In the last couple of decades, research into happiness and wellbeing has shown that consciously choosing to participate in certain activities (sometimes called positive psychology interventions) can have a positive effect on our mood, increasing our happiness, optimism, and sense of wellbeing. One such simple intervention is keeping a ‘gratitude journal’ – the practice of writing down things that we feel grateful for, on a regular basis.

When considering activities that might increase wellbeing, different people might be drawn to different type of activities – there is no ‘one size fits all’ in positive psychology, however, gratitude journaling is a particular favourite of mine. It is something I have found to be simple and effective, and in my master’s research project on gratitude journaling, I found that most participants who volunteered to take part enjoyed the process and found it rewarding.

How do I go about gratitude journaling?

It’s easy – just find a notebook or sheet of paper and each day set aside a few minutes to think about what you are grateful for, then jot it down. I keep my journal by my bed and often write before I go to sleep, which has the added benefit that I end my day thinking about something positive. I normally aim for three things, some days I’ve had a great day and more things come to mind. What I’ve found, is that if you keep it up for a couple of weeks, you gradually become more attuned to the positive and it becomes easier to think of things to write.

What should I write about?

Whatever matters to you! I often write about things that I have done that I have enjoyed. For example, I’ve had a dog walk in the woods with a friend – I am grateful that we had time to walk and talk, that we live in a beautiful part of the country and that the sun was shining. Other days when things aren’t so good, I try to look for the silver linings. Maybe it was a bad day, but it could have been worse. Or maybe I am grateful for the things I often take for granted – a roof over my head, running water, food in the fridge.

Sometimes we feel gratitude to a particular person, but sometimes it’s a more general feeling. We can be grateful for the things we have, grateful to be alive, grateful to witness a beautiful sunset or the view from the top of a mountain. In my research project, many people commented that nature was something that inspired gratitude, and other research has shown that gratitude can be triggered by experiences of awe, such as a virtual spacewalk.

When thinking about what to write, the most important thing is that you choose what really matters to YOU, not what you think you ‘should’ feel grateful for. Maybe you have had a dreadful day, in which case trying smother negative feelings with false positivity really isn’t going to help. You can feel upset, or angry, or sad – it’s perfectly OK to feel negative emotions – that’s part of life and something we can’t escape from. But alongside those thoughts and feelings, we can look for the little glimmers of light that give us hope and comfort when times are bad.

Do I need to journal every day?

No – it might be best to mix it up a bit. Research has shown that it might be better to journal once a week, or more regularly for a short length of time as a way of helping you look at things differently – it may be if you keep at it for too long that it you become stale and it becomes a chore, which may be counterproductive. When I’ve journaled, I’ve generally kept it up for a few weeks and found that it improved my mood and helped me look at the world more positively. During that time, I would try to write every day, but wouldn’t worry if I missed some days. Now I don’t journal every day, but I often pick up my journal either when I’ve had a particularly good day and want to remember it, or if I’ve had a bad day and want to try and focus on something positive before I go to sleep.

Having said that you don’t need to journal daily, there are many people who do write daily and say that it helps them stay positive and keep things in perspective. From my own experience, I would say that the act of journaling for a few weeks makes you tune into that which is positive, and then you continue to notice things that you are grateful for even when you stop. When I feel I need another boost of positivity, I start journaling again.

What if I don’t like writing things down?

Writing things down is particularly good as it helps us to process things in a way that can be more productive than just thinking about them. For example, at school, remember that your teachers told you to write revision notes? That’s because writing things down helps your brain process things and remember them. But it’s also important you find a method that works for you – so if you would rather type into your phone, or just find a regular time each day to think about what you feel grateful for, that’s OK too. (A top tip here is to piggyback onto another habit, such as every time you brush your teeth at night.)

So what’s the point of all this? What’s so good about gratitude?

Firstly, when we feel genuinely grateful, it feels good. (And feeling good is good for us in many other ways.) If you think about how a friend been kind to you, it makes you feel loved and appreciated and strengthens that bond. Kindness from a stranger also feels great, strengthening our faith in humanity. However gratitude is triggered, if we feel grateful, we are more likely to be kind to others too.

