Why do we live this way? Why do we hold ourselves back?

1. We’re worried about other people’s opinions

Parents, friends, neighbours, colleagues, randoms on social media – what will they think about us?  Whether you want to know if they approve of your outfit or your career, you keep looking outside of you for permission to do, be and have what you want.

I understand that. I do it too. This need for approval, belonging and acceptance is deeply baked into us all. It’s part of our survival instinct. But it also holds us back from our fullest, most brilliant and authentic life because we choose what others want, instead of what we want. Even though it’s us who must live with the consequences.

2. We don’t like uncertainty

Another reason we hold ourselves back is because we don’t like the unknown. We want to get all the answers before we take a leap. So, we over analyse, over plan, predict and prepare. We wait for every duck to be in a row before we act.

This is futile because no one can predict or control the future, we cannot prepare for every eventuality and in most cases, you must take steps without all the information. All this overthinking and over analysis simply puts us off, wastes our time and holds us back.

3. We fear failure

The shame associated with failure, the embarrassment and the anxiety is stifling and holds us back from so many things. “What if I mess it up? What if I get it wrong? What if it doesn’t work out? What if I must go back to the drawing board? What will other people think of me then (see point 1)?”.

There are so many steps we don’t take and moves we don’t make because we’re just too scared to fail. We take failure personally. We think it means something about us – usually something bad. And so, we’d rather stay away from that. We’d rather hold back and not try, than try and fail in the process – even if that process does lead to eventual success. We cut off our nose to spite our face when it comes to the fear of failure.

4. We lack self-belief

I can’t. I’m not worthy. I’m not good enough. I’m an imposter. I’m not smart enough, confident enough, rich, pretty or tall enough – the list goes on. All this ‘not enoughness’ holds us back from so many things.

The problem is not so much the thoughts but that we let these thoughts stop us. Some people act in spite of their insecurities and as a result they are still successful, they still live fully. But many of us let our insecurities dictate our behaviour, they become the reason we never move forward, they become the excuses we make to justify holding back.

5. We lack vision and direction

Where are you going? This way? That way? Many ways?! Are you darting around lost and confused and forever changing your mind? Now, not all who wander are lost but for many of us, not having a clear vision and direction only serves to make us more confused, more insecure, more trepid and hesitant. And that only makes us hold back even more.

Without a clear vision, we stutter our way through life never making any real progress, except in a few fits and starts. Without clear vision, we hold ourselves back.

It’s time to move forward

Simply being aware that you’ve got these shackles is enough to loosen them. But you can also be more active in taking those shackles off. Here are some ways that you can actively stop holding yourself back in life:

• Choose yourself and follow your own intuition. Rather than seeking everyone’s opinion and approval, try to not worry about what everyone thinks – you’ll never please everybody anyway. Just go for your truth.

• Get comfortable with the unknown. Surrender to it, practise moving forward amidst unpredictability, try it with small things, just take the next step. You don’t need to see the whole path ahead or gather every bit of information. Let things unfold.

• Reframe your relationship with failure. See it as an inevitable step on the path to success and an opportunity to gather data, to grow and learn. Also, don’t take it personally. It happens to everyone.

• Act in spite of your insecurities. You can’t get rid of these doubtful thoughts – even the most successful people still have them. But they don’t have to hold you back. It’s not the thought that matters, it’s the action that drives the result. Just do it.

• Find your north star. Know where you’re headed, create a vision. Instead of living a directionless life, choose what you want and commit, be dedicated and focussed and keep shooting for what you want. Soon, you will hit the target.

And after all that, just consider: why not go all in on life? None of us are getting out of here alive anyway! So, I’m all in. Are you?

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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So, we can see that curiosity has always been with us since childhood because curiosity helps us to better understand the world around us. And this is especially true when we are young and ready for life. You too have probably asked ‘why’ when you were a child. Much to the annoyance of your parents, however, this is something that researchers coin as ‘explanation-seeking curiosity’ (Kidd & Hayden, 2015), this behaviour motivates us to learn about the ‘how’ and ‘why’ of life?

The younger we are the more questions we ask (some of us do this even in old age)! We want to know about the world, we want to explain the world, and when we have an explanation, then we can have exploration, which in turn improves metacognition. When false illusion evaporates, new reality sets in and then we are ready to go from theory to practice, to experience this new knowledge.

Benefits of being curious

If there wasn’t any benefit of being curious, we wouldn’t be curious, we would probably be happy with the world around us, even if we shouldn’t be. Motivated by curiosity, awareness of lexical ignorance may lead us to ask information-seeking questions. For example, do you know how are you when are in Eellogofusciouhipoppokunurious mood? That’s right! Weird word, huh? Even though, this is an (American) English word. Or do you know what did Dragoman do in the past?

