reduced mortality, improved physical functioning, increase in a sense of purposefulness, pride and empowerment, feelings of altruism and self-actualisation (Nichol et al., 2023). Obviously, we can’t guarantee all of those for everyone if you do a shift or two at Oxfam, but the signs are there that you may benefit in some way!

The downside of volunteering

Having sung the praises of volunteering, are there any down sides?

Yes! As in all things, it’s about balance. Helping others will be good for you, but not if it drains and depletes your energy and becomes overwhelming. One of the downsides to voluntary organisations is that there is often more work that needs to be done than people to do it. So, it can be easy to get sucked in to feeling that you are needed and take on more than you can cope with, particularly if you are also trying to manage working or family demands.

To stop this happening, you need to make sure that you set healthy boundaries – that you are clear on what you can and can’t do. And if things become overwhelming, take a step back. No-one is indispensable.  There’s often a problem in voluntary organisations where there is one key person who is super-involved and efficient, when they want to step down. No-one else feels up to filling their shoes and taking over the role, because they don’t feel they have the same amount of time or capability. But this is where flexibility is required! Maybe the role can be split, or maybe there’s someone in the wings who is waiting to shine.

So, when you realise it’s time for a change, that you are no longer enjoying your voluntary job and want to do something different, then stop. Find yourself a new role, or just have a rest. You have to believe that someone else will come forward, and by stepping back, you are giving someone else the chance to shine. So, when a role is no-longer right for you, it’s time to step back or quit.

Conclusion

Volunteering can be a very positive thing to do, both for yourself and whatever cause you want to support. To get the most out of it, looks at your motivations for being involved – do you agree with the values of the organisation? Will the role be fun, or satisfying in some way that appeals to you? Is the organisation supportive and welcoming? In a good voluntary setting, volunteers will be treated with respect and valued for what they can bring. Everyone has some positive qualities and strengths to bring to their role and a good manager or team leader will allow everyone to feel valued whilst contributing what they can. If it doesn’t quite fit the bill, or you realise you’ve outgrown a role and there’s no more opportunity to change and grow, don’t be afraid to step down and maybe try something new. But if you find something you truly love, you may find you are still there 16 years later…

For information about volunteering opportunities in your area: https://getvolunteering.co.uk

For further information about volunteering at Oxfam festivals go to: https://festivals.oxfam.org.uk/volunteering/

References:

Butler, J., & Kern, M. L. (2016). The PERMA-Profiler: A brief multidimensional measure of flourishing. International Journal of Wellbeing, 6(3), 1–48. https://doi.org/10.5502/ijw.v6i3.526

Nichol, B., Wilson, R., Rodrigues, A., & Haighton, C. (2023). Exploring the Effects of Volunteering on the Social, Mental, and Physical Health and Well-being of Volunteers: An Umbrella Review. Voluntas, 1. https://doi.org/10.1007/S11266-023-00573-Z

Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

Ryff, C. D. (1989). Happiness is everything, or is it? Explorations on the meaning of psychological well-being. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 57(6), 1069–1081. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.57.6.1069

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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As an associate lecturer at Buckinghamshire New University one of my favourite parts of the job is marking one of the first assignments on the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology course. Students are instructed to choose a topic from within Positive Psychology related to Happiness and wellbeing, and then to investigate that subject by trying out one or more positive psychology interventions on themselves over the course of 5-6 weeks. In their marked assignment, they write about what they did and what they found, relating their experiences back to existing theories.

It’s always fascinating to see the variety of subjects picked by different students and also heart-warming to read about their positive experiences and what they have learnt during the process.  Students might choose to write gratitude diaries, try meditation, wean themselves off social media, take walks in nature – or any of a number of different activities that have been shown to increase happiness and wellbeing when consciously practised. One of the topics that regularly comes up is practising Kindness to others.

Being kind to others makes us happy

There is plenty of research in Positive Psychology literature about how being kind to others makes us happy. When we do something for another person, seeing or imagining their reaction can really give us a buzz, we feel good about ourselves and more connected to others, in addition to the benefit experienced by the other person. In one piece of research, participants were given a small sum of money (about £5 -£10) and told to spend it on a treat. Half the participants were told to treat themselves, and the other half were told to use the money to treat another. Researchers found that the group who spent money on others rated their enjoyment higher than the group who were told to treat themselves.

Reading our students’ assignments about kindness, it’s always interesting to hear about their creative approaches. Flowers have been bought and left anonymously for strangers, cups of coffee paid for the next person in the coffee shop queue, money donated to charity, and food given to homeless people. Students report back that they enjoyed helping others and felt happier as a result. It might seem obvious that being kind to a friend or colleague could strengthen a friendship and have a positive effect, but helping strangers can also beneficial to both parties, creating a sense of connection and shared humanity. Being kind to others makes us feel good.

Maximising the happiness effects of kindness

One of the lovely things about kindness is that it is catching! So in an experiment where someone left money at a coffee shop to pay for a drink for the next person, that person chose to pass that gift on – and so did the next – the gift and the feel-good factor of both receiving and giving a gift passed right down the line.  Again, this makes sense, if someone is kind to us, we feel better about the world in general and are more likely to pass on kindness to others.

Research also shows that like anything else we do regularly that makes us happy, the positive effect may become muted after a while – an effect that is called hedonic adaptation. So to keep up the positive effect, we need to mix it up, be creative and try something different or keep it fresh in some way. Research has shown that rather than deciding to do something every day, it might be better to focus your efforts once a week, performing several acts of kindness in one day for a maximum happiness-boosting effect.

Are there any downsides to kindness?

One of the downsides of kindness is that because it makes us feel good, it can be easy to lose sight of whether we really are benefitting the recipient of our kindness, and it can potentially backfire.

Two factors that are important for our psychological wellbeing are a sense of autonomy (the ability to make our own choices) and environmental mastery (having control over our environment). If we do something that undermines another’s sense of autonomy or control over their environment, then we aren’t being as helpful as we think.

For example, if someone is physically struggling to do something (maybe due to old age or some other health condition) it’s easy to jump in and do it for them – but maybe it is more psychologically beneficial for them to be able to do it themselves? So it’s always prudent to ask if help is required, not just jump in and take over. This can be really tough if our idea of what is good for them is different to theirs – my fiercely independent father-in-law lived for years on his own, struggling to cope, but resisted almost all efforts from his family to help, apart from on his terms. Our kindness to him was to try to help as much as possible whilst respecting his wishes to live a life that we wouldn’t choose for him. When pushing him to accept help, we had to ask ourselves – is this really what he wants, or are we pushing this because it would make us feel better? To do the best for someone else, it’s important to be aware of our own motivations – are we trying to help them, or change a situation that we find distressing for us?

