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This photo of a spider’s web, with one section in need of some serious renovation, resonated this month! Everything can be ticking along nicely then something, or someone, accidentally wanders into one of those flimsy areas and I can quickly feel small or spikey. When we feel threatened, we can react in all kinds of unhelpful ways. We might be defensive or submissive or simply want to hide away, falling back on old responses that are no longer helpful.
We may not be aware of any of this because we are very good at hiding the motives behind behaviours, even from ourselves, but we recognise when outcomes are not what we want. Negative reactions, missing out on promotions, friendships lost, the same old arguments with family.
Coaching psychology is about shining a light on this inner world, noticing what works well and where developing different strategies could be useful and it’s often in our interactions with others that ‘problem areas’ are brought to our attention, because how we react to others varies with how psychologically safe, we feel.
What is Psychological Safety?
Psychological Safety is about how safe we feel in relationships. Are we willing to take risks like expressing our thoughts and needs? In the same way we make decisions to avoid people we don’t feel physically safe with, we make decisions about how psychologically vulnerable we are ready to be with others too. When we don’t feel threatened, we are more willing to speak up, take chances even if there’s the possibility, we might make mistakes. We have an expectation that we will be listened to, not ridiculed or ignored.
The theory was made popular in workplace interactions by Amy Edmonson. She defines it as,
“The belief that one will not be punished or humiliated for speaking up with ideas, questions, concerns, or mistakes and that the team is safe for interpersonal risk-taking” (Edmondson, 1999)
Organisations that create a psychologically safe environment benefit from increased productivity, problem-solving, creativity, and trust. People are willing to take on challenges, they learn quicker, make fewer mistakes and are more collaborative.
But the environments we operate in are only one side of the story. Relationships are a two-way street, and we bring ourselves and our personal histories to them.
Why Might Someone Not Feel Safe?
Events colour the lens through which we experience our relationships. So, an interaction one person might deem safe can leave another feeling uncomfortable or threatened.
Of course, there will always be times when our interactions go a little badly; times we are ignored or get things wrong. Feeling psychologically safe makes us more resilient to these events. We can see them as hiccups, put them down to a learning experience or recognise it is the situation that is unhealthy and take appropriate action.
But some people find it hard to feel safe even in a positive environment. Past experiences such as bullying or feeling undervalued, or personal circumstances such as ill health or financial difficulties, can continue to impact us even once the situation has changed. Moving on from a difficult experience doesn’t automatically reset out threat response. It may need more positive actions on our part to reconfigure our window of tolerance.
Building Your Safety System
Awareness of the places, people and situations that you feel secure / less secure with is a first step to building your feeling of safety. Watch yourself to see if you can spot patterns; the thoughts, emotions, actions and memories that are triggered. These prompt the habitual behaviours. But these old ways of responding are just that, habits. Recognising this can give a wider perspective, which can open up the possibility of a different approach.
Like the spider’s web, our safety system can be strong in some areas and weaker in others. You might be great at home and with friends but feel unable to stand your ground or express yourself at work. You might flourish as part of a team at work or in sport but in friendship groups it’s difficult to find your place or feel you belong. Recognising that you have skills in other areas that you can draw on is a reminder that you have more options than you think!
Increasing Awareness
Mapping your safety system can help you recognise the signs of when you are feeling under threat and when you are feeling safe. Draw a web with 6 sections. Label each section with one of these headings; Thoughts, Feelings, Actions, Memories / Images, Bodily Sensations and Motivation. Now list how feeling safe or feeling threatened affects you in each of these categories.
So, I might feel ‘outgoing’ when I am safe, but ‘anxious’ when threatened. Bodily sensations might include ‘warmth’ when safe or ‘fidgety’ when threatened. List as many as you can, positives and negatives. This information can help you spot if you are reacting from a place of threat and think what might support you to feel safer. This could be something you need from yourself, like compassion, or from a colleague, like listening or your environment, such as a quieter space.
It is difficult to develop and grow until we feel safe. The shame of getting something wrong can keep us unable to take chances. There is a psychological need to feel safe. It’s not that we can’t survive without it but it is difficult to truly thrive if we are not prepared to take risks, rise to challenges, contribute to our communities or build friendships. Feeling our voice and opinion matter is so important to building a life of meaning. So, give yourself some time as the year draws to a close to do an audit of your safety system. You might be surprised at what you find!