Feeling grateful to a particular person is a common form of gratitude, but gratitude is much broader than that. If we draw our attention to the good things that we have, or that we experience, then we focus on the positive and this can stop us from dwelling on what we don’t have and put things into perspective. Gratitude also helps us savour the good things in life, which increases our appreciation and enjoyment of them, and gives rise to more positive feelings.

In my master’s research project, I asked people to keep a gratitude journal for a week and tested them before and afterwards for optimism and psychological wellbeing. There was a significant increase in the average scores of both measures after just one week of journaling.  I found it particularly interesting how much the optimism scores had increased – supporting the idea that practising gratitude can help you reprogram your mind into a more positive and optimistic outlook.

Another surprising finding was that the participants’ measure of autonomy had increased – this is a measurement of our confidence in our own opinions and our ability to be independent of social pressures and concerns about what other people think. It may be that by practising gratitude in this way we are focussing on our core values and what is important to us, making us more confident in our own values and less likely to be influenced by others. An increase in gratitude has been linked with a decrease in materialism, and this may be the mechanism by which this works – we are focussing on being appreciative for what matters to us, not what the latest advert says that we should want.

A final point – reread your journal from time to time.

The first time I started journaling, after several weeks I sat down and read everything I had written,  I found it quite enlightening. Firstly, it made me feel positive, revisiting all the good stuff I had experienced over the previous few weeks, but more than that, it helped me shine a light on what really made me happy. About 1/3 of my entries were along the lines of “Met (insert friend’s name) for a chat and a walk/cup of tea”.

It made me realise that my favourite bit of the day was often just that, meeting a friend and talking face to face for a while. I also realised that most of the things I most enjoyed didn’t cost anything – or if they did the cost was more about enabling some event (like catching a train to London to explore), rather than spending money on something directly (like buying clothes or some other material purchase).  I found that quite reassuring in the sense that it made me realise that the things that were important to me would always be there, even if money was tight.  So, after you have journaled for a few weeks, read back over what you’ve written and see what you can learn about what is important to you.

So what are you waiting for – give it a go!

If you haven’t tried a gratitude journal before, now you know what it’s all about!  Pick up a pen today and try it out. Experiment with what works for you and see what you can learn about yourself along the way. Hopefully, it will make your bright days seem brighter, and on gloomy days it will illuminate the silver linings in the clouds.

Read more about Sarah Cramoysan and her other articles HERE

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The Pandemic has refocused our lives.  The restrictions have created a different way of living, a new perspective and reflection process.  For some of us, the treadmill of life has slowed down, for some, it has stopped completely and for some new ways of working.  The family dynamics have altered as social distancing and staying within the family home and not mixing is in place.  The sense of loss is felt in several areas of life, it can be through the death of loved ones, a loss of the workplace environment as furlough schemes and working from home increases and the loss of physical face to face contact with loved ones as we move to virtual meetups to stay in contact.  The loss of identity and lifestyles as life changes.  Even though there is an understanding of why this has had to happen, the uncertainty can be overwhelming.

The How of Happiness

In Sonja Lyubomirsky’s book ‘The How of Happiness’ (2010), she offers lots of activities that you can apply to your life to increase and sustain happiness in your life.  It is at times like this during the pandemic when things sometimes feel difficult, that taking some action can help cultivate positive thinking, motivation and a sense of faith.

The one I have found powerful at this time is expressing gratitude.  I am a secondary school teacher and the changes made to Education have been tough.  These changes are essential but working within an industry already known for excessive stress and burnout rates, the pressure has increased and to stop it imploding on my mental health as a negative effect, I have implemented certain strategies to help maintain my well-being.  Expressing gratitude is something that I already applied in my life, but I have given it a daily presence.  Lyubomirsky states that gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions.  It is a sense of thankfulness and appreciation for life.

Gratitude in the present moment

By focusing on gratitude, it allows you to be in the present moment, somewhere that the past and the future does not reside in.  Lyubomirsky states people who are consistently grateful have been found to be relatively happier, more energetic and more hopeful and to report experiencing more frequent positive emotions.  It is for this reason that I have increased the amount of Gratitude I use in my life.  The pressure is high offering the conditions for burnout.  Therefore, the need to cultivate more well-being interventions in my life.  When time is precious it so easy to not have enough time for everything and I am used to putting on hold those things that actually help create positive mental health, like exercise, taking walks in nature, taking regular breaks and the list goes on.  This time I made sure that I kept all these important things in my life, as so many changes were happening, I knew it was very important to do whatever I can to ensure I enhanced positivity into my life, so I could still turn up for my students with that brightness they deserve.

