And now, look at your current life…

Is it flowing? It is full of ease and grace? For many of us, the answer will be ‘no’.

Many of us are pushing, forcing and trying really hard which can lead to frustration, resentment, exhaustion and more. But, it needn’t be this way. You can create more ease and flow in your life. I speak from experience and, I’d like to share some tips with you.

The first thing is to recognise if you are living through force, rather than flow.

Are you forcing life?

See if any of these are true for you:

• You feel a lot of stress and heaviness in life
• You often feel like you are ‘pushing against’ something
• You feel overwhelmed by external situations, people and things
• You feel controlled by external situations, people and things
• You feel powerless in your own life
• You are exhausted
• You are frequently trying really hard
• You become resentful and unhappy
• You may feel like a victim
• You may get angry when things aren’t going your way
• It takes a lot of effort to achieve what you want
• When you get what you want, you often lose it again

If you answered ‘yes’ to any of these, you are likely living in a state of force.

Know that you’re not doing anything ‘wrong’. You’re just doing what most humans do, which is, believing that you must push the physical world around until it takes the shape you prefer.

You believe that life is something that happens to you, and you’ve just got to do your best with it.

To have more flow in our lives we need to adopt a new premise which is:

Life happens through you

Not to you, but through you. Life happens through you. Sit with that for a minute, and see if you can really connect with the meaning of that statement.

Take nature for example. See how it blooms rather effortlessly. It’s not that nature has no challenges, but this planet has flourished successfully for billions of years. The trees continue to grow, the animals run around, new babies are born, the waters flow, the sun shines and the rain pours… this is life, and it’s happening with great ease and flow.

What is causing this to happen? Whilst I can’t know the answer for sure, I sense there is something there… I could call God, life force, consciousness or spirit… there is some kind of energy flowing through all that lives. And that includes you. For you too, a part of the natural world.

So, you too can harness this life force and experience the ease and flow that it brings to the birds and the seas, the animals and the trees. It’s there for you too.

Here’s how to tap into it and bring more ease and flow into your life:

1. Relax

I know this one is hard, especially if like me, you’ve lived a lifetime of ‘trying’. To live a life of flow, you don’t ‘try’, you don’t push. You let go. This doesn’t mean you do nothing, it’s not about being lazy. To learn more about this tip, you can read my other blog called ‘Relaxing Your Way To Success’

When we’re relaxing, we’re not resisting. We’re letting the river flow, rather than building dams in its path. We’re letting the cork float on the surface of the water, rather than holding it underneath. When we stop resisting and blocking, we release the natural flow of life that runs through every fibre of our being.

2. Follow your heart and soul

Most of us live through our heads. Through our beliefs, our conditioning, our fears. Any time you live from this place you will be limited and find yourself forcing things.

Flow comes from the heart, from your spirit, from your deepest life force. So, get out of your head and into your heart.

What do you love, what makes your soul sing, what feels true for you? What is your intuition guiding you towards? When you get in touch with this and follow it, things begin to flow because you are living in tune with your true nature instead of pushing against it.

3. Receive

The old myth of ‘it’s too good to be true’ can have us rejecting ease and flow. We turn down effortless manifestations and wonders in our life because we can’t receive them.

Can that person really be that amazing? Is that job really so great? Did I really win that prize? Can I really earn that much? Yes, yes and YES! Don’t shy away from these things – open your hands and receive. Stay present, aware and in innocence, not in judgement and cynicism. Life is not too good to be true, it’s both good and true!

The more you allow wonderful things to flow into your life and receive them with grace and gratitude, the more will come because you’ve opened the floodgates.

Flow goes both ways – from you, out into the world and, from the world back to you. To keep that energy moving, don’t ‘return to sender’ on your gifts!

4. Be patient

Life happens according to its own timing, not to my timing, your timing or, the timing that your parents, friends and society approve of.

When we want things to happen exactly when we want them to, we go into a state of force. This blocks our flow and actually pushes things away, making them take even longer to reach us!

Stop trying to control when things happen, just work diligently towards them and leave the rest to diving timing. Stay present and as per step 3, when it comes, receive.

Can you be in flow 100% of the time?

 As with all my teachings, I teach from my experience. And based on that, my answer is no.

There will always be times when we fall back into our old ways of force. Our fears, limitations and conditioned behaviours will always be there, and we will play them out.

So, it’s not about being 100% in flow, it’s about knowing when you are in force, and pivoting to flow. Recognise the force, pivot to flow, recognise the force, pivot to flow – rinse and repeat, over and over. That’s how it works for me.

After doing this for a while, the momentum does shift and you’ll spend more of your life in flow than in force. And that’s when magic really starts to happen. I’d love for you to experience this. But unfortunately, I can’t make it happen for you. You must choose. Choose to relax, to follow your heart and soul, to receive and be patient. Choose to let life happen through you, not to you. Choose to be in flow. And as always, let me know how it goes!

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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“How are you today?”

“I’m fine”

Except, you’re not fine.

“Let’s go for a drink tonight”

“OK”

But you don’t want to go for a drink tonight.

“Can you lead this new project?”

“Sure”

But you’re already overwhelmed and overloaded.

When we keep hiding how we feel, saying ‘yes’ instead of ‘no’, building whole careers and lifestyles around things that don’t really fulfil us, this causes a great deal of inner pain. In an attempt to avoid conflict outside of ourselves, we end up causing a war inside ourselves.

Dr Gabor Maté’s book ‘When The Body Says No’ is full of case studies of people who were never honest about how they really felt or what they really wanted in life. And sadly, this led to much mental and physical illness for them. The distress caused by not being honest, by holding things in, by living a façade really does take its toll. It creates dis-ease. One of the top regrets on the death bed is “I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me”.

We also need to understand that what you suppress will express itself in perverse ways. Suppressed sadness can turn into a deep depression, suppressed anger can turn into harmful rage, and suppressed words turn into physical violence – against oneself or others. None of this is going to lead to health or happiness for us or the people around us. “I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings” was also the third top regret on the deathbed.

If we want health and happiness, we must be more honest and express and live our truth.

It can be scary to be honest

What will people think of you? Will they reject or ridicule you? Will you feel ashamed, guilty or scared when you speak and live your truth? Well, in the spirit of practising what I preach – the honest answer is yes. These things may happen.

