My MAPP research (Zahavi, 2020) looked at the lived experiences of single Anglo women over fifty, as new immigrants to Israel. Having had careers and families, I was curious about how my participants would manage the cultural change alone and what the experience would mean to them. They all described a journey which was challenging, frustrating, but also deeply rewarding in terms of personal growth.

Following in my participants’ footsteps

I was especially fascinated by the experiences of the women I interviewed, as I had always planned to make this journey for myself. After years of talking and dreaming about it, in July 2020, in a face mask and visor and with copious amounts of Covid-19 resistant alcogel, this is what I did.

Aside from relocating during a global pandemic, when nothing is as we would expect it to be, not one aspect of life; work, relationships or social integration has gone as planned. So here I am, in this land of Middle Eastern heat, hummus and blue skies, in my early fifties, learning a whole new way of being.

Acculturation can be a bumpy but beautiful ride

Kalervo Oberg’s (1958) study describes four stages of the process of acculturation: the honeymoon phase, culture shock, adjustment, and adaption. The initial honeymoon period is a time full of wonder and joy at falling in love with new surroundings, people, food, in fact, new everything. Once this initial excitement has passed, there is often a gradual realisation of the enormity of the differences to an immigrant’s old life. Language barriers, finding suitable work, fitting in socially, all the things we might take for granted in our birth country are no longer the same. Oberg describes this phenomenon as culture shock. Many immigrants experience this as a significant downward dip in the curve of wellbeing levels, often reporting distress and anxiety. Some may even return to their birth country.

Adaptation can lead to positive psychological growth

There are undoubtedly going to be difficult times, however, many psychological studies concentrate solely on the negative aspects of relocating. Yet, as Cobb et.al. (2019) found in their recent research, even when the going is tough, relocation often leads to an immense sense of achievement, increased wellbeing, and positive psychological growth.

As I have found out for myself, the real process of adjustment begins when immigrants draw on resources such as personal strengths, character traits and positive psychological interventions, to help with building and maintaining resilience and finding ways through difficulties. Overcoming challenges allows life to settle into a new kind of rhythm and the immigrant settles into their new self-identity. Life in the host country becomes the new normal as adaptation occurs and six months into my own journey, I can relate to every stage of this process.

Some tips for positive coping

I have found many positive ways of coping, which have helped get me through challenges I had no idea I would have to face, and my coping playbook includes many of the positive psychological interventions I have learned and practised; mindfulness moments, expressing gratitude and even having the courage to be able to sit in the tough stuff and know that it will pass. So, after some trials and plenty of errors, here are my top 3 tips for managing the start of a new life in a new country:

Ask for help

I, like many of us, am notoriously bad at this and have always liked to ‘do it myself’. If ever there is a time to admit vulnerability and ask for help, it is when you are navigating how life works in a new country, (particularly in the middle of a pandemic!) with little of the local language. I am grateful that by nature, Israelis are often direct and to the point, but also incredibly warm-hearted and more than happy to help. Wherever your journey might take you, if help is offered from the heart, take it, and if it is not, then ask!

Learn from someone who did it before you

Israel is a land of immigrants and there are always people to learn from, which really makes a difference. Learning how to navigate the banking system, bureaucracy, even how and where to shop, can help with getting past the culture shock stage. I have gathered all kinds of tips from lovely people who did this journey before me, and every little bit of information has helped me manage life here more easily. If there is a way to avoid struggling, then take it.

Be kind to yourself

This is perhaps the most important tip of all. I have a friend here who reminded me one day, while I was still in the ‘honeymoon phase’ that each little achievement is a ‘little victory’. Those words have helped me stay focused on making life work here, even when it has been, and still can be really challenging.  So, instead of being impatient with yourself, talk to yourself with kindness. It is completely normal to have to adjust to life but being kind to yourself can help with enjoying your new surroundings. Remember to pat yourself on the back frequently.

The journey is worth it

As a recent immigrant, I am glad I made the move. I have a lot more to achieve and a lot more to learn but that is part of the joy of relocation and I can recommend it. Now that I am finding ways to navigate life here, the wellbeing curve is on the way back up. The journey is bumpy, beautiful, and probably one of the most exciting adventures of my life.

References

Cobb, C.L., Branscombe, N.R., Meca, A., Schwartz, S.J., Xie, D., Zea, M.C., Molina, L.E. and Martinez Jr,

C.R., (2019). Toward a positive psychology of immigrants. Perspectives on psychological

science, 14(4), pp.619-632.