The environmental influence and stimulation can greatly impact your choice of career (Gottfried et al., 2016), think of Bill Gates’s interest in business and philanthropy it was because his parents were successful people of affairs that he too became curious about business works. There is evidence that curiosity driven exploration can be as efficient as direct pedagogy for learning (Sim & Xu, 2017.

I consider myself a good example of this one, for instance nobody has ever pushed me to learn to play guitar, but I was very curious about it because I love the way it sounds. And then I just went for it! Moreover, because I was so curious how do chord progression, how to learn to play songs and the process of composing a song that have all helped me memorize better the things I have learned. No wonder why people remember the things they like more efficiently than the things they like the least.

Curiosity boosts memory (Ruggeri et al., 2019). And this is true at all ages, if we could somehow maintain our curiosity at older age, we could rejuvenate our memory as well. This curiosity might just explain why we are having older students in universities nowadays, a ‘hungry mind’ (von Stumm et al., 2011) is responsible for that, we just want to know more.

To be frank, that’s not always the case though, sometimes we go back to study and be a lifelong learner not out of curiosity, but out of anxiety. We don’t have a job, a career and we don’t have financial support. Learning from some kind of existential anxiety is never as good as learning from heartfelt curiosity. But that’s another topic to discuss. Curious people are very welcome in a changing organisation because they welcome new colleagues and new technologies. They are flexible enough to adapt to new plans in a complicated global market (Mussel, 2013) and tend to think out of the box as creative problem solvers and performers (Hardy et al., 2017).

The different faces of curiosity

We have qualitative differences when it comes to curiosity, and curiosity manifests itself in different ways.  Consider the difference between the pleasure of travelling to new places to meet new cultures and new people and refusing to go to sleep before you receive the correct answer to an important question. The second one is a bit prone to anxiety. However, if the question is not a life-threatening existential one but something that makes you busy to search for answers out of heartfelt curiosity, all the while entering into a state of flow, then that still falls under the label of curiosity.

Novelty is looking into something that is new to you, something that you haven’t experienced. For instance, say you are a musician, a guitar player and there is this new guitar processor with all new and fancy effects in it. To you this is new, and you wouldn’t mind at all trying it out at your local music instrument shop. On the other hand, studies suggest that curious people tend to engage in proactive goals (Kashdan et al., 2020), and this behaviour may work as a resource replenishment function. Curious people may have a higher level of engagement and lower level of burnout (Thoman et al., 2011). Also, curiosity is our body’s natural methylphenidate (ADHD medication), which can raise our dopamine levels naturally and can transform the relatively boring part of work into something more stimulating (Wrzesniewski et al., 2013).

I think we all should strive to be curious; it can be said that it is our success to survive, so let’s not neglect the child in us!

Bibliography

Berlyne, D. E. (2006). Conflict, arousal, and curiosity. In Conflict, arousal, and curiosity. https://doi.org/10.1037/11164-000

Donnellan, E., Aslan, S., Fastrich, G. M., & Murayama, K. (2022). How Are Curiosity and Interest Different? Naïve Bayes Classification of People’s Beliefs. In Educational Psychology Review (Vol. 34, Issue 1). https://doi.org/10.1007/s10648-021-09622-9

Gottfried, A. E., Preston, K. S. J., Gottfried, A. W., Oliver, P. H., Delany, D. E., & Ibrahim, S. M. (2016). Pathways from parental stimulation of children’s curiosity to high school science course accomplishments and science career interest and skill. International Journal of Science Education, 38(12). https://doi.org/10.1080/09500693.2016.1220690

Hardy, J. H., Ness, A. M., & Mecca, J. (2017). Outside the box: Epistemic curiosity as a predictor of creative problem solving and creative performance. Personality and Individual Differences, 104. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2016.08.004

Kang, M. J., Hsu, M., Krajbich, I. M., Loewenstein, G., McClure, S. M., Wang, J. T. Y., & Camerer, C. F. (2009). The wick in the candle of learning: Epistemic curiosity activates reward circuitry and enhances memory. Psychological Science, 20(8). https://doi.org/10.1111/j.1467-9280.2009.02402.x

Kashdan, T. B., Goodman, F. R., Disabato, D. J., McKnight, P. E., Kelso, K., & Naughton, C. (2020). Curiosity has comprehensive benefits in the workplace: Developing and validating a multidimensional workplace curiosity scale in United States and German employees. Personality and Individual Differences, 155. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.paid.2019.109717

Kidd, C., & Hayden, B. Y. (2015). The Psychology and Neuroscience of Curiosity. In Neuron (Vol. 88, Issue 3). https://doi.org/10.1016/j.neuron.2015.09.010

Mussel, P. (2013). Introducing the construct curiosity for predicting job performance. Journal of Organizational Behavior, 34(4). https://doi.org/10.1002/job.1809