BUT, if you can just hold the line and have the courage to remain honest, a brighter, stronger, more whole, happy and healthy version of you awaits on the other side. You might notice that your whole life starts to open up.

So, here are six tips on being honest and living with more truth

1. Your intention must never be to harm another

If you want to use honesty as a way of hurting or ‘getting at’ someone else, please don’t! Maybe they hurt you and you want to hurt them back by speaking some ‘home truths’. Maybe they’re making your work life difficult and you want to tell them all the things they’re doing wrong. This won’t improve things for you or others because the underlying intention is polluted. It will just create more pain and dysfunction, push people away and you won’t truly feel better afterwards. You won’t have gained or changed.

Instead, be honest because you want to honour yourself. Be honest because you want to be at peace with yourself. You want to care for yourself. Honesty is about you nourishing yourself, not about you intentionally hurting others.

2. Be honest with yourself first

You must admit to yourself how you really feel, who you really are, what you’re really going through, how it’s affecting you, what you want, what would make you happy – and know that there’s nothing wrong with any of it. Accept yourself fully, there’s nothing wrong with you or your truth – the good, the bad and the ugly.

This self-acceptance can take time. Practise it each day, treat yourself like a child you love – with a heart-warming, unconditional, loving embrace.

3. Choose wisely who you’re honest with

Remember, not everyone needs to hear your truth. Not everyone can handle the truth! Be discerning, choose trusted others and those who may be implicated by your honesty and thus, need to hear it. E.g., you may speak up to a boss about your struggles at work, but you don’t need to tell all your colleagues about it. You may tell close friends about your dreams and what you really want in life, but you don’t need to tell that relative who always belittles you.

Your truth is sacred. Treat it as such.

4. Speak your truth even if your voice shakes

When you feel the need to express yourself and be honest, be courageous and speak the best you can. You may not feel good about it but feel the fear and do it anyway. The way out is through.

Know that the weight that lifts once you speak your truth will be replaced by a strength and resilience you didn’t know you had. And this will help you deal with whatever happens outside of you, after you speak your truth.

Also know this is a journey of growth and learning. It’s not about getting it ‘right’ or ‘perfect’. As you learn to become more honest with yourself and others, you will gain insights about yourself, about how best to communicate honestly and how others react. This will all help you on your journey towards more authenticity, health and happiness.

5. Remember that you can’t control other people

Let’s say you want a career path that your parents don’t approve of and you know that telling them the truth will likely be met with some level of disdain. Well, we must learn to let their opinions go. We must create healthy boundaries between our truth and other people’s opinions. We cannot control what others think, nor should we try to.

You wake up each day and experience your life, not them. It’s you who deals with the full consequences of your choices, not them. So, you must live your truth, for your own health, wellbeing and happiness.

6. Take it in small steps

If you hold your truth in for a long time, if for too long you’ve not been able to be honest, it may eventually erupt out of you in a damaging and unsavoury way. It’s much safer to start practising the skill of honesty now.

Just start by being a little more honest, just say one sentence to a trusted person, just kindly refuse one social outing, just spark one conversation about what’s really going on for you. As you feel the inner burden lift, you’ll feel stronger and more able to do it again when you take the next little baby step. Go easy on yourself, especially if you’ve lived a lifetime of hiding.

The truth shall set you free

Being who you truly are, following your inner wisdom, being honest, truthful and self-accepting is a truly heightened state to live in. I hope you’ll start practising it today.

To close, I’ll leave you with one of my favourite Rumi quotes that really depicts how I feel about being honest, truthful and authentic in life and it’s this:

“Take off your mask, your face is beautiful.”

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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This is a big life lesson that I’m learning right now. If you want something, if you dream of something, if you have a vision, a goal, if you have a challenge to get through, a dark period to traverse, you simply cannot give up.

I know it sounds so cliché. It always sounded that way to me, too. But, now I’m realising in practice just how important it is. As a life skill, a key element of resilience and a denominator of success, happiness and wellbeing.

When things get tough, you may have to drag yourself along with your last iota of strength to take just one… more… step. To get out of bed for just one… more… day. To work for just one… more… hour. This is the totally unglamorous and often painful side of success in many areas of life. You just have to keep going.

There’s also something about our ability to push ourselves further than our minds had previously decided we could go. It’s almost a ‘proving oneself wrong’, ‘surprising oneself’ and delighting in the discovery that you have more courage and resilience than you thought you did. It makes you realise how the mind and body can trick you into thinking that you’re done, when in fact, you still have a lot more in you.

If you want to cultivate perseverance, here are 3 of my top tips for you:

1. Focus on the step in front of you

Just the next step, that’s all.

Now, the size of that step depends on how down and out you feel. If you’re really struggling, if you’re gravely sick, in extreme depression, intense fear and worry, if your bank account is empty, if your life is falling apart inside and out – then the window through which you must look, will be very small.

It may literally be the next second, the next minute, the next breath. The next bite of food, the next foot forward. That’s all. The tiniest amount of time and/or action is what you want to focus on to move forward, to keep going, to not give up in times of deep struggle.

If you are not doing too terribly but are still struggling, you might be able to think and act a little more broadly. You may focus on the next week or month, the next step may be a whole new project rather than just one task. But whatever it is, make sure it is the next step, not the next 50. Laser focus is key here, put all your energy into that next step only.

And once that’s done, you go on to the next one. Perseverance and not giving up is not some grand, superhuman act, it’s simply a series of baby steps that you just keep taking.

2. Be willing to fail

And know that it will hurt, at first.

This is a key skill when it comes to perseverance. Some days you just don’t do that well, mentally, physically, emotionally, spiritually and externally. Some days, the puzzle pieces aren’t fitting. Sometimes, things just go wrong. Bad news comes, you tried something and it didn’t work or, you just can’t seem to find your mojo. You may shake your fist at the sky and say: ‘Why me?!’.

Well, I don’t know ‘why you’. But, if it makes you feel any better, it happens to me too! Understanding this really helps me to keep going during difficult times. I am learning not to take failures personally. If I take it personally, it hits deeper and harder. It becomes a heavier burden to carry which wards me off from trying again. And thus, makes me more likely to give up.

