How we think it will be and how it is

Most of us are incredibly good at painting colourful pictures in our minds, of how we think life will be, and often, we do the same with how it has been, putting our past episodes, good or bad, in an ‘experience box’ from which we can construct our life stories. We really are all far more creative than we might think, even those of us who don’t relate to being creative in any way. Most of us expertly adjust our narratives to explain the less exciting or desirable parts of life, so that with all the confusion and chaos we find along our journeys, we can make sense of, and perceive a sense of control over our destinies.

Yet one of the certainties of life, is that there is no certainty, which is particularly poignant now, when Covid-19 has impacted all of us. Many people feel a loss of control over our lives, dreams, and freedoms, in a way they never have before. The changes in the way we live, for many of us, are a mismatch for the stories we have made up about our lives so far or futures.

Stepping out of our comfort zones can be good for us

When our reality is far from the way we planned life, this can cause a lot of internal turmoil, since our internal narratives are frequently based on a lot of ‘shoulds’, or fixed ideas. Our ideals are linked to what we have decided are acceptable outcomes, based on our social conditioning and life experiences. Since life often doesn’t work out as we planned, our fixed ideas can do us more harm than good, where we stay firmly rooted in what we thought would be a worthwhile life chapter, which may no longer be possible or viable. Resilience researchers agree that being able to reconsider, learn from our difficulties and adjust to new ways of being, even in traumatic circumstances, leads to personal growth, and the development of new personal resources. Leaving our comfort zones may actually be good for us.

Why do we stay stuck?

Many of us stay in situations which stop us thriving, simply because a change of mind is often not the easy choice. Change of any kind is often coupled with fear, loss, letting go and vulnerability. Becoming unstuck is a time when we need to decide whether staying in our comfortable but no longer useful place is more painful than facing the unknown. In my own experience, the choice to stay stuck is often far more uncomfortable than, as Brené Brown (2015) puts in in her book Daring Greatly, having the courage to step into the arena.

Being brave enough to let go

Once we have made the decision to move forward in a new direction, there will often be a cost, whether that is emotionally, physically, socially, or financially. Yet what we stand to gain could be far greater if we are willing to have the courage to try. When I look at my life story, the times where I was prepared to metaphorically jump from a flying plane and hope my parachute opened, are the times where I have achieved the most, gained the greatest sense of wellbeing and freedom and realising my own potential for growth. Willingness to be truly vulnerable is probably one of the most important life lessons I have learned and has led me to take steps towards a richer and brighter story, often more vibrant than anything I could have envisioned before taking the leap of faith. When we are prepared to be vulnerable, we will allow ourselves to face the emotional upheaval; mourning a relationship that no longer serves us, reaching for that new job that brings us meaning, moving to a new house. We will do whatever it takes to be brave enough to write a bold new chapter.

Rethinking your dreams

One of my personal favourite quotes is by Joseph Campbell (2003), who writes about The Hero’s Journey as a mythical, metaphorical idea of our journey through life. He says, “We must be willing to get rid of the life we’ve planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us.” Maybe now, more than ever, a flexible approach to life’s ups and downs and the ability to rethink our dreams might serve us more than staying frustrated and stuck that life didn’t work out as it might have. Though it is definitely not always easy, if we can keep our minds open, then maybe, the best is yet to come.

References

Brown, B. (2015). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Penguin.

Campbell, J. (2003). The hero’s journey: Joseph Campbell on his life and work (Vol. 7). New World Library.

McAdams, D. P. (2001). The psychology of life stories. Review of general psychology, 5(2), 100-122.

Read more about Monique Zahavi and her other articles HERE

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post The Positive Psychological Power of Rethinking Your Dreams appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.

You see, I was taught that boasting was bad. It doesn’t feel good to me to blow my own trumpet. And the truth is that I don’t always feel that sure of myself. I infrequently speak about my accomplishments or share my successes unless I have to, like when I’m writing a C.V. or, if someone explicitly asks me about something I achieved or, if it naturally fits into a conversation. I don’t post on social media every week about how my work has helped people or, the wonderful testimonials and messages I received about it. Although I do have big goals, I don’t proclaim myself as being a ‘world changer’ who ‘wants to affect the lives of a million people’ and I only share my goals with a select few.