Ruggeri, A., Markant, D. B., Gureckis, T. M., Bretzke, M., & Xu, F. (2019). Memory enhancements from active control of learning emerge across development. Cognition, 186. https://doi.org/10.1016/j.cognition.2019.01.010

Sim, Z. L., & Xu, F. (2017). Learning higher-order generalizations through free play: Evidence from 2- and 3-year-old children. Developmental Psychology, 53(4). https://doi.org/10.1037/dev0000278

Thoman, D. B., Smith, J. L., & Silvia, P. J. (2011). The resource replenishment function of interest. In Social Psychological and Personality Science (Vol. 2, Issue 6). https://doi.org/10.1177/1948550611402521

von Stumm, S., Hell, B., & Chamorro-Premuzic, T. (2011). The hungry mind: Intellectual curiosity is the third pillar of academic performance. Perspectives on Psychological Science, 6(6). https://doi.org/10.1177/1745691611421204

Wrzesniewski, A., Lobuglio, N., Dutton, J. E., & Berg, J. M. (2013). Job crafting and cultivating positive meaning and identity in work. Advances in Positive Organizational Psychology, 1. https://doi.org/10.1108/S2046-410X(2013)0000001015

Read more about Roland Majla and his other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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Our daily lives are not for relaxing. Relaxing can’t be a core part of how we live, it can’t be part of our daily experience. Or can it? Can relaxation be a way of life? I think that not only can relaxation be a way of life, but it can be a very effective way of life.

You see, relaxing doesn’t mean being lazy, it doesn’t mean being inactive – maybe that’s why we see it as a ‘one-off thing to do’ because we associate it with stopping and doing nothing. But relaxing isn’t just about stopping and resting, it isn’t just a beach holiday or a sofa Sunday – in fact, plenty of people could be in those situations and still not be relaxed! Because relaxation is in fact, a state of mind. Relaxing is about how you are on the inside. It’s less about what you are doing and more about who you are being. It’s how you carry yourself and navigate each day.

The benefits of relaxing

When we think about relaxation as a way of being, a way of navigating life, the origins of the word are helpful. To relax is to ‘loosen’ and ‘soften’. So, can you be softer, can you be looser, mentally, emotionally, and physically? Can you embody this, no matter what is going on around you?

When we carry ourselves with softness and looseness, we are more flexible, adaptable, and resilient. We can bend ourselves around challenges and changes, we can melt into our experiences rather than bashing up against them – which is what happens when we’re stressed, rigid, and constricted.

When we are relaxed, we still get challenges and experience tensions, but we are more adept at handling them. Everyone gravitates to the calmest person in a crisis because we know deep down that this is the person who’s going to get us out of it, not the person who’s in a flap!

I often get my best creative ideas when I’m in a relaxed state, when I’m falling asleep or in the shower. Being relaxed enables our full brain to function, whereas being stressed shuts down the advanced parts of our brain. That’s why people with chronic stress, anxiety or depression experience memory loss and brain fog. Being stressed also wreaks havoc with our physical health, it increases our blood pressure, raises our heart rate, and shuts down our immune and digestive systems. All manner of illnesses results from this.

Relaxation returns our brain and body to a healthy state. We get much better results when we’re fully functioning, healthy, and calm. We also enjoy life a lot more.

Here are some ways you can bring more relaxation into your life.

Slow down

What’s the rush? Is life a race? Who are you racing? What’s the finish line? When you get there, then what?

If you ponder these questions, you may realise the futility of rushing your way through life. If we’re not rushing in the physical world, it’s our minds that are racing. Constantly trying to get ‘somewhere’. But we never really get there – otherwise when we get there, we’d relax. But we never relax so obviously, we never get there! What a paradox.

Just.

Slow.

Down.

Learn to take your time. Pull back from the illusory race. Be slow. Be soft.

Be the little tortoise gently crawling along in its own time, be the floating bubble that softly wafts through the air. Imagine something that signifies slowness and softness to you and embody the energy of that thing. Try it now, sit with that energy. What do you experience? Hopefully, a much more relaxed state. Can you carry this with you in your daily life?

Take it step by step

When we’re rushing through life we trip over our own feet. Trying to run before we can walk, trying to know every single step on the long path ahead, trying to control it, to predict it.

To be more relaxed, just focus on putting one foot in front of the other. That’s all. There is no other way through life, to be honest. If you were to walk down the street, how would you get there other than by taking one step at a time? Sure, we might take a few leaps and jumps here and there, some steps may be bigger than others – but still, you just take one step at a time.

Focus on the step that is in front of you and take it. Don’t think about the one after it, or the one after that. Just be present, here, and now. What is the obvious next action? Just one phone call, just one healthy lunch, just one conversation, or maybe nothing at all. Just do this next step and only after that, look at the next one. Try this out and see what happens.

Don’t be so serious

The biggest nail in the coffin of relaxation is being so serious!