If we can see things objectively and realise that there are many people suffering similar things, we can depersonalise it. We can then conserve our energy and use it to move forward, rather than wasting it trying to process all this personalised pain.

I also find that the more I learn to handle failures, the easier they are to get through the next time round. I use my personal development tools to help me through and I take the lessons from each stumble. Then when the next similar failure comes along, I’m able to move through it much more swiftly because I have experience and practise. What used to hold me down for a week or month, now only lasts a day or two. What used to floor me, now just tickles me a bit. And so, it is much easier for me to keep on going.

3. Be willing to learn and grow

The reason many people give up too soon is that sadly, they’re not willing to learn and grow. When they fail, they think they did all they could, they did it correctly and that’s that. They do not need to change. It’s the world out there that has the problem. And maybe it’s just not meant to be so, they may as well give up.

The reality is that growth and change are critical to success. We can’t stay just as we are. We have to adapt and evolve, internally and externally, in all areas of life. We’ve got to be flexible, we’ve got to try new things, break out of old habits and patterns, experiment, get out of our comfort zones and so on – until we reach our goals. Not giving up doesn’t mean just doing the same thing over and over until it works.  It means doing different things, new things until it works. If you’re not willing to change and try those new things, you will inevitably give up far too soon.

I hope this has given you some ideas on how you can keep going, especially during times of struggle. I should close with one important note – sometimes we DO need to give up! We may be walking down the wrong path, doing the wrong thing or holding on to something that simply isn’t going to work. In those cases, we must be wise and know that it is time to give up. Don’t forget that. It’s really important. But also, don’t use it as an excuse to stop persevering with things that are right for you, but just happen to be very difficult! In those cases, I revert to my original message: don’t give, up!

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Just Keep Going, Don’t Give Up! appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Satisfying society is exhausting

Every day, you are dragged this way and that way. There is always another expectation to meet. How should you talk, what should you wear, what job should you do, what should you believe, how should you think, where should you go, who should you marry, how much money should you make, what car should you drive, what direction should you take? There are as many expectations as there are people, and if you keep looking out there trying to gather them all and meet them all, you will fall to pieces. It’s too much. And it’s not actually helping you have a happy, healthy or fulfilling life. It’s just exhausting and usually breeds resentment and regret.

Satisfying your soul is energising

On the other hand, if you look within and ask yourself: ‘What do I want?’ you will start to energise from within. You could even experience excitement at the prospect of living your life, the way you want to live it. Imagine not worrying about what other people on social media are doing, imagine having the confidence to stand up to your parents and say ‘no’, imagine being able to decline that social event that you don’t want to go to. Imagine putting your own soul first, on every occasion.

Of course, if this is the first time you’re satisfying your soul, the thought of doing these things may terrify you. You may be filled with fear, guilt and shame. The thought may arise: ‘Can I REALLY do this? Can I really put myself first? Can I go against the grain?’. The answer is yes. If you want to, you can. The only thing standing in your way is you.

A responsive ‘no’

It starts by discerning what is not for you. Someone advised me to be on Tik Tok for my business. And my soul said ‘nope, that’s not for me’. So, I didn’t do it. My parents wanted me to get an arranged marriage. And my soul said ‘no thanks’. So, I didn’t do it. Some people invite me to parties, and I don’t want to go, so I say ‘thanks, but no thanks’.

As I have matured, I realise that these aren’t agitated, reactive ‘no’s’. I don’t justify myself and explain why I’m not going in the direction advised by others. When you truly know your own soul, saying no to what is not for you, is calm, confident, responsive and straightforward. You don’t need to explain yourself. You don’t need to justify or appease. You just say no.

I have to say, I’m still working on this in many areas of my life! Pleasing others and meeting their expectations is a deeply ingrained pattern for me that is hard to break. But I’m getting better at it every day.

The only reason your ‘no’ may be agitated or nervous is because you haven’t practised it much. It’s new, and it’s scary. Sometimes you’ve spent so long saying ‘yes’ to things that do not align with your soul, that the final ‘no’ bursts out of you like a volcano that’s been waiting to erupt. This is OK. I’ve been there too. Don’t judge yourself. It’s a process. Start saying no to the small things that don’t align with your soul, and soon you will build confidence.

A heart-filled yes

And now, we must also start saying yes to that which does please our soul. And even this may feel scary. Can you really go travelling? Can you really wear that dress or get that haircut? Can you really date that person? Or spend that money, or take that job? Again, if you’ve not practised following your soul, there will be nerves and uncertainty. It’s new, that’s all. But as soon as you start saying ‘yes’ to your soul, it will get easier and easier. Your inner knowing, wisdom, guidance and intuition will grow stronger. Your confidence and wholeness in yourself will become more and more stable. But like any skill in life, you must practise it. So, start saying yes today to the whispers of your soul.

You’re not a bad person for following your own soul

When you follow your soul and do something other than what friends, family, colleagues, social media, wider society, cultural practices etc. are doing, they are not always going to take it well! They might make it difficult for you. They may not respond kindly. That’s partly because there is an innate, animalistic desire in us to remain as part of a group, to follow the crowd. This is a matter of survival. The zebra that strays from the herd is the one who’s most at risk of being eaten.

But you’re not a zebra. You’re a powerful human being with advanced consciousness. Does that mean you will never fall or be harmed if you stray from the herd? No. Sorry, but safety cannot be guaranteed. But the chances are, you will make it through because when you follow your soul, you unlock levels of innate resilience, courage, wisdom and ingenuity that you didn’t know you had.

When you start to satisfy your soul instead of satisfying society, people may judge. They may question, ridicule, and gossip. That’s because they don’t understand. They don’t know what it feels like to be you. Only you know that. They cannot feel what your heart feels, what your mind sees and what your intuition informs you of. Only you know those things. So, how can they really judge what they cannot see, know or experience? They are only judging from their own limited perceptions. They do not know the truth. The truth is what you see and feel inside you. And that’s all that really matters.

Are you willing to walk alone?

As you walk the path of your soul and stray from the path of society, you may find you’re the only one on that road. But trust me, others are there too. And they will find you. I have gathered an amazing soul tribe throughout my life and it continues to evolve and grow. But for that to happen, you may have to wander alone for a while. There is never a crowd on the leading edge. Some people find this terrifying – partly for the reasons already stated above. But remember, you are not a herd animal being chased by predators, you are an advanced being going on a journey of conscious evolution. For those times when you wander alone, you can learn to enjoy it – I know I do! And when people do enter your life, you will pick those who align with you, you will choose quality over quantity, and you will build your soul tribe.

