When Things Start to Unravel

By the second week, I was less physically unwell but still tired and listless and that was when the psychological impact really started to show. I felt low and unmotivated and my playfulness disappeared; always a good barometer of my wellbeing. Humour is crucial to me. As one of my top strengths, I rely on seeing the funny side, looking at life from different perspectives and making others laugh. These are the things that buoy me up, they give my life its colour and vibrancy. Without it, everything was effortful and lacked meaning. And this was the toughest part – everything seemed pointless.

It was ironic that I had been coaching others only the week before to help them notice their signs and triggers around life’s stressors so they could build the self-awareness to monitor their wellbeing. Yet here I was, so quickly feeling lost and disconnected with only a minor hiccup in my health.

Every Setback Can Be An Opportunity to Learn!

Okay I thought, I should be able to dip into the bag of tools I have been putting together to support myself and others. After all, practising positivity when things are hard, that’s where the real work happens, where I get to explore what is most useful for me! So I asked myself ‘what advice I would give someone else; what would I suggest they do to get back on track?’

No surprise, I failed! If anything I felt worse for not being able to ‘snap out of it. How could I teach this stuff if I dropped a ball at the first sign of struggle? I wondered if a short-term intervention such as ‘three good things’ could boost my mood? But the thought of even starting seemed beyond me and not only that, it just didn’t resonate. It didn’t feel like what I needed right then.

So I stopped and thought some more. I thought about where I was, about how I had been working throughout my illness up to this point, the pressure I had put myself under in the preceding months and how I had been hankering for a break, some fun, maybe a holiday? Instead of listening to what I needed, I had kept pushing on through. I’d been excited, driven, and enjoying a new challenge but I had allowed myself to become depleted. So yes, it was no surprise I was ill. And with that in mind, I reassessed the situation.

Being Honest With Myself

I realised trying to lift my mood and focus on the positive was not working because it was not what was called for. What I needed here was to be kind to myself. I was ill and I needed to let myself be ill. There was no ‘solution’ this wasn’t something that I could fix, I couldn’t think my way out of this one. It came to me that what might help was offering myself some kindness as I recuperated. Straight away, this acceptance and understanding released something in me; the frustration and impatience, layers we add to top of our initial condition, all those stories we tell ourselves about why something is happening. Once I had dropped these expectations I felt myself relax and have been able to take some downtime for myself, without judgement.

Seeing More Clearly

Simply taking the pressure off myself let me see clearer and offered me some perspective. Life has its natural rhythms, times when we are move active and times when we need to rest. This wasn’t something I had to resolve, it would resolve itself. The lesson for me here was self-compassion and gentleness. I am learning that these things are not just something to offer other people but are there for me as well! So I have turned to Kristen Neff (2011), the ideal teacher when self-compassion is called for and am going to be taking some time to deepen my leaning on this topic.

Bringing This Understanding To My Coaching

This experience has got me thinking about how I can best support those coming to positive psychology from a place of chronic illness. Many live with daily choices around how to best utilise depleted resources, often against a backdrop of pain and fatigue. My own mini-experience of ill-health was nothing compared to the battles faced by those with long-term conditions but it gave me some small insight into the determination that is called for to practice even small changes, and how these may have to go by the wayside if they aren’t what you need that day.

Honesty and self-compassion are two essential resources in our wellbeing toolbox and by remembering to use them this month I have given myself the space to truly put positive psychology into practice. It has been another lesson for me in appreciating that positive psychology is not ‘happyology’!

References

Neff, K. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. Hachette UK.

And visit – www.Self-compassion.org

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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This blog explores how the introduction of two words from different cultures can hep us shift our thinking to a more global and caring mindset – Ubunto and Iroquois.

Language concepts

Lisa Feldman Barrett’s work on the Theory of Constructed Emotions tells us that we can change our unhealthy emotional responses and behaviours and create better ones, just by interpreting our emotional responses in a healthier way. However, if we only have a limited vocabulary and limited awareness of what is possible, we are trapped in a cycle of unhealthy thinking. We need to expand our world by finding and learning new ways of thinking, which will help us create new ways of feeling.

Ubuntu

An African word, roughly translated means “I am because of you”. Desmond Tutu first introduced this to the West, explaining that it is about feeling compassion, love and respect for everyone, to recognise that we are all connected and everything I do is bound up in everything you do. None of us exist without the millions of other people existing before us, with us and after us.  Nelson Mandela explained it as that experience of arriving at a new place and the people being kind and generous, caring for your needs. In your own community, it would mean that everyone has an interest in helping one another because everyone is connected.

Iroquois

This is the name of a tribe in the Native American culture, where their culture is one of harmony with the world around them. Their way of being is often referred to as the “seventh generation principle”, where the tribe make decisions that take into consideration how it would impact the seventh generation of their people. Thinking Iroquois when we plan, decide, and action anything shifts our mindset and reminds us that we often destroy something to build something. It is a philosophy, a commitment to think before we act, to look at the blue sky, the green mountains, and listen to the bird song, and promise our descendants that they too will have the privilege to see and hear the same.

Socially constructing a new culture

No culture stands still, fixed in time. All cultures shift and change through the generations, being influenced by what is most important to the people at that time. The rise in environmental and social concerns means we too are starting to shift into a new chapter of the Western culture. We can help shape that by influencing each other, constructing a new way of being. Not only is important that we shape our culture in a way that creates compassion, harmony and connectedness, but quite frankly it’s fun learning new words! So go on, get curious and see how many new words you can introduce into your vocabulary!

About the author:  Lisa Jones has a professional background in human resource leadership. Now self-employed she is studying for a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology at Bucks New University where she intends to use her knowledge and learning to continue researching, primarily on the topic of social change and meaningful living. She intends to undertake a PhD within the research area of positive psychology.

The post Feeling Ubuntu, thinking Iroquois – How new words can give us new ways of being appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.