Gratitude Journal

I keep a gratitude journal and write all the things that I am thankful for each day.  It is good for refocusing the mind on the good side of life.  It doesn’t mean that you ignore the uncomfortable parts of life, but it helps you remain a balanced view of life.  Lyubomirsky states when a person is more inclined to gratitude, the less likely she or he is to be depressed, anxious and lonely.  Now, this gratitude journal does not transform you overnight.  It is a process.  It happens over time.  It needs to be a consistent process, a skill developed daily for optimum results.  It is like going to the gym weekly to sustain and improve your physical health. Your mental health needs to be treated the same.  It does not just work itself into a positive trajectory.  Mental Well-being needs to be nurtured, cultivated and embedded into your lifestyle.  It does not mean you are bulletproof to the adversities of life, but it does help build resilience, positive emotions and more mindfulness into your life.

Every day there is something to be grateful for.  It might not always be the big stuff, but the smaller ones.  These smaller ones happen every day and even though some days are tougher than others, these small moments of gratitude have a big impact.

Read more about Kelly Seaward-Ding and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The children are all grown now. The house is not a home. There are no loud voices. The mysteries all are gone. The expectation of gifts. The pending anticipation. A melancholy has settled. There is no revelation.

I don’t want to buy a present. I don’t want to be in a mall. I am tired of the oversell. I’m weary of it all. I tried to hold the magic. For so very long. No stockings will be hung. Something clicked. That is all.

The gift was too big to wrap. The payment too steep a climb. For so many years, a house was on the list. See, yesteryear was hard for us. Harder than you know. Everything was taken, everything was gone. So in my truest steadfastness, after I lost it all. I had one vision, one goal.

To gain it back before they grew, to the point where they’re not here. I have another house now. Five years and many tears.

Life has a sense of humor. It tested my endurance. While my children were still young enough, my life? It fell apart. House and home, security, the table of abundance, the companions at our feet.

Gone with my sense of hope. No joy, or serendipitous wonderment. No happiness at all.

But then a little spark was lit, in the darkness of my life. That one and truest gift was left. The silence was the light. It sat there waiting patiently, while the grieving pushed me down.

The silence gave me the gift of thought.

The quiet gentled my soul’s sound. 

Five years climbing mountains of grief and pain and sorrow. Until the quiet comforted, the awakening of tomorrow. She sat with me in knowledge that the pain would one day subside. She became my companion. She offered me a ride.

She showed me that the truest gift was not in a box or bow. The present was the present mind. The simplicity of the now. I began to count my blessings. I realized I survived. The most terrible things were cleared away to offer the other side.

Hope. Joy. Gleeful wonder. They were there again somehow. The fog of a life’s destruction was the gift of universal time. We are transcended masters.

This needed to be said. We are not the shallow needy things that imprinted in our heads.

When the silence gave me nothing, it was nothing that I enjoyed. Consistent steadfast confidence, creation through and through. I began to focus on purity, as simply as a truth. The things gave way to power, the power led the way.

The sound of silence? Ringing bells of jubilee. The simple joys are the holiday. This year is very different. The atmosphere’s been changed.

Joy and sweet simplicity touched softly down again. Crystal love is quiet, in the silent revelry. It is the truest calling of our purpose. Faith of course, is free.

Joyous Noel to all who hear the miracle of life itself.

To The Positive Psychology People Family,

Thank you for the gift of being invited to write for you. It is an honor and a blessing to belong to this global family, so very loved by her founders.

Namaste and Peace,

Karen

Author: Karen Henry, Positive Psychology Practitioner and author since 2007. Owner, Henry Healing. “Grit. Grace. Gratitude. What Positive Psychology taught the teacher.” Other blog series by the author, Clarity. Noetic Nomad. Writing for TPPP since 2015. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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Adyashanti said, “A total acceptance of yourself brings about a total transcendence of yourself.” What does that look like?

• We are not afraid of not knowing. We are excited to learn more.
• We are not embarrassed to lack a skill. We are thrilled to have more to acquire.
• We do not compare ourselves with others. We become one with our now.