You’re never alone anyway

When you walk the path of your soul, it looks like you’re alone in terms of the physical world because you’re standing out, walking a different path from mainstream society and you’re not hanging out with the crowd. But inside, you don’t feel alone at all. When you connect to who you truly are, there is no such thing as loneliness. In fact, it becomes the opposite. You get to experience what it feels like to be connected to the whole, to that which I call ‘God’ and ‘oneness’. From here, you feel so complete. You can enjoy other people, interactions and experiences, but you don’t need them. You don’t feel trapped by them. You don’t feel lonely without them. You aren’t concerned with what they expect of you because you are so grounded in your own truth. Don’t take my word for it – walk the path and see what happens.

Many people will read this and say ‘what on EARTH is she talking about?!’!! All this ‘woo woo’, soul, truth, oneness, blah, blah, blah… and that’s fine. This message is not for everyone. If these words are for you, you’ll feel it in your soul. If you know there’s something inside you that wants to be birthed and expressed, if you know that fitting into society is not making you happy, then I wish you the courage to walk off the beaten track. “Normality is a paved road: It’s comfortable to walk, but no flowers grow on it.” Vincent van Gogh.

Go get your flowers!

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Why do we live this way? Why do we hold ourselves back?

1. We’re worried about other people’s opinions

Parents, friends, neighbours, colleagues, randoms on social media – what will they think about us?  Whether you want to know if they approve of your outfit or your career, you keep looking outside of you for permission to do, be and have what you want.

I understand that. I do it too. This need for approval, belonging and acceptance is deeply baked into us all. It’s part of our survival instinct. But it also holds us back from our fullest, most brilliant and authentic life because we choose what others want, instead of what we want. Even though it’s us who must live with the consequences.

2. We don’t like uncertainty

Another reason we hold ourselves back is because we don’t like the unknown. We want to get all the answers before we take a leap. So, we over analyse, over plan, predict and prepare. We wait for every duck to be in a row before we act.

This is futile because no one can predict or control the future, we cannot prepare for every eventuality and in most cases, you must take steps without all the information. All this overthinking and over analysis simply puts us off, wastes our time and holds us back.

3. We fear failure

The shame associated with failure, the embarrassment and the anxiety is stifling and holds us back from so many things. “What if I mess it up? What if I get it wrong? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I must go back to the drawing board? What will other people think of me then (see point 1)?”.

There are so many steps we don’t take and moves we don’t make because we’re just too scared to fail. We take failure personally. We think it means something about us – usually something bad. And so, we’d rather stay away from that. We’d rather hold back and not try, than try and fail in the process – even if that process does lead to eventual success. We cut off our nose to spite our face when it comes to the fear of failure.

4. We lack self-belief

I can’t. I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough. I’m an imposter. I’m not smart enough, confident enough, rich, pretty or tall enough – the list goes on. All this ‘not enoughness’ holds us back from so many things.

The problem is not so much the thoughts but that we let these thoughts stop us. Some people act in spite of their insecurities and as a result they are still successful, they still live fully. But many of us let our insecurities dictate our behaviour, they become the reason we never move forward, they become the excuses we make to justify holding back.

5. We lack vision and direction

Where are you going? This way? That way? Many ways?! Are you darting around lost and confused and forever changing your mind? Now, not all who wander are lost but for many of us, not having a clear vision and direction only serves to make us more confused, more insecure, more trepid and hesitant. And that only makes us hold back even more.

Without a clear vision, we stutter our way through life never making any real progress, except in a few fits and starts. Without clear vision, we hold ourselves back.

It’s time to move forward

Simply being aware that you’ve got these shackles is enough to loosen them. But you can also be more active in taking those shackles off. Here are some ways that you can actively stop holding yourself back in life:

• Choose yourself and follow your own intuition. Rather than seeking everyone’s opinion and approval, try to not worry about what everyone thinks – you’ll never please everybody anyway. Just go for your truth.

• Get comfortable with the unknown. Surrender to it, practise moving forward amidst unpredictability, try it with small things, just take the next step. You don’t need to see the whole path ahead or gather every bit of information. Let things unfold.

• Reframe your relationship with failure. See it as an inevitable step on the path to success and an opportunity to gather data, to grow and learn. Also, don’t take it personally. It happens to everyone.

• Act in spite of your insecurities. You can’t get rid of these doubtful thoughts – even the most successful people still have them. But they don’t have to hold you back. It’s not the thought that matters, it’s the action that drives the result. Just do it.

• Find your north star. Know where you’re headed, create a vision. Instead of living a directionless life, choose what you want and commit, be dedicated and focussed and keep shooting for what you want. Soon, you will hit the target.

And after all that, just consider: why not go all in on life? None of us are getting out of here alive anyway! So, I’m all in. Are you?

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Do you hold yourself back in life? appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Our daily lives are not for relaxing. Relaxing can’t be a core part of how we live, it can’t be part of our daily experience. Or can it? Can relaxation be a way of life? I think that not only can relaxation be a way of life, but it can be a very effective way of life.

You see, relaxing doesn’t mean being lazy, it doesn’t mean being inactive – maybe that’s why we see it as a ‘one-off thing to do’ because we associate it with stopping and doing nothing. But relaxing isn’t just about stopping and resting, it isn’t just a beach holiday or a sofa Sunday – in fact, plenty of people could be in those situations and still not be relaxed! Because relaxation is in fact, a state of mind. Relaxing is about how you are on the inside. It’s less about what you are doing and more about who you are being. It’s how you carry yourself and navigate each day.

The benefits of relaxing

When we think about relaxation as a way of being, a way of navigating life, the origins of the word are helpful. To relax is to ‘loosen’ and ‘soften’. So, can you be softer, can you be looser, mentally, emotionally, and physically? Can you embody this, no matter what is going on around you?

When we carry ourselves with softness and looseness, we are more flexible, adaptable, and resilient. We can bend ourselves around challenges and changes, we can melt into our experiences rather than bashing up against them – which is what happens when we’re stressed, rigid, and constricted.