Another downside – expecting a ‘thankyou’ and the problem of indebtedness

Another potential downside of being kind to someone else is the expectation that they will feel grateful for our help, and if they don’t respond as we expect, it can lead to resentment for what we have done for them.  If this happens, this may be a pointer to the fact that we are being more motivated by how we feel than the benefit to them and we may have misjudged their real needs. So again, we have to be honest with ourselves. Are we really giving a gift, with no expectations apart from the warm feeling that we have helped, or are we expecting something in return – loyalty, a ‘thank you’, or a return favour.  This isn’t to say that there is anything wrong with those warm pro-social feelings when we are kind,  we don’t have to suffer to do good, we just have to give it a bit of thought.

There are also cultural differences in the giving and receiving of favours, in some cultures saying ‘thankyou’ may not be the appropriate response, or doing something for someone else might create a feeling of indebtedness, so we need to be aware of those differences too. Even within a Western culture, there is also the potential problem of indebtedness, if the recipient feels that they ‘owe’ you something in exchange for what you have done for them. In an ideal world, the kindness bestowed will come with no strings attached, so any feeling of a debt needing to be repaid is more likely to be focussed on ‘paying it forward’ and extending the chain of kindness, as in the example of the free coffee already mentioned.

The problem of being led by our hearts and not our heads

When donating money or time, we are often led by our hearts, choosing causes that have personal meaning to us, such as medical charities that support research in an illness that has affected a loved one, or a charity close to home. There are lots of worthwhile charities that we could support, but also take a moment to consider which are the causes where your money can be used to best effect. I am a long-time supporter of Oxfam and other charities working in the developing world because it seems to me that where basic needs are unmet, a small amount of money can go a long way to improve people’s lives, so my money is best spent in that way. I’m not saying don’t support your favourite charity close to home, it’s great to be involved in a local cause with a sense of community, but also think about the impact that you have, check that your chosen charity spends money well, and consider stretching your compassion to people that are further away, or you might not so easily relate to.

Maximising the benefits of kindness – moving on to true compassion

The world would undoubtedly be a better place if we were all a little kinder to one another, but for the maximum benefit for both parties, we need to use our brains as well as our hearts. Before you act, consider the following:

• Kindness doesn’t need to be a big, expensive gesture, that expects a big response. Smile at someone. Listen to them. Don’t judge people, instead, try to understand why they are saying or doing whatever it is that you don’t agree with.
• Before you do something for someone, consider their point of view. Do they want help? Ask if help is wanted before you jump in – sometimes the offer of help is the kindest part, knowing that someone would help us, even if we want to do something ourselves.
• The best kindness has no strings attached. So offer kindness freely – don’t expect a “Thankyou”, but appreciate it if you get one.
• Don’t bankrupt your kindness store. You don’t have to suffer to be kind. Generally speaking, being kind will make you feel happy and replenish that store of goodwill. But you also need to be kind to yourself and recognise your needs, so don’t stretch yourself beyond what you can freely give, practically or psychologically.
• Use your brain and not just your heart when choosing causes to support. Helping with a local cause can make you feel part of the local community, but supporting international charities might be more cost-effective and make you feel part of a wider community too. Ideally, do both!

How our actions influence others

One last point about kindness: Don’t feel that you have to hide your light under a bushel. It’s sometimes seen as bragging to talk about the good things that we have done, and there is a (false) narrative that says to be truly altruistic we have to do good without benefit to ourselves, but if my donation to Oxfam helps provide water in a refugee camp, I don’t suppose the refugees care about my motives when I donated. So whether you want to brag or not, you should also be aware that seeing or hearing about your positive actions can influence others to make changes too, so share your successes (maybe in a humble way) to inspire others for maximum benefit in the world.

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Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Others like me, took a more earth-mother approach, going with the flow and hating the idea of a strictly enforced routine. It was at that point in my life that it really struck me that maybe neither approach was ‘right’ or ‘wrong’, but what was important was to find an approach that suited the parents’ organisational style. Some people love lists, structure, routines and goals – others prefer a more meandering approach to life, going with the flow and pursuing what interests them at the time.

Both approaches have pros and cons, and whatever our personal style is (and that may change over time and circumstances), we should embrace our strengths, but also be humble enough to realise that a different approach also has its strengths and at times we can learn something from that.

Fast forward 20 years and whilst studying Snyder’s hope theory in Positive Psychology, I realised I had a problem with the word ‘goals’. Say ‘goal’ to me and it takes me back to working in IT in the 1980s and the acronym SMART – you will be more likely to meet a goal if it is Specific, Measurable, Achievable, Relevant and Time-bound. This is an entirely sensible idea, so why does the word make my inner anarchist squirm so much?

Maybe because in my mind’s eye, it makes the word ‘goal’ sound like something dry and logical, without taking into account any emotional component? What about the value of that goal in the first place? The importance of trying it even if it might not be achievable? And most of all, ‘goal’ to me sounds very outcome focused – we either achieve a goal or we don’t – but what about the learning along the way which may be as valuable as a successful outcome? What if we don’t quite know what we want to achieve in the first place?

A second problem that I see related to focus on ‘goals’ is it relates to a western ideal of focusing on personal achievement. Not that there’s necessarily a problem with personal achievement – it can be great! But again it comes back to that classic phrase, it’s the journey, not the destination.

A couple of years ago, I signed up for a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology at Buckinghamshire New University. In a way, I had a ‘goal’ of completing the course – which I achieved. But the important part to me wasn’t the qualification (albeit that does give me a nice rosy glow when I think about it), but it was the process of getting the degree that was the best bit. I travelled to Bucks once a month (until COVID interrupted), met so many wonderful people, had great conversations and learnt so many new things. That was the real ‘goal’ for me – but it was full of twists and turns and unexpected benefits along the way. Even if I hadn’t finished my Masters, I would have gained so much through going through the process.

Another example of a ‘goal’ I have pursued in the past was to have a family. After a number of years of infertility investigations and treatments, we finally went down the route of IVF, and were lucky enough to succeed on the second attempt, resulting in twins – a whole family in one go! When I studied Hope theory during my course – I thought back to this time, and whether the desire for a family met the idea of having a ‘goal’? Yes, it was a ‘goal’ of sorts, but at what point could I say ‘goal completed!’. On the day we got the fantastic news I was pregnant? On the day the scan revealed that I was expecting twins? The day that I gave birth? When they went to school? When they finally left home and became independent adults? (We’re still working on that one…) Having a family isn’t so much a ‘goal’ as a journey, an ongoing process of following my values and prioritising what is important and meaningful to me, in the same way that working on my Masters was.

Although I have had a sense of discomfort with the word ‘goal’ for a while, it was recently whilst reading an excellent book called “The Happiness Trap” (Harris, 2007), that I came across an excellent quote that crystallised this for me:

“It’s important to recognise that values are not the same thing as goals. A value is a direction we desire to keep moving in, an ongoing process that never ends.”

Thinking about it in those terms, it made sense to me why I have a problem with ‘goal setting’. I spent some time thinking about my values, and came up with three themes which capture them – Curiosity, Learning & Exploring, Connection to Others (which includes a sense of fairness and equality), and Connection to Nature. I can see that moving in the direction of my values is often a meandering process – curiosity side tracks me, looking at the flowers in the garden or doing creative stuff with the kids was always more interesting than tidying up or “getting things done”.