Oberg, K. (1958). Culture Shock and Problems of Adjustment. Journal of Practical Anthropology, (7), 117-

189.

Zahavi, M. (2020). Resilient relocation: The experience of single Anglo women over 50 as recent immigrants to Israel. Psychreg Journal of Psychology, 4 (2): 63-69

Read about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

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This has preoccupied my thinking and my response in honouring and cherishing human nature in all its perfect imperfection – is I am not surprised this term has power and place.

My chosen image is a photograph I stole from autumn. You cannot tell at first what it is, is it the wrong way up or not. This makes me think about self – for what is fake and what is true? To answer this question way may need to turn our thinking inside out. The

At the heart of the human condition is a dilemma. We think we know who we are, but in truth self is an emergent concept – and who and how we are changes with the the degree to which we are able to open our bandwidth of awareness. Self can never be fully described in factual terms – more we are mystery unto ourselves.

If we take an immediate and differentiating view of self – we will recognise that we commonly face the world through a partial self and the journey of life is to discover our wholeness. This mask that we wear is the self to which we default. And from this standpoint and centre we can commonly make believe that this is all of who we are. In a nut shell, we think we know ourselves but self is ever waiting to reveal the ‘something more’.

In some psychological literature you may hear authors draw the distinction between a false and true self. I would not be so judgmental to use these terms myself, since judging our partial self, the self to which we default to be false – enormously devalues the paradox of the journey we call development and its very engine. However, look to the heart of the human condition and our dilemma – can we tell whether we are false or true, partial or whole? With compassion, can we, when we look first to ourselves, judge what is false and real – can we discern what is fake news?

Only when we are able to go beyond the critical judgment of the partial self to which we default can we paradoxically open to discover the ‘something more’ for which we may blindly seek.

Ironically the finger that points to the fake is the hand of critical judge. Intent on pointing out falsity and correctness – what it assesses to be wrong or right – is the preoccupation of the self to which we default.

So we have a self-fulfilling prophecy – a partial self that thinks it knows the whole truth – that would rapidly and with force judge right and wrong. The false self – driven to point out falsity in order to secure ones position and survive.

Only when we can look to our own depths and with tenderness and compassion point our own fingers towards the part of ourselves that make believes we know it all – are we able to free ourselves from the division of judging – falsity and correctness.

Our partial self – literally gets bad press! Yet this self is vital to our survival – it has kept us safe – it may suffer from chronic anxiety in doing so – but its unwavering goal is to protect and keep you safe. In the certainty and surety of knowing what to do – in these circumstances – it forfeits humbleness and instead may fight for singularity and dictatorship.

Look upon the awareness of this part with thanks –  can we learn to accept the part that would reject us.

Only in this moment of recognition and acceptance does a window open – offering an expanded bandwidth of perception – through which we can look beyond to the discovery of more of the whole of who we are.

We may be fake news, we may also not be able to see the difference between fake and real, but be careful – for the finger that is driven to point, has little knowledge of the whole truth to rightly judge.

Maybe Trump is inadvertently guiding us – to have the courage to meet that within us that we would judge to be fake. For this is the only way to discover “the whole truth and nothing but”.

The fake or false self (if I dare to use these labels for a moment) I treasure. This aspect of me has worked to keep me safe – on an edge – maybe over worked at times. However, this important phrase came to my thoughts:

“You cannot feed an insatiable appetite, instead we must learn to soothe the part that hungers.”

In accepting what may be judged to be fake, is a vital piece of the jigsaw towards a deeper integrity and authenticity.

Only when we do this might we see clearly in others the difference between fake and real. However, this is such a humbling experience, we would never point it out.

May we learn to recognise and love what we may cruelly judge to be fake within ourselves and so permit the discovery of the ‘more than’ for which we have searched.

Awareness of of what we might judge to be fake and partial – that which would divide, judge and lock us – is paradoxically the only key to our liberation. The way to wholeness and experience of fulfilment is through inclusion of each and every aspect of ourselves. Every jigsaw in self awareness terms, completes a picture of our perfect imperfection.

Be careful when you point and judge falsity – look first to whom is pointing and the right to judge. The greatest act of the warrior is to know when to lay down his sword.

Let’s be grateful for awareness of such false news, for with compassion, such awareness when we look to self first, may be the essential means to our wholeness and potential fulfillment.