When we are relaxed, we still get challenges and experience tensions, but we are more adept at handling them. Everyone gravitates to the calmest person in a crisis because we know deep down that this is the person who’s going to get us out of it, not the person who’s in a flap!

I often get my best creative ideas when I’m in a relaxed state, when I’m falling asleep or in the shower. Being relaxed enables our full brain to function, whereas being stressed shuts down the advanced parts of our brain. That’s why people with chronic stress, anxiety or depression experience memory loss and brain fog. Being stressed also wreaks havoc with our physical health, it increases our blood pressure, raises our heart rate, and shuts down our immune and digestive systems. All manner of illnesses results from this.

Relaxation returns our brain and body to a healthy state. We get much better results when we’re fully functioning, healthy, and calm. We also enjoy life a lot more.

Here are some ways you can bring more relaxation into your life.

Slow down

What’s the rush? Is life a race? Who are you racing? What’s the finish line? When you get there, then what?

If you ponder these questions, you may realise the futility of rushing your way through life. If we’re not rushing in the physical world, it’s our minds that are racing. Constantly trying to get ‘somewhere’. But we never really get there – otherwise when we get there, we’d relax. But we never relax so obviously, we never get there! What a paradox.

Just.

Slow.

Down.

Learn to take your time. Pull back from the illusory race. Be slow. Be soft.

Be the little tortoise gently crawling along in its own time, be the floating bubble that softly wafts through the air. Imagine something that signifies slowness and softness to you and embody the energy of that thing. Try it now, sit with that energy. What do you experience? Hopefully, a much more relaxed state. Can you carry this with you in your daily life?

Take it step by step

When we’re rushing through life we trip over our own feet. Trying to run before we can walk, trying to know every single step on the long path ahead, trying to control it, to predict it.

To be more relaxed, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all. There is no other way through life, to be honest. If you were to walk down the street, how would you get there other than by taking one step at a time? Sure, we might take a few leaps and jumps here and there, some steps may be bigger than others – but still, you just take one step at a time.

Focus on the step that is in front of you and take it. Don’t think about the one after it, or the one after that. Just be present, here, and now. What is the obvious next action? Just one phone call, just one healthy lunch, just one conversation, or maybe nothing at all. Just do this next step and only after that, look at the next one. Try this out and see what happens.

Don’t be so serious

The biggest nail in the coffin of relaxation is being so serious!

Is everything really that serious, that important? Really? Seriousness equals stress. OK sure, there are some things that are serious but for the most part, for most people, what we face in our daily lives is not that serious. Is someone going to die if we don’t send that admin email on time? If someone doesn’t like the meal I cooked, is the world over? Will my entire business fail if one client rejects my offer? No. So, perhaps it’s not that serious after all.

Stand back and see the bigger picture. Don’t make mountains out of molehills. We’re on a rock, in space, spinning at over 500km per second, circling a huge ball of fire. With that in mind, what could really be that serious? Maintain perspective and loosen up!

Don’t forget to laugh

Laughter is good for the mind, body, and soul. It loosens and softens every aspect of our being. It diffuses so much unnecessary and unhelpful psychological and emotional stress. When was the last time you had a really good laugh? I’ll be honest, I don’t do it often – because I take life too seriously! I know I’m the one giving you tips but they say we teach others what we most need to learn, and I am absolutely doing that right now! This is my journey.

So, find something that makes you giggle. Maybe you can even have a chuckle at yourself.

I have been relaxing more recently and simple things like slowing down and taking one step at a time have been the most pivotal. I catch myself when I’m running ahead in my mind or actions, and I stop. The more I do this, the easier it becomes, and I hope it will soon become habitual. Because, when I’m relaxed I feel better, I perform better and I’m more creative. I’m happier, healthier, better to be around and I spread better energy to those around me too. It’s a win-win.

I hope you try out some of these tips, and do share with me in the comments what helps you to loosen up in life?

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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How does it make you feel?

Does the difficult stuff make you fearful, anxious and angry to observe? Does it make you want to leap in and fix things or run away and hide? What about the peaceful natural scenes, do they bring you joy and pleasantness, do you want to immerse yourself in them?

Is there also a point at which you can observe all of it and just… see it, impartially? Can you see it without wanting to be in it, without getting dragged into it or being emotionally riled by it? Just see it as ‘information’? Can you stop judging it as good, bad, right or wrong? It just is?

Try this. Practise it. Stand in calm, stillness and just observe. Don’t judge, don’t try to fix, don’t fight or feel, don’t run towards or run away. Just stop and watch.

This is the art of observation

To see life for what it is, pure and simple. No judgement, no projections, no engagement or emotional entanglement, it just is what it is.

This isn’t a state of being that you stay in continuously, ceasing to feel or engage in life at all. That’s probably impossible anyway. And it’s not a state of being that I think is easy to attain. But it is possible and it is a worthwhile practise. It can bring a lot of peace and clarity to your life.

Most of us observe through our emotions

Humans are emotional, that’s just a fact. But, when you are in a highly emotional state, whether ‘good’ or ‘bad’, you are observing through your emotions and they cloud your view.

Have you ever felt worried that someone was doing something wrong – maybe you were convinced they were cheating on you. In this pain and fear, you started making stories and meanings about how they don’t love you, how you’re not good enough, how you must get revenge. And then later, you found out they weren’t cheating at all.

Or, have you failed at one thing and felt so low that it made you perceive your whole life as a failure? Every way you looked you could only see yourself in a negative light, how you look, your lifestyle, your personality – it all starts to look like a wreck. You may have achieved a million great things, but you just couldn’t see it in that moment of pain.

This is how emotions skew our view. When we see through our emotions we are not living in reality. We’re in our heads, observing what we believe is reality, but is in fact, an illusion.

What about positive emotions? They must be good, right? Think again.

When in a state of elation and high pleasure, you also miss reality! This time, reality is obscured by your rose-tinted glasses which filter out the ugly bits.

You know that honeymoon phase of a relationship where we only see the good stuff in the other person? That’s us getting high on our own emotions and missing the downsides which we then get surprised and sad about when they creep in later! But they didn’t creep in, they were there, we just missed them because we were seeing through the veil of highly positive emotion.