Transcendence

When we transcend the need to be happy, we ease into its truth. One’s ability to move beyond the notion of wanting or needing toward accepting means we have found our ability to simply ‘be’. There is a great deal of yearning for things that we don’t have. Money. Sex. Power. Popularity. Social approval. Value according to others. Basic needs are important, yet so are all the other parts of our hierarchy.

Beyond the Basics

When we study a singular concept in the field of psychology, we bring its significance to the masses. We have studied thriving, gratitude, forgiveness, love, healing, happiness and so many other singular key concepts for decades. No, not decades, millennia. We pull our strengths from both ancient texts and modern ideals. We do research, then pronounce our “newness” to the world at large. With the right sugar coated appeal, we draw in a crowd. That crowd becomes our cheerleaders, our street teams and in some cases, our worshipers.

Viktor Frankl said, “The pursuit of happiness undermines happiness”

The Emperor’s New Clothes [the book] has a place in our culture throughout time, including our own. We dress up our words in the pretty packaging that has the most appeal. Most humans are not comfortable in being unknown, or insignificant, or even unattractive in the eyes of our social media. This is why we should be adding “likes” to our list of addictions. Perhaps it already is. None of it has to do with our raw truth or self fulfillment.

Knowledge is Power?

Knowledge is power, but so is accountability. So why then, do we stay stuck at the edge of reason, rather than transcending the need to be seen? The desire to be fully awake to the realization that we don’t need anything or anyone else to make our lives whole is a social taboo.

We have nothing to prove to anyone. Ever. Yet, we spend our lives wanting or needing to be liked. Freedom from this need or want gives us the ability to transcend into a higher consciousness that most of us are afraid to live in. It means that we will be okay, no matter what.

Freedom smells like sunshine while knowledge feels like star particles, pulsing through our veins.  When we’re ready, we are more than the perception of anybody outside of ourselves. We transcend all else toward a place of pure love of life.

This is the place where we live our best lives.

Peace!

Karen

Author of Indelible Women. Reiki Master. Owner, Henry Healing. Positive Psychology Practitioner since 2007. 

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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‘I have abundance of …’, finish that sentence in your own voice. ‘I am abundant in …’,  finish that sentence. Turn it into an action word, and now,  a present day, ‘now’ phrase. The self-help industries tell us to envision it, as if we already have what we want. So do some theories in practice in the field of psychology. And in the sports industries. 

There is an interesting phenomenon happening in the world right now. A pull toward alternative methods of health and healing  being reexamined along with the science of what it is to be human. They are more in sync with each other than one would imagine. I know this because I study both. Some of you do too.  

Openness to new experiences

We know that several theories and models in psychology pay attention to how open people are, as a way of seeing the world. We also know that our belief system is a hot topic for today’s times that are constantly in the light. 

People are noticing every single event that goes on in the world, giving them an overdose of information. Then, they are wondering why they feel so very stressed out and overwhelmed. 

We are stressed out and overwhelmed because we are taking in too much of everything. We are abundant with information, but not necessarily clarity or education or even common sense. We are flooded with seeing a side of others we never knew was there because we are using our own lens to decide who that person is, based on a small sliver of public information about them. 

Positive Abundance

Perhaps we can best serve our areas of the world by focusing on the balance of abundance. Too much of anything is just too much.

That includes exposure to negative or adverse experiences. This includes the rigors of test taking, yet no time to absorb what is being taught. It also includes, too many stories that tend to have a negative hue, while so many millions of positive stories are tossed on the pile of ‘whatever’ just so someone can capture the attention of the panicked masses. 

We are afraid, yet can’t look away from fear. Or death. The very thing that frightens us is what we give our mental audience to. Why is that? Because it’s a basic survival instinct. 

It’s programed into our DNA, as a way to be on guard, to be vigilant against intruders to our soul. Those who have never had a negative or hard experience, don’t fully grasp the vigilance, but for those who have, grasp it with abundance. 

Yet, for those who practice faith with clarity, also practice knowing what’s valuable by using the tools of health and healing. Grit gets us through the tough times. Grace allows us to feel connected to the power of balance. And gratitude? It allows us to see the positive abundance we can choose to live with. It’s Vitamin D for the beautiful truth of who we are as humans. 

What we choose is entirely up to us. 

Peace!

Karen

Author of Indelible Women. Reiki Master. Owner, Henry Healing. Positive Psychology Practitioner since 2007, and former university professor.