For me, a better approach to intentional behaviour is to set myself a ‘challenge’ rather than a goal. I’m often more motivated by “what happens if I do this? What will I learn? What interesting conversations about it will I have?” than the satisfaction of achieving something and ticking the box.

Spending some time identifying your values can be really useful in that it makes sure that you are heading in the right direction in life, and not getting side-tracked by the achievement of goals that don’t meet your values. Having identified my values in this way, when I start thinking “shall I do so and so” I can relate it back to my values – is this something I really want to do? Or that I feel I ‘should’ do? Psychologists Ryan and Deci (2000) call this “Intrinsic motivation” – being motivated by our internal values. When we are intrinsically motivated, we are far more likely to persist and achieve our aims than when we are motivated by extrinsic values – external rewards such as money or approval from others.

So whether you are a person who loves structure and lists and are happy setting ‘goals’, or whether you prefer to meander and set yourself ‘challenges’ like me, take some time to think out what are your values. What is important to you? Dig deep. If you think “I would like to have lots of money”, why is that? If you had all the time and money you wanted, what would you do? Spend more time with friends? Maybe what you really value is connection to others. Travel?

Maybe like me, you are curious about other places and cultures. If you can identify your core values, you can set a better direction in your life. Yes, you might have to work, but if you choose a job where you put your values in action every day, it will be much more satisfying than one that doesn’t. And even if your life is full of things that you need to do and you don’t have much choice, you can start to carve out little pockets of working on things that do matter to you. And it’s not just ‘what do I want to do?’ but also ‘What sort of a person do I want to be?’ , ‘what sort of relationships do I want to build’ and ‘what do I value’?

To conclude, I will still wriggle if you use the word ‘goal’ too much, but I accept that’s me and if you love the word, that’s OK. But the important point is to think about how your direction in life aligns with your values. When you set a goal, is it moving you in the direction you desire? Or if you aren’t quite sure of what goals you want to set, start moving in that direction anyway by taking a small step. You might not know what will happen or be 100% sure of where you are going, but hopefully, you will enjoy the journey along the way.

References:

Harris, R. (2007). The Happiness Trap: How to Stop Struggling and Start Living. The Happiness Trap, 7(2).
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. (2000). Self-determination theory and the facilitation of intrinsic motivation, social development, and well-being. American Psychologist, 55(1), 68–78. https://doi.org/10.1037/0003-066X.55.1.68

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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An important topic in the field of positive psychology is the study of strengths. The basic idea is that we are all different and have different strengths – thoughts, feelings or behaviours that come naturally to us and give us energy and a sense of satisfaction when we use them. For example, one person may be a great organiser, another might have a talent for creativity, or a great capacity for kindness to others. These strengths are often seen as virtues – desirable behaviours that benefit society. We all have a large number of different things that we can do, but we will have a few ‘top’ strengths that go some way to defining who we are, what we are best at, and linking to what motivates and engages us.

In 2004 Peterson and Seligman published “The Classification of Character Strengths and Virtues” – a book in which they explained their research and expounded the idea that there were 6 categories of virtues that were shared across multiple societies, philosophies and religions over time; wisdom, courage, humanity, transcendence, justice and moderation. Within these categories sit a total of 24 character strengths which are regarded as universally desirable. For example, love, kindness and social intelligence sit under the category of humanity, the strengths of creativity, curiosity, judgement, love of learning and perspective sit under the virtue of wisdom. As part of the research, they developed a survey for people to take to find out which of these strengths were their top strengths, or signature strengths. If you are interested to discover your top strengths, you can take the VIA survey for free online at https://www.viacharacter.org (You can also pay for a more in-depth report, but you don’t need to do this, there is also plenty of information about the different strengths on their site.)

Following in their footsteps, other researchers have taken a broader view of strengths and have identified a greater number of individual strengths which provide a more detailed assessment of our talents and behaviours, often those that are relevant to work as well as generally in life. For example, CAPPfinity’s Strengths profile identifies 60 strengths such as planner, counterpoint, esteem builder or bounce. Again, if you are interested to investigate this further, there’s a free survey online to generate a starter profile to discover your top strengths https://www.strengthsprofile.com/en-GB

What’s so important about Top Strengths?

Research has shown that when we use our top strengths, we feel confident and energised and become more productive. Instead of focusing on what we could do better, which can drain our energy and make us feel inadequate, by focusing on what we do well we can increase our happiness and confidence and allow ourselves to be our authentic best self. Research has shown that consciously using a strength can increase your levels of happiness and subjective wellbeing. For example, if one of your top strengths is kindness, consciously looking for an opportunity every day to do something kind for someone you know, or a stranger, will create a little burst of positivity and wellbeing in your day.

How do I work out my Top Strengths?

If you’ve never thought about this before, take some time to think about it now. What do you do best, and importantly, what do you do that energises you? (Sometimes we are good at things because we’ve had to do them, but they don’t come naturally and are draining. Look for the things that you are good at, love to do that give you a little burst of energy.)

Do you get a buzz out of being kind to others, planning and organising, are you driven by a sense of fairness and justice? Are you good at taking a balanced perspective on things? Or being empathetic? Or full of energy? There are many different ways to describe your strengths, but have a think as to what you think they might be. Another very powerful way to understand your strengths is to ask those close to you who’s judgement you trust – how do they see you? Asking this question can be both enlightening and humbling, as friends often have the capacity to see us at our best, rather than through our own self-critical eyes. And different people will see us in different ways, depending on the context in which they know us. They may use different words, but are there some common threads that come through, a sense of authenticity that this describes you?

There are many ways to describe your strengths – you may find Seligman’s 24 virtues speak to you, or you may find your own words to define your strengths. For example, you may realise that you love bringing people together and drawing new people into your existing circle of friends – I’m not sure there’s a name for this, but if you can’t find a suitable description, you can always make up your own – how about ‘friend-gatherer’?

How does this relate to perfectionism?

For me, the most powerful thing that I learnt about strengths is that I realised that when you accept that everyone has different strengths – and that’s perfectly natural – then by implication, we can’t be good at everything – and that’s OK too. We can start to see ourselves as part of a team, whether it’s at work, in the family, or in a social situation. Some people may have strengths as a leader, but if we don’t, that’s absolutely fine, because we will have strengths that they don’t, like attention to detail, or being good at explaining things to others. Rather than feeling inadequate because we aren’t very good at doing something, we can just say ‘but that’s not my strength’ and find it easier to accept, because by implication, we have other strengths elsewhere.