Seeing from an elevated emotion might seem preferable because it feels better, but you’re still not seeing objective reality. And that’s what the art of observation is about. Objectivity. Seeing reality, exactly as it is.

See what you see, and then let it be

Objective reality is usually a simple and straightforward truth. In objective reality, you can see what you can see, right here and now, and that’s all.

Your partner is out late every night – that’s objective reality.

Your project failed – objective reality.

You ran out of money – objective reality.

You don’t have all the answers – that’s also an objective reality.

It’s raining – that’s an objective reality.

You need not go further and make up stories about these objective realities, about what they mean about you, your life, other people or the world – which is what emotional entanglement makes you do.

When observing objective reality, you see what is. And then you can decide what to do with it. Seeing the world in this way really simplifies life. You may decide to talk to your partner, restart that project, take a new job, admit you don’t know something or, put your umbrella up in the rain. It’s quite simple. Most things in life do not have to be any more complex than this. It’s only your emotions, stories, illusions and delusions that make things overly complex and painful.

The art of observation helps us to be more calm, functional and effective in life

I am by no means a Buddhist monk or enlightened being – I fail at the art of observation every day! But, I keep practising. It helps me stay grounded and take useful actions based in the real world, rather than the illusory world in my head. I’m also learning to stop taking things personally because I don’t create meanings and stories about everything that happens to me. It just is. It’s just life.

The art of observation clears out a lot of noise, internally and externally. It creates a lot of space and frees up your energy. That space and energy can then be used in much more productive ways. I am making it one of my intentions for 2022 to practise the art of observation. I hope you will too.

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Eat, sleep, repeat. You are what you are. You don’t even slightly resemble a butterfly. You are wonderful and unique in your own right, you are life, but you’re only ever going to crawl around on the ground.

The human as a caterpillar is the human that is yet to awaken and evolve. There’s nothing wrong with this stage, it is essential. But it’s only the start. The caterpillar stage can be encompassed in Carl Jung’s statement that we spend the first half of our lives developing a healthy ego.

What is ego?

It’s your identity. It’s who you think you are based on your childhood experiences. Your personality, the way you think the world works, how you relate to others, your belief systems. It’s limited, it’s structured, it’s fixed, it’s repetitive. You may grow a little within the bounds of your ego, but you do not drastically change or transform. You just become a bigger caterpillar.

Here’s an example of my caterpillar stage:

– I am what I achieve

– I must work hard and prove myself

– I fear rejection and abandonment

– My success is based on material gain

– I must get approval and validation from others

– I must please others and meet their expectations

– I am limited, life is limited, life is a struggle

– I must hide emotions like anger or sadness and tears

This is a tiny snippet of my caterpillar world. Whilst I spent years building my self-awareness and reflecting, you can learn so much about yourself just by asking a few introspective questions, observing your behaviour and looking at your own life. Once you get a feel for your caterpillar, don’t resist or judge it. Just become aware. It’s all OK.

The cocoon

When the caterpillar goes into a cocoon, it turns into complete goo. Everything it was, dissolves.

In human terms, this is the dissolving of the ego, the identity, the beliefs as I shared above.

Some people call this a mid-life crisis (although it can happen at any time). You start to question your purpose in life, you may physically and mentally retreat for a while, you realise that how you’ve been doing things is not making you happy anymore. Your buried wounds and traumas are coming closer to the surface and the material world doesn’t satiate you as much as it once did. You want more. You need more. You may not know what ‘more’ is, but you yearn for it and you begin to seek.

If you embrace this period and do the inner work, you will start to break down the fragile egoic identity. You’ll start to question your own beliefs. You’ll stop doing what you used to do, you’ll question your deeper motivations, you may get coaching/ therapy as you try to navigate the ‘goo’. It can be really uncomfortable, a sort of ‘no man’s land’ where you’re not what you were but, you’ve not yet become what you’ll be.

For me, this stage includes:

– questioning my ‘people pleasing’ personality and seeing that it’s dysfunctional and harming me

– realising how I sabotage myself by feeling unworthy, insecure and allowing fear to rule me

– realising that no one out there can validate me, I must validate myself

– understanding my childhood traumas and how they’ve shaped my world

– seeing how my childhood belief systems are just ‘stories’ I’m repeating, not the ultimate truth

– looking for the real me – who am I? What is in my heart, my soul? What is my truth?

I hope this gives you a flavour of what it looks like to begin disintegrating what you thought you were. It can be like waking up from the Matrix! If you’ve seen that movie, they really depicted well how uncomfortable the process of waking up from the illusion can be. But, it can also be amazing, freeing, exciting and full of possibility!

The butterfly

Now for the reshaping.

From the goo, from the dissolved ego, you start to rebuild into who you were always destined to be. Not who the world told you to be, but who you truly are – a beautiful butterfly with wings to fly! The old beliefs of lack, limitation, people-pleasing etc. no longer apply. You start to realise what’s important to you, how you want to live, what you want to do. You see that if you want to fly you must give up the things that were weighing you down. You cannot be a caterpillar and a butterfly at the same time. You realise that you have a choice.

In this stage, you learn the truth of your own soul and you let this part of you lead. As you follow this truth, you start to grow wings and soon take flight. You may be nervous – that’s because it’s new, you’re learning, you’re being reborn, you’ve never flown before! It can be very vulnerable.

Sometimes the caterpillar and cocoon call you back to ‘safety’, where safety is the familiarity of the caterpillar or the protection of the cocoon. But your wings are also taking shape and there is an urge to fly. This is the daily battle that has been analogised in many ways – a battle between heart and head, ego and soul, lower self and higher self, devil and angel. Each time you feel this inner war, you are challenged to choose the higher.

My butterfly stage includes the following realisations:

– I am a spiritual being having a human experience

– My soul has innate gifts and a purpose to express here on Earth

– I know what I love to do, how I want to live and I must do it

– The only limits are in my own mind

– I do not have to set myself on fire to keep other people warm

– I can be unapologetically me, I am whole, there is nothing wrong with me, I’m not broken

– My soul is the master and my ego is the slave

Your butterfly journey will be unique to you – as will your caterpillar and cocoon. There are patterns and similarities across us all but your transformation is a personal experience.

