A new kind of normal

COVID caused and in some places is very sadly still causing, separation from family and friends and a lack of any kind of social contact. Even though life for many of us is beginning to look like it did before, nothing is the same as it was. So many people have suffered huge hardships, anxiety, loneliness, and loss. In Israel, where I now live, COVID is almost gone, and life is almost back to what we might think as ‘normal’. Except it isn’t the normal we knew before. I am watching the joy of people hugging parents, children, and friends again. There is an atmosphere of relief, appreciation, and a strong sense of zest for life and making the most of the moment.

Missing hugs

Larissa Meijer and colleagues’ (2021) recent study showed that touch-starved people rate touch more highly than usual, even when only viewing touch on video. Nothing makes up for hugging our friends and family. Touch and connection to others are imperative for human wellbeing and before the pandemic, we may have taken hugging our friends, children, and extended family for granted. I know I wasn’t alone on rating hugs as one of the things I missed most during lockdown, and it is wonderful to see and experience human contact happening. again, outside of cyberspace.

Managing life in lockdown

Weeks of enforced aloneness provided me with a chance to reflect on many things, but then I did not have to manage a young family and juggling a job. Yet those who did have to juggle demonstrated incredible creativity, adaptability, and resilience.  Many of us worked from home at least some of the time during the lengthy lockdowns of the pandemic, so boundaries became blurred between work time and family/social time. Mariana Toniolo-Barrios and Leyland Pitt’s (2021) recent study found that it is harder to say no to the extra tasks, when you are not commuting, and you are working from your bedroom, lounge, or kitchen table. Work/life balance, a valuable commodity even before the pandemic, for many of us, ceased to exist.

The side effects of solitude

Simultaneously, the pressure of what to do socially, having to dress up and show up, meant a welcome break for many, from meeting both our own expectations and those of others. My move abroad meant that lockdowns were incredibly challenging and as a usually sociable person, I was grateful to work in an industry where I at least got to see my work colleagues. I managed to enjoy my own company by staying connected online and working, but many peoples’ mental health suffered greatly, as a result of being confined. Solitude leaves us with fewer options to distract ourselves from difficult feelings. It will take time for people to recover from what has been an incredibly challenging period.

Moving mindfully forward

As we have come back to the rhythm of life we were used to pre-COVID, I am even more grateful for the pleasure of appreciating what you can see, when you can only walk a little way from your house or look out of the window. I am grateful for understanding that it is OK to stop and just be. Experiencing companionship, friendship, family, and connectedness again in person has given us an opportunity to become more focused on what we want to reintroduce into our lives. Things which were taken for granted, as part of the everyday act of living, have become noticeable and alongside the devastation of the virus, many experienced a renewed sense of awe and gratitude for the simplest of pleasures. Whereas before, we may just have walked on and ignored these everyday sources of beauty, whilst wrapped up in our thoughts or ‘busy-ness’, a flower, the greenness of grass against a blue sky, a butterfly, birdsong or the warmth of the sun became focal points.

I hope we can hang on to the knowledge of what we lost and value what we have had returned to us. If we can remain mindful of what we missed, maybe the gratitude and joy of having our lives back can help us to build a more meaningful future, where we make the space for what really matters, appreciate the small things and make the most of our gift of life.

References

Meijer, L. L., Hasenack, B., Kamps, J., Mahon, A., Titone, G., Dijkerman, H. C., & Keizer, A. (2021). Out of

touch: Touch deprivation and affective touch perception during the COVID-19

pandemic. PsyArXiv. June, 8.

Toniolo-Barrios, M., & Pitt, L. (2021). Mindfulness and the challenges of working from home in times of

crisis. Business Horizons, 64(2), 189-197.

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Even before the pandemic, I don’t know anyone who has come through life without facing their own personal challenges and crises and sometimes, it is useful to start with taking a step back and observing our own situation in a more detached way. Mindfulness researcher Jon Kabat-Zinn (2012) reminds us that the events we have experienced until now have already happened to us; we can’t change them, but we can change the way we react to and overcome stressful situations. The ways we find to manage life will be unique to each of us; what works for some may not work for others but here are a few ideas about remaining grounded and resilient, no matter what is going on around us.