I have always been a bit of a people-pleaser, and hate confrontation. I also prefer to deal with people face to face rather than on the phone, so when I was at home with children full-time and slightly lacking in confidence, whenever there were any ‘difficult’ telephone calls to be made, I had a tendency to try to get my husband to make the call for me. I used to feel bad about this and inadequate. I felt that I ‘should’ be OK with doing this but I wasn’t.  But having studied strengths as part of my positive psychology masters’ course, the next time this happened I had a revelation. When I asked my husband to make a difficult phone call and he gave me that “why can’t you do this?” look I suddenly felt liberated. I spoke out.

“I’m asking you to do this because you’re better at it than me. I could do it, but you are the best person to do it and we’re a team. I am better at other things, but this is your strength.”

Suddenly the stress of feeling inadequate was gone. I didn’t have to be good at everything, because there were other things that were my strengths. We were a team, and it was OK to ask him to step in.

Likewise, I stopped beating myself up for having a less-than-tidy house. My mother was extremely organised and tidy, and our home always looked nice, so as I grew into an adult, I never quite felt that my housekeeping standards were up to scratch, no matter how hard I tried. But again, once I started focusing on my strengths, my feelings about this changed. My strengths include love of learning, and exploration and creativity. When I became a mum I chose to have a messy chaotic household where three children were encouraged to use pens and paint, to bring their friends around, rearrange the furniture to make dens and generally be creative. When I had spare time, I’d do a bit of tidying, but then get distracted by something that was more interesting like signing up for an OU course, or doing a Masters, or writing a blog post. My choices aren’t better than my mother’s, they are just different, because we are different people, with different strengths and priorities. She had a lovely tidy, welcoming house. My house is welcoming, but often messy, but I also have a Masters in Positive Psychology!

Conclusion

Strengths are the things that we are good at that come naturally and bring us energy when we use them. They may change a little over time, and we might use different strengths in different circumstances, but we tend to have a few signature strengths that are part of our personality that endure over time. We are all different, and our own constellation of signature strengths makes us unique. If we play to our strengths, we can achieve more than if we are constantly worrying about what we aren’t so good at. Yes, sometimes we will need to do things that we aren’t so good at, but if we all focus on our strengths and work together as a team, we can achieve so much more than if we are all wasting our time trying to be ‘perfect’ individuals.

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Even earlier than that, Confucius and Buddha were exploring their thoughts and teaching their ideas on these subjects, so it seems reasonable to assume that ever since homo sapiens has been thinking and talking these subjects have been up for discussion. More recently, mainstream psychology has embraced the idea of ‘Positive’ Psychology, investigating the science of happiness and what makes life worth living – a change of viewpoint from a previous focus in psychology which often looked how to ‘fix’ us when things aren’t going well.

What do we mean by happiness?

Everyone has their own idea of happiness, and one of the interesting things I’ve found as I talk to people about it is how much the idea of happiness varies from person to person. Say “happiness” to some people and it makes them think of a transitory emotion, the feeling of excitement on Christmas day, a good night out with friends, or the warm contentment of feeling of the sun on their face. Others see it as something longer-lasting – the feeling of being content with their lives that they are meaningful and rich. In psychological terms, these two types of happiness are often referred to as Hedonia and Eudaemonia respectively, but a more accessible way to think about it may be to think about ‘pleasure’ and ‘purpose’.

Pleasure and purpose

The pleasure aspect of happiness comes from enjoying the moment, whereas the longer-term feeling of purpose and meaning in our lives is important to a sense of feeling ‘happy’ with our lives overall. Rather than arguing about which is best, it’s better to see it as a balance. We need to feel a sense of overall direction and meaning, but we also need to stop and smell the roses along the way.

If we think of happiness in these terms, this also helps to incorporate cultural differences in ideas of happiness. In the U.S. happiness tends to be seen as something associated with a state of high arousal – excitement, elation, jumping with joy. Amongst Hong Kong Chinese however, happiness is associated with calmness, peace, relaxation. There’s also a difference across ages – think of the noisy joy of a toddler who lives entirely in the moment, compared to the quiet joy of the grandparent who is watching.

A question of balance

An understanding of these two different aspects of happiness helps us to understand where sometimes we go wrong. If we prioritize short term pleasure at the expense of longer-term direction and meaning, we run the risk of using quick fixes to hide the fact that we feel a lack of purpose in our lives which ultimately leaves us feeling empty when the short-term fix wears off. But equally, spending our lives focussing on long term goals and achievement can mean that we miss the moments along the way that give us joy – we need a balance of both types of happiness.

The first myth of happiness –

“This simple life hack will make you happy”
There is no simple answer to the question of how to be happy. The reality is that there’s a mix of things that we need for optimal functioning, involving pleasure and purpose, which can vary from person to person, across different cultures and across the lifespan. However, despite these differences, there are core themes that arise when we investigate what makes people happy, so the more we learn about what makes other people happy, the more we can apply this knowledge to our own situation when appropriate – the goal of positive psychology.

The second myth of Happiness –

“I will be happy when…”
Another common preconception is that we will be happier when something we desire happens. We get a new car, a raise at work, a new job, win the lottery. Research shows that although this will increase our happiness for a short time, we quickly get used to new things and our happiness levels return to normal (psychologists call this ‘hedonic adaptation).

This doesn’t mean to say that external circumstances don’t impact our happiness levels – particularly if something bad happens, we encounter illness, we get divorced or lose a spouse we will feel unhappy for a while. But the good news is that in this case adaptation works in our favour and our happiness levels will improve as we get used to our new situation, and we are more likely to be resilient and cope better if our life is oriented around the things that bring us happiness in the good times, such as close relationships to friends and being in nature.

The third myth of Happiness –

“You are either born happy or you are not”.
There is some truth to the fact that some people have a happier disposition than others – twin studies show identical twins have more similar happiness levels than those of fraternal twins. But beyond genetics and circumstances, there’s still room to manoeuvre – our happiness levels will move up and down according to what’s going on around us and how we react to that, but we do have some ability to influence the way we react to what’s going on, which in turn influences our feelings. (Again there’s a caveat here – the good news is that we can influence our happiness levels to some extent, but that should not be taken to mean that people should just ‘think positively’ and all will be well – it’s not that simple, and in particular, people suffering from depression or other mental illness that affects their moods should not be made to feel it’s somehow their fault and they can just ‘snap out of ’ if they try hard enough.)

The fourth myth of Happiness –

“But I know what makes me happy”
Although we do have some idea about what makes us happy, there are also times when we are notoriously bad at predicting how we will feel. For example, in a study looking at social interaction with strangers on public transport on a regular commute, people predicted they would be happiest to read/stare out the window rather than talk to fellow passengers. Yet when their happiness levels were tested immediately after the commute, the reverse was true – talking to strangers does make us happier, despite our initial misgivings. The study also showed that the people who were talked to also felt happier after the exchange.

Likewise, another study on interacting with nature showed that when given a choice over walking across a university campus via underground tunnels, or outdoors, participants overpredicted their enjoyment of being in the tunnels, and underpredicted the benefit of walking in the open air, with exposure to trees and natural scenes – again, they underestimated the happiness benefit of being in nature.

How to be happy?

