One of the side effects of this lockdown for me, seems to be a type of insomnia. I have no problem going to sleep, but often wake up about four hours later and have an hour or two of wakefulness, before eventually drifting back into a sound sleep. In those wee hours, worries arise and chase round my head, but I have learnt over time that they will often seem much smaller in the morning. So I try not to solve big problems in the middle of the night, but instead turn my mind to smaller and more interesting ones to mull over. Yesterday I was reminded that it was time to submit another blog post, so I found myself lying awake at 3am wondering what I could write about, that might actually be useful or helpful to read as the current lockdown drags on.

Silver Linings

I have written before about using humour and social connection to get through these tough times. It would be very tempting to write another article about staying positive or seeing the bright side and although I’m a great believer in the power of looking for the silver linings in the clouds, there are days when it has been cloudy for so long that we’re all just tired out. Then it occurred to me that’s what I should write about. It’s OK to not be OK. We can embrace the dark side too.

The Dark Side

Positive psychology is not about being happy all the time. It’s also about being a whole person who will have dark days too. It’s not helpful to tell ourselves that we should be upbeat all the time. There are times when boredom, sadness, grief and overwhelm are appropriate for the situation that we are in. If we can accept those feelings and treat ourselves with kindness, hopefully we can work through them and then positivity will return.

Importance of Balance

The key to getting through this is balance. It’s helpful to acknowledge the way that we feel, but it’s not helpful to allow ourselves to get bogged down in rumination about everything that’s wrong with our lives. Kristen Neff’s work on self-compassion is very relevant in this respect. She defines self-compassion as having three key elements; self-kindness, common humanity and mindfulness.

Self-kindness

Self-kindness is about accepting ourselves as being human, and not expecting ourselves to be perfect. It’s about treating ourselves as we would a friend. Instead of always pushing ourselves and thinking we should do better, it’s about cutting ourselves some slack and asking “What do I need right now?”. Maybe we’re tired and just need to take it easy for a day, maybe we are frustrated and need to talk to a friend to vent. Maybe we’re worried or scared and we just need to talk to ourselves kindly. “I’m feeling scared and worried, but that’s OK. Things will get better and this will pass.”

Common humanity

When things aren’t going well, it’s easy to feel isolated. I’m studying for a Master’s in Applied Positive Psychology and I am really missing face to face interaction with my fellow students.  I have felt isolated at times and the other day found myself wondering if everyone else is somehow keeping touch and I’m getting left out. But then I thought of everyone else in the same situation. I also thought about the younger undergraduates who don’t have the same maturity or resources as I have to protect them from what’s going on. Whatever we face, we are not alone, even if it feels like it at times. Someone, somewhere else is going through the same thing. And once we realise that, instead of feeling sorry for ourselves, we can start to think how we can help, which makes us feel better. Thinking about how I could help others feel less isolated by getting in touch with them, made me feel much better about my own situation and stopped my irrational fear of missing out.

Mindfulness

Mindfulness is being aware of our emotions openly and without judgment. We might feel angry, or sad or scared and we can accept that’s how we feel right now. We don’t have to suppress those feelings, but neither do we have to overidentify with them and get swept away. Sometimes the language we use to talk to ourselves can help. Instead of “I’m angry” try saying “I feel angry”. It’s a subtle distinction but identifying those emotions as feelings helps us step back just enough to help us realise that we don’t have to react to those emotions right now. It gives us space to work out what we really need, rather than a knee jerk reaction. A good analogy for mindfulness is that our emotions are the weather but our mind is the sky. It might be a stormy day – we might have to take some action and put up an umbrella – but the weather is something that passes through, and then the sky will be peaceful again.

Putting it all together

It’s good to be able to see the bright side, but sometimes we have to deal with the dark side first. Accepting our negative feelings mindfully, remembering that we are not the only ones suffering and that this is part of our common humanity, then treating ourselves as a friend, will all help us deal with the bad days. Some days it’s enough to just get through it and to hope that tomorrow will be better. In the same way that I have learnt that 4am worries always seem smaller in the morning, we learn that the better we get at dealing with the bad stuff, the more quickly the shoots of optimism will return.