Mindfully observing the ‘movie’ of our own lives

Practising mindfulness can help us switch off panic and anxiety and begin to think differently. Stopping to watch how our own life movie is unfolding, without judging it or trying to fix what we don’t like, can help us to detach from being ‘in’ our experience. Mindful pauses can help us break stressful patterns of thought and find clarity and even for just a few minutes a day, mindfulness practice can slow our heart rate and positively refocus our attention.

How many of us are actively holding our breath, or holding stress and tension in our bodies, when this serves no purpose apart from perpetuating the anxiety cycle? I know I have caught myself responding this way to stress.  Changing this behaviour can be achieved through some easy mindfulness practice and kinder self-talk.  A simple trigger word like ‘relax’, as a reminder to self to release tension we are holding and taking a couple of minutes for focused deep breathing can really help with changing your state of mind. There are many mindfulness and meditation apps which with just a few minutes a day, can help us build a habit that research has shown can lead to increased ability to cope with both expected and unexpected life events.

Grounded in gratitude

Many people have expressed to me that gratitude is really difficult to experience when in the middle of a challenging life event. For many, negative emotions like anger and fear, can be all-consuming for a period of time. Yet this is when we might need gratitude more than ever. The most grateful people I know are those who are able to appreciate life’s little miracles, despite their circumstances. Gratitude is a behavioural trait, with some people possessing a natural tendency to be grateful, but it is also a practice that we can all learn. A recent study by Cousin et.al., (2020), suggests that practicing gratitude may literally help heal a broken heart, by changing our biomarkers for heart disease.

So how can we become more grateful? Again, start small. Notice little things during your day which make you smile and actively think about and appreciate them for a few moments. Then start writing about them at the end of the day, even just a few of them for a few minutes. It can be anything; a sunset, a flower, a conversation with a friend, anything which makes your heart sing. Even over a short time period of a couple of weeks, gratitude journaling can have a positive effect on mindset and set up a habit for keeping us open to the great things in our lives that might get lost in the noise of living.

Our thoughts are not things

As conscious beings, we all have thousands of thoughts a day, as part of our own unique lived experience. But whether our thoughts are good or bad, they are simply thoughts. We may experience many feelings based on our thoughts, but our thinking is not our permanent reality. Sidney Banks’ work on The Three Principles considers wellbeing and mental health from the psychospiritual perspective that we are all innately resilient and mentally healthy, no matter what is happening around us.

Pransky and Kelly’s (2014) study discussed working with the Three Principles in various therapeutic settings, suggested that participants experienced a shift in consciousness towards a more resilient way of being, despite particularly challenging circumstances. If you have never come across Sidney Banks’ work on The Three Principles, it is worth exploring this simple yet profound understanding.

Small changes for big results

As we move on with life, through an ever-changing path of discovery and while are no right or wrong ways to manage the challenges in our lives, working on even small changes can help us remain resilient and ready for our next challenges. Small shifts in our behaviours can have a long-lasting impact, enabling us to continue to embrace and grow from our experiences so that we can thrive, now and in the future.

References

Cousin, L., Redwine, L., Bricker, C., Kip, K., & Buck, H. (2020). Effect of gratitude on cardiovascular health outcomes: a state-of-the-science review. The Journal of Positive Psychology, 1-8.

Kabat-Zinn, J. (2012). Mindfulness for beginners: Reclaiming the present moment—and your life. Sounds True.

Pransky, J., & Kelley, T. M. (2014). Three principles for realizing mental health: A new psychospiritual view. Journal of Creativity in Mental Health, 9(1), 53-68.

Read more about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

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How we think it will be and how it is

Most of us are incredibly good at painting colourful pictures in our minds, of how we think life will be, and often, we do the same with how it has been, putting our past episodes, good or bad, in an ‘experience box’ from which we can construct our life stories. We really are all far more creative than we might think, even those of us who don’t relate to being creative in any way. Most of us expertly adjust our narratives to explain the less exciting or desirable parts of life, so that with all the confusion and chaos we find along our journeys, we can make sense of, and perceive a sense of control over our destinies.

Yet one of the certainties of life, is that there is no certainty, which is particularly poignant now, when Covid-19 has impacted all of us. Many people feel a loss of control over our lives, dreams, and freedoms, in a way they never have before. The changes in the way we live, for many of us, are a mismatch for the stories we have made up about our lives so far or futures.