As mentioned above, positive psychology has a wealth of research into what makes us happy. It’s impossible to cover it all here, and often my blog posts cover one small area of things that are good for us in more detail, but here’s my starter at explaining some of the important themes for what makes us happy.

Connection

As humans, we evolved as social animals living in a natural world. Connecting to others is hugely important to our mental wellbeing, whether we are extroverts who like to be surrounded by people or the time, introverts who need quality time with close friends alternated with time alone, or somewhere between those two extremes. As mentioned in the study about commuting, connection doesn’t just have to be with close friends – small everyday connections with others are good for our mental wellbeing too.

We also benefit from being connected to nature and feelings of spiritual or religious connection to the wider world. Contact with the natural world, spending time in nature, gardening, growing houseplants or spending time with animals and pets makes us feel happier.

Looking after our bodies

When thinking about psychology, it’s easy to think about what’s going on cognitively and to forget the importance of looking after ourselves physically. Exercise, good nutrition, and sleep are all vital for our mental wellbeing as well as our physical wellbeing – the mind and body are closely connected and what affects one will impact the other.

Looking after our minds

In the same way, as our bodies need to be active, our minds do too. Learning new things, talking to new people, going to new places is good for us cognitively. Having meaning and direction in our life is important for us too. Lots of people talk about the importance of setting ‘goals’ and although that has value, I sometimes struggle with the word ‘goal’. It implies that we need to know where we are going before we set out, but sometimes the best journeys are the ones where we don’t know where we are going – we just set out to explore. So, if you like setting goals, great, but take time to be curious and allow yourself time to explore and ponder too.

Appreciating what we have

In happiness myth 2 we talked about ‘hedonic adaptation’ – the fact that we get used to good things and stop appreciating their benefit. But the upside is that we can try to counteract this tendency by taking time to appreciate what we have. Gratitude journaling, savouring, prayers of thanks (if we are religious), being mindful and paying attention to the moment will all help us appreciate what is around us and will increase our happiness levels. In addition, the more we pay attention to the good things in our life, the more we notice them, so this has an ongoing effect to help us look on the bright side, even when times are tough.

Conclusion

The question of “what makes us happy” is an interesting one, but not one with a quick answer. But there are common underlying themes, and the more we learn, the more we can choose to influence our own behaviour and actions, which can affect our circumstances and the way we feel. It’s also fun to experiment on ourselves – by trying different things out, we can see what works for us. Gratitude journaling might be my thing, running marathons might be yours – there’s plenty of scope for individual differences. The good thing about positive psychology is that by taking a science-based approach to understanding this question, we can start to unravel the myths from the truths about what will make us happier.

Further Reading:
The How of Happiness – Sonja Lyubomirsky

Sonja Lyubomirsky is a professor of psychology whose main research interest is happiness. The How of Happiness is written for the general reader and goes into this subject in more detail, including covering many different happiness activities that have been shown to increase happiness in psychology research. If you want to learn more and try out some happiness activities yourself, this is a great place to start.

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles here

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post How to be Happy: Four Myths Debunked appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

It’s traditional on New Year’s Eve to make New Year’s resolutions. People promise themselves they will lose weight, drink less, quit smoking or start exercising. If they are lucky, they might keep up their new year’s resolutions for a couple of weeks before they run out of steam. Some people will succeed, but many people fail. Why is it so hard to create new habits and even harder to break old ones?

The usefulness of habits

Every morning I take my dog for a walk. Sometimes we go out with friends and do different walks, but most of the time we do a familiar loop from our house. We walk out of our house, across the road, around the field then back up the hill and home. It’s so familiar I don’t have to think about it. Once I get started it’s easy and effortless and I can think about something else – what I’m going to be doing that day, enjoy just looking at the scenery or whatever takes my fancy.

Even the dog knows that when we reach the field we normally loop around to the right. Just occasionally I will make a conscious decision to break out of the loop and do something different, but that takes thought and effort, and the default is to walk the normal route. The downside of this is it can be a bit boring. If I make an effort to go somewhere new, then it’s generally more enjoyable walking somewhere different. So why do I do this?

Because it’s easy. The dog needs walking and it’s the easiest way to get the job done. At each point on the walk, I don’t have to make a conscious decision whether to turn left or right because I’ve done it so many times before, it’s automatic. I have created a habit, which means as I walk, I can think about something else.

Our brains have so much information to process, that they need to prioritize. Our brains routinely offload decision-making and processing into a routine that becomes a habit and is dealt with by the subconscious, then it allows the conscious part of the brain to focus on the things that are important. If we had to consciously make decisions about every tiny little thing, all of the time, it would tire us out or overwhelm us. Think of the first day in a new job. When everything is new and unfamiliar it’s exhausting. Or a baby learning to walk – before its routine, it’s a huge effort. Habits are useful to us because they allow our brains to be efficient, offloading routine tasks to the subconscious and allowing the conscious brain to do the important stuff.

How do habits work?

The key to making or breaking habits is to understand how they work. When a habit has been created, the brain automatically responds to a cue or trigger with a physical, mental, or emotional response – a pattern of behaviour that has become routine. That behaviour then culminates in a reward of some type, which makes us feel good, which feeds back to the brain, and the habit becomes more embedded.

For example, I see a packet of Cadbury’s Mini Eggs, I tear them open and crunch on the delicious chocolatey eggs. My brain gets a little dopamine hit to say that was good! (Dopamine is the hormone associated with reward). Next time I see Mini Eggs, I’m programmed to respond. By the time I’ve been through the cycle a few times, just thinking about Mini Eggs starts me salivating, much like one of Pavlov’s dogs.

Creating new habits

So, if (some!) habits are useful then we need to know how to create new ones. As everyone who’s made a New Year’s resolution and not managed to keep it knows, it’s not always that easy. The more we repeat something, the deeper entrenched becomes that habit, in the same way as the path around the field gets deeper every time the dog and I walk around it, but how do we start the process?

Pick a goal that matters to YOU

Firstly, we are more likely to succeed if what we are trying to achieve matters to us, and we like doing it. This is called intrinsic motivation. If we decide to start exercising because we want to become healthier, and we chose dancing because we like dancing, every time we go dancing, we will enjoy it and that will feedback to reinforce the behaviour. If we do something that we don’t really want to do to gain approval from others this won’t reinforce the habit in the same way.

Start small and make it easy

The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard about how to start running, was to promise yourself that you would put on your running shoes and step outside the front door. By making the first step really simple, it’s easy to succeed.  Having got that far, the chances are that you will start jogging down the road. The next day you might run a little further – or maybe some days you will run a little less. But it doesn’t matter – you’re making progress, and every time you do, you are reinforcing that habit.

Plan ahead and use cues

It’s not quite enough to decide to do something. We also need to decide when we are going to do something and link it to a cue for it to become a habit. So, if I want to start running, I need to work out when I’m going to do it and try to use a cue to trigger that behaviour. If I decide to run in the morning, I can get my running stuff out the night before – then in the morning when I wake up, seeing it there will cue my new routine of putting on my shoes and getting out the door.