The pitfalls

Sometimes we can stunt our own process of growth, here’s how:-

1. Staying as a caterpillar or in the gooey cocoon

You’ve got to keep moving, shedding and evolving. Once a wing begins to sprout you cannot change it back, once you’ve tasted flight, it’s painful to stay on the ground. But you can fall back.

What’s it going to feel like when you stop people-pleasing and start putting your needs first? Uncomfortable. When you end a relationship or job that wasn’t serving your highest good? Uncomfortable. Petrifying even! That’s called ego death or abandonment depression – and it hurts. The ‘old you’ is being put down and it won’t go quietly. So, you’ve got to get comfortable with being uncomfortable. Keep moving, keep growing into your new self, do not retreat.

2. Trying to get rid of ego

I know I just used the words ‘ego death’ but don’t take that too literally. A misconception in modern self-help and spirituality is that we must get rid of the ego. This is both impossible and undesirable; your ego is your mind and body – if you get rid of it, you’d be dead! You need it.

But, notice what actually happens in the cocoon – the caterpillar (ego) is disintegrated and reintegrated into the butterfly. It does not disappear and get thrown out. It is broken down and reformed. It is the raw material. Here are some examples of how your dysfunctional caterpillar ego is reintegrated in a functional, healthy butterfly:

The caterpillar says: I must put other people’s needs first.

The butterfly says: I love to support others once I fill my own cup.

The caterpillar is a high achiever collecting trinkets, trophies and accolades to feel worthy.

The butterfly is a high achiever working towards fulfilling its soul’s purpose.

3. Thinking this process only happens once

I don’t experience this as a one-time thing and I don’t think anyone does. The caterpillar to butterfly process happens multiple times. Sometimes I have big shifts in a short period, other times I have lots of little sheddings and rebirths. There are no rules. There is just continual growth and evolution. Piece by piece you disintegrate and reform different parts of you, like pieces in a jigsaw.

The two halves of life

As mentioned earlier, Carl Jung said the first half of life is devoted to developing a healthy ego. He also said, the second half of life is going inward and letting go of it. That is the transformation from caterpillar to butterfly. That is the process of human evolution, it’s the journey we are all on and if you embrace it willingly you will transform into a beautiful butterfly. Just like the caterpillar, it is your innate destiny to do so.

“Your time as a caterpillar is over. Your wings are ready.” – Unknown

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Well, I can’t guarantee that I have THE answers to these complex, existential questions. But, I can share with you what I have learned, what feels true in my heart and I hope it will help you in living your true nature and purpose and experiencing more meaning, joy and fulfilment in your life.

What is your true nature?

A brain, a body? A mortal animal? Just another species on the planet? Yes, you are all of these. But you are also so much more.

When we take a microscope and look at your cells we see atoms. When we look at those atoms more closely, we see sub-atomic particles and 99.999% empty space. When we look closer yet, physicists discover that those particles are also behaving as waves of energy. You are made of waves of energy. The physical world is at its root, not physical at all.

Not only are you a non-physical being made of waves of energy, you are also an interpreter of energy. For example, when you see with your eyes you are interpreting light waves and when you hear with your ears you are interpreting sound waves. Even touch is the energetic friction felt between the atoms of your body and the thing you are ‘touching’.

You also emit waves of energy. Your body generates electrical energy and it gives off heat energy. Your thoughts and feelings also have electromagnetic frequencies that can be measured. They radiate out from your body. This is why you can pick up on other people’s thoughts and emotions if you are particularly sensitive, empathic and intuitive – the ‘6th sense’ as it’s often called.

You are like an antenna giving off energy waves, receiving energy waves and making sense of them in between with your fantastic mind. Also, you cannot separate energy. The energy that makes up ‘you’ is continuous with the energy of the chair you’re sitting on and the person next to you. Everything is merged into one big field of energy.

So, what is this ‘energy’? exactly?

My current understanding is that it’s pure consciousness, what I call ‘God’, infinite intelligence, the source of all creation, a quantum soup of potential and possibility.
“If you want to understand the nature of the universe, think in terms of energy, frequency, vibration” Nikola Tesla

OK, so you’re an energy being, swimming around in more energy… what on earth is the point of that?! God only knows. Literally. But we can enquire into this important question…

What is your purpose?

I can’t say anything for sure but, I doubt your purpose is to work 9-5 for 40+ years, pay bills and save money until you can retire and then enjoy the last few years of life before you die. That feels a bit off to me. I think we’re here for much more than that.

The bible says “God created man in his own image”. I don’t take this to mean a physical image. I don’t think ‘God’ has a physical body – see above. God is that pure energy, that infinite intelligence, the omnipresent creator. I think this is the ‘image’ in which you have been made. You too are pure energy, infinite intelligence, an omnipresent creator. Just as the ocean is contained in a single drop, the creative consciousness that is ‘God’, is contained within you.

And so, what’s your purpose? To create!

Create what? Whatever you heart desires!

Each person, each soul, is supremely unique and gifted. Everyone has something special to express here in this world. When I say ‘special’, I don’t mean it has to be grandiose and world changing. I just mean it must be ‘you’. It must be authentic.

What do you love to do? What comes naturally to you? What lights you up, excites you, what do you enjoy? What do you love to do just for the sake of doing it? Not as a means to an end, not as a two way bargain where you expect some kind of return, but purely because you want to do it. That’s your purpose. It’s that simple.
Your purpose may take different shapes and forms throughout life, you may have multiple purposes, multiple gifts and talents. Maybe you’re a great cook and also a great mathematician. Cool! Maybe you like gardening and have naturally green fingers and you also love to fix cars. Excellent! There are no rights and wrongs when it comes to purpose, it’s just whatever is true for you.

And quite simply, I believe you are here to do whatever is true for you. You are here to be it. To express it. To create it. Just like an acorn grows into an oak tree, a seed grows into a rose, a caterpillar turns into a butterfly – your soul is here to grow into whatever it was always meant to be -it already has its innate purpose baked into it. You’ve just got to be it.

Sounds easy, huh? Maybe it is, maybe it isn’t. I struggle with it sometimes because life is not unidirectional or one dimensional. We all have challenges, pains and suffering along the way. Is that also part of our true nature and purpose, to suffer?

Why do we suffer?

My sense is that we suffer when we’re off track because:

1. We’re not living our true nature. We have become attached to our logical brain, our animalistic, instinctive tendencies and emotions, our ego, our identity and persona, our mortal body, our beliefs about our human selves and the material world. We forgot that we are an infinite, spiritual, energy being with the power to create worlds running through us.