Stepping out of our comfort zones can be good for us

When our reality is far from the way we planned life, this can cause a lot of internal turmoil, since our internal narratives are frequently based on a lot of ‘shoulds’, or fixed ideas. Our ideals are linked to what we have decided are acceptable outcomes, based on our social conditioning and life experiences. Since life often doesn’t work out as we planned, our fixed ideas can do us more harm than good, where we stay firmly rooted in what we thought would be a worthwhile life chapter, which may no longer be possible or viable. Resilience researchers agree that being able to reconsider, learn from our difficulties and adjust to new ways of being, even in traumatic circumstances, leads to personal growth, and the development of new personal resources. Leaving our comfort zones may actually be good for us.

Why do we stay stuck?

Many of us stay in situations which stop us thriving, simply because a change of mind is often not the easy choice. Change of any kind is often coupled with fear, loss, letting go and vulnerability. Becoming unstuck is a time when we need to decide whether staying in our comfortable but no longer useful place is more painful than facing the unknown. In my own experience, the choice to stay stuck is often far more uncomfortable than, as Brené Brown (2015) puts in in her book Daring Greatly, having the courage to step into the arena.

Being brave enough to let go

Once we have made the decision to move forward in a new direction, there will often be a cost, whether that is emotionally, physically, socially, or financially. Yet what we stand to gain could be far greater if we are willing to have the courage to try. When I look at my life story, the times where I was prepared to metaphorically jump from a flying plane and hope my parachute opened, are the times where I have achieved the most, gained the greatest sense of wellbeing and freedom and realising my own potential for growth. Willingness to be truly vulnerable is probably one of the most important life lessons I have learned and has led me to take steps towards a richer and brighter story, often more vibrant than anything I could have envisioned before taking the leap of faith. When we are prepared to be vulnerable, we will allow ourselves to face the emotional upheaval; mourning a relationship that no longer serves us, reaching for that new job that brings us meaning, moving to a new house. We will do whatever it takes to be brave enough to write a bold new chapter.

Rethinking your dreams

One of my personal favourite quotes is by Joseph Campbell (2003), who writes about The Hero’s Journey as a mythical, metaphorical idea of our journey through life. He says, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Maybe now, more than ever, a flexible approach to life’s ups and downs and the ability to rethink our dreams might serve us more than staying frustrated and stuck that life didn’t work out as it might have. Though it is definitely not always easy, if we can keep our minds open, then maybe, the best is yet to come.

References

Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.

Campbell, J. (2003). The hero’s journey: Joseph Campbell on his life and work (Vol. 7). New World Library.

McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of general psychology, 5(2), 100-122.

Read more about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

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My MAPP research (Zahavi, 2020) looked at the lived experiences of single Anglo women over fifty, as new immigrants to Israel. Having had careers and families, I was curious about how my participants would manage the cultural change alone and what the experience would mean to them. They all described a journey which was challenging, frustrating, but also deeply rewarding in terms of personal growth.

Following in my participants’ footsteps

I was especially fascinated by the experiences of the women I interviewed, as I had always planned to make this journey for myself. After years of talking and dreaming about it, in July 2020, in a face mask and visor and with copious amounts of Covid-19 resistant alcogel, this is what I did.

Aside from relocating during a global pandemic, when nothing is as we would expect it to be, not one aspect of life; work, relationships or social integration has gone as planned. So here I am, in this land of Middle Eastern heat, hummus and blue skies, in my early fifties, learning a whole new way of being.

Acculturation can be a bumpy but beautiful ride

Kalervo Oberg’s (1958) study describes four stages of the process of acculturation: the honeymoon phase, culture shock, adjustment, and adaption. The initial honeymoon period is a time full of wonder and joy at falling in love with new surroundings, people, food, in fact, new everything. Once this initial excitement has passed, there is often a gradual realisation of the enormity of the differences to an immigrant’s old life. Language barriers, finding suitable work, fitting in socially, all the things we might take for granted in our birth country are no longer the same. Oberg describes this phenomenon as culture shock. Many immigrants experience this as a significant downward dip in the curve of wellbeing levels, often reporting distress and anxiety. Some may even return to their birth country.

Adaptation can lead to positive psychological growth

There are undoubtedly going to be difficult times, however, many psychological studies concentrate solely on the negative aspects of relocating. Yet, as Cobb et.al. (2019) found in their recent research, even when the going is tough, relocation often leads to an immense sense of achievement, increased wellbeing, and positive psychological growth.