Habit stacking

Another way to use cues is to ‘habit stack’ – add something onto something that you do already. Rangan Chatterjee suggests using the time whilst the kettle boils to do a few squats or push-ups against the kitchen counter. By adding a tiny bit of exercise in as a new habit in this way, if you drink as much tea as we do in our house, you will soon be fit!

What about breaking bad habits?

Breaking old habits is harder than making new ones, as they are already ingrained in our brains. The trick here is to use our knowledge of the habit loop to stop the old behaviour happening.

Change your environment to avoid cues that trigger the behaviour you are trying to stop

If you want to lose weight and you love biscuits, don’t keep them on the worktop. Put them in a cupboard out of sight, on a high shelf, or don’t buy them at all. It sounds obvious, but it works! Remember our brains are lazy and that’s good – so don’t make them work to resist temptation, keep temptation out the way.

Think ahead and find a new behaviour to substitute for the old one

We can keep biscuits out of reach, but we can’t rid the world of biscuits, so what happens when we get that cookie craving. Firstly, we need to understand what that craving is really about. Are we hungry, or bored? Could we substitute a different behaviour instead? Eat an apple or an oatcake? Or drink a glass of water? Walk round the garden or go talk to someone for ten minutes?

Experiment with different behaviours to see what works for you. This is your chance to be creative! Once you’ve found something that works for you, build it into a new habit to replace the old.

Involve other people

We are social creatures, and we don’t like to lose face. If we publicly declare an intention, we are more likely to fulfil it. But pick your supporters wisely, share your intentions with people who will support you and cheer you on your way, not sabotage your good intentions. Finding other like-minded people to support you, particularly if you are trying to build up to a big change is really important. Everyone know that to lose weight you need to eat less, but slimming clubs are popular because they provide that mutual support that makes a difference.

Believe that you will succeed

Again, this sounds obvious, but it’s important. Addiction programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous require a commitment to God or a higher power. Researchers investigating why this was important found that the importance wasn’t so much a belief in God, but a belief that things could change. This is another reason why support groups are so valuable – if you surround yourself by people who have changed and who have struggled to do so, you can believe that it is possible, that you can change too.

Complex problems will require multiple solutions – start small and build up

If we want to change something big, it isn’t going to happen overnight. Going all out for change can backfire if we don’t feel like we’re making progress and starting lots of new habits at once might be overwhelming. But by taking small steps and celebrating each success, we can build up to something big. Pick one thing, make it simple and start. When that new habit is embedded, move onto the next.

Always, always be kind to yourself

Remember, your brain is lazy, and it’s designed like that to be efficient. When we slip back into bad habits, it’s just our brain going into automatic and running that old routine. When that happens, don’t beat yourself up, it happens to everyone. Just give your lazy brain a bit of a talking to, then get it to help you work out how to get back on track. What went wrong? Was it a trigger that you could have avoided? Or is there more you can do to work on new alternative behaviours? Little steps, just keep going.

When you succeed, celebrate your success

Celebrate the success of each tiny new habit. Pat yourself on the back. Tell a friend. Keep going with that habit until it becomes routine. Understanding how the habit loop works has allowed you to make or break a habit, now you have the fun of deciding what to tackle next!

Further Reading:

There are some excellent books on the subject of habits, with lots of great stories to illustrate their points.

“The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg

“Atomic Habits” by James Clear – I haven’t yet read this, but it has excellent reviews and looks to cover much of the same ground.

If you prefer podcasts, Rangan Chatterjee’s “Feel Better, Live More” series of podcasts feature many interesting interviews about healthy lifestyles, including a recent interview with James Clear. https://drchatterjee.com/how-to-build-good-habits-and-break-bad-ones-with-james-clear/

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Making and Breaking Habits – How to Reprogram our Lazy brains. appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Positive Psychology has sometimes been described as what takes us from OK to great – but what happens when something knocks us sideways and we are finding it hard to cope?

There are times when things just aren’t going right for us and no amount of positivity can fix it, so what do we do then? I’m normally a fan of gratitude journaling to keep focussed on the bright side of life, but in the last couple of months there have been a couple of issues over which I have no control that have made it hard to feel positive or hopeful. So this month I thought I would try to summarise what I’ve learnt from Positive Psychology that has helped me through.

Acknowledge your emotions, but don’t get swept away

If you are feeling angry, or frustrated or upset or sad, that’s OK. Don’t be hard on yourself or feel that you shouldn’t ‘feel’ that way, just accept those emotions as part of your human experience. But at the same time, don’t get swept up in your emotions or take action when they are in full flow. This is easier said than done, and takes practice, but if you can allow yourself to time to feel and process an emotion, without reacting to it and leaping into action straightaway, the feelings will calm down eventually and then you can move forward. One way I found helped me was to rephrase the way I spoke to myself. Instead of saying “I am angry” (or sad, or whatever) I rephrase it as “I feel angry” – this adds a distance between me and the feeling, allowing me to acknowledge it without being caught up in it.

One analogy I’ve found useful is to think of your mind as the sky. The weather comes and goes, sometimes it’s sunny and sometimes it’s stormy. But you are the sky and not the weather, just watch the weather pass through and know that the rain will end.

Easier said than done – how do I do this?

One approach to try may be to use the R.A.I.N. technique, an approach that allows you to work through four steps to process your emotions. This approach comes from the Buddhist tradition of mindfulness and has been further developed by Tara Brach, a clinical psychologist and Buddhist teacher.

R – Recognise how you are feeling. Can you put a label on your emotion?

A – Acknowledge/Accept things are as they are right now. We might not like what is happening or what we are feeling, but accept your feelings as they are, don’t try to push them away or be angry with yourself for feeling that way.

I – Investigate. With a gentle compassion to yourself, explore your feelings. Why do I feel like this? What is this emotion trying to tell me? What can I learn from this?

N – Non-identification/Nurture. Understand that this emotion is transient, and not who you are. Then treat yourself with kindness as you would a friend.

Write it down

Another way to help work through what’s going on is to write it down. I find this particularly helpful if things are going round in my head in the middle of the night – if I can’t get back to sleep, I bale out to the spare room, grab a pen and paper put on a side light and just write down what I’m thinking and feeling. When we write things down, we have to process our thoughts and this stops us mentally chasing our tails and allows us to make sense of what’s going on in our heads.

The scientist James Pennebaker has done a lot of research into the benefits of writing and has developed a technique called expressive writing, where you sit and write about an issue for at least 15 minutes, three or four days in a row. The idea is to write continuously – don’t worry about spelling or grammar – you can write longhand or type, or even talk into a voice recorder. You don’t need to do anything with your writing afterwards (keep it, burn it, rip it into shreds…), the benefit is in the act of writing.