Is everything really that serious, that important? Really? Seriousness equals stress. OK sure, there are some things that are serious but for the most part, for most people, what we face in our daily lives is not that serious. Is someone going to die if we don’t send that admin email on time? If someone doesn’t like the meal I cooked, is the world over? Will my entire business fail if one client rejects my offer? No. So, perhaps it’s not that serious after all.

Stand back and see the bigger picture. Don’t make mountains out of molehills. We’re on a rock, in space, spinning at over 500km per second, circling a huge ball of fire. With that in mind, what could really be that serious? Maintain perspective and loosen up!

Don’t forget to laugh

Laughter is good for the mind, body, and soul. It loosens and softens every aspect of our being. It diffuses so much unnecessary and unhelpful psychological and emotional stress. When was the last time you had a really good laugh? I’ll be honest, I don’t do it often – because I take life too seriously! I know I’m the one giving you tips but they say we teach others what we most need to learn, and I am absolutely doing that right now! This is my journey.

So, find something that makes you giggle. Maybe you can even have a chuckle at yourself.

I have been relaxing more recently and simple things like slowing down and taking one step at a time have been the most pivotal. I catch myself when I’m running ahead in my mind or actions, and I stop. The more I do this, the easier it becomes, and I hope it will soon become habitual. Because, when I’m relaxed I feel better, I perform better and I’m more creative. I’m happier, healthier, better to be around and I spread better energy to those around me too. It’s a win-win.

I hope you try out some of these tips, and do share with me in the comments what helps you to loosen up in life?

Read more about Pinky Jangra and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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It’s traditional on New Year’s Eve to make New Year’s resolutions. People promise themselves they will lose weight, drink less, quit smoking or start exercising. If they are lucky, they might keep up their new year’s resolutions for a couple of weeks before they run out of steam. Some people will succeed, but many people fail. Why is it so hard to create new habits and even harder to break old ones?

The usefulness of habits

Every morning I take my dog for a walk. Sometimes we go out with friends and do different walks, but most of the time we do a familiar loop from our house. We walk out of our house, across the road, around the field then back up the hill and home. It’s so familiar I don’t have to think about it. Once I get started it’s easy and effortless and I can think about something else – what I’m going to be doing that day, enjoy just looking at the scenery or whatever takes my fancy.

Even the dog knows that when we reach the field we normally loop around to the right. Just occasionally I will make a conscious decision to break out of the loop and do something different, but that takes thought and effort, and the default is to walk the normal route. The downside of this is it can be a bit boring. If I make an effort to go somewhere new, then it’s generally more enjoyable walking somewhere different. So why do I do this?

Because it’s easy. The dog needs walking and it’s the easiest way to get the job done. At each point on the walk, I don’t have to make a conscious decision whether to turn left or right because I’ve done it so many times before, it’s automatic. I have created a habit, which means as I walk, I can think about something else.

Our brains have so much information to process, that they need to prioritize. Our brains routinely offload decision-making and processing into a routine that becomes a habit and is dealt with by the subconscious, then it allows the conscious part of the brain to focus on the things that are important. If we had to consciously make decisions about every tiny little thing, all of the time, it would tire us out or overwhelm us. Think of the first day in a new job. When everything is new and unfamiliar it’s exhausting. Or a baby learning to walk – before its routine, it’s a huge effort. Habits are useful to us because they allow our brains to be efficient, offloading routine tasks to the subconscious and allowing the conscious brain to do the important stuff.

How do habits work?

The key to making or breaking habits is to understand how they work. When a habit has been created, the brain automatically responds to a cue or trigger with a physical, mental, or emotional response – a pattern of behaviour that has become routine. That behaviour then culminates in a reward of some type, which makes us feel good, which feeds back to the brain, and the habit becomes more embedded.

For example, I see a packet of Cadbury’s Mini Eggs, I tear them open and crunch on the delicious chocolatey eggs. My brain gets a little dopamine hit to say that was good! (Dopamine is the hormone associated with reward). Next time I see Mini Eggs, I’m programmed to respond. By the time I’ve been through the cycle a few times, just thinking about Mini Eggs starts me salivating, much like one of Pavlov’s dogs.

Creating new habits

So, if (some!) habits are useful then we need to know how to create new ones. As everyone who’s made a New Year’s resolution and not managed to keep it knows, it’s not always that easy. The more we repeat something, the deeper entrenched becomes that habit, in the same way as the path around the field gets deeper every time the dog and I walk around it, but how do we start the process?

Pick a goal that matters to YOU

Firstly, we are more likely to succeed if what we are trying to achieve matters to us, and we like doing it. This is called intrinsic motivation. If we decide to start exercising because we want to become healthier, and we chose dancing because we like dancing, every time we go dancing, we will enjoy it and that will feedback to reinforce the behaviour. If we do something that we don’t really want to do to gain approval from others this won’t reinforce the habit in the same way.