As I have found out for myself, the real process of adjustment begins when immigrants draw on resources such as personal strengths, character traits and positive psychological interventions, to help with building and maintaining resilience and finding ways through difficulties. Overcoming challenges allows life to settle into a new kind of rhythm and the immigrant settles into their new self-identity. Life in the host country becomes the new normal as adaptation occurs and six months into my own journey, I can relate to every stage of this process.

Some tips for positive coping

I have found many positive ways of coping, which have helped get me through challenges I had no idea I would have to face, and my coping playbook includes many of the positive psychological interventions I have learned and practised; mindfulness moments, expressing gratitude and even having the courage to be able to sit in the tough stuff and know that it will pass. So, after some trials and plenty of errors, here are my top 3 tips for managing the start of a new life in a new country:

Ask for help

I, like many of us, am notoriously bad at this and have always liked to ‘do it myself’. If ever there is a time to admit vulnerability and ask for help, it is when you are navigating how life works in a new country, (particularly in the middle of a pandemic!) with little of the local language. I am grateful that by nature, Israelis are often direct and to the point, but also incredibly warm-hearted and more than happy to help. Wherever your journey might take you, if help is offered from the heart, take it, and if it is not, then ask!

Learn from someone who did it before you

Israel is a land of immigrants and there are always people to learn from, which really makes a difference. Learning how to navigate the banking system, bureaucracy, even how and where to shop, can help with getting past the culture shock stage. I have gathered all kinds of tips from lovely people who did this journey before me, and every little bit of information has helped me manage life here more easily. If there is a way to avoid struggling, then take it.

Be kind to yourself

This is perhaps the most important tip of all. I have a friend here who reminded me one day, while I was still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ that each little achievement is a ‘little victory’. Those words have helped me stay focused on making life work here, even when it has been, and still can be really challenging.  So, instead of being impatient with yourself, talk to yourself with kindness. It is completely normal to have to adjust to life but being kind to yourself can help with enjoying your new surroundings. Remember to pat yourself on the back frequently.

The journey is worth it

As a recent immigrant, I am glad I made the move. I have a lot more to achieve and a lot more to learn but that is part of the joy of relocation and I can recommend it. Now that I am finding ways to navigate life here, the wellbeing curve is on the way back up. The journey is bumpy, beautiful, and probably one of the most exciting adventures of my life.

References

Cobb, C.L., Branscombe, N.R., Meca, A., Schwartz, S.J., Xie, D., Zea, M.C., Molina, L.E. and Martinez Jr,

C.R., (2019). Toward a positive psychology of immigrants. Perspectives on psychological

science, 14(4), pp.619-632.

Oberg, K. (1958). Culture Shock and Problems of Adjustment. Journal of Practical Anthropology, (7), 117-

189.

Zahavi, M. (2020). Resilient relocation: The experience of single Anglo women over 50 as recent immigrants to Israel. Psychreg Journal of Psychology, 4 (2): 63-69

Read about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

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Pop psychology or positive psychology?

In a culture where it is rare to see people openly sharing the messy bits of life, happiness is often seen as the holy grail of being, an ideal emotional state, which if not reached means we are not living our best life.  This has led not only to a huge happiness industry; self-help books, workshops, whatever it takes to keep us out of uncomfortable feelings but as a result, many of us feeling that a happy life just isn’t possible, and we can never quite get there. Yet there is no ideal and in reality, all of us fluctuate between periods of joy and periods of difficulty. The pseudoscientific idea that ‘if I think positive and think everything is OK, then it will be OK’ is simply not how life works.

Compare or share?

Shakespeare’s famous quote from As You Like It, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” has never been more apt. Whilst social media and the internet offer wonderful platforms for sharing the good things in life, our tendency for measuring the quality of our life against someone else’s can be very unhealthy. Sonja Lyubomirsky and Lee Ross’s study from 1997, found that when we compare our lives to others, this may move us away further away from happiness and into a sense of helplessness and dissatisfaction. Sharing our lives and opinions online may leave us open to public scrutiny, criticism and judgment, but the courage to be open and honest can show others that it is OK not to be perfect and smiling all the time. What’s more, as Jonathan Haidt and Pamela Paresky argued in their 2010 article, teaching our children to shy away from difficult feelings and experiences leads to less rather than more resilience.