Research has shown that although writing about an issue or traumatic event may be upsetting in the short term, it often results in physical and mental health benefits. Pennebaker theorises that there may be a number of reasons why this might be helpful. In the process of writing, we ascribe words to our emotions and thoughts, which allow us to make sense of them and allow us to understand and find meaning in our experience, maybe even fashioning it into a ‘story’ that we can tell ourselves. Processing experiences in this way then allows us to stop ruminating over them (and in my case, put down my pen and paper, and go back to sleep.) One important point to note is that this technique works well on people who are generally mentally healthy – it may not be appropriate for someone who is severely depressed or has another mental illness, so this particular technique of expressive writing should be used with care.

Talk it out

If it’s not the middle of the night, then another option is to talk it out with a trusted friend. Someone who can validate your feelings and make you feel supported without going into ‘problem solving’ mode and trying to tell you what to do. Sometimes the people closest to us will find it hard not to get too drawn in and to try to problem solve which can be counterproductive – it’s frustrating if you are trying to express how you feel and end up trying to justify why you shouldn’t do x y or z, because you’ve tried it, or have reasons why you don’t think that would work.  Another problem is when our nearest and dearest don’t want to hear that we are struggling because it’s painful for them so brush us off with ‘it will be OK’ or ‘look on the bright side’ when we’re not ready to do that just yet. So pick the right person to talk to – if your family are good at listening that’s great, talk to them, but you might have a friend who is a better sounding board or know someone who’s been through something similar who might understand. Often, it’s not just one person we talk to, sometimes talking things through with different people provides different insights or helps in different ways. I have one friend with a black sense of humour who helps me – whatever we are going through, whenever we are together, we start to find humour even in the darkest of moments, which somehow helps us to keep our perspective.

Another option is to use a counsellor or helpline that specialises in dealing with what you are going through. It can be really hard to pick up the phone and speak to someone for the first time, (I know – I’ve done this – I managed to get two sentences out before bursting into tears) but this can be really helpful – the person you are speaking to knows how to listen and will help you put things into perspective and deal with your situation. And if one particular avenue isn’t helpful, don’t write everyone off, there may be another counsellor or approach that would work better for you.

Eventually you can make Lemonade…

Once I’ve made progress with dealing with my negative emotions, I then find I can dust of my gratitude journal and start focussing on the positive again. Or even if I don’t write it down, I can notice the positives. The small improvements in the situation that’s worrying me. How lucky I am to have friends and family that support me. Eventually, you can find meaning in any situation however bad – if you can get through it (and you will!),  you will be stronger and wiser, and more understanding of other people going through similar struggles. It might feel like a cliché to say ‘What doesn’t kill me makes me stronger’, but there is truth in the fact that when we face and work our way through difficulties, it’s often then that we grow the most.

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles  HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post How Positive Psychology Can Help us to Cope in Difficult Times appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Imagine yourself performing your favourite sport in the Tokyo Olympics – maybe a running event. You’ve worked hard, trained for it, you’re ready for the big day. On the day, it gets off to a good start, you race hard, and it goes better than expected. You cross the finish line behind the world number one, but you are just ahead of your other main rival – you come second place and get silver! As you stand there on the podium, across from your rival who got bronze – who do you think has the biggest smile?

Intuitively, you would expect silver medal winners to be happier than bronze medal winners, but a study by Medvec et al.(1995) looked at the emotional expressions of athletes at the summer 1992 Olympics, found that bronze medallists seemed happier than silver medallists, both immediately after the event and on the podium. How can that be?

The answer to the question is comparison. When we assess a situation, we compare what actually happened to ‘what might have been’. The silver medallists focussed on how they almost won the race – so coming second was good, but a disappointment compared to ‘what might have been’. However, the bronze medallists were just pleased that they got a medal at all – they compared themselves to the non-medallists who were nipping at their heels as they ran, so they were delighted to make it onto the podium.

When making comparisons, be careful which way you look

If bronze medallists can be happier than silver medallists by a downward comparison (what happened was better than might have been), can we apply this principle to make ourselves happier? The answer is yes. Happy people tend to see the positive side of the situation, and one way to do this is by consciously make comparisons to what might have been worse, or how things have improved over what has happened before, rather than focussing on what’s not going well. Several years ago, when one of my children was struggling with extreme anxiety about attending school, I had to try really hard not to compare our family to the ‘norm’ where children just trot into school as expected (and to start beating myself up for failing as a parent), but instead compare each tiny step forward to what happened the day before, or what might have been. Yes, my child was only managing half a day at school, but that was better than no days at all. Documenting each small step in a gratitude diary helped me cope.

Another more cheerful example from my life comes from a couple of years ago when I was regularly doing the park run (a non-competitive 5k run with others around the park each Sunday morning). I’m a really bad runner, and I generally counted my success as to how far from the back that I was, rather than how close to the front, but I could make my success even richer when I thought about others not there – I might be the slowest runner in the park, but at least I was a runner in the park, so I had won against everyone still lying in bed.

Beware unconscious comparisons

As well as consciously comparing to other situations, we need to keep an eye on the unconscious comparisons we make, which we can do by checking what inputs we let into our lives. There has been much concern about how social media affects people’s wellbeing and it’s easy to see why. If we spend too much time following glamorous people in exotic locations, we will start to feel like silver medal winners, missing out on the gold. One solution is to cut back on the social media, but another solution is to choose your inputs more carefully. Follow people who inspire you by their attempts to make the world a better place: on my Instagram I follow a friend’s daughter who inspires me with pictures of her yoga and vegan recipes; and Oxfam, whose posts regularly remind me of how lucky I am compared to women in other parts of the world.

As well as social media – look at who you socialise with and make sure you stay grounded. If you are constantly mixing with people with more disposable income than you, this again might make you feel like you are missing out on gold. Keep your feet on the ground by mixing with a variety of people from different backgrounds (try volunteering) – this also helps stop us living in a ‘bubble’ where we think everyone thinks like us, which can lead to a divisive society which is good for no-one.  One thing to watch for when comparing yourself to others less well-off is not to fall into the trap of thinking that we are somehow ‘better’ because we’ve made better choices. As the saying goes, do not judge someone until you have walked a mile in their shoes. We can never fully understand another’s experience, but the more we try to, the richer and more meaningful our own world becomes.

Is it always bad to compare ourselves to others who are more successful than us?

Although we may be happier by focussing on what we have achieved, rather than on what we haven’t, there is sometimes value in comparing ourselves to the gold medallists that we look up to. If we look up with a view to learning what we can do better and how to overcome obstacles, then this can be useful.  But again, choose carefully who you learn from – living a meaningful life will make us happier than chasing materialistic dreams. That’s not to say money is bad – earning good money to look after your family is deeply meaningful, but if you want to be happy, spend money on other people or experiences, not just acquiring more ‘things’.

Summing it up

If you want to be happier and more resilient, make sure you compare your circumstances favourably to “what might have been”. Use downward comparison to ground yourself and become appreciative of what you have now. But you can look upward and forward too – use a sprinkling of upward comparison to inspire yourself and learn from other’s achievements. When looking to the future, let yourself dream about gold from time to time, but when you look back on your life, be happy with bronze.