Start small and make it easy

The best piece of advice I’ve ever heard about how to start running, was to promise yourself that you would put on your running shoes and step outside the front door. By making the first step really simple, it’s easy to succeed.  Having got that far, the chances are that you will start jogging down the road. The next day you might run a little further – or maybe some days you will run a little less. But it doesn’t matter – you’re making progress, and every time you do, you are reinforcing that habit.

Plan ahead and use cues

It’s not quite enough to decide to do something. We also need to decide when we are going to do something and link it to a cue for it to become a habit. So, if I want to start running, I need to work out when I’m going to do it and try to use a cue to trigger that behaviour. If I decide to run in the morning, I can get my running stuff out the night before – then in the morning when I wake up, seeing it there will cue my new routine of putting on my shoes and getting out the door.

Habit stacking

Another way to use cues is to ‘habit stack’ – add something onto something that you do already. Rangan Chatterjee suggests using the time whilst the kettle boils to do a few squats or push-ups against the kitchen counter. By adding a tiny bit of exercise in as a new habit in this way, if you drink as much tea as we do in our house, you will soon be fit!

What about breaking bad habits?

Breaking old habits is harder than making new ones, as they are already ingrained in our brains. The trick here is to use our knowledge of the habit loop to stop the old behaviour happening.

Change your environment to avoid cues that trigger the behaviour you are trying to stop

If you want to lose weight and you love biscuits, don’t keep them on the worktop. Put them in a cupboard out of sight, on a high shelf, or don’t buy them at all. It sounds obvious, but it works! Remember our brains are lazy and that’s good – so don’t make them work to resist temptation, keep temptation out the way.

Think ahead and find a new behaviour to substitute for the old one

We can keep biscuits out of reach, but we can’t rid the world of biscuits, so what happens when we get that cookie craving. Firstly, we need to understand what that craving is really about. Are we hungry, or bored? Could we substitute a different behaviour instead? Eat an apple or an oatcake? Or drink a glass of water? Walk round the garden or go talk to someone for ten minutes?

Experiment with different behaviours to see what works for you. This is your chance to be creative! Once you’ve found something that works for you, build it into a new habit to replace the old.

Involve other people

We are social creatures, and we don’t like to lose face. If we publicly declare an intention, we are more likely to fulfil it. But pick your supporters wisely, share your intentions with people who will support you and cheer you on your way, not sabotage your good intentions. Finding other like-minded people to support you, particularly if you are trying to build up to a big change is really important. Everyone know that to lose weight you need to eat less, but slimming clubs are popular because they provide that mutual support that makes a difference.

Believe that you will succeed

Again, this sounds obvious, but it’s important. Addiction programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous require a commitment to God or a higher power. Researchers investigating why this was important found that the importance wasn’t so much a belief in God, but a belief that things could change. This is another reason why support groups are so valuable – if you surround yourself by people who have changed and who have struggled to do so, you can believe that it is possible, that you can change too.

Complex problems will require multiple solutions – start small and build up

If we want to change something big, it isn’t going to happen overnight. Going all out for change can backfire if we don’t feel like we’re making progress and starting lots of new habits at once might be overwhelming. But by taking small steps and celebrating each success, we can build up to something big. Pick one thing, make it simple and start. When that new habit is embedded, move onto the next.

Always, always be kind to yourself

Remember, your brain is lazy, and it’s designed like that to be efficient. When we slip back into bad habits, it’s just our brain going into automatic and running that old routine. When that happens, don’t beat yourself up, it happens to everyone. Just give your lazy brain a bit of a talking to, then get it to help you work out how to get back on track. What went wrong? Was it a trigger that you could have avoided? Or is there more you can do to work on new alternative behaviours? Little steps, just keep going.

When you succeed, celebrate your success

Celebrate the success of each tiny new habit. Pat yourself on the back. Tell a friend. Keep going with that habit until it becomes routine. Understanding how the habit loop works has allowed you to make or break a habit, now you have the fun of deciding what to tackle next!

Further Reading:

There are some excellent books on the subject of habits, with lots of great stories to illustrate their points.

“The Power of Habit” by Charles Duhigg

“Atomic Habits” by James Clear – I haven’t yet read this, but it has excellent reviews and looks to cover much of the same ground.

If you prefer podcasts, Rangan Chatterjee’s “Feel Better, Live More” series of podcasts feature many interesting interviews about healthy lifestyles, including a recent interview with James Clear. https://drchatterjee.com/how-to-build-good-habits-and-break-bad-ones-with-james-clear/

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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There are many lessons to be learnt in life. Some take longer than others to master. For me, one of the hardest is patience. Patience is a nemesis that I still have to conquer. You could say that I am impatient to become the King of patience. The question is why am I like it?