The messy bits of life can be good for us

As the field of positive psychology has developed, not only does it seem that it is OK to be unhappy some of the time, but resilience studies argue that it can be very good for our overall wellbeing to face the messy bits of life. Martin Seligman argues in his book from 2006, Learned Optiimism, that not only can we learn to be happier, but if we can learn to sit with the messy stuff, the uncomfortable feelings, then we can usually either find a way out of the mess or learn to live with our less desirable life events in a positive way.  For most of us, life is like a messy paint palette full of different shades of experience, some dark and some light. So next time you are faced with what feels like an insurmountable life challenge, bear in mind that even the difficult stuff often results in a richer and more colourful life, through the growth that adversity brings. In the words of philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche, “what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger”. It seems that science agrees.

References

Haidt, J., & Paresky, P. (2019). By mollycoddling our children we’re fuelling mental illness in teenagers,’. The Guardian, 10.

Lyubomirsky, S., & Ross, L. (1997). Hedonic consequences of social comparison: a contrast of happy and unhappy people. Journal of personality and social psychology, 73(6), 1141.

Seligman, M. E. (2006). Learned optimism: How to change your mind and your life. Vintage.

About the author: Monique Zahavi 

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Miller et al.’s (2010) study looked at the concepts of vulnerability and resilience and found that rather than being separate, there were many ways in which these concepts overlap. Those who are truly resilient are able to live in harmony with life, acknowledging their human frailty and embracing it, rather than storing an ever-growing burden of sadness, disappointment and anger. Resilient individuals learn to self-protect where necessary but remain open-hearted. So how can we retain our equilibrium and strength, bounce back from difficulties yet simultaneously stay open to life and all of its gifts?

Mentally tough, yet emotionally flexible

If we continually respond to life as though we are under extreme threat, we will eventually reach overload point, which affects both physical and mental health. Yet being able to overcome fear and self-doubt, staying soft while building our character strengths through self-development and working to achieve goals, may protect us against depression and anxiety and build resilience. Life is a constant series of ups and downs and a degree of stress is both unavoidable yet arguably useful, as a way of equipping us with the motivation to manage life’s challenges. However, the way we respond to life can make the difference between resilience and burnout.

Loving-kindness to open our hearts

Keeping our hearts open while managing the tough stuff can be a challenge, but we can learn to expand into life, rather than shrink from it when things are difficult. One of the simplest ways of learning to open our heart is through practicing loving-kindness. Barbara Fredrickson’s (2013) book, Love 2.0, is easy to read and offers exercises encouraging us to love, to stay connected, build compassion, firstly for ourselves and then for others. The benefits of this practice are manifold. Fredrickson describes love as our supreme emotion, as a means of encouraging our sense of connectedness to others. It is this connectedness, a sense of being part of the bigger picture, that can help us cultivate empathy, increase positive feelings and enable us to be OK with acknowledging our vulnerability whist also living with compassion, curiosity and openness.

Changing our focus with love

Even for a few minutes a day, focusing on offering ourselves loving-kindness can change the way we think and encourage us to soften and become excited about life, even when we might have challenges to manage. Once we can start to focus outwards, offering thought of loving-kindness to others, to the person we meet in the street, to our neighbours, our communities and as far as we want to reach, we develop a constant sense of open-heartedness. Our humanity is expressed through our ability to experience a multitude of emotions and our strength does not come from being brittle and hard, but from yielding to the flow of life’s ups and downs. Like many other species in nature, we can be both soft and strong.

References

Fredrickson, B. (2013). Love 2.0: How our supreme emotion affects everything we feel, think, do, and become. Avery.

Miller, F., Osbahr, H., Boyd, E., Thomalla, F., Bharwani, S., Ziervogel, G., … & Hinkel, J. (2010). Resilience and vulnerability: complementary or conflicting concepts?. Ecology and Society, 15(3).

About the author: Monique Zahavi

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As my journey unfolds, I have often been curious about how the resources I have developed have enabled me to overcome my own challenges and whilst managing life’s difficulties, noticing that I have simultaneously found many moments of joy and happiness. One state does not preclude the other, a finding that appeared to be common to those around me who shared their journeys with me; friends, colleagues and my study participants who faced their own bumpy roads.