Reference:

Medvec, V. H., Madey, S. F., & Gilovich, T. (1995). When less is more: Counterfactual thinking and satisfaction among olympic medalists. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 69(4), 603–610. https://doi.org/10.1037/0022-3514.69.4.603

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post How Comparisons Affect our Happiness and Psychological Wellbeing appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

In the last couple of decades, research into happiness and wellbeing has shown that consciously choosing to participate in certain activities (sometimes called positive psychology interventions) can have a positive effect on our mood, increasing our happiness, optimism, and sense of wellbeing. One such simple intervention is keeping a ‘gratitude journal’ – the practice of writing down things that we feel grateful for, on a regular basis.

When considering activities that might increase wellbeing, different people might be drawn to different type of activities – there is no ‘one size fits all’ in positive psychology, however, gratitude journaling is a particular favourite of mine. It is something I have found to be simple and effective, and in my master’s research project on gratitude journaling, I found that most participants who volunteered to take part enjoyed the process and found it rewarding.

How do I go about gratitude journaling?

It’s easy – just find a notebook or sheet of paper and each day set aside a few minutes to think about what you are grateful for, then jot it down. I keep my journal by my bed and often write before I go to sleep, which has the added benefit that I end my day thinking about something positive. I normally aim for three things, some days I’ve had a great day and more things come to mind. What I’ve found, is that if you keep it up for a couple of weeks, you gradually become more attuned to the positive and it becomes easier to think of things to write.

What should I write about?

Whatever matters to you! I often write about things that I have done that I have enjoyed. For example, I’ve had a dog walk in the woods with a friend – I am grateful that we had time to walk and talk, that we live in a beautiful part of the country and that the sun was shining. Other days when things aren’t so good, I try to look for the silver linings. Maybe it was a bad day, but it could have been worse. Or maybe I am grateful for the things I often take for granted – a roof over my head, running water, food in the fridge.

Sometimes we feel gratitude to a particular person, but sometimes it’s a more general feeling. We can be grateful for the things we have, grateful to be alive, grateful to witness a beautiful sunset or the view from the top of a mountain. In my research project, many people commented that nature was something that inspired gratitude, and other research has shown that gratitude can be triggered by experiences of awe, such as a virtual spacewalk.

When thinking about what to write, the most important thing is that you choose what really matters to YOU, not what you think you ‘should’ feel grateful for. Maybe you have had a dreadful day, in which case trying smother negative feelings with false positivity really isn’t going to help. You can feel upset, or angry, or sad – it’s perfectly OK to feel negative emotions – that’s part of life and something we can’t escape from. But alongside those thoughts and feelings, we can look for the little glimmers of light that give us hope and comfort when times are bad.

Do I need to journal every day?

No – it might be best to mix it up a bit. Research has shown that it might be better to journal once a week, or more regularly for a short length of time as a way of helping you look at things differently – it may be if you keep at it for too long that it you become stale and it becomes a chore, which may be counterproductive. When I’ve journaled, I’ve generally kept it up for a few weeks and found that it improved my mood and helped me look at the world more positively. During that time, I would try to write every day, but wouldn’t worry if I missed some days. Now I don’t journal every day, but I often pick up my journal either when I’ve had a particularly good day and want to remember it, or if I’ve had a bad day and want to try and focus on something positive before I go to sleep.

Having said that you don’t need to journal daily, there are many people who do write daily and say that it helps them stay positive and keep things in perspective. From my own experience, I would say that the act of journaling for a few weeks makes you tune into that which is positive, and then you continue to notice things that you are grateful for even when you stop. When I feel I need another boost of positivity, I start journaling again.

What if I don’t like writing things down?

Writing things down is particularly good as it helps us to process things in a way that can be more productive than just thinking about them. For example, at school, remember that your teachers told you to write revision notes? That’s because writing things down helps your brain process things and remember them. But it’s also important you find a method that works for you – so if you would rather type into your phone, or just find a regular time each day to think about what you feel grateful for, that’s OK too. (A top tip here is to piggyback onto another habit, such as every time you brush your teeth at night.)

So what’s the point of all this? What’s so good about gratitude?

Firstly, when we feel genuinely grateful, it feels good. (And feeling good is good for us in many other ways.) If you think about how a friend been kind to you, it makes you feel loved and appreciated and strengthens that bond. Kindness from a stranger also feels great, strengthening our faith in humanity. However gratitude is triggered, if we feel grateful, we are more likely to be kind to others too.

Feeling grateful to a particular person is a common form of gratitude, but gratitude is much broader than that. If we draw our attention to the good things that we have, or that we experience, then we focus on the positive and this can stop us from dwelling on what we don’t have and put things into perspective. Gratitude also helps us savour the good things in life, which increases our appreciation and enjoyment of them, and gives rise to more positive feelings.

In my master’s research project, I asked people to keep a gratitude journal for a week and tested them before and afterwards for optimism and psychological wellbeing. There was a significant increase in the average scores of both measures after just one week of journaling.  I found it particularly interesting how much the optimism scores had increased – supporting the idea that practising gratitude can help you reprogram your mind into a more positive and optimistic outlook.

Another surprising finding was that the participants’ measure of autonomy had increased – this is a measurement of our confidence in our own opinions and our ability to be independent of social pressures and concerns about what other people think. It may be that by practising gratitude in this way we are focussing on our core values and what is important to us, making us more confident in our own values and less likely to be influenced by others. An increase in gratitude has been linked with a decrease in materialism, and this may be the mechanism by which this works – we are focussing on being appreciative for what matters to us, not what the latest advert says that we should want.

A final point – reread your journal from time to time.

The first time I started journaling, after several weeks I sat down and read everything I had written,  I found it quite enlightening. Firstly, it made me feel positive, revisiting all the good stuff I had experienced over the previous few weeks, but more than that, it helped me shine a light on what really made me happy. About 1/3 of my entries were along the lines of “Met (insert friend’s name) for a chat and a walk/cup of tea”.

It made me realise that my favourite bit of the day was often just that, meeting a friend and talking face to face for a while. I also realised that most of the things I most enjoyed didn’t cost anything – or if they did the cost was more about enabling some event (like catching a train to London to explore), rather than spending money on something directly (like buying clothes or some other material purchase).  I found that quite reassuring in the sense that it made me realise that the things that were important to me would always be there, even if money was tight.  So, after you have journaled for a few weeks, read back over what you’ve written and see what you can learn about what is important to you.

So what are you waiting for – give it a go!

If you haven’t tried a gratitude journal before, now you know what it’s all about!  Pick up a pen today and try it out. Experiment with what works for you and see what you can learn about yourself along the way. Hopefully, it will make your bright days seem brighter, and on gloomy days it will illuminate the silver linings in the clouds.

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post The Benefits of Gratitude Journaling appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.