“We Are The Positive Psychology People”

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Guilty as charged

Guilt is a negative emotion which motivates us to right a wrong. On a daily basis I feel guilty about what I spend my time doing, guilt about what I spend my time not doing, guilt about time spent away from the family, guilt about time spent away from my studies, guilt about not working, guilt about needing to step back, guilt about what I have and guilt about wanting what I don’t have. Phew! But perhaps you can relate?

I have a diagnosis of both anxiety and depression, both of which are chronic features in my life. At those times when my resistance is low and my illness peaks, guilt pretty much colours much of my emotional experience. Luckily, I have become by necessity emotionally self-aware and through a study of positive psychology I can also understand a bit about the transformative capacity of negative emotions, guilt in particular.

In short, I think it’s time we talked about how we could all be grateful for a bit of guilt.

Gratitude works

The truth about feeling grateful is that you can practice it. Through a daily gratitude practice, such as keeping a journal or simply listing three good things, research has shown that over time this can lead to greater wellbeing and more frequent affective experiences of gratitude (Emmons & McCullough, 2003; Seligman, Steen, Park & Peterson, 2005).

Frederickson’s (2004) work on positive emotions has shown that experiencing gratitude often leads to its expression through giving back to others, which in turn creates more opportunities for positive emotions and experiences (broaden and build).

When I kept a daily gratitude journal for 6 weeks this was eventually my experience, but only once I had dealt with the message my guilt was trying to convey as it was interfering somewhat!

As per Seligman et al (2005) it proved insightful to journal three good things plus how I felt about them – to capture the full experience of my gratitude practice. Stepping back, I noticed three things. Primarily by recording and drawing attention to positive events and experiences I was able to relive them, and this led to further positive emotions and experiences. Who wouldn’t enjoy thinking about the good stuff in their life?

Secondly, I began to mentally look for, notice and feel spontaneous in-the-moment gratitude about all sorts of things that I previously overlooked. The kindness of a stranger, a bright cold but sunny day, a hug from my son. Basically, lots of little micro moments of positivity that had perhaps been there for the taking all along.

Thirdly, and this is the important one, that these increasing positive experiences did not remove frequent feelings of guilt. Counting my blessings was basically sometimes uncomfortable.

Guilt and gratitude – one and the same?

When I made a conscious effort to practice gratitude acknowledging those that help and support me, or for my freedom to choose how I spend my time, I felt guilty.

When I tried comparing myself to others worse off than me to try and feel gratitude, this also led to guilt. I began to wonder if this was a common experience.

Robert’s (2004) proposed that gratitude is experienced in a dialectic with negative emotions like resentment, envy and regret. To this I would add guilt as it seemed to be inextricably linked, at least for me. Perhaps this is a common pitfall for those with anxiety when they undertake a gratitude practice?

Utilising guilt

Given how frequently I felt guilt, I decided to see if it could really be as simple as using these negative intrusions as a reminder or trigger to step back and choose to practice gratitude as well? Second wave positive psychology does consider certainly negative emotions to be motivating: could transforming guilt be a stepping stone towards reaping Frederickson’s (2004) broadening and building benefits of gratitude?

Noticing guilt, I now focus in on its source – what I do have and what I am doing, and rather than wishing away my emotional experience I acknowledge it and add gratitude. This is naturally leading me to identify new capacities for development with a sense of expansiveness about my skills, attention and energy which I now direct towards building new resources and further opportunities for positive and learning experiences.

Grateful for guilt

Taking this a step further, feeling grateful precisely because we experience guilt could open up a more creative and personalised path towards acceptance of our full emotional experience.  This is in contrast to the ‘replace your thoughts’ ethos suggested by the go-to treatment for anxiety (CBT, which I personally found had limited success).

Transforming and accepting guilt using gratitude has for me encouraged mindful compassion towards both my negative and positive thoughts and emotions and help me do more than just cope with them.

To me this epitomises a positive psychology which illustrates the benefits of accepting, understanding and learning to work with, rather than against negative emotions like guilt in order to generate the presence of positive and transcendent emotions such as gratitude.

From my experience of deconstructing guilt – it can provide opportunities for gratitude, it is motivating, and it may be a bit of an emotional hack to help us all make a difference.