The balance between triumphs and trauma

Whilst positive psychology focuses on how humans flourish, it also fully acknowledges life’s hardships. There is no smooth life path and we all face challenges every day, but often these difficulties become a source of our own personal growth. The human condition is one of constantly trying to maintain the balance, encompassing the duality of our ability to be both happy and struggling at the same time.

Yet so many of us appear to triumph over our traumas, finding or maintaining our equilibrium, despite internal and external chaos. As my life has unfolded,  I have noticed that psychological strength is not simply pushing through pain, or pretending to be happy, but as Dr Paul Wong (2013) suggests, finding meaning and purpose in our lives can help us overcome negative emotions so that we remain resilient, whatever our challenges.

Uniquely resilient and resiliently unique

My personal interest in the balance between resilience and happiness became the focus of both my undergraduate and postgraduate psychology studies. Despite one study looking at a chronically ill medical population and the other looking at the lived experience of immigrant women, the common thread throughout my research was the participants’ ability to experience gratitude for what was good in life, whilst facing hardships head-on or working to change circumstances which were less than desirable.

Resilience researcher Anne Masten (2014) suggests that there is something magical about our human ability to face difficulties and yet still embrace life. Yet the art of resilient coping depends on many factors; personality type, genetics and character strengths to name a few, but it is the combination of these factors which makes for our individuality, our uniqueness.  Despite our individual differences, Masten argues that there is a commonality in our ability to cope, respond and bounce back from challenges by drawing on our resources, strengths and abilities.

Understanding that we are already resilient

As positive psychological research has shown, whilst humans are “hard-wired” for survival, we can use the resources and behaviours which help us cope with turbulent times and continue to build on them to help us flourish. We often don’t realise while we get on with the business of living, that each small challenge we overcome, each life lesson learned not only makes use of the attributes we already possess but helps us become better equipped for the next challenge that comes our way. I recently reconnected with a friend of mine who put it beautifully, when she said, “once you get to our age, you realise that life is a constant series of lurching from one crisis to another”. In the next breath she spoke of the joy of living her life full of love and gratitude. This is how it is for many of us.

Whether the crises are small and the triumphs large, or the other way around, drawing on what we already have inside of us, developing our resources and staying open to life’s rich array of experiences can help us put challenges into perspective and face them with acceptance and a sense that even when things are not so great, we are still OK. Life does not have to be exclusively good or bad but is a mix of the sweet and the sour. Just like lemonade.

References

Masten, A. S. (2014). Ordinary magic: Resilience in development. New York, NY, US: Guilford Press.

Wong, P. T. (Ed.). (2013). The human quest for meaning: Theories, research, and applications. Routledge.

https://pixabay.com/photos/lemon-lemonade-drink-thirst-2539163/

About the author: Monique Zahavi

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Positive and negative change is all ‘life’

Life is a constant ebb and flow of happenings, some which we might perceive as ‘bad’ and some as ‘good’. Changes can be welcome, gradual and beautiful, creeping up on us slowly, like the change of seasons, our children growing from babyhood to adulthood, achieving our goals and moving from life stage to life stage. Sometimes change involves taking new steps, reminding ourselves that there is no ‘best time’ to try something we have never tried, and relishing taking risks. Yet positive change often fills our world with richness, joy, a sense of achievement and increased levels of happiness.

Change can also be sudden, undesirable and unexpected, such as bereavement, serious illness, loss of income and career challenges. What we perceive as negative change often impacts on our sense of wellbeing and psychological safety, though as many psychological studies have found, the events and experiences which call on us to overcome difficulties are often the catalysts for personal growth and the development of resilient behaviours and resources that we didn’t know we had.

Hal Hershfield, Susanne Scheibe and Tamara Sims’ 2013 longitudinal study on the effects of a mix of positive and negative emotions over a ten year period, suggests that not only is it good to experience a mixture of emotions, but it can even be beneficial to our long term health.

So how do we manage the tougher stuff without overwhelm?

Research describes multiple psychological benefits of using positive coping strategies when overcoming adverse life situations. Gratitude, hope, courage, joy and a sense of meaning and purpose, may all help us navigate our life path.

Nevertheless, when we are in the thick of a distressing time, it is not always easy to find ways to change our state, though there are some simple techniques which can help encourage positive coping and helpful thinking. Here are a few of them:

·       Mindmap or journal – psychological studies have found that writing about our challenges can help us gain clarity and offer release from stressful thoughts. Gratitude journaling seems to decrease feelings of depression and increase wellbeing, even when continued for a short period of time and mind-mapping is a simple, visual way of seeing a problem, which allows your mind the freedom to find ways to problem solve.