Woodwork Class

I can vividly remember a time at school during a woodwork class. I was about seven years old and we had to carve a head out of a block of wood. My brother had already done this two years before, when he was seven. It was a great piece with clearly detailed features and was proudly displayed in the lounge by our parents. Now, woodwork did not appeal to me in the slightest but nevertheless, I set to work on the task in hand. I can’t remember how long it took me, before I proudly said to the teacher that I had finished. Well, his response when he saw my extremely minimalistic piece, was to ask what was my hurry and state that it was not a competition! My sense of achievement quickly became a sense of failure. Of course he was absolutely right and it didn’t take long for me to get that but I didn’t put much effort into improving my piece.

Into the future

Fast forward forty years and I am still very much in a hurry in certain scenarios, causing me uncomfortable reflection about this trait of mine. Recently, I was doing my annual exams for my cabin crew role. I have always put pressure on myself to do well in these assessments and for many years had a 100% pass record. When I dropped below that level for the first time, I was extremely upset and took a few weeks to get my head around it not being the end of the world. This year the structure of the exams changed and despite my preparations I failed one of them for the first time. One question was a silly mistake, the other two I could see why I had got them wrong and in fact one question was subsequently rewritten. However, the truth of the matter is I wanted to grade my exam so that it was over and didn’t take the time to check my answers. If I had reviewed my answers, I would have seen my mistakes and saved myself the sense of mortification and embarrassment of failing.

Seeing the pattern

So what is my hurry? I am starting to see a pattern. If it is something that I don’t enjoy such as woodwork, DIY, car maintenance or cleaning then I rush the task. If it’s something that makes me nervous or has an element of dread, such as exams and assessments, I seem to pick up the speed of a freight train and go at it like a bull in a china shop. I’m just not comfortable with being uncomfortable. But it’s not just things that I don’t enjoy. I love to read books and am not daunted by a hefty tome. For as long as I can remember, I have always monitored how many pages of the book I have left to read, whether it be a fifty page or five-hundred-page book. I can remember reading The Lord of the Rings by J R R Tolkien at the same time as a friend of mine. We would compare daily with what page we were on and naturally this developed into a competition as to who would finish the book first. I don’t recall who did finish first, but I do remember not having much of a clue about what happened in the story because I scanned rather than read without allowing my imagination a chance to absorb the author’s words. Again, I can link that to early school reports stating that my reading capability was two years above my age group, both in language and speed. My fellow classmates had similar reports and of course we all exaggerated what was said in our individual ones. Being one of four children meant living in a competitive environment, particularly with my older brother. I was a terribly sore loser which my family delighted in antagonising me with, which only stimulated my competitiveness in everything I did.

In retrospect

As I grow older, I am beginning to learn the art of patience. I am so much better than I used to be but am still making rookie mistakes. It’s so easy to get caught up in the fast-paced rat race of life. Competition is healthy as long as one understands you can’t always be the winner but that you will always gain something from the experience. Even patience has its limit though. It’s important to be realistic. All the patience in the world will not influence something you desire to happen if you are on the wrong path to that goal. I guess it’s all about balance and the much sought after equilibrium we all seek in our lives.

About the author: Stuart Dickson’s passion for personal development began in September 2013, when he joined a Network Marketing Company.  Part of his development is increasing his spirituality and the many ways of doing this.  His first blog, Happy Monday People was born from a project that came about from his personal development journey facebook.com/Happylifepeople

‘We Are the Positive Psychology People’

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We live in a fast-changing world. We all feel it. Technology evolves at a high speed and it seems the challenges get more difficult by the day. In order to cope, we work harder and faster. We seem to be stuck in fast forward.

Getting caught in the fast lane

Especially in a business environment, we are told that slowing down is not an option. We believe that increasing the speed at which we do business and lead our lives will maximize performance and productivity.

The current technology allows us to communicate instantly and easily. We all want our emails to be answered immediately and our problems to be solved on the spot. When we get home from work we are again bombarded by notifications like Facebook, Whatsapp, Linkedin, Instagram, ….

However, speeding up is not the answer. It might even make things more complex because it consumes more energy. And in a best-case scenario, it will only solve part of the challenge.

Getting more done

As human beings, we are not built to live like that. Our brain needs a break now and then. We need time to rest, process thoughts and make founded decisions.

When we slow down we can actually get more done. We use less energy which allows us to go deeper and faster into achieving our goals. We will become more efficient, productive, resilient and happy. Our brain will become more focused and better at learning new skills. It will also be more effective in dealing with increased complexity and challenges. Slowing down allows us to notice more, make more connections and engage more with our own feelings.

Research

A Harvard Business Review study (2010) showed that “companies that embraced initiatives and chose to go, go, go to try to gain an edge ended up with lower sales and operating profits than those that paused at key moments to make sure they were on the right track. What’s more, the firms that “slowed down to speed up” improved their top and bottom lines, averaging 40% higher sales and 52% higher operating profits over a three-year period.”