About the Author: Lena Britnell

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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How can I re-train myself to want to be where I am right now?

I learned and absorbed the concept of being in the present moment in improv training at The Second City in Chicago in the 1990s. The object of an improv scene is not to control the scene and direct others to exactly where you want the scene to go. But, rather, you must allow the scene to unfold. One of my favourite improv teachers and a Second City legend, Martin deMaat, would say that improv is “very zen.”

When I find myself wishing and worrying, I can recalibrate and re-centre myself by:

·       Expressing gratitude for this very moment. AND…

·       Accepting and enjoying this very moment

Where in your day do you find yourself worrying and wondering…about what was or what will be? Monitor when you are feeling anxious. Are you worried about a mistake you made in the past or concerned about what will happen tomorrow? Doing this will take away from your joy in this present moment…and the next moment…and the next moment after that.

In the foreward of Jon Kabat-Zinn’s book, “Where You Go, There you Are,” it states: “Mindfulness is considered the heart of Buddhist meditation, but its essence is universal and of deep practical benefit to all. In essence, mindfulness is about wakefulness. Our minds are such that we are often more asleep than awake to the unique beautify and possibilities of each present moment as it unfolds. While it is in the nature of our mind to go on automatic pilot and actually lose touch with the only time we actually have to live, to grow, to feel, to love, to learn, to give shape to things, to heal, our mind also holds the deep innate capacity to help us awaken to our moments and use them to [the] advantage for ourselves, for others, and for the world we inhabit. Just as a garden requires attending to if we hope to cultivate flowers and not have it be overrun with weeds, mindfulness also requires regular cultivating. We call the cultivating of our own mind to bring it to wakefulness meditation. The beauty of it is that we carry this garden with us, wherever we go, wherever we are, whenever we remember. It is outside of time as well as in it.”

May you find peace and joy in this very moment.

About the author: Julie Ostrow

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I have lots of opportunities to do this in the workplace because the people around me are generally very helpful. But I’m embarrassed to say that I don’t always take the time to acknowledge this. I get so caught up in working through my ‘to do’ list, and moving from one thing to the next, that I often forget or just don’t find the time. Additionally, like many others, my focus can be pulled in the direction of the one or two things that didn’t go well during my work day rather than all the good things that had happened.

Recently I did a small experiment where I spent several weeks trying to develop more gratitude in relation to work and understanding what, if any, difference this made. Gratitude in the workplace has been shown to have numerous benefits including a reduction in negative emotions, improved working relationships and supporting a move towards greater functioning (Emmons, 2003).

The changes I made as part of this experiment included:

Writing down three things each evening that had gone well at work and why they had gone well.
Taking more time to thank colleagues where it was appropriate, and being specific about what they did.

Six weeks later here are some of the things I learned:

It was important to remain authentic – although I had set out to thank others more, I wanted it to be a genuine expression of gratitude rather than doing it because it was part of the experiment. It had to be done at the right time and in a way that felt comfortable for me. Doing this helped me stay engaged, and had a greater impact on both myself and the other person because the gratitude was real.

Gratitude had not been a focus for me prior to this exercise, so it was hard to get into the habit of experiencing this in the moment. I found I was getting caught up in my work during the day, and saving gratitude for the evening when I was writing about the three things that had gone well. I therefore created automatic notifications on my mobile phone to remind me to focus on moments of gratitude during the day.

When I began this experiment I was rushing through the written exercise each evening to get it finished. I was not giving enough thought to the things I was writing about. As soon as I realised this I started to slow down and spend time on it, rather than seeing it as something I needed to get done so I could move on to the next thing. I also made sure I wrote about the things that had the most impact on my day.

It helped to think about someone I had worked with previously, who was good at expressing gratitude so I could consider what they did differently and how I could learn from them. In the same way, I looked back on times when I had done this well in the past. This enabled me to identify some of the changes described above.

About half way through the experiment I explored alternative ways to develop my feelings of gratitude in order to provide variety. I decided to say thank you in person more (rather than just using email) and to write thank you cards which could be kept.

At the end of the experiment I looked back over what I had written during the previous weeks. This was a good reminder that there were a lot of successes and good things that had taken place and I often forget these or put them to one side, instead focusing on the things that hadn’t gone so well. This experiment helped me become better at noticing the good things and making sure I didn’t miss out on them.

