Can We Thrive When We Are Lonely?

Can We Thrive When We Are Lonely?

Let’s talk about loneliness. What does it mean to be lonely? Why do we feel it? Are there any good things about being and feeling lonely? People sometimes do feel lonely, but when ‘sometimes’ becomes ‘most of the time’ is what worries us. Right? Abe Maslow said that it’s a fundamental need to have social connections (Elizabeth Hopper, 2020), Erikson was a bit more optimistic, he said that loneliness helps with personal growth (Gross, 2020), Cacioppo pushed this further (Holding et al., 2020), and he said that it can lead to cardiovascular disease. Some of us have a deep feeling of not being good enough, and we hide away from people, feeling unworthy of attention. Those of us who feel this way should start reflecting deeply on the idea of excellence and should start taking steps to avoid a monolithic view of excellence. It’s not you who is worthless! It’s your idea about yourself that may need to be radically re-examined. We often read about people who are projecting their inner world to the outer world (Waytz, 2011), and while there are certainly such kinds of people, they tend to see the world the way they see themselves. But for the purpose of this blog, I will focus more on people who are on the other end of the spectrum. And namely, those who let the world project itself onto them, these are the people who let the wolf into the house. And while the wolf is being a wolf and behaving like a wolf, he does not realize the havoc he creates, and the suffering that follows follows....
The Misconception About Introversion And Extroversion: Enjoying Alone Time

The Misconception About Introversion And Extroversion: Enjoying Alone Time

There is a common view that introverts don’t like interacting too much and would rather spend time alone, whilst extroverts spend all their time socialising and hate being alone. Is this a simplistic view of these personality traits? Could there be more to understand when considering who does and does not like spending time alone? Recent research has explored self-determined motivation for solitude and a preference for solitude, including how it relates to socialising. This post contributes to the discussion by also sharing some insights from my own research into qualities of time alone in midlife and how time alone is an undervalued activity in contemporary society.   The Common Myth Society has a tendency to generalise a great deal. We often forget that the variation in people is far broader than the ‘average’ that we rely on as a measure of behaviour. The concept of introverts and extroverts was first presented by Carl Gustav Jung in the early 1900s. In very simple terms, Jung differentiated the types into those who tend to engage with the outside world in an active way (extroverts) and those that were more often engaged in the internal world of reflection (introverts). However, as the concept of personality was developed it became more and more defined as those who are outgoing and sociable (extroverts) and those who are inhibited and shy (introverts). This starts to put value judgements onto the traits as through the lens of sociability. Being an introvert myself I take umbradge at this! I am a sociable person and can be quite outgoing at times. True I am not the life...
Together Alone: Being By Yourself and With Yourself

Together Alone: Being By Yourself and With Yourself

You may be thinking that the two words ‘together’ and ‘alone’ are an odd two words to put together. I’ve put them together for this post to emphasise the need to know ourselves and be comfortable in our own company. In today’s contemporary world we have little time to listen to our own voices. I shall use prose and poetry I have come across in my research to explain the value in taking time to connect to YOU.   Contemporary Culture When I read this excerpt of a book by Thich Nhat Hanh I thought it told the story of society very well. Many of us are afraid of going home to ourselves because we don’t know how to handle the suffering inside us. That’s why we’re always reaching for more and more sense impressions to consume. – Thich Nhat Hanh, (2015) Silence: The Power of Quiet in a World Full of Noise We live in a world that is constantly talking to us, requesting our attention and our minds. Research data indicates that more and more people are self-reporting that they are depressed, anxious, or lonely. How can we be lonely when we are more connected than ever, living and existing in close proximity to everyone else?   Being By Yourself We can all be by ourselves to a point. We can physically take ourselves off somewhere and be alone, or we can be absorbed in what we are doing, whether amongst people we know or strangers. For some this is easy enough, their lives allow for some time alone, or their work enables them to be focused...
Are you Feeling the Pressure of Aloneliness?

Are you Feeling the Pressure of Aloneliness?

Are you feeling the pressure of aloneliness? How to recognise it and take action It’s the New Year and most people will have had a whirlwind of a Festive season. The level of busyness cranks up for many and there is very little time to be truly alone- even in these times. Culturally we don’t value time alone and tend to fear it, a sign that we have a problem and might feel lonely. Yet the there is often a tension between having a full life and having time to just ‘be’. This tension has been researched by Robert J. Coplan and colleagues in a concept they call ‘aloneliness’. Here I explain how this cultural narrative has resulted in so many people feeling exhausted and how we can shift the narrative and our behaviours to one that is more balanced. Aloneliness The word a-loneliness has been defined as a negative feeling that arises when a person does not have enough time alone. It is the antithesis of loneliness when someone feels too alone. Coplan refers to the paradox of solitude where we recognise the benefits of time alone, such as in meditation, but at the same time perceive being alone negatively in most areas of our lives. Being too busy and not getting enough time alone can have an impact on mental health. If you are feeling tense or your mood is low, with just too much to do, could you be feeling alonely?   The need to ‘do’ We are all aware of FOMO- Fear Of Missing Out which seems to have burrowed inside us. We twitch when...
How to Have a New Experience Without Leaving Your Chair!

How to Have a New Experience Without Leaving Your Chair!

Really we don’t need to always be out and about having a new experience; we can create our own simply by expanding our imagination and our access to new words. In this post, I aim to show you how that can be done. As I continue my research into what it means to be or feel alone, I have noticed a complex web of aloneness which is sometimes felt as loneliness, solitude, or something in between. The reason there are so many ways to feel alone is because the way we describe how we feel depends on the context, past experiences and individual interpretation. This is why new words often enter our language, sometimes borrowed from other cultures, to describe the different ways we experience the ever-changing world. Words evoke strong emotions, and so with a new word comes a new set of emotions.   Different ways of saying how you feel Etymology is the study and history of words. A dip into the origins of specific words shows a picture where a word evolves its structure and meaning through the ages. In today’s society, new words are being created more than ever, and old ones are recycled into new meanings. We don’t have to stick to our own language. Other languages often have a word that describes something we don’t have. By learning the word and its meaning it can give us access to new feelings and experiences. Take words that are very emotive, such as those that are nostalgic or mournful. Emotions are very important to us, and these types of words hold a strong embodied sense...
Loneliness or Solitude? It depends on your point of view!

Loneliness or Solitude? It depends on your point of view!

As a loneliness researcher, I am interested in the history and meaning of the word. Did you know there is no specific word that means the opposite of loneliness? This is intriguing in itself! Just to add to the mix, if you compare the word solitude with loneliness you will find definitions and synonyms that overlap. Yet loneliness is considered negative and solitude is seen as positive. So what is loneliness and is it possible to reduce the negative feelings associated with it?   So what is loneliness? The most common definition is ‘a perceived lack of social support’, or an alternative way of saying this is ‘the discrepancy between actual and preferred social relationships’. These definitions are specific to connecting with other people and define loneliness as not having the right quality or quantity of social support. Dictionary definitions focus on feelings of unhappiness because there are no friends or people around.   What is solitude? Solitude has a more flexible definition. It is less emotive and is about being alone. This is usually considered a pleasant experience. It is often something that is chosen. It doesn’t evoke the same level of concern as the word loneliness. There is even a word to describe someone who leads and enjoys a solitary life: ‘solitudinarian’.   History of the two words The word loneliness comes from the Latin word ‘solus’ meaning alone, which is where solitary comes from too. Words often have multiple meanings and loneliness is no exception. Furthermore, the word solitary was used in the English language before the word loneliness. In the 14th Century the word solitary...