by Monique Zahavi | July, 2021 | COVID Life, Monique Zahavi
The last year has been like none the world has ever experienced in my lifetime and it has certainly been a time of huge change, mental and physical readjustment with many challenges along the way. For me, a move to a new country, culture, and way of being has made life very colourful despite COVID restrictions, but like millions of us around the world, I have been apart from those I care about, with no way to travel and only seeing my loved ones on Zoom or video chats. A new kind of normal COVID caused and in some places is very sadly still causing, separation from family and friends and a lack of any kind of social contact. Even though life for many of us is beginning to look like it did before, nothing is the same as it was. So many people have suffered huge hardships, anxiety, loneliness, and loss. In Israel, where I now live, COVID is almost gone, and life is almost back to what we might think as ‘normal’. Except it isn’t the normal we knew before. I am watching the joy of people hugging parents, children, and friends again. There is an atmosphere of relief, appreciation, and a strong sense of zest for life and making the most of the moment. Missing hugs Larissa Meijer and colleagues’ (2021) recent study showed that touch-starved people rate touch more highly than usual, even when only viewing touch on video. Nothing makes up for hugging our friends and family. Touch and connection to others are imperative for human wellbeing and before the pandemic, we...
by Monique Zahavi | May, 2021 | COVID Life, Monique Zahavi
I have taken part in and read many conversations recently about improving our own wellbeing, particularly as many of us have seen some light at the end of the COVID-19 tunnel and are considering the best ways to live our lives with our returning freedoms. Common threads include an ability to accept life’s challenges, stay grounded and grateful for the good that we already have, and be willing to be open to challenges as opportunities for personal growth. Even before the pandemic, I don’t know anyone who has come through life without facing their own personal challenges and crises and sometimes, it is useful to start with taking a step back and observing our own situation in a more detached way. Mindfulness researcher Jon Kabat-Zinn (2012) reminds us that the events we have experienced until now have already happened to us; we can’t change them, but we can change the way we react to and overcome stressful situations. The ways we find to manage life will be unique to each of us; what works for some may not work for others but here are a few ideas about remaining grounded and resilient, no matter what is going on around us. Mindfully observing the ‘movie’ of our own lives Practising mindfulness can help us switch off panic and anxiety and begin to think differently. Stopping to watch how our own life movie is unfolding, without judging it or trying to fix what we don’t like, can help us to detach from being ‘in’ our experience. Mindful pauses can help us break stressful patterns of thought and find clarity and...
by Monique Zahavi | March, 2021 | confidence, Monique Zahavi
We humans are all narrators of our own life stories. We are meaning-making creatures, even those of us with no religious beliefs. Our lived experiences shape the way we see ourselves and influence the creation of our internal ‘screenplay’. McAdams (2001) life story research discussed multiple psychological theories related to culture, societal influence, gender, life stage and many other factors, which determine our internal dialogue and the way we see the world. How we think it will be and how it is Most of us are incredibly good at painting colourful pictures in our minds, of how we think life will be, and often, we do the same with how it has been, putting our past episodes, good or bad, in an ‘experience box’ from which we can construct our life stories. We really are all far more creative than we might think, even those of us who don’t relate to being creative in any way. Most of us expertly adjust our narratives to explain the less exciting or desirable parts of life, so that with all the confusion and chaos we find along our journeys, we can make sense of, and perceive a sense of control over our destinies. Yet one of the certainties of life, is that there is no certainty, which is particularly poignant now, when Covid-19 has impacted all of us. Many people feel a loss of control over our lives, dreams, and freedoms, in a way they never have before. The changes in the way we live, for many of us, are a mismatch for the stories we have made up about our lives...
by Monique Zahavi | January, 2021 | Culture, Monique Zahavi, Positive Psychology
Whatever the reason for uprooting from the land where you were born and bred, whether it is for financial reasons, a change of scenery, for career progression or to escape persecution, relocating to another country impacts every aspect of life. My MAPP research (Zahavi, 2020) looked at the lived experiences of single Anglo women over fifty, as new immigrants to Israel. Having had careers and families, I was curious about how my participants would manage the cultural change alone and what the experience would mean to them. They all described a journey which was challenging, frustrating, but also deeply rewarding in terms of personal growth. Following in my participants’ footsteps I was especially fascinated by the experiences of the women I interviewed, as I had always planned to make this journey for myself. After years of talking and dreaming about it, in July 2020, in a face mask and visor and with copious amounts of Covid-19 resistant alcogel, this is what I did. Aside from relocating during a global pandemic, when nothing is as we would expect it to be, not one aspect of life; work, relationships or social integration has gone as planned. So here I am, in this land of Middle Eastern heat, hummus and blue skies, in my early fifties, learning a whole new way of being. Acculturation can be a bumpy but beautiful ride Kalervo Oberg’s (1958) study describes four stages of the process of acculturation: the honeymoon phase, culture shock, adjustment, and adaption. The initial honeymoon period is a time full of wonder and joy at falling in love with new surroundings, people, food,...
by Monique Zahavi | March, 2020 | Life, Monique Zahavi
Most of us want to live a life of happiness, joy and flourishing, yet whilst we might actively strive for happiness, life throws us all kinds of challenges so that peace, calm and fulfilment often seem to evade us, no matter what we do. So, is it so bad to be unhappy some of the time? According to many psychological researchers, apparently not. Unhappy times may even be the keys to our happiness; bumps in the road of life can encourage us to draw on our personal resources and character strengths, which leads to increased resilience and satisfaction with life and emotional growth. Pop psychology or positive psychology? In a culture where it is rare to see people openly sharing the messy bits of life, happiness is often seen as the holy grail of being, an ideal emotional state, which if not reached means we are not living our best life. This has led not only to a huge happiness industry; self-help books, workshops, whatever it takes to keep us out of uncomfortable feelings but as a result, many of us feeling that a happy life just isn’t possible, and we can never quite get there. Yet there is no ideal and in reality, all of us fluctuate between periods of joy and periods of difficulty. The pseudoscientific idea that ‘if I think positive and think everything is OK, then it will be OK’ is simply not how life works. Compare or share? Shakespeare’s famous quote from As You Like It, “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players” has never been more apt....
by Monique Zahavi | December, 2019 | kindness, Monique Zahavi
When we think of the concept of resilience, it may be that we think of simply being tough or breezing through challenges with little acknowledgment of discomfort. Yet research has suggested that resilience is not about avoidance, but about being able to sit in our messy feelings and move through them, not through closing down, but by staying open to the full spectrum of our experiences. Miller et al.’s (2010) study looked at the concepts of vulnerability and resilience and found that rather than being separate, there were many ways in which these concepts overlap. Those who are truly resilient are able to live in harmony with life, acknowledging their human frailty and embracing it, rather than storing an ever-growing burden of sadness, disappointment and anger. Resilient individuals learn to self-protect where necessary but remain open-hearted. So how can we retain our equilibrium and strength, bounce back from difficulties yet simultaneously stay open to life and all of its gifts? Mentally tough, yet emotionally flexible If we continually respond to life as though we are under extreme threat, we will eventually reach overload point, which affects both physical and mental health. Yet being able to overcome fear and self-doubt, staying soft while building our character strengths through self-development and working to achieve goals, may protect us against depression and anxiety and build resilience. Life is a constant series of ups and downs and a degree of stress is both unavoidable yet arguably useful, as a way of equipping us with the motivation to manage life’s challenges. However, the way we respond to life can make the difference between resilience...