References

Emmons, R. A. (2003). Acts of gratitude in organisations. In: K. S. Cameron, J. E. Dutton, & R. E. Quinn (Eds.). Positive organizational scholarship: Foundations of a new discipline. (Kindle Paperwhite 3 version). Retrieved from amazon.co.uk

About the author: Preeti works in HR and is currently studying for a Masters in Applied Positive Psychology.

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The Positive Psychology People is co-founded and sponsored
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I know I am not the only who has the ability to start conversations with strangers. I like to take advantage of an opportunity to strike up a conversation with someone, give them a smile, help them out a bit, or share a laugh with them.
Just yesterday when I was at the grocery store, I found myself automatically lending a hand to two people who seemed to need a little assistance.

As I was walking toward the door, I noticed an elderly gentleman, whose car was parked in the handicap parking spot, struggle with walking. He was using a grocery cart to hold himself up as he walked toward the door. I walked up to him and gently asked, “Shall I walk alongside you?” I wanted to be sure he was safe walking across the cross walk. He gently replied, “That would be nice.” And so, I walked with him to a scooter just inside the door.

Acknowledge other people

I like to think that we could all pause our lives for a brief moment to acknowledge other people. I know…we are all busy and we have extremely important information in the devices we clutch in our hands. But, what if…just what if…we make a point of lifting our heads up so that we can see one another? Look at others and notice how they are feeling. And, offer a “Hello” to someone. Smile at someone as you walk by. Notice the impact you have on that person and how that makes you feel.

Helping others

The other interaction I had was absolutely phenomenal. It may even have been a spiritual experience. As I was approaching the produce section, I happened to notice a woman struggling with opening those darn produce bags that are difficult to open especially when you have your hands full with other items.

As I walked toward her, I simply reached for the bag and helped her open it so she could place her produce in the bag. It was an easy gesture. She smiled and said, “Why did you do that?” I replied, “Because I can.” She continued, “Hey…you know…that’s what I do! I help people I don’t know!” As I walked away, I noticed she had coffee and almond milk in her basket just like I did! I commented on that and she said, “Oh! You look in other people’s baskets, too??”

She and I ended up talking and making each other laugh for the next 30 minutes. I didn’t walk into that grocery store thinking I was going to have a connection with a perfect stranger. It was a moment that unfolded. It was an interaction that was supposed to happen.

As we laughed and shared a few more stories, we had a couple of “Oh. My. Gosh!” discoveries. Toward the end of our conversation, I said my name and asked what her name was. She says, “My name is Diane.” I thought, “Yes. I was supposed to be right here at this moment.” My mom’s name is Diane. She passed away 26 years ago. I felt goosebumps on my arms. (That’s a sign for me of reassurance of a spiritual presence and a positive affirmation.) Diane said, “My daughter’s name is Julie!” As it turns out her daughter and I have the same middle name. She asks what my father’s name was and it’s the same as her husband’s name. And, yes, it gets even better…her mom’s name is the same as my mom’s mom’s name. Are you following all of this? It blew my mind, too!

My eyes filled up with more tears as I said, “This encounter was supposed to happen.” And, my new friend, Diane, hugged me and said, “Yes, it was. What a blessing.” In that moment, I felt the loving presence of my mom who had passed away so many years ago.

Take advantage of the good that you have and share it with a stranger. Who knows…that stranger may become your friend or may be someone who says the words you need to hear at that moment.

About the author: To find out more about Julie Ostrow, please click here.

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The post Taking Goodness For Granted appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Research in Positive Psychology has consistently found that having a grateful disposition is associated with many well-being advantages including better health, lower risk of illness, improved performance in a variety of domains and enhanced spirituality, morality and better relationships. There are a number of techniques aimed at enhancing gratitude such as counting your blessings, writing gratitude letters, carrying out a gratitude visit and keeping a gratitude journal. Practicing these techniques aids the cultivation of an increased “attitude of gratitude” and research has shown that such changes are associated with improvements in well-being. So being thankful is good for you, you can train yourself to get better at it regardless of how thankful you are in the first place, and it all adds up to good news for your long term health and well-being. Of course no one can be grateful about everything all of the time. For a start that would be just annoying! But seriously being grateful is not about ignoring the gripes and problems of life, in fact it’s not good for your well-being to do so, as that could lead to avoiding necessary action. However, being able to be appreciative of what is good in life, in spite of the challenges, is a useful skill in promoting well-being.