Yet, I see other people proclaiming their greatness online and in person every single day. They full-on go for it and often, it seems to work. People who steam ahead appear to choose, state and claim their place. They don’t wait for permission. They believe it and they own it. Even if it may seem delusional, it seems at least for some to work.

This makes me wonder – am I missing something? Maybe my desired success is not coming as fast as I’d like because I don’t put myself out there enough. Do I need to shout about myself more, like those other people?

My answer to that is – yes and no. Shouting about yourself doesn’t necessarily mean you’re confident and will be successful. There’s a fine line between arrogance and confidence and true success and fulfillment comes from being on the right side of that line.

Confidence invites people in, arrogance pushes them away

I’ll be honest, I’m a bit irked by people who shout from the rooftops about their greatness. Sometimes it feels arrogant and self-absorbed which really puts me off. It’s not so much what they say, but the energy with which they say it.

I’m totally fine with the likes of Oprah Winfrey talking about her successes. I’m absolutely fine with Usain Bolt speaking about smashing world records. I love seeing friends and colleagues past and present, achieving great things and sharing them on social media. But I also note, that these people don’t do it all the time, just when the time is right. And when they speak, it doesn’t sound like they are trying to convince anyone else of their greatness. Their words come from a genuine place of sharing, celebration and gratitude. At that moment, they have mastered confidence, not arrogance.

·       Confidence is graceful, quiet and gentle. It speaks for itself.

·       Arrogance lacks elegance, it’s loud and boisterous. It needs advertising.

·       Confidence indicates ‘this is what I can do, I have nothing to prove and seek nothing in return’.

·       Arrogance indicates ‘this is why I’m better than you and I expect validation and approval’.

·       Confidence doesn’t take full responsibility for success and can admit insecurity and lack of knowledge.

·       Arrogance says, ‘it’s all me and I know everything’.

·       Confidence says, ‘your gain takes nothing from me’.

·       Arrogance believes ‘your gain is my loss’.

·       Confidence says, ‘I’ll be fine if you don’t like me’.

·       Arrogance says, ‘I need you to like me’.

·       Confidence is based in humility and wisdom. Arrogance simply, is not.

Arrogance is actually a sign of deep insecurity. And even if it works for a while, eventually, that cookie always crumbles.

Building true confidence

Your baseline confidence, like most things about you, was created when you were a tiny tot. In your youngest years and early childhood, you will have learned how to feel about yourself and how to behave in relation to that. My childhood experience was that my achievements were never celebrated, in fact they were often downtrodden as not good enough and, my failures were amplified and never forgotten. This might be why I now struggle to celebrate and shout about my own success because, I learned that it’s just not something to do. In addition, I learned to think that I’m not that good so, what’s to shout about?

On one hand, I could be frustrated about all that because it probably holds me back by reducing my confidence. But, I’m grateful for it because it also reduces my arrogance. As I type that, I experience the irony of feeling arrogant because I’m saying that I’m not arrogant! That aside, I sense that it’s easier to build confidence than it is to unlearn arrogance so, I’m grateful to be this way.

Unlearning arrogance requires facing the insecurities that underly it. This requires a person to be vulnerable, to experience their shames and pains, to face up to the feelings of not being good enough. Few people will be ready for that. It’s not easy. In addition, if things don’t work out – as inevitably we all fail sometimes, an arrogant person who believes ‘it’s all about me’ will take the full hit. Arrogance is not a fun place to be in.

On the other hand, building confidence is about building capability. It’s about getting out there and doing what you do, better and better each time. Yes, you must face some nerves, some fear and get out of your comfort zone but, over time the results you get will slowly build your confidence. As your confidence builds, the next challenge is to maintain humility if you’re not to cross the line into arrogance. This requires reminding yourself that it’s not all you. Every success you have will have involved other people so thank them too. Every talent you have is borne out of some God/ Universe/ Life/ Luck (choose whichever word works for you!) given gifts. Bow down to that too. This is crucial if you are to remain confident but not arrogant.

“Confidence is grounded in experience and expertise with a sense of respect and humility; whereas arrogance, is grounded in nothing (it is unwarranted baseless confidence with lack of respect and humility).” Rhett Power

About the author: Pinky Jangra

‘We Are The Positive Psychology People’

The post Straddling the fine line between arrogance and confidence appeared first on The Positive Psychology People.