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I recently spent a month in The Philippines which brought the depth of gratitude I have for the country that I was born and raised in, to a whole new level.  I have actively been practising gratitude in the form of a daily gratitude journal – writing down the three best things of the day and acknowledging why they are so good and why I’m so grateful for these things occurring – for almost two years now.  This has been a large contributing factor in the ongoing process to re-train the neural pathways in my own brain which enabled me to successfully overcome many years of depression and mental health challenges several years ago.

This activity in itself encompasses great power, however combined with real life altering and first hand experiences, this activity then becomes dramatically enhanced.  It is one thing to be vaguely aware of the poverty in this world and quite another to experience it firsthand.  There were several significant activities that occurred for me during this time that have raised my conscious awareness and consequently my expression of gratitude to new heights.  Number one being that for the very first time in my life, for 10 days whilst attending a Vipassana (silent) meditation program in the middle of nowhere, several hours outside of Manila, I did not have access to hot water.  On top of this for many hours every day there was no access to running water – hot or cold – at all.  For me, coming from Australia, where even during a major drought season several years ago, lack of water was not taken very seriously by many of us; this is such a basic essential.  It was very humbling to come to the realisation that for 10 days I would go without what I now consider a luxury, not an essential.

Grateful for the simplest of things

During the 10 days, very quickly, I realised how precious my bucket of cold water for showers actually was.  On day one, all lathered up mid washing, with less than half a bucket of cold water left, the running water was cut off completely.  I was left flabbergasted on how to proceed and finish my shower with such a little amount of water and no way to attain more.  Of course I managed and lived to see the next day (the same thing happened again and again) but this was not without having to sacrifice conditioned hair in order to wash the shampoo out and the suds off my body.  For the first two days I reacted like a spoiled child and stormed off to see the managers of the facility, wondering if this was some kind of test that was part of the meditation program that we were not informed of.  Upon realising there was nothing that could be done what so ever and I needed to just accept this occurring, I became very aware that at any stage we could run out of water completely.  I started hoarding the water when it was working – if I saw a bucket with even an inch to spare, I would fill it up.

Being mindful that others have but a fraction

The next thing that raised my conscious awareness even further was being confronted with the reality of having to hand-wash my clothes in a plastic container of cold water.  Again I reacted like a spoiled child and stormed off to burst into tears of frustration.  I quickly recovered and knowing there was zilch I could do, accepted the fact that I would be wearing smelly, half clean clothes for the rest of the week, as I really had no skills in this area.  These experiences were deepened even more when I visited the slums of Manila after the meditation program was over.  Ironically the slums community was called “Happy Land” and for the most part many of the people did appear reasonably happy despite their substandard situation.  Here I met women who earn 60 PHP a day ($2) hand peeling garlic and people who earn money by recycling thrown out chicken, rewashing it and recooking it.  I came to realise there are millions of people, including children, living off recycled and re-cooked chicken on a daily basis – risking salmonella poisoning every single time.

The home of people in the slums are mere shanty’s, made of wood and tin with very limited plumbing and only limited illegal and unsafe electricity.  Often up to 10 people live in these one or two room confined spaces.  They cook out in the open on gas cookers and there is no actual room to shower in.  People – fully dressed – publicly shower from a buckets of water out in front of their shanty standing in dirt and mud.   The entire community is one giant recycled tip, where naked and shoeless children run around.  For me everything about this community was appalling and heart breaking, but for over 15 million people in The Philippines alone, this is what they refer to as home.

These kinds of experiences are life altering when you realise just how fortunate you really are.

About the author: Jamie views Positive Psychology as her lifes’ calling – to help change the world. She is the 47th person in the world to finish the only government accredited Diploma of Positive Psychology and Wellbeing in existence. She has designed a free 21-day Happiness Program to introduce people to retraining their brain for greater happiness. www.thehappinessninja.com.au

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Difference

The report found that North America, Australia and New Zealand were the most happy with a mean happiness score of 7.125 and Western Europe had a score of 6.575, while South East Asia had a mean score of 5.363 and East Asia’s score was 5.288. On the face of it, this suggests that people in individualistic cultures are happier than those in collectivist cultures. But is this really the case?

Personal pursuit of happiness

In individualistic cultures happiness is often viewed as a personal pursuit that the individual should follow. Each person has a right to happiness and it is up to them to follow this. Of course there is a dark side to this, it implies that if you are not happy it is no one’s fault but your own.

