As a coach and psychotherapist, I have had the privilege of working with folk from across the world in different cultures, who all collectively aspire to grow and develop.

There is one question that appears to emerge in almost every conversation, which either sits in my mind as I listen or is spoken. How do we get in our own way?

We inevitably do. In our developmental journey, we often don’t see the ‘wood for the trees’. And it seems to me, that this question is key to unlocking if and how we develop.

I realise to begin it’s important to own that we often don’t know we are doing it – it appears we may have an unconscious self-saboteur?  Someone who takes over almost without our knowing, and in doing so displaces or pushes away who we essentially are.

This poses the question of whether the key to getting out of our own way is one of remembering who we really are, beyond and behind the person that we commonly think we are.

How quickly we may mask ourselves and then forget the one who sits behind. Consider for yourself – who sits behind your mask?  And don’t be surprised if it’s the person that you long to be and become, who you most naturally are, the person you would like to know better.

The following short film explores the nature of development and how we play games with ourselves – which I have entitled ‘Hide and Seek’. 

What a remarkable conundrum we are.

Getting out of our way is key to development, yet we are often more preoccupied with the game of hide and seek.

We appear to hide what we seek

And seek what we may hide.

How wonderfully paradoxical our developmental journey is and so how do we learn to go beyond the games we play?

How do I win this game?

Or learn how to play better?

The answer offers another conundrum. There appears to be no way around, only through. What do we mean by this?

We are often unconscious of the mask we wear and the face we present outwardly. And what we are unconscious and blind to controls the way we see the world.

To go beyond such limitation and blindness, we must first recognise and own the mask we wear. Only through such recognition are we able to remember and reveal who resides behind the mask. That is once again, who you most naturally are. The person you long to be and become.

I am a man who values his own space, partly maybe because I was born a twin. However, I am continually humbled by the realisation of a truth of development – that we develop through vital others.

At key points in my life, sometimes almost magically, someone has presented who is to play a vital role in my own development. Consider with me, what are the qualities of these special others through which we grow?

These are the ones who gift themselves in service of our growth. What does this mean?

There are many we may meet whose goal is to direct and tell us what they think the way forward is for ourselves. Their rightness and unequivocal certainty, imposes the forward: “I think you should do this or that?”.  Though telling may be vital when in times of urgency or crisis, who do we overlook when we follow the dictates of others?

Your developmental journey cannot be told or be known by another and so we require ‘special others’ who in their willingness to ‘not know’- that is to not direct or tell – we can explore and discover the way forward for ourselves. Rather than being told the answer we can instead learn through their insightful questions. These are the ones – who are willing to lose their own way – to consciously ‘not know’ when they think they know – so that we may find our own way.

This is a remarkable gift of humanity, when another is willing to be lost, that you in turn may be found – that we can borrow the eyes of certain others in whom we trust sufficiently to see and come to know more about ourselves.

What greater gift is there in today’s world – what greater act of service – to offer our full presence to another – so that the other can experience what it is to be fully seen and heard – to be fully attended. To be able to be oneself, without condition.

I have recently completed a little module of videos exploring the remarkable nature of self as an instrument. This looks at the nature of how we relate through discovering a group of essential and remarkable inner instruments and how you can enable the growth of others as well as yourself. Here’s an introductory short film that discusses this important developmental work, if you wish to look and explore more.

For now – I am left today with the sobering realisation of the difference of one – how one person, who is willing to gift their presence and attention to another can make a world of difference to if and how we develop.