The post Lockdown – Dealing with the Dark Side appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Social reality

What is social reality? Philosophers often debate this question and different people have different perspectives. My perspective is that of a constructionist. By taking this perspective I define social reality as something that at least in part, I construct from my own conceptual system. That is, my judgements on what I see, what I experience, what I do is based on what I think is the ‘truth’. My truth is created from my experiences, so although there are similarities and overlapping beliefs, mine is different to yours because we have not had the same experience in life. When I see a crowd of happy revellers you might see an aggressive mob of rascals.

Meaning-making

Our social reality is formed from the meaning me make in what we experience each moment. We predict what the likely meaning is based on what we have experienced previously. So if my boss is always having a go about my work, I will see in my boss’ face that admonishing look, hear the tone and interpret the words in a less than positive way. If my boss smiled at me and hugged me I’d be shocked but still expect negative feedback. My habits and beliefs are part of my ‘story’ of what will happen every time the boss turns up. It’s hard for me to create a new story without reflecting and assessing whether my social reality needs to be rewritten.

Changing your social reality

So let’s stay with the boss scenario. The boss is your boss. You are told by a colleague that they have nothing but good experiences from the boss. You cannot believe what is being said! So why is the boss nice to her but so mean to you? Your colleague gives examples of the experiences she has had. Suddenly it hits you. What she has just told you has changed your interpretation of your boss. Your boss’ boss wants to make redundancies from the team and in the past has wanted to remove your job role. Your boss has been fighting to protect it, and what appeared to be meanness was actually the boss trying to encourage you to do fantastic work so the boss’ boss can’t criticise. Now that you think about it, what the boss said wasn’t so mean. You could tell it was supposed to be motivating but the boss is under some pressure too. You feel a shift in how you view your boss……

Emotions

In this scenario, you have rewritten your emotion category for your boss, and start to emote a different emotion. Next time you see your boss you will no longer feel dread, and you will behave differently because of it. This is because we do not have ‘fixed’ emotions, we ‘emote’ based on the dynamic and moment to moment experiences we have.

Our choice on what we ‘emote’

We may not be able to change the boss’ boss wanting to make redundancies, but we can change how we emote in the circumstances, and it is likely that by being more open and willing to listen to the boss, the boss too will emote in a new way and feel more relaxed. You are now working together and not against each other!

I’m not suggesting we can flip our emoting in a blink of an eye as we often have deeply embedded beliefs and emotion categories that we have cultivated for years. However the more we teach our minds and practice to interpret the world with a new social reality lens, the more we will create new emotion categories and beliefs that will allow us to have better experiences each day.

Read about the author Lisa Jones and more of her articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Social Reality and How to ‘emote’ Wisely appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Evidence

There is plenty of evidence in positive psychology of the benefits of social connection. Having strong social ties makes us healthier, happier, more resilient and can even make us live longer. Most people would agree with that friends and family are more important than money and success, but in a busy world it is easy to forget this fact.

Heaven or Hell

When lockdown happened it affected us all in different ways. Some people had to  self-isolate alone, some were furloughed and enjoyed the benefits of having more time to spend with their families, parents working at home juggled work and home-schooling and key workers struggled with stressful jobs and trying to keep their families safe. Some people enjoyed the change of circumstance and having time to slow down, others were bored rigid and just wanted to get back to normal, or found new ways to busy themselves, making scrubs or masks or shopping for others.

Common Ground

What lockdown initially gave to us all,  was a shared sense of humanity and the fact that we were all in this together, whatever part we could play. Facing a common threat brought us together and we developed new ways of connecting socially to fill the gap left by the need for social distancing. We talked to our neighbours every Thursday when we clapped for the NHS, we learnt how to use Zoom, we looked out for our neighbours and when we saw someone we knew whilst out exercising, we stopped and took time to have a proper conversation at a safe distance, and appreciated the chance to speak to someone different.