This study showed that it is about taking the long view. Instead of just thinking about the profits for this quarter, look at the long-term impact and profits and how these affect people and business.

Sometimes we need to slow down in taking our decision. We need to take the time to gather all the facts and consider all the options before following through with a well-formed plan.

5 tips to slow down

• Listen, don’t talk. Listen actively, without thinking about the response you want to give. True listening will build stronger relationships with your team and result in more engagement.
• Disconnect your device. Set aside time on your calendar to get unplugged and use that time to focus on your priorities and goals.
• Clear your mind and stay in the present moment: be mindful. Disconnecting from the daily to do’s can provide opportunities to step back and come up with new and creative ideas. Being mindful at work means to be consciously present in what you are doing, while you are doing it, and in the meantime, manage your mental and emotional state. Whatever you do, being in a meeting, preparing a presentation or writing a report, mindfulness requires you to give your full attention.
• Be grateful. Show gratitude to your team members and colleagues. And I don’t mean just a ‘great job’ or ‘well done’. Make is specific. It does not have to be too big, but authentic.
• Accept that your challenges are complex but trust that solutions are always available. It only requires that we be conscious enough to see them. If something does not work, try something else. Use the strengths of yourself, your team and your colleagues to come up with new ideas and options.

Slowing down will help us to think more clearly, plan more effectively and think big enough to see new opportunities that guide us to higher highs.

A good place to start is to just breath. Focus your attention on your breath, even if it is just for a few minutes. You cannot breathe yesterday, you cannot breathe tomorrow, you can only breathe now, in the present……….

About the author: Inge Beckers

Dutch Translation

Vertragen om te versnellen

We leven in een snel veranderende wereld. We voelen het allemaal. De technologie evolueert met hoge snelheid en het lijkt erop dat de uitdagingen met de dag moeilijker worden. Om te proberen hiermee om te gaan lijken we steeds harder en sneller te werken. We lijken vast te zitten in de fast forward modus.

Vastzitten op de snelweg

Vooral in een zakelijke omgeving wordt ons verteld dat vertragen geen optie is. Wij geloven dat het verhogen van de snelheid waarmee we zaken doen en ons leven leiden, de prestaties en productiviteit zal maximaliseren.

De huidige technologie stelt ons in staat om direct en gemakkelijk te communiceren. We willen allemaal dat onze e-mails onmiddellijk worden beantwoord en onze problemen ter plaatse worden opgelost. En als we thuiskomen van het werk worden we opnieuw gebombardeerd door meldingen van Facebook, Whatsap, Linkedin, Instagram, ….

Versnellen is echter niet het antwoord. Het kan de dingen zelfs complexer maken omdat het meer energie verbruikt. En in het beste geval zal het slechts een deel van het probleem oplossen.

Meer gedaan krijgen

Als menselijke wezens zijn we niet gebouwd om zo te leven. Onze hersenen hebben af ​​en toe een pauze nodig. We hebben tijd nodig om te rusten, gedachten te verwerken en gefundeerde beslissingen te nemen.

Als we langzamer gaan werken, kunnen we daadwerkelijk meer gedaan krijgen. We gebruiken minder energie waardoor we dieper en sneller onze doelen kunnen bereiken. We zullen efficiënter, productiever, veerkrachtiger en gelukkiger worden. Onze hersenen zullen meer gefocust zijn en beter worden in het leren van nieuwe vaardigheden. Deze aanpak kan ons helpen omgaan met de toegenomen complexiteit en uitdagingen. Door te vertragen kunnen we meer opmerken, meer verbindingen leggen en meer betrokken raken bij onze eigen gevoelens.

Onderzoek

Een onderzoek van Harvard Business Review (2010) toonde aan dat “bedrijven die steeds sneller willen werken en evolueren  en een snel-snel-snel mindset omarmden uiteindelijk lagere verkoop- en bedrijfswinst behaalden dan bedrijven die pauzeerden op belangrijke momenten om er zeker van te zijn de juiste weg te kiezen. Wat meer is, de bedrijven die “vertraagden om te versnellen” verbeterden hun top- en bottom-line, hadden gemiddeld 40% hogere omzet en 52% hogere operationele winst over een periode van drie jaar. ”

Deze studie toonde aan dat het gaat om de lange termijn visie. In plaats van alleen na te denken over de winst voor dit kwartaal, zou men beter kijken naar de impact en winst op de lange termijn en hoe die van invloed zijn op mensen en bedrijven.

Soms moeten we onze beslissing vertragen. We moeten de tijd nemen om alle feiten te verzamelen en alle opties te overwegen voordat we een goed geformuleerd plan doorlopen.