2. We not living our true purpose. We’ve started following someone else’s guidance. We do what other people think we should do, what they think is right, we negate our own truth and ignore our own soul. We’re an acorn trying to grow into a plum tree, a caterpillar trying to turn into a tiger. It doesn’t work. And so, we suffer.

Perhaps worries and strife are simply warning lights from the universe. Street signs saying ‘no entry’ and ‘turn left here’. All the way, we are being guided by the pains and the pitfalls to get back onto the right track, the highest track, the track of our true nature and purpose.

I hope this has given you something to think about. Perhaps you will explore your own spiritual nature and get in touch with what makes you light up inside, what gives you a sense of purpose. And most importantly, I hope you can then express all of that into this world. Each of us is a piece of the jigsaw. Don’t leave your spot empty. We need it to complete the picture.

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The boulders

So why then, does love often seem so hard, so painful, so difficult? Because of your boulders. Your conditions. The boulders of ‘I can’t love you unless you give me something in return’. These boulders cause big splashes and dangerous waves in the river of love. They make the path of love longer and more treacherous than it needs to be because it must go around these obstacles, these conditions.

True love is unconditional and painless. When you make it conditional you will feel ‘bad’, sad and blocked. You’ll feel lack, struggle and pain. Love feels hard now. But it’s not the love that’s hard. It’s the boulder you’ve placed in love’s way, the condition you’ve put on the love – that’s what causes the pain. That’s what makes it hard.

How many conditions and boulders do you have in any given relationship?

“You must do this”

“You must say that”

“Give me this”

“Be like that”

“Achieve this”

“Look like that”

“…and now I can love you.”

All these boulders lie between you and the one you are trying to love, whether a child, a friend, a spouse or a stranger. Yes, you can love a stranger. If you really understand this love I speak of you will realise that you can love a stranger. If anything, it’s almost easier to love a stranger than someone you know because you carry no history, attachment or expectation of a stranger – and hence there are no boulders in the way. You don’t want or need anything from a stranger so love can flow free more than ever. To experience love for a stranger is beautiful. This is true oneness. True ascension of consciousness. That bliss that enlightened people talk about? I think this is it.

Stop ‘trying’ to love

There is no ‘try’ in love. It’s energy of a high frequency. It’s already here. You just need to get out of its way. Stop needing, wanting, expecting and controlling, stop loving because you want from people and start loving because you want for people. What do you want for people?

Their happiness.

Their peace.

Their greatness.

Their heart.

Their wellbeing.

Their success.

Their health.

Their joy.

Their flourishing.

If you struggle to connect with this notion of loving ‘for’ someone, I hope there has been some time in your life where you have experienced this – perhaps when your baby was born or, with a pet or other animals. You wanted nothing in return from them, you simply love them. You see, true love isn’t even about you. It’s not about you, it is you. It’s not what you do, it’s who you are. It’s your essence.

What if they don’t want your love?

It doesn’t matter. Love is energy, you can give it anyway. Nothing ill can come from giving pure love or should I say ‘being’ pure love. It only gets messy when you put conditions in the way, when you want something in return and the other person hasn’t engaged in this bargain with you. Now you feel pain and they feel uncomfortable or unhappy. Not because of the love but, because of your conditions. You were doing a transaction not giving love. Love is not a transaction.

I hope by now you’ve cottoned on that the kind of love I’m talking about is not romantic love, it’s not needy love, attachment love, physical love, co-dependent love, controlling love – no, these are merely psychological experiences. They are manipulations. They do not come from the true heart, the seat of the soul. True love is a pure, non-discriminatory, magnetic, high frequency energy. It is the force of all creation. It is powerful. It has nothing to do with ‘relationships’. It sees beyond the ‘human’ and sees directly to the soul.

You choose love

You can choose to go out there with your full, beautiful heart and overflow with love. Pour it on everyone you meet with a smile, a hug, a kind word, a gentle knowing, a little time and mostly, with your state of being, your energy and your presence. You can choose to see people’s greatness, their soul, their heart, their truth, gifts and talents rather than focussing on what you need from them or what you think they are lacking. Choosing love is not hard. What’s hard is removing the conditions you’ve placed on it.

Challenge yourself to do this in every relationship.

List all the boulders and conditions you have put up in each relationship and be honest about it. Do you need your children to get good grades to love them? Then, that’s not true love. Do you need your spouse to tell you you’re beautiful every day otherwise you will start to hate them? Then, that’s not true love.

Ask yourself– why do you need them to be a certain way to feel better, to feel love?

How sustainable is this idea that a person must meet all your needs – which probably change over time – in order to be loved by you? How many shapes must they contort themselves into? And how many tick boxes are you going to make for them? Is this love, or a job interview? Is this love, or an MOT?

Is there a step by step process to inviting in more love?

I wish I could give you step by step instructions on how to experience true love and invite its abundant flow into your life. I am still working on it every day, learning more about it, challenging myself to do it whenever I see myself putting boulders in its way. This is a journey of spiritual growth and expansion of consciousness. An experience of oneness with all that lives. I have no step by step because this isn’t an analytical, mechanical experience or process. It’s a state of being. I can’t box that up for you I’m afraid.

But, one last tip I will give you is this: the love you seek out there is already within you.

You may like to find that first. You may like to work on filling your own cup and then you will experience the truth of these words: “my cup runneth over” (Psalm 23:5). You’ll experience the ‘endless, flowing river of love’. You’ll experience what I mean when I say ‘you are love’ and, you’ll realise that nothing outside of you needs to change for you to have this experience. You’ll realise, even if only for a second, that:

You were racing around out there to find what was already within.

You were chasing other people to give you what you already had.

You were trying to acquire what you never lacked.

It’s as if a big cosmic joke has been played on humans! The thing we most dearly seek is what we already are. What a puzzle! But, history and wise teachers did leave us clues…

“The kingdom of God is within you.” Luke 17:21

“Love is not an emotion, it’s your very existence.” Rumi

“To love is not to ask anything in return, not even to feel that you are giving something – and it is only such love that can know freedom.” J. Krishnamurti

Don’t seek love. Be it.

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‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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