·       Take baby steps – break the challenge down into step by step, day by day and manage a little at a time. Seeing difficulties as a series of smaller obstacles rather than a massive mountain to climb, can help us manage better and we can often be surprised at our own tenacity as we begin to overcome difficulties which may have seemed insurmountable.

·       Mindfulness – even short bursts of meditation have been shown to decrease anxiety and increase our ability to cope when life. Stop ‘doing’, try sitting still and focussing on your breath and just noticing how that feels, just for a few minutes. Even this simple exercise can calm anxious thoughts and help with clear thinking. If you feel you need some help getting started, try one of the many apps which offer short guided meditations and build the practice into your daily routine.

So how does change give us a choice?

The way both positive and negative changes impact our lives largely depends on how we feel and think about them. One of my favourite quotes by Psychiatrist and Holocaust Survivor, Viktor Frankl, sums up the choice we have for developing resilience when life is challenging:

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves”.

Choosing to embrace change, work with it instead of fighting it and learn as we go, often helps us become better versions of ourselves, bringing opportunities for greater wellbeing and a more fulfilling life.

About the Author: Monique Zahavi

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Having met with many people who I am honoured to have had share their stories with me, I don’t think I am unique in my continued joie de vivre no matter what life brings me. In fact, as the years pass and I meet more people on my journey, I often learn of people’s abilities to live through incredible hardships, yet still celebrate life and face their days with happiness. So how is this possible?

Is resilience magic or not?

Looking back at past studies of the science of resilience, it seems the opinions of psychological researchers have continued to fluctuate. In 1979, M. Pines defined resilient children as “superkids”, whilst Ann Masten and Michael Rutter found that many children thrived, despite difficult beginnings.  Ann Masten’s research considers the phenomenon of thriving despite adversity as common to many, describing resilience as “ordinary magic”.

In 2016, researchers Suniya Luthar and Frank Infurna’s study challenged the view that resilience is ordinary. They found that when facing difficulties, it is evident that not everyone copes in the same way as some individuals struggle with adverse life events more than others.

During my exploration of what it means to be resilient, I have found that the behaviours and thoughts which may lead to resilient coping may vary hugely. Factors such as individual differences in personality, the context of the challenge, cultural background and life stage, may all influence what we do to manage and overcome difficulties and “bounce back”.

Are our life challenges good for us?

Despite our individual strategies for managing life, many people report an ability to maintain a constant sense of wellbeing, even whilst facing very difficult circumstances. There is no one definition of resilience, though frequently, resilient individuals display as an ability to not only recover from adverse life events, but to psychologically grow from them and continue to thrive.

A common experience that people describe when recovering from all kinds of adversity, is a sense that expanding our coping abilities through overcoming challenging life events builds on emotional and psychological resources, enabling us to manage the next obstacle that life sends our way.

The self-knowledge achieved through navigating life challenges also equips us to manage the smaller, less problematic day to day happenings. When we think about what we gain each time we achieve our own personal triumphs, however big or small, then what may previously have seemed daunting and emotionally charged, may appear perfectly manageable and become just something we need to do next.

Accepting the rough and the smooth

Having studied resilient behaviours, I often see the good that comes from the ability to sit in our discomfort and manage to be OK, even whilst solving the problems we may face. Throughout my own life, and from discussions with others, I sense that overcoming and managing difficult events may lead to many benefits, including an elevated sense of self-awareness and self-assuredness.

Resilience is far more than “positive thinking”. By allowing ourselves to be curious throughout the process of finding solutions to challenges, we may discover previously unused or unknown know-how and become resourceful in ways we may not have been. If we can remain open to learning more about ourselves and accept that both the good stuff, as well the not so good stuff is all part of life, then often, life’s challenges can become our greatest opportunities for positive change.

About the Author: Monique Zahavi is a positive psychology practitioner with a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) from Buckinghamshire New University. Having previously founded and managed her own businesses, she currently works for a global education charity and is also a Birkbeck Pathways Mentor. Her research interests include health, well-being, strengths and resilience both in and out of the workplace. She is particularly interested in exploring practices and factors which may enhance well-being and resilience while managing changes in self-identity, with a focus on maintaining resilience during life transitions.

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