Social happiness

Contrastingly in collectivist cultures, happiness is associated with social bonds and social responsibility. Happiness is a shared concept not a personal one. Personal emotions of joy and bliss are not focused on, instead the focus is on the person’s role in the community.

Different types of happiness

Broadly speaking it can be argued that this distinction mirrors the difference between hedonic and eudaimonic well-being. With hedonic well-being focusing on increasing personal pleasure and decreasing personal pain and eudaimonic well-being focusings on growth and fulfilling life’s purpose.

Conundrum

So why are some of the most effective methods for improving levels of happiness ones that focus on developing social bonds and connections? Aren’t these associated with the priorities of those ‘less happy’ countries? Why do they work?

Social happiness revisted

Activities such as volunteering, building relationships and random acts of kindness all encourage us to look outside of ourselves and focus on others. Doing something for others, not in order to gain anything in return, has been shown to increase happiness. Research from Exeter University has found that volunteering has been shown to not only improve happiness but to help improve mental health. Similarly in a study of resilience following economic downturn John Helliwell, from the University of British Columbia in Canada suggested that simultaneously doing things with others and for others adds to a sense of well-being. The ‘with others’ relates to the social connections that are formed when working to achieve a common goal. The ‘for others’ can be viewed as fulfilling a sense of purpose and making a social contribution which is part of eudaimonic well-being.

Similarity

While there may be many reasons to explain why collectivist cultures have lower happiness scores than many individualistic cultures, we have a lot to learn to by focusing on the similarities between the cultures; people in both cultures thrive when given social responsibility. Traditional communities in the West have broken down in the last couple of generations and fortunately the West is now rediscovering the beauty of building bonds and personally contributing to society. What may have once happened naturally and universally, may now require conscious effort and fortunately more and more people understand and practice this.

References:
Helliwell, J.F., Huang, H. & Wang, S. (2013) Social Capital and Well-Being in Times of Crisis. Journal of Happiness Studies, DOI:10.1007/s10902-013-9441-z

Jenkinson, C.E., Dickens, A.P., Jones, K., Thompson-Coon, J., Taylor, R.S., Rogers, M., Bambra, C.L. Lang, I. & Richards, S.H. (2013). Is volunteering a public health intervention? A systematic review and meta-analysis of the health and survival of volunteers. BMC Public Health, 13, article no 773. DOI: 10.1186/1471-2458-13-773

Luo Lu, L. & Gilmour, R. (2004). Culture and conceptions of happiness: individual oriented and social oriented swb. Journal of Happiness Studies, 5,3, 269-291.

Sachs, J., Becchetti, L., & Annett, A. (2016). World Happiness Report 2016, Special Rome Edition (Vol. II). New York: Sustainable Development Solutions Network.

About the author:To find out more about Bryony Shaw MAPP, click here.

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A Journey to remember

She said that she too had worried about the riots prior to the pilgrimage. But once there, what struck her immediately was the fact that all the porters were Muslim men, who transported the Hindu pilgrims on pony backs or carried them on “palkis”, or palanquins, up the long and arduous trek. She looked everywhere for signs of religious animosity that was reported daily, but found none. She rationalized it by considering the monetary benefits for the porters and stayed on guard for subtle signs of hostility. What happened on the return trek would change her views forever.

As they made the dangerous ride back, she and her group got caught in a terrible landslide. The entire ground before them split apart and she desperately watched half her group, including her parents, suddenly disappear from sight. She and a few others were left alone, save for the porters who carried them, injured and distraught.

Beautiful surprises along the way

These men were their saviors from that moment on. They tended to their cuts and bruises, dried their wet clothes in the frigid cold, cooked them meals from their own meager supplies, and sat guard at night so the distressed pilgrims could get a few hours of sleep. But what touched them the most were the words of comfort these men provided them as my friend and her group wondered what had happened to their families, and lived in the anguish of not knowing whether they would ever reunite.

My friend was moved to the core but had no way of reciprocating their kindness. The ponies carrying their belongings had been separated from them in the landslide. There was no way they could pay back the porters. And yet, these men continued to shower their humanity without expecting anything in return, to a people who were distinct from them in religion, race and culture. Perhaps they knew that the common humanity that bound them together was worth far more.

In our ‘civilized’ worlds, where our mental frameworks are tainted by the news we consume and the ‘friends’ we keep, we’ve lost connection to what makes us uniquely human. Living in the valleys and the mountains, and separated from the noise, these porters were untainted by political propagandas and media manipulation. What they saw in others were not the superficial differences we feed everyday, but the common humanity that lies within our human social fabric.

The best surprise of all…finding humanity

I cried when I listened to this story. It was tears of joy yes, and of the emotion of elevation. But there was also something painful about it – the personal realization that I was often blind to the compassion and beauty of the human soul. I made a secret resolution to embrace and announce the acts of humanity I saw around me – acts that often went unreported, in the media, in our shared stories and in the collective memories we create.

In the days since, I’ve come to appreciate that something wonderful happens when we appreciate the other and build human connections. We become resilient in the face of struggle and change. The world we leave behind for our children will only grow in complexity and uncertainty. Our commitment to help them nurture the common thread that binds us across race and culture, across sex and class, across religion and nation is what will provide them with the resilience to grow through the challenges ahead. It’s not a matter of choice, but of the utmost responsibility.

About the Author: Homaira Kabir is a positive psychology coach, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a writer who specializes in the area of self-worth. She helps women break free from the grip of low self-confidence through scientifically backed strategies, programs and courses, so that they show up fully in their relationships and rise to their full potential at work and in life. You can read more about her at www.homairakabir.com

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Mapuche culture transcends and makes us remember the meaning of happiness

Two years ago I was in a remote place called Cole Cole, which is located 25 kms of the Chiloé national park (173 km away from Castro). I was there for more than a month doing trails and long walks for an ethnographic study. It was hard for me to get pencil and paper in this place, without mentioning the 4 hours I needed to cross a forest in the hope of getting a ride from a fisherman truck or some macheros to give me a ride to a place with internet access in order to pass my writings from paper to digital.

The central idea was to learn about the relationship that exists between the Mapuche culture and some specific aspects of Positive Psychology, hope, optimism and flow from the experience of living with the inhabitants of the Island of Chiloé, the huilliche (southern folks), a southern branch of the Mapuches that share common culture.

The culture

When talking about culture it is necessary to understand that this is characterized by the beliefs, customs, practices and ways of being that a group of individuals share, which gives them a feeling of belonging and an identity. Currently some native people live some processes of acculturation, which means they’re adopting a part of the prevailing or dominating group which in this case would be the Creole culture.

It is worth mentioning that in the XVII century the Jesuits took care of evangelizing the natives of Chiloé- which are currently producing urban environments processes of acculturation. This is worse because some urban Mapuche are losing their identity and culture by not having spaces for reproducing ethnic identity, not using their Mapudungun-language and  losing connection with the earth. Acculturation does not occur in all cases and there are many rural Mapuche which strengthens aspects of their culture. By spending time with some of them, it was possible to see how their ways of thinking, feeling and acting is expressed with glow in its rich culture; wisdom, cooperation, goodwill, respect, optimism, hope and perseverance.  Psychological aspects called values ​​and strengths, are being thoroughly investigated by Positive Psychology, in order to identify ways in which to experience positive emotions, life satisfaction, quality of life and ultimately happiness.

Routine vs. pleasure

As an example of the relationship between Mapuche culture and some of these issues, I remember one day accompanying Don Juan Nain Nain who is Toqui (the title that Mapuche gave his military leader) during one of his routine days. Although we might often complain or avoid these activities, for him it wasn’t routine but a pleasurable activity in which he was involved in an cognitive, emotional and behavioural way. He was experiencing what is called by Positive Psychology ‘flow’ –the ability to perform a task enjoying and flowing living the here and now, often without noticing the passage of time.  Whilst collecting the net that crossed the river Cole Cole, he answered to my question: “What do you do when there are no fish in the net?” He replied “Not thinking about that, just having the hope that we will never miss but if ever that happens, there will be no need to worry as the next day it will be more crowded“.

This clarifies how hope and optimism being proper dimensions of the psychological capital of this person allows him to experience positive emotions and states of confidence and self-efficacy. It can also demonstrate how identification with Mapuche culture generates pleasant and lasting states of happiness expressed as gratitude, kindness and a sense of humor, which is essential to experience happiness.

Disposable consumerism

On the other hand it is difficult to describe this same view for our Chilean culture by finding it currently so divided and permeable to individualistic and hegemonic cultures that pursue materialistic and superficial aspects calling them a part of the welfare. This results in a constant cycle of disposable consumerism, causing us to believe that we will be happy when we get a new car, the latest electronic equipment or are more successful than others. It has been shown that at no time do these things make us experience happiness, as happiness can only be experienced in relationship with others, through communication of affection, gratitude and kindness and achieved with optimism, hope, resilience and self-efficacy.

Finally, I share the following; I could see how many inhabitants of small islands like Lin-Lin, Chaulinec, Apiao, Mechuque and Quenac, experienced true states of happiness which I could share with them. These didn’t focus at any time on material aspects but simple sharing, not from a role but from the person who seeks to transcend from their own culture and from others.

About the author: Dr. Cabezas was born in Chile, South America. He is a Clinical Psychologist known for his involvement in psychotherapy which he terms the Super-paradigm of Well-being. For the last several years he has been dedicated to spreading positive psychology in Latin America and the Caribbean  andrescabezas@acpp.cl

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Intuition or Self Talk?

And then something happened that made me question my obsession. I was returning from my annual trip to my parent’s home in Pakistan. As I settled my children in their seats and pulled out a book that had sat in my suitcase the past two weeks, I noticed the man diagonally in front of me. Through the slit between the seats, I could see him shuffling uncomfortably, checking his phone constantly, raising his armrest and peering under, and turning back every little while as if to make sure no one was watching. I was highly suspicious. Who was he and why was he so uneasy? Preconceptions of the typical Taliban came to mind, as did the horrors of 9/11. I tried to dismiss it as the unreasonable voice of fear, but could not get it out of my mind. And then the sudden thought. What if it was intuition? What if it was some inner wisdom calling me to act.

My heart raced. What was I to do? If it were intuition, I had a huge responsibility to act. Not knowing quite what to do, and typical of my fear response, I dove right into the source of my fear and tapped his shoulder. He turned around in surprise and looked at me with eyes more scared than my own. I tried to get a sense of his intentions and asked him a few short questions given that he and I spoke somewhat different dialects. He was brusque, but he was open. In short and terse phrases he told me that he had never stepped out of his village in Northern Pakistan and was flying this far in search of a better life for his family and those of his two dead brothers. It was evident that the novelty of the experience baffled him. The behaviors that had raised my antenna were nothing more than his nervousness in a situation he understood nothing of.

Exposure and Cognitive Clarity

It’s amazing how exposure calms fear. Once I’d spoken to him and entered his life a little, I was able to see the world from his perspective and open up to him in compassion. I was able to appreciate that beneath the many superficial differences lay a common humanity and rise to be my better self. Back at the airport, and in the mayhem, we could not find any trolleys. As we waited impatiently for our luggage to arrive, we saw him again, making his awkward way through the crowd in order to bring us one. From a man who had never left his home and for whom figuring out how to get a trolley would’ve taken all the courage he could muster, it was a gesture that touched the core of my heart.

My eyes filled up with what I can only describe as Jonathan Haidt’s emotion of elevation. He also handed me a piece of paper, where scribbled in child like letters was his number. If I ever needed him he said, he will be there at once. I couldn’t help but think of the humanity that lies within each of us, waiting to be tapped. Nor could I overlook the fact that the power to tap into it lies within us too.And yet, fear calls upon the intuitive reaction that Daniel Kahneman describes as an evolutionary function in place to predict outcomes based on very little information. It allows us to cancel ambiguity and build coherence between our perceptions and our existing frameworks. When these frameworks are based on fear, our grand intuition may be nothing more than the fear response.

My experience (and many similar others later) made me realize that when we expose ourselves to others and to the world, we build more complex frameworks and sometimes new ones altogether. It is then that we’re able to step back from the instinctive response to a more thoughtful one. In those brief moments, magic happens. As cognition, emotion and intuition integrate to handle ambiguity, we open up to the richness of our lives, give voice to the buried compassion within us, and allow others to do the same.

About the Author: Homaira Kabir is a positive psychology coach, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a writer who specializes in the area of self-worth. She helps women break free from the grip of low self-confidence through scientifically backed strategies, programs and courses, so that they show up fully in their relationships and rise to their full potential at work and in life. You can read more about her at www.homairakabir.com

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But then they go on to do something that I think totally defeats the purpose. They critically analyze the news, but in what’s been called “motivated reasoning”, process the new information through the filter of their preexisting worldview. Which means that it often leads to what their teacher calls a drunk’s bar conversation, where they adamantly defend their positions and become all the more certain of their views.

What Children Learn is Important

At the breakfast table one day though, one of the twins was reading the story of a refugee family, one of many that they had read over the past few weeks. But when she looked up, something had changed within her. “Mommy!” she cried in alarm, “this family was just like us – they worked in good jobs, their children went to good schools. Their daughter did ballet, their two sons played soccer and basketball. And look what happened to them…” as she trailed off in disbelief. Somehow, the fact that most of the people were living normal lives before the crisis had evaded her for so long. And somehow this was all she needed to feel genuine empathy for them.

It’s true that critical reasoning without empathy simply leads to cynicism and disconnect. To be moved by the world, and to be motivated to help, we need to step out of our own bubbles and walk in the shoes of others, albeit metaphorically. Judging from my daughter’s reaction, I figure one of the best ways of doing so is to see commonalities with ourselves and others.

Luckily, as humanity, what we have in common extends way deeper than the superficial differences of race, religion and nationality. We cry in pain and react in fear. We strive for more and hope for a better future. We love with passion and find strength through our relationships. And we all yearn for meaning, the most human of all aspirations.

Planting the Seed for Future Growth

When we appreciate this common humanity, we move one step closer to the Dalai Lama’s vision of universal compassion. It’s not an easy feat, as Daniel Goleman rightly points out. But if we were to plant the seeds of compassion today, through experiences, practices and perspectives, we can live in the hope that they will flower one day and bring much needed change in the lives of future generations.

About the Author: Homaira Kabir is a positive psychology coach, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a writer who specializes in the area of self-worth. She helps women break free from the grip of low self-confidence through scientifically backed strategies, programs and courses, so that they show up fully in their relationships and rise to their full potential at work and in life. You can read more about her at www.homairakabir.com

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There is no better season than summer to write about pleasures and food falls squarely within this realm. Yet, we routinely overlook its sensuality and fall into mindless, functional eating or succumb to overconsumption, missing opportunities to delight in its experience. POP concept owner, Aziz Mulay-Shah, recounts his love for food from Portugal.

“Ameijoas al Bulhao Pato” is translated in the menu as clams steamed with boiled duck. What?!! I turn to my pal Paulo, who doubles as my translator and host on this tour of the streets of Lisbon’s Chiado neighbourhood for an explanation. He is stumped and only when we engage with the owner of our dining establishment do we get an answer: The translation is a mistake; it should read clams made in heaven. This mom and pop restaurant has no name and a poorly translated menu; yet, it has “Ameijoas” , clams – Portugal’s earth shattering gift to the universe. Explained by the owner, Ameijoas al Bulhao Pato is the traditional way of preparing clams: steamed in wine, olive oil, garlic, and coriander. The saltiness of the tiny molluscs is perfectly paired with the slight piquant of the coriander and white wine broth. To add another level of sensation comes garlic: tangy and earthy. The combination is too much for taste buds to handle; they explode in goodness and yumminess! This simple starter is a culinary revelation. I now understand when master chefs harp about two essentials: “get the balance right” and “keep it simple”. The cuisiniers who invented Ameijoas al Bulhao Pato understood these maxims and culinary travellers as well as my senses are singing their praises!

Different cultural eating experiences

How do we get from clams made in heaven to MacDonald’s? Rozin et al. (2011) discuss the differences between American and French eating experiences. Americans prefer quantity as a symbol of goodness whereas the French emphasize quality, discrimination, and moderation. This preference for quality may restrict variety and choice, but sets the bar higher for what is “good” increasing satisfaction as the narrow choice removes the feeling of missing out on something else.

Americans also prefer to eat alone and food that is quick and easy, while the French see food as a reason to celebrate. Food preparation takes longer, is more interesting, and done communally. It is the main event – whereas food in America is often in the background, something to consume on the way to other things. The French prefer joys and making daily life interesting.

Enhancing eating experiences

How can we incorporate more joy, interest, and communality into eating?

Many of us eat out, but make mindless choices about where and what to eat deferring to chain restaurants that are recognized, uninteresting, and unsatisfying. We have infinitely better options.

Ask a foodie for recommendations. They are always experimenting, trying new places and know good food. They recommend locally owned restaurants known for creative specialties that may take longer, but will result in a far richer and intimate experience: you’ll meet the owners and chefs who have made this their professional calling and know exactly what’s in your food often sourced nearby. Keep experimenting until you find a place you love – it’s great to be welcomed by name and fed like one of the family.

Make taste the goal of your meals by trying several smaller plates instead of a big dish. You can share these easily and you might discover you like oysters after all! Choose a theme night and visit several restaurants, i.e., for Middle Eastern food, you can try one restaurant for humus and vine leaves, another for tagine and a third for sweets. Research ahead to know who specializes in what.

Make these events more communal by asking guests to bring a friend and prepare interesting conversation topics. Task them with bringing a dish, doing research on its origins, history, and how it came to be in your area. Food is just as much about people as it is about meaning.

Try a new recipe, cook with family or friends over wine and experiment with new foods altogether. Ask your grocer for suggestions and make it a savoring expedition by asking for recipes and samples.

Let’s bring more pleasure into life

Let’s bring more pleasure into life – from anticipating and planning for having and making good food, being curious about new food options, savoring taste, smells and textures, and strengthening relationships through these events – what easier way than to tie it to food, something with which we interact several times a day. Here’s to making life more tasty, juicy, and interesting – the way it was meant to be!

Aziz Mulay-Shah is the founder and creator of POP! A Dubai based culinary and arts and culture organization that celebrates gastronomy, arts and culture from regions around the world through the curation of pop-up events‎. Watch for the launch of the 2015-2016 season at www.pop-culture.me

Rozin, P., Remick, A. K., & Fischler, C. (2011). Broad themes of difference between French and Americans in attitudes to food and other life domains: Personal versus communal values, quantity versus quality, and comforts versus joys. Frontiers in Psychology, 2 (177).

Dr Louise Lambert

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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The Journey to Finding Meaning

On an annual trip to my parent’s home in Pakistan, I decided to honor its call and spend my 2 weeks identifying a needy cause to which to contribute a portion of my time and finances. I did not have to look far. All around me were needy causes that deserved attention. The old and limping massage lady who supported a disabled adult daughter on her measly income. The tailor who supported his dead brother’s family along with his own, and lost half his income because of the daily power outages in the city. The little flower seller who ran behind me all the way to my car, begging me to buy a single flower so she could feed her starving brother.

All these lives tugged at my heart and made me realize that it had grown small in the safe quarters of my cushy life. But the most touching of all was yet to come when I took my children to visit a school for the homeless. In the dingy little classroom, close to twenty little children sat huddled over their textbooks, coloring in trees and faces and tracing the letters of the Roman alphabet. They smiled at me with a captivating coyness and eagerly showed me the fruits of their labor, searching for approval and acceptance.

As we were leaving, ecstatic at having found just the charity we wanted to support, my son handed a little boy one of the two wristbands we wore of his school team. We walked in silence to our car, until we heard the panting of a racing heart and the pitter-patter of tiny running feet. We turned around and saw the little boy, trying to catch up to us and holding out a yellow heart-shaped sharpener for my son!

Words fail to describe the beauty of the moment. From a little heart that had been shortchanged in the dice of life, here was a lesson in sharing. From a child who had little to give thanks for, here was enough gratitude to spread around. But most of all, from the most deprived of society, here was the desire to do good and rise to the best self that shone bright, even when many of us had deluded ourselves into the hopelessness of cynicism and the superiority of the intellect. From the very people I had hoped to help, came a lesson in the inherent goodness of humanity and the power of the immaterial, even when many of us had fallen prey to the lures of the material and the tyranny of choice.

Re-thinking and Pondering Meaning

It made me rethink my desire to be good. I may never answer the call of my soul by compartmentalizing it as a component of my being and fulfilling its needs over 2 weeks of summer. For the soul is not an assemblage of fragments that can be pieced together to find meaning. It is ever-present and slippery, and does not live only in our heads. It lives in our hearts and finds fulfillment when we open up to others in authenticity, understanding and gratitude.

It is perhaps the only way of finding meaning in the absurdity of existence, and making our lives truly worth living.

About the Author: Homaira Kabir is a positive psychology coach, a cognitive behavioral therapist and a writer who specializes in the area of self-worth. She helps women break free from the grip of low self-confidence through scientifically backed strategies, programs and courses, so that they show up fully in their relationships and rise to their full potential at work and in life. You can read more about her at www.homairakabir.com

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

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