5 tips om te vertragen

• Luister, praat niet. Luister actief, zonder al te zitten denken over de reactie die je wilt geven. Echt luisteren zal sterkere relaties met jouw team opbouwen en resulteren in meer betrokkenheid.
• Las detox momenten in. Maak tijd vrij in je agenda om de stekker uit het stopcontact te halen en gebruik die tijd om je te concentreren op je prioriteiten en doelen.
• Maak je geest leeg en blijf in het huidige moment: wees mindful. Het loskoppelen van de dagelijkse bezigheden kan kansen bieden om een ​​stap terug te doen en nieuwe en creatieve ideeën te bedenken. Aandachtig zijn op het werk betekent bewust aanwezig zijn in wat je doet, terwijl je het doet, en ondertussen je mentale en emotionele toestand beheren. Wat je ook doet, in een vergadering zijn, een presentatie voorbereiden of een rapport schrijven, mindfulness vereist dat je je volledige aandacht schenkt.
• Wees dankbaar. Toon dankbaarheid aan je teamleden en collega’s. En dan bedoel ik niet alleen ‘goed gedaan’. Maak het specifiek. Het hoeft niet te groot te zijn, maar wel authentiek.
• Accepteer dat je uitdagingen complex zijn, maar vertrouw erop dat er altijd een oplossing is. Het vereist alleen dat we bewust genoeg zijn om ze te zien. Als iets niet werkt, probeer dan iets anders. Gebruik de sterke punten van jezelf, je team en je collega’s om nieuwe ideeën en opties te bedenken.

Vertraging zal ons helpen om duidelijker te denken, effectiever te plannen en groot genoeg te denken om nieuwe kansen te zien die ons naar hogere hoogtepunten leiden.

Een goede plek om te beginnen is om gewoon te ademen. Richt je aandacht op je ademhaling, zelfs al is het maar voor een paar minuten. Je kan niet gisteren ademen, je kan niet morgen ademen, je kan alleen nu ademen, in het heden ……….

References:

Davis, J.R. & Atkinson, T. (2010). Need speed? Slow down. Harvard Business Review.https://hbr.org/2010/05/need-speed-slow-down

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A Navy Seal’s point of view

On May 17 2014, Admiral William H. Raven delivered the commencement address to the graduates of The University of Texas at Austin.  In this now famous speech, he talks about the importance of making your bed every day and how such a simple action can ‘change the world’.  He describes his basic SEAL training experience and that every morning there would be an inspection of their beds carried out by Vietnam veterans.  For him ‘It was a simple task — mundane at best. But every morning we were required to make our bed to perfection. It seemed a little ridiculous at the time, particularly in light of the fact that were aspiring to be real warriors, tough battle-hardened SEALs, but the wisdom of this simple act has been proven to me many times over.’

The benefits

At British Airways, we have hallmarks.  One of which is to ‘Set The Tone’.  Making your bed at the start of the day does exactly that.  It is the first task of the day, simple and quick to do, unless you want an elaborate display of pillows and throws in the design of a stylish magazine photo shoot!  It’s a great way to start on that to do list, whether it is a mental or written one.  It gives a sense of achievement and pride within the first few minutes of your day.  A frequently coined phrase is the state of your bed is the state of your head; is it cluttered or not?

There are several references on the Internet; to a survey by Hunch.com I am unable to find the actual survey results.  However, according to their survey of 68,000 people, 59 percent of people don’t make their beds, while 27 percent do. The other 12 percent pay someone to do it for them. Of the Hunch.com survey respondents, 71 percent of bed makers say they are happy, while 62 percent of non-bed makers consider themselves unhappy.  So you could say that making your bed leads to positivity and productivity.

What if I don’t do it?

For all the articles and research on the benefits of making your bed, you will find the opposing arguments for doing it.  Scientists claim that making your bed will trap all the dust mites and dead skin cells in your bedding, keeping the mites alive who would otherwise die by drying out in the light of day.  This is not good for people with breathing conditions such as asthma.  It’s a case of mental health versus physiological well-being.  I believe you can have the best of both worlds by neatly pulling back the duvet, sheets or blankets back on themselves to allow the bottom sheet to breathe and killing off those pesky dust mites.  I would consider that to still be making your bed!

Another consideration is of course that we are all wired differently.  There will be many people who don’t make their bed in the morning, but it doesn’t stop them from achievement in their personal and work lives.  Some will thrive on the clutter in their world and may even see it as a security blanket, reassurance that all is well.  Not everyone feels anxiety through disorder.  Besides, who is going to see the unmade bed most of the time?

To make or not to make

Ultimately, there is no right or wrong.  It’s a personal choice whether to make your bed or not.  I know what works for me and don’t plan to change my daily habit.  Whatever your choice may be, I know for sure that we all love our beds and should be happy with them, made or unmad

About the author: Stuart Dickson

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