Thankfulness Close To Home

One area, in particular, where a regular gratitude practice can make a difference is in close personal relationships. We all, at times, moan to our friends about our partner, children, parents, siblings, pets etc. There is nothing wrong with that, it’s an important means of processing emotions and gaining support and perspective. However, how often do we really stop to think about what we are truly grateful for in these people who make up our closest interactions? It’s so easy to take them for granted because we see them all the time and habituate to their presence and the things they are and do in our lives.

The Functions Of Gratitude In Close Relationships

Research indicates that both the experience and the expression of gratitude in ongoing relationships have important functions in maintaining the relationship. Feeling appreciative of one’s partner has been shown to lead to noticing new positive qualities in them, spending more time with them and being more willing to compromise or make sacrifices for them. Feeling appreciated leads to more relationship maintenance behaviours which signal responsiveness, engagement and commitment to the relationship leading to the other partner feeling appreciated, and facilitating a positive feedback loop, promoting an upward cycle of relationship growth, commitment and stability. (Gordon, Oveis, Impett, kogan & Keltner 2012, Algoe 2012). Of course the responsiveness of one’s partner has an important impact but working to enhance your own feelings and expressions of gratitude within a relationship can kickstart this positive cycle and provide a booster shot for your relationship (Algoe, Gable & Maisel 2010). Indeed in long term relationships, one’s own internal sense of gratitude towards a partner has been shown to predict the partner’s experience of marital satisfaction over time as well as one’s own (Gordon, Arnette & Smith 2011). Gratitude practices also enhance mindfulness of what is good in the relationship and increase access to positive memories which can influence how you feel in the here and now.

It’s Not All About The Positive

Responses to gratitude exercises are not all positive. My own experiences of gratitude journaling with particular reference to my marital relationship, also involved feelings of regret, sadness and indebtedness for the times I had taken my husband for granted or behaved in ways which hurt him. But processing these feelings also contributed to a sense of connectedness and motivation to work on improving the relationship in the future. Indeed Layous, Sweeny,  Armenta, Na, Choi & Lyubomirsky (2017) suggest that such bittersweet responses to gratitude practices are a necessary fuel for motivation influencing the downstream effects of gratitude in promoting relationship growth.

You Don’t Know What You’ve Got Until It’s Gone

A further cognitive effect of engaging in a gratitude practice is that it tends to lead you to think about what your life would be like without the people close to you. This counterfactual thinking promotes appreciation for those we spend most time with by enhancing novelty thus reducing taking their presence for granted. I found that this technique helped me to appreciate that if my teenage son was no longer at home, I might actually miss picking his washing up off the floor. I also admit to feeling some satisfaction that if he was no longer at home, he might appreciate that he had taken for granted that his washing got done! However, In the moment, an experience of irritation was transformed through counterfactual thinking to one of appreciation and amusement.

Count Your Blessings

We can all benefit from developing our sense of thankfulness and this can be especially important for the health of our close relationships. If the family togetherness of Christmas and the roses of Valentine’s Day have faded, maybe it’s time to remind yourself what you most appreciate about the people closest to you?

References
Algoe, S.B. (2012). Find, Remind and Bind: The Functions of Gratitude in Everyday Relationships. Social and Personality Psychology Compass, 6(6), 455-469.

Algoe, S.B., Gable, S.L. & Maisel, N.C. (2010). It’s the little things: Everyday gratitude as a booster shot for romantic relationships. Personal Relationships, 17, 217-233.

Gordon, C.L., Arnette, R.A.M. & Smith, R.E. (2011). Have you thanked your spouse today?; Felt and expressed gratitude among married couples. Personality and Individual Differences, 50, 339-343.

Gordon, A.M., Oveis, C., Impett, E.A., Kogan, A & Keltner, D. (2012). To Have and to Hold: Gratitude promotes relationship maintenance in intimate bonds. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 103(2), 257-274.

Layous, K., Sweeny, K., Armenta, C., Na, S., Choi, I. & Lyubomirsky, S. (2017). The proximal experience of gratitude. PLos ONE, 12(7) e0179123.

https://doi.org/10.1371/journal.pone.0179123.

About the Author: Sarah Monk

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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