A Struggle

As lockdown went on, it got harder. The novelty wore off and we missed more and more the chance to see friends and family face to face. In particular, I could see the young people I knew struggling. Teenagers and young adults whose important ‘family’ is their peer groups found the isolation particularly hard, and to them a few weeks felt like a lifetime. Some families faced the added burden of financial pressure and people were expressing concerns about people trapped in the house with an abusive partner.

Eventually, the tide started to turn and lockdown was eased. We met up with a friend at the park, then in the garden, and shops and then pubs started to open and things started to return to ‘normal’.

Challenges

But we are still far from the norm in lots of things and in particular when it comes to social connections. We might be able to reunite with our nearest and dearest, but we are left with a feeling of ‘is it safe?” as we venture out and are still having to manage physical distance and face coverings, which makes interaction feel strained. In the meantime, as we start to return to our routines, life gets busy again.

Extrovert and Introvert

It’s easy for us to underestimate the value of short social interactions with people we don’t know. In a paper entitled ‘Mistakenly seeking solitude” (Epley & Schroeder, 2014), Epley & Schroeder provide evidence that whilst we don’t think we will enjoy talking to a stranger on a bus, train or waiting room, we actually enjoy it much more than we think. Even if you are introverted, the evidence shows that you will find a conversation with a stranger a pleasant experience. Epley & Schroeder hypothesised that the reason we think we prefer solitude is that we think our conversation may be unwanted by the other person, but the evidence also shows that the other person enjoys the conversation too.

Wellbeing

Whilst we recognise the importance of close friends and family, it is easy to overlook all those other little connections that give us a positive experience and contribute to our wellbeing. So while it feels like life is starting to get back to normal, if we can’t even sit by someone on the bus let alone strike up a conversation, or are still avoiding unnecessary shopping trips and interactions with others, then we need to consciously make an effort to connect with others to keep our spirits up.

Uncertainty

As we move forward into a different uncertain world and start to get busy again, it’s really important to continue to prioritise social connection to keep us mentally healthy. Try arranging to safely meet up with a friend that you haven’t seen for a while, keep an eye on your older relatives or friends who are still nervous about venturing out and remember to stop and talk when you see someone you know, or exchange a few words with someone you don’t. Reach out in person or continue to use technology where you can’t speak in person. Make an effort to go out somewhere safe but different and smile at the people you see. Or even better, meet a friend there and catch up on how you’ve both been.

Remember that lockdown taught us that whether we are extrovert or introvert, young or old, we are all in this together, and the more socially connected we are, the better we will all feel for it.

References: Epley, N., & Schroeder, J. (2014). Mistakenly seeking solitude. Journal of Experimental Psychology: General, 143(5). https://doi.org/10.1037/a0037323

About the author: Sarah Cramoysan is currently studying the MAPP course at Buckinghamshire New University.  Sarah is loving being a student again and enjoying drawing on her own experience of trying to find the good life for herself and her family whilst exploring positive psychology. She is also a long-time Oxfam volunteer and has an interest in climate change and environmental issues. Sarah’s blog is at  http://fledglingproject.blogspot.com

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Lockdown and Social Connections appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

Streets were empty,

The silence, eerie, not serene.

People were afraid,

Stalked by an invisible foe,

Noise signalling threat.

In isolation humanity retreated,

An apocalyptic stillness.

But the earth endured,

The sun turned,

While birdsong amplified,

And skies grew clear,

The oceans teemed with life.

And some people judged and blamed,

But there was also kindness,

And courage in everyday acts,

Undervalued ordinary became heroic.

In home bubbles we tried,

To work and learn and exercise,

To be safe.

But the people were sad,

The light in their hearts dimmed,

Unnourished by connection,

Lacking the warmth of hugs.

No true substitute in technology.

And some were lost,

And some were found.

While we struggled to understand,

How to reimagine normal.

That we might bring hope,

For a world changed,

The possibility of rebirth,

Children play together again,

Community re-evaluated.

Humanity remembers what is true,

False gods denied,

Real value found anew.

Sarah Monk ⓒ 2020

The post